Autistic (undiagnosed or not) Adults Thread

[Millennial Pink]

Years later at high school I had issues reading in front of the class in English. I would refuse to take a part if we were reading a play to the point where my teacher would have silent conversations with me while the rest of the class was reading, trying to convince me to take a part that only had one word out a short line I would usually agree them sit there full of anxiety waiting for my turn to come around. I think both teachers thought they were doing me a favour, but it traumatised me to the point I still think about it 30 years later.

I had similar issues. Whenever we had to take turns reading I would just sit there like a little ball of anxiety until my turn came round and then people would whinge that my voice was too quiet. I think a lot of the 'just doing people a favour' is actively traumatic to us, like forcing us to socialise when we just...can't.

 

[sassylash]

wow, i have inattentive and impulsive adhd, but i reading through this i’m thinking is this also an autism thing too? or sensory processing disorder…
- i hate the feeling of certain textures (clothing/sofas etc) they make me feel ill
- rarely do i look people in the eyes (i always look at teeth)
- certain food textures, or certain foods. in school —when i was on packed lunch i alternated between thee same 3 sandwiches on a weekly basis, i did not eat anything else still go this day
- but… i need to listen to things loud loud loud
- i am definitely impulsive but i also need to do things in the exact same way, or i forget things and also get distracted and frustrated and quite anxious
- i don’t ‘read’ the room i say it how it is, everyone always says your so sarcastic but i’m literally not trying to be? apparently i’m very blunt
- finding it hard to say how i feel
- i take things literally if u say ur going to do something & you don’t? all hell breaks loose
- i need to know how things work i need to know the concept
- omggggg yes not giving people personal space omg me me me
- my smell is honestly on 100%
- i notice things people don’t for example when a colleague dyes their hair from dark brown to black and usually get the response wow no one else ever notices
- i hate the feeling of rain on my clothing. it makes. my teeth. grind. it will ruin my whole day
- hate certain socks, again will ruin my day
- i get very interested in things, but loose interest very fast although i think that is my adhd
can’t think of anything else but seriously considering my GP now

 

[fusspot]

Eye contact has always been a big issue with me. I can barely make eye contact with my own family. I get hugely embarrassed by it because I know people notice, and I do try to work on it.
I’ve never really thought about sensory overload before but I hate the tv or radio to be too loud, and I can’t bear when the tv is on and there’s a radio on in another room.
Someone mentioned earlier that people don’t warm to them. I’ve always felt like this, for as long as I can remember. I think no matter how hard I try, I come across as stand offish. Like I put up barriers without realising I’m doing it.
I honestly feel so relieved to have found this thread.

 

[Forallthoseasking]

Sorry for the long, messy post but my head is fried and I don't know who to talk to about this

So I've got a lot of life experience with autism. My brother was diagnosed when he was a toddler in the 90s and went to special needs schools so we had a lot of family friends through that network with autistic kids. We have also been convinced for years that my mum is autistic after many "really? Is that not normal? But I was like that as a child?" moments during my brother's diagnosis but she has never seen the point in getting an assessment as she doesn't want to take a place from a person in real need.

During a teenage mental breakdown I went from pillar to post in CBT sessions as they concluded I wasn't "depressed" as I apparently "had too much fight in me for a clinically depressed person" but I was also suicidal so I had an elaborate mix of CBT/anger management and counselling all bundled up into a "we don't know what is wrong with you but if this helps?"
Eventually I did feel better but only after moving country for university and basically adapting to my own little life (and a lot of uni partying).
I've since built a career and done really well for myself. I've got an amazing partner who is better than I could have wished for. We moved in together right before covid hit.

Since living with him and with covid and life generally changing in every way possible, I've found it harder to mask those worries that I had kept at bay with my little way of doing things. I used to have "ipod time" as a teenager where I listened to emo music at full blast on my ipod nano whilst pacing the upstairs landing in the dark. My family understood this completely and would simply flick the light on when it was time for tea or whatever. In times of extreme stress, I still go back to ipod time as an adult. It is my ultimate comfort blanket. My partner tries to understand but doesn't quite get this and other things I do to calm. When talking to other people, they don't tend to either.

There's lots of other little things like this that I could list off but overall, the only people who seem to understand these traits are my family (1 confirmed autistic person and 1 highly suspected) and one of my colleagues, who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years back after a mental breakdown very like the one I had over a decade ago.

This in addition to many articles etc that I am relating too way too much are now causing me brain fog with the "am I? Aren't I?" Thoughts. I would love to get diagnosed and find out if I am or not. I don't really care either option it would find to be honest, I just want clarity to stop my brain twisting things.

