Being flirted with when already in a relationship...

[AutumnSpring]

Can I possibly jump on this thread & ask for some advice please?

I am currently in a similar(ish) situation.

A few weeks ago a man I was talking to before I met my partner popped back up to see how I was (unaware I was in a relationship). The thing is he had randomly been on my mind a lot before he messaged me. It’s kind of freaked me out a little because I feel like I’ve sort of spoken him back into my life. I was supposed to go on a date with him (5 years ago) but it never happened and I ended up meeting my current partner instead. I think I have always always wondered what would have been and just can’t shake this feeling. He has been respectful when I said I was with my partner and hasn’t messaged me again but I really just want to talk to him all the time. I know it’s a wild fantasy but does this not signify that I’m not truly happy? I love my partner so much and he makes me so happy. I just feel enormous guilt for having these feelings but what if I could be happier elsewhere?

Is it normal for women to fantasise about another life sometimes?

 

[mochibean]

Can I possibly jump on this thread & ask for some advice please?

I am currently in a similar(ish) situation.

A few weeks ago a man I was talking to before I met my partner popped back up to see how I was (unaware I was in a relationship). The thing is he had randomly been on my mind a lot before he messaged me. It’s kind of freaked me out a little because I feel like I’ve sort of spoken him back into my life. I was supposed to go on a date with him (5 years ago) but it never happened and I ended up meeting my current partner instead. I think I have always always wondered what would have been and just can’t shake this feeling. He has been respectful when I said I was with my partner and hasn’t messaged me again but I really just want to talk to him all the time. I know it’s a wild fantasy but does this not signify that I’m not truly happy? I love my partner so much and he makes me so happy. I just feel enormous guilt for having these feelings but what if I could be happier elsewhere?

Is it normal for women to fantasise about another life sometimes?

I've been with my partner 10 years, with a couple of breaks when we really needed it. I still have fantasies about other men, other lives, even sleeping with other men. I do think it's normal, as long as you don't act on it or cross any lines then it's just something in your mind. I have had these feelings come and go, about various different people. They're just crushes and fantasies, nothing more.

Only you know if you're truly happy. But it sounds like you really do love your partner and are very happy together.
I've never told my partner about these feelings, I actually just write things down (somewhere secret, for me I write in Japanese so nobody else understands lol) as it does help to let all my feelings out, or talk to a friend about how you're feeling.

You'd be surprised, out of all my friends every single one have had these types of feelings for another man. We're human and it's healthy to have feelings, and doubts about our futures.

 

[Raininvain]

He may just be stringing you along because he finds it funny/exciting etc.
People say all sorts all the time. If your not happy with your partner then leave him and look elsewhere. I bet if you told this man you had left your partner and were free to start seeing him then he wouldn't want to know.

 

[AutumnSpring]

I've been with my partner 10 years, with a couple of breaks when we really needed it. I still have fantasies about other men, other lives, even sleeping with other men. I do think it's normal, as long as you don't act on it or cross any lines then it's just something in your mind. I have had these feelings come and go, about various different people. They're just crushes and fantasies, nothing more.

Only you know if you're truly happy. But it sounds like you really do love your partner and are very happy together.
I've never told my partner about these feelings, I actually just write things down (somewhere secret, for me I write in Japanese so nobody else understands lol) as it does help to let all my feelings out, or talk to a friend about how you're feeling.

You'd be surprised, out of all my friends every single one have had these types of feelings for another man. We're human and it's healthy to have feelings, and doubts about our futures.

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this it means a lot.

I think because he is the complete opposite of my partner it’s where the daydreaming is coming from. I know in reality it would never work out but just more concerned that I want this type of man instead. It’s hard to go in to too much detail but this man is older with a very good career, two houses (you know the rest). It’s very materialistic but I am the provider in my household and just wonder sometimes how nice it would be to share the responsibility’s or be with someone more ambitious. I love my partner but I feel more like his mother sometimes.

He may just be stringing you along because he finds it funny/exciting etc.
People say all sorts all the time. If your not happy with your partner then leave him and look elsewhere. I bet if you told this man you had left your partner and were free to start seeing him then he wouldn't want to know.

Thank you for this reply too. I completely agree and probably think I’m an absolute psychopath for ending an entire relationship over one conversation

ETA - not sure if this was for me or the OP but I’ll take the advice either way !!

 

[mochibean]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this it means a lot.

