Breakup advice

candyland_ said:

I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, it is the worst feeling in the world.

I’m going through something vaguely similar and every day gets that little bit easier.

Click to expand...

Sending lots of love, Candyland. It's such a callous way to treat someone isn't it? I think he was hoping that I would blow up and be like "why are you ignoring me" but I've done that before with him. Think he wanted me to break up with him (classic cop out). He's incapable of talking about emotions full stop so does everything over text. Last time I confronted him it was really brutal and I just don't want to be told all the ways in which he doesn't want to be with me again (yet he's strung me along as an option for ages now.)

I really hope that your situation improves, too. Thank you so much for saying it gets better - I am feeling a little bit more sure of my decision but I am very grumpy in generally coz of all the other shit going on.

Catnmouse said:

Sending lots of love, Candyland. It's such a callous way to treat someone isn't it? I think he was hoping that I would blow up and be like "why are you ignoring me" but I've done that before with him. Think he wanted me to break up with him (classic cop out). He's incapable of talking about emotions full stop so does everything over text. Last time I confronted him it was really brutal and I just don't want to be told all the ways in which he doesn't want to be with me again (yet he's strung me along as an option for ages now.)

I really hope that your situation improves, too. Thank you so much for saying it gets better - I am feeling a little bit more sure of my decision but I am very grumpy in generally coz of all the other shit going on.

Click to expand...

Thank you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now but he has done you a favour.
See this as your decision to walk away by not chasing him because you will look back and be glad that he has gone. There will be no more days wondering why he’s quiet or ignoring you and you’ll start to feel content again.
One day at a time

candyland_ said:

Thank you.
I know it doesn’t seem like it now but he has done you a favour.
See this as your decision to walk away by not chasing him because you will look back and be glad that he has gone. There will be no more days wondering why he’s quiet or ignoring you and you’ll start to feel content again.
One day at a time

Click to expand...

Absolutely right - there is a palpable sense of relief in many ways

Catnmouse said:

Really sad to read some of these stories but glad it's not just me in this position. My so-called boyfriend (not sure he ever saw us as bf/gf in 4 years albeit fairly on an off) has just decided to stop contacting me for around two weeks now. We don't live together and to be honest getting monosyllabic responses from him over the last month or so has been like pulling teeth. It's so hurtful and I've had so much other crap going on... please tell me it gets better?

I have deleted his number and I know that sometimes in these situations you never get closure, but it is such a horrible way to treat someone. I would never entertain the idea of staying with someone I didn't love because I'd want them to go and find happiness.

Click to expand...

I got stuck in a situation like this for near on 7 years and honestly the only way to get out of it is to take control and block on everything. By not doing so, you leave the communication channels open and that means he knows he can walk in and out of your life as he pleases. 4 years is too long to be putting up with this, this person doesn't respect you.

queenamber said:

Said he was "broken" and that he's in love with me and wants to be together, he just wants the added meaningless sex with others with no feelings attached. He basically wants an all you eat buffet!

I should add that he also said I'm free to have sex with other men too - but as you can probably already tell, I'm not comfortable with any of it.

Click to expand...

He sounds deluded. Be prepared for him to come crawling back after a few months when he’s had a taste of what he thought was worth blowing up your life together for. It’s telling that he still wants the relationship you have but also just rando sex. This is screaming midlife crisis.

On the therapist front, don’t be afraid to change who you see. Apparently you should give a therapist 6 sessions to see how it shakes out.

queenamber said:

Thank you. It's so reassuring to hear from people who have gone through painful breakups. I'm even at the stage where I'm looking at celebrities who have divorced and thinking "If they can get through a divorce then so can I"

As hard as it is and as awful as I'm feeling, I keep telling myself it would be so much worse if I let this go on for another 10, 15, 20 years. He hasn't cheated, and who knows if he'd even act on it (he seems to just want it out there in the open as a possibility), but you can't live life like that always wondering if/when it's going to happen.

Click to expand...

My husband left me out of the blue after 31 yrs of marriage and it was truly devastating. We had 3 kids together and I didn’t think I’d ever get over it. However, three yrs on now I remain single (my choice) and I’m getting there but I don’t think I’ll ever have a relationship because I’ll never trust a man again

Keep stop sleeping with the fucker, I get angry and he knows and it’s like okay win her back enough, why do I do it?! How do I stop? I feel so ashamed at myself but I can’t help but love him.

Jojoo said:

Keep stop sleeping with the fucker, I get angry and he knows and it’s like okay win her back enough, why do I do it?! How do I stop? I feel so ashamed at myself but I can’t help but love him.

Click to expand...