Does anyone know of any private referrals that are actually assessments and not a glorified online quiz? Like my mum, I don't want to take the place of a kid like my brother was who really needs it but I am anxious.

Thank you if you got this far

 

[penny1992]

What I do in this circumstance is go on google maps and use the little yellow man to look at the street it's on. Sounds a bit weird but it feels more familiar for me then cause I recognise it

I do this too! I do the drive on street view the night before and I look out for places that stand out. (where I need to turn right there's a mcdonald's etc lol). It helps.

 

[maytoseptember]

Just updating this thread to say I have an assessment coming up soon and I’m terrified! Not because I’m afraid of the diagnosis (I know in my bones I’m autistic) but I feel kind of embarrassed to be making a fuss at my age. And about spending all this money going private.

I’m also scared about having to drive to an unfamiliar place which is something I usually flat out refuse to do. So that’s bothering me more than the actual assessment right now.

 

[Millennial Pink]

I have decided (at 30) not to pursue an autism diagnosis. The reality is, my mental health is really good, mainly due to avoiding shit that makes me uncomfortable/exhausted and I don't really need any accommodations at work. The accommodations I need are more in my personal life and my partner is generally pretty good about it all. I think an autism diagnosis, due to the lack of understanding and stigma surrounding it, could potentially do me more harm than good. I'm not against it in general btw, just thinking about my own unique situation.

I have noticed that since returning to the office recently, my issues around eye-contact and sensory overload with things like noise are quite a bit worse than before lockdown. I don't know if this would always have been the case or if learning more about autism has made me more aware of it? I can barely mask eye-contact nowadays. Oh well, if anyone points it out at least I can explain why it's happening. My job attracts quite a lot of neurodivergent people so I'm hardly the only one.

 

[Purrrrrrr]

Hi I am not diagnosed but it's something I looked into before being diagnosed with ADHD back in Feb. However it still plays on my mind so I might try and save for a private assessment.

I mainly have difficulties with social situations, I can just about cope at work but it feels forced and like I'm acting so it's quite exhausting

Imposter syndrome is more common than people think. I always thought one day they will see I am not who they think and the reason my work is good is because of outside things etc. one thing goes wrong and they will see I'm a useless fucker. It's only now that I am seeing how much of my life I was winging it, bodging my way through it.

We think one of our granddaughters is autistic/ ADHD but mum doesn't want a diagnosis due to labelling .. I was in agreement with that but now my life although a good life now seems to be falling apart like cannot pretend anymore. everything that I believed was a little quirk of mine is now magnified and gets worse the older I get.

Maybe its because I'm not running on adrelnoline anymore, no stress in my life at all going from 99.9% stress before.

 

[Guyyyyyzzzzzz]

Hello! I’m not diagnosed but I think my daughter is ASD and I see a lot of her in myself and completely understand where she’s coming from….if that makes sense

 

[Dollenganger]

How does everyone deal with the workplace?

I can only do certain jobs. I can only do jobs that involve working 1:1 and not in, say a busy office. There is legislation to protect disabled people so you can ask your employer to make adjustments for you.

 

[dancingqueen5678]

I don’t think I qualify as neurotypical mainly because I can’t detect when someone else is operating with guile. Also audio processing can be a pain and a half. I am always turning on closed captioning these days and it’s like hearing aids for a deaf person or glasses on a vision impaired baby. A lot of other things that I think could be symptoms could also just as easily be the outcome of a very strange and confusing childhood.

This is actually an issue that came up with my therapist. I had a lot of trauma in childhood and we’ve discussed at length was I autistic or was I traumatised or was I traumatised because I was autistic so trauma affected me different than it maybe would another kid. It’s like a what came first the chicken or egg kind of scenario

 

[Guyyyyyzzzzzz]

I think when googling about ASD if your a women allllllllllll research out there is based on boys/men.

So that’s how we get missed or mis-diagnosed.

Girls present differently to boys which professionals don’t always get .

So as girls we learn to fit in we learn what’s ‘right’ and how not to look like the weird ones.


Then at home where it’s our safe place and we can be us that’s when we break down that’s when the meltdowns come and the ‘crying over nothing’ because we are exhausted from masking all day and fitting in.


I’m constantly told I’m very blunt. I have to watch for peoples expressions or their body language and sometimes I can’t read them so I over apologise for being rude, there’s times where before I say what I need to say, I’ll say I’m sorry if this comes across as being rude I’m not meaning to be.