I think because he is the complete opposite of my partner it’s where the daydreaming is coming from. I know in reality it would never work out but just more concerned that I want this type of man instead. It’s hard to go in to too much detail but this man is older with a very good career, two houses (you know the rest). It’s very materialistic but I am the provider in my household and just wonder sometimes how nice it would be to share the responsibility’s or be with someone more ambitious. I love my partner but I feel more like his mother sometimes.

Noo I totally get it. I'm in the same boat. I have a mad crush on a guy at work right now and he's much better off than my partner in some ways, such as career. Thing is as I've been in this situation time after time I know it will fade and we'll probably be friends at most. Even if he was interested the grass usually isn't all that green tbh. Keep it in your mind, put energy into your relationship with your partner.

Honestly, I feel the same with my partner sometimes. Think it's just a bloke thing and tbh I know many of my friends feel the same sometimes, especially around our age of mid-late 20's. Although lately he's started making much more of an effort (after 10 bloody years!) and I'm happy he finally has found some motivation. He may not have decided in his own mind exactly what his ambitions are, or maybe he's just not that vocal about them.

I don't think it's materialistic, but if it's bothering you I'd definitely speak to him about it. You should both be contributing and sharing responsibilities as a partnership.

 

[Milliehaha123]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to this it means a lot.

I think because he is the complete opposite of my partner it’s where the daydreaming is coming from. I know in reality it would never work out but just more concerned that I want this type of man instead. It’s hard to go in to too much detail but this man is older with a very good career, two houses (you know the rest). It’s very materialistic but I am the provider in my household and just wonder sometimes how nice it would be to share the responsibility’s or be with someone more ambitious. I love my partner but I feel more like his mother sometimes.



Thank you for this reply too. I completely agree and probably think I’m an absolute psychopath for ending an entire relationship over one conversation

ETA - not sure if this was for me or the OP but I’ll take the advice either way !!

I had this exact situation years ago. I chose to end my relationship because I honestly could not stop thinking about this other guy, imagining us having sex and our wonderful life together. It was a terrible decision, he ended up to be an absolute nightmare and I regretted everything. As others have said the grass is not always greener- you sound really happy with your partner and I think some fantasies are totally normal

 

[AutumnSpring]

I had this exact situation years ago. I chose to end my relationship because I honestly could not stop thinking about this other guy, imagining us having sex and our wonderful life together. It was a terrible decision, he ended up to be an absolute nightmare and I regretted everything. As others have said the grass is not always greener- you sound really happy with your partner and I think some fantasies are totally normal

Wow, you are very brave though! Did you ever consider going back to your old partner? Do you think you realised something was missing anyway after all of that?

It sounds exactly like how I’m feeling. I’m not even being dramatic but I dream about him every night (I’m not crazy I promise ). I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I’m stuck in this relationship. I went to therapy a few years ago and she said I am the sort of person who craves excitement/new things and this is definitely how I feel. I just want to date, have mind blowing sex and fall in love all over again. I know this always wears off though so I’ll probably never be happy.

 

[Milliehaha123]

Wow, you are very brave though! Did you ever consider going back to your old partner? Do you think you realised something was missing anyway after all of that?

It sounds exactly like how I’m feeling. I’m not even being dramatic but I dream about him every night (I’m not crazy I promise ). I just feel like my life is going nowhere and I’m stuck in this relationship. I went to therapy a few years ago and she said I am the sort of person who craves excitement/new things and this is definitely how I feel. I just want to date, have mind blowing sex and fall in love all over again. I know this always wears off though so I’ll probably never be happy.

It was an awful decision to make but I trusted my gut (which ended up to be wrong lol) but no I never felt like I should go back to original boyfriend. Although this literally just contradicts everything I’ve just said ^^ I thought that my feelings for this other guy symbolised a deeper unhappiness. I too was dreaming about him on a weekly basis, every time his name popped up in my phone I felt a sense of excitement, I wanted to message him all the small little things you’d usually share with your partner etc. It was awful and I felt evil but I also didn’t want to look back on my life 20 years on and have regrets. It ended up being a great decision as I met my partner (we’ve been together for 8 years) and I’ve never had the same feelings towards anyone. Occasionally I’ll see a handsome guy who I think or an old flames name pop up and I’ll wonder what happened to him but nothing like the same level of intensity I felt previously.