Can't you go away with the kids for a few days staying with family or friends? You need to step back and get some perspective and tell him to leave before you come back (even if he pays everything like you said, you stay at home to take care of his children too).
You will sort material things and child custody then. It's a toxic situation right now, you are vulnerable and he uses you.

I don't remember if it was said before, I reckon it was but try to seek help, social workers for a start.

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

Jojoo said:

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

Click to expand...

One thing at a time.
Start with a pregnancy test tomorrow and speak to someone about your drinking asap.

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

I don't think it matters why he's unblocked you, he sounds like bad news. Block, delete, move on. Don't waste any more energy on this one, there's better out there for you.xx

Blondeangel2515 said:

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

Click to expand...

D2them said:

I don't think it matters why he's unblocked you, he sounds like bad news. Block, delete, move on. Don't waste any more energy on this one, there's better out there for you.xx

Click to expand...

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

Blondeangel2515 said:

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

Click to expand...

Just ignore him then, like it's nothing to you. And don't ask anyone about him. You're just hurting yourself.

Romy said:

Just ignore him then, like it's nothing to you. And don't ask anyone about him. You're just hurting yourself.

Click to expand...

Totally this! But I would block him while I’m unblocked, take the power back in to your hands.

Very traditional said:

Totally this! But I would block him while I’m unblocked, take the power back in to your hands.

Click to expand...

I would block him but I don’t want him being aware i noticed and that it’s got to me I rather him think I haven’t noticed or bothered by it. It’s just strange the timing he’s done this when his girlfriend is meant to move in with him

Jojoo said:

So I’m having therapy, we did couples therapy and I’ve gone back to her on my own since we split. Tonight she kept referring him to an abuser, i can see what he’s doing is abuse but I can’t seem to accept it does that make sense?! I feel so confused and don’t feel like I’ve been abused. I’m scared I’m pregnant and going to be left with 3 kids on my own, also can’t stop drinking wine in the evenings I’m doing a bottle a night. I’m a mess I can’t seem to get a grip on my life

Click to expand...

Whatva

Blondeangel2515 said:

Nah I was doing fine till I noticed but I don’t want to give him the satisfactory that it got to me when I noticed he unblocked me

Click to expand...

How did you know he unblocked you ?

Blondeangel2515 said:

So I was speaking to a guy for five years long story short 2 years of that five years he was dating/ had a girlfriend and was still sexting me I found the girlfriend and told her everything.
He blocked me on everything and they stayed together. Last September he unblocked me 5 months after I snitched on him. I waited a couple of days thought this was weird and then messaged him so he knew I noticed what he done he instantly blocked me after.
Yesterday he unblocked me again but hasn’t messaged me. My friends done some fbi work and noticed they’re still together but she’s moving in with him this month (they’re long distance)
So I’m quite confused why’s he unblocked me again. Like I don’t want to block him because then he’ll know that I noticed he’s unblocked me but I can’t see it being the girlfriend that’s done it because I know his routine (been the same for years)

Click to expand...

Block him and move on.

candyland_ said:

One thing at a time.
Start with a pregnancy test tomorrow and speak to someone about your drinking asap.

Click to expand...

I did a pregnancy test it was negative but I’m still 4 days late and I’m always on time

I'm so sad reading about all of the heartbreak in this thread

About 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me as he "wants to be single again". In reality, I think this is stemming from fact that he doesn't want to grow up. We are at the age where our network of friends are getting married, having kids, settling down... and he seemingly doesn't want any of this. I'm really devastated (and lowkey angry) as we've spoken about marriage and kids over the past 4 years which he seemed open to.. but over the last couple of months.. BAM.. he's reverted into a selfish, childish piece of shit. We didn't live together (due to the housing crisis, we still live at home) but were making plans to rent a place together.

The real kicker in this story is the day after the breakup, I fainted whilst walking down the stairs, passed out due to a bang to the head & fucked up my ankle. I had to sit in the emergency room alone and scared, trying not to cry. I ended up telling the nurses that I wish I hadn't woke up after passing out, so I had to spend hours speaking to the mental health crisis team trying to convince them that I wasn't trying to attempt anything, I was just feeling depressed.

The past 2 weeks have been so rough, I haven't been able to eat anything and don't want to see or talk to anybody. It's a struggle to get out of bed in the morning, and the only thing I actually look forward to now is bedtime. I haven't tried to contact him at all though. As much as I want to reach out, begging and pleading.. I refuse to give in to that. He coldheartedly made a decision for both of us, putting himself on a pedestal and gaining all control. Me not contacting him, not doing what he expects my anxious, depressed ass to do (plead and beg) is the only way I can regain any sort of control back and god damn it.. I'm not giving in.

He really broke my heart