It’s incredibly draining.

Before going somewhere new I have to google the place where the toilets are, where there’s food how far away my car is parked. An then I’m anxious the whole time. Because I can’t relax, it’s new and I don’t like it.

I over think. Constantly over think. I hate the way some clothes feel and it’s like I can’t think straight so I need to remove those.

The list is almost endless of things I do. As a child I had a routine where I had to go through a process of checking things, my parents tried to say it was because I was trying to get of sleeping. When all I wanted was to sleep. I later learned that was OCD when I’m stressed I feel those thoughts slowly creeping back in.

Life is hard without masking and pretending, and thinking about back then and now, I 10000% don’t want my daughter to go through any of that.

I don’t think I qualify as neurotypical mainly because I can’t detect when someone else is operating with guile. Also audio processing can be a pain and a half. I am always turning on closed captioning these days and it’s like hearing aids for a deaf person or glasses on a vision impaired baby. A lot of other things that I think could be symptoms could also just as easily be the outcome of a very strange and confusing childhood.

what does that mean, sorry? Operating with a guile?

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Unless you mean self fulfilling like you see symptoms then equate them to your life even if you don’t have it?
I personally don’t think that’s true

Noooo not at all, just I’m aware people doctor shop until they get the answer they want… Also I think going in as a functioning white woman with other privileges saying I think I have x to the extent where I’m paying £1,900 to confirm that they’re more inclined to just agree with me than to thoroughly investigate the reality, as they would if it was NHS. I think an NHS diagnosis is legit, but I don’t have it in me to fight for one (and arguably, I don’t need one so shouldn’t take a place in the queue that could go to a kid or someone who needs a legit diagnosis for PIP or other reasons). If that makes sense x

 

[candyland_]

My friends think I have autism. I have struggled for a long time but I just always assumed that’s who I was but I get told I’m not normal all the time, I think it’s got worse since lockdown.

When I have done those online tests they come back as highly likely but I feel silly approaching a doctor about it.

 

[Forallthoseasking]

Sorry for the long, messy post but my head is fried and I don't know who to talk to about this

So I've got a lot of life experience with autism. My brother was diagnosed when he was a toddler in the 90s and went to special needs schools so we had a lot of family friends through that network with autistic kids. We have also been convinced for years that my mum is autistic after many "really? Is that not normal? But I was like that as a child?" moments during my brother's diagnosis but she has never seen the point in getting an assessment as she doesn't want to take a place from a person in real need.

During a teenage mental breakdown I went from pillar to post in CBT sessions as they concluded I wasn't "depressed" as I apparently "had too much fight in me for a clinically depressed person" but I was also suicidal so I had an elaborate mix of CBT/anger management and counselling all bundled up into a "we don't know what is wrong with you but if this helps?"
Eventually I did feel better but only after moving country for university and basically adapting to my own little life (and a lot of uni partying).
I've since built a career and done really well for myself. I've got an amazing partner who is better than I could have wished for. We moved in together right before covid hit.

Since living with him and with covid and life generally changing in every way possible, I've found it harder to mask those worries that I had kept at bay with my little way of doing things. I used to have "ipod time" as a teenager where I listened to emo music at full blast on my ipod nano whilst pacing the upstairs landing in the dark. My family understood this completely and would simply flick the light on when it was time for tea or whatever. In times of extreme stress, I still go back to ipod time as an adult. It is my ultimate comfort blanket. My partner tries to understand but doesn't quite get this and other things I do to calm. When talking to other people, they don't tend to either.

There's lots of other little things like this that I could list off but overall, the only people who seem to understand these traits are my family (1 confirmed autistic person and 1 highly suspected) and one of my colleagues, who was diagnosed with autism and ADHD a few years back after a mental breakdown very like the one I had over a decade ago.

This in addition to many articles etc that I am relating too way too much are now causing me brain fog with the "am I? Aren't I?" Thoughts. I would love to get diagnosed and find out if I am or not. I don't really care either option it would find to be honest, I just want clarity to stop my brain twisting things.

Does anyone know of any private referrals that are actually assessments and not a glorified online quiz? Like my mum, I don't want to take the place of a kid like my brother was who really needs it but I am anxious.

Thank you if you got this far

To update on this, I've got a GP appointment in the morning to discuss.

I had a training course with work the other week where someone pretty much diagnosed me on the call which was awkward but spurred me to actually book the doctors!

Edit: spelling

 

[Apple In My Pie]

I haven’t posted here in ages. I have referred myself for