Now I am really going back on my original post () but what I would say is life is short. If you just want all the excitement and to have some banging sex I don’t think that would constitute a valid reason for a break up, relationships do get dusty and I think it’s natural to crave a shake up, but I think your wording ‘stuck in this relationship’ is pretty telling Life is too short to be with the wrong person. Good luck with your decision it’s not an easy one!!! X

 

[idk2]

I've been in this situation before and it made me very uncomfortable so I can imagine how you feel!

I would say distance yourself from the "friend" and try to change the topic of conversation anytime he brings up your bf, relationship, etc. Soon he'll get the hint and hopefully if he's decent, stop it. My situation happened with a work colleague so I just had some of my other work friends who noticed his behaviour mention my bf in passing and make out like he was the most perfect man to ever exist lmaooo just to further rub in the fact its never going to happen. He didnt stop his advances with me so I just had to tell senior management to separate us on the rotas so I wouldn't have to see him.

I would also let your bf know if I was you. I didnt and it caused some arguments when my work colleague randomly texted me a few months after I'd quit. Boyfriend at the time got the wrong end of the stick bc of how the message was phrased. It would save you an argument in future and give you peace of mind too.

Good luck and dont be too hard on yourself for wondering either. I did as well and I couldn't even stand this guy - Its natural for us to be curious!

 

[TheScarletgirl]

Sounds like he likes the chase . I have had this before a dangerous type of man.

 

[Popcorn21]

I know this thread is a little old now but I've just read through it and really relate. A few years ago I got quite close to a colleague. He had a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a player...although I don't know if this was more of a show if that makes sense. I was going through a bad patch with my partner of a few years and I was very unhappy for various reasons and I told him I needed a break from the relationship. He stayed in contact every day so I dont know if I really got the break I needed. Anyway, before the break me and my colleague started messaging after work, all very innocently. But when we were on a break we were messaging all evening from the moment we left eachother in the office until late at night. Once it did get a bit sexual, but nothing ever happened. My partner (or ex? As we were on a break) really wanted to try and make things work so I decided I would try. After this, things did turn a bit sour with my colleague, it just wasn't jokey and fun like it was before and I do understand why, but he even called me a witch as a 'joke' which I really did not like. He had never 'joked' like that before so then my opinion on him completely changed for a while and we stopped taking almost completely. He knew the situation with my partner the whole time by the way. Anyway, a couple years on and I still keep thinking about my colleague, in pretty much every way as you guys have mentioned. Im not particularly happy with my partner again but now we are living together and saving for a mortgage and I feel trapped. I can't stop thinking about what could have been with my colleague! Feel like I must be going mad or something! Lol sorry this has ended up being more of a rant but I just feel so confused.

 

[Raininvain]

I know this thread is a little old now but I've just read through it and really relate. A few years ago I got quite close to a colleague. He had a bit of a reputation for being a bit of a player...although I don't know if this was more of a show if that makes sense. I was going through a bad patch with my partner of a few years and I was very unhappy for various reasons and I told him I needed a break from the relationship. He stayed in contact every day so I dont know if I really got the break I needed. Anyway, before the break me and my colleague started messaging after work, all very innocently. But when we were on a break we were messaging all evening from the moment we left eachother in the office until late at night. Once it did get a bit sexual, but nothing ever happened. My partner (or ex? As we were on a break) really wanted to try and make things work so I decided I would try. After this, things did turn a bit sour with my colleague, it just wasn't jokey and fun like it was before and I do understand why, but he even called me a witch as a 'joke' which I really did not like. He had never 'joked' like that before so then my opinion on him completely changed for a while and we stopped taking almost completely. He knew the situation with my partner the whole time by the way. Anyway, a couple years on and I still keep thinking about my colleague, in pretty much every way as you guys have mentioned. Im not particularly happy with my partner again but now we are living together and saving for a mortgage and I feel trapped. I can't stop thinking about what could have been with my colleague! Feel like I must be going mad or something! Lol sorry this has ended up being more of a rant but I just feel so confused.

You're not trapped at all. Make plans to get out and leave him. Neither man sounds right for you.

 

[Pinkblush]

Some people want what they can't have or like the excitement of what's not in their reach. You usually find with people like this as soon as they get you their interest wains slightly because the excitement has gone.

 

[lip1]

Replace the word "friend" with "manipulative asshole" and threat the guy accordingly. The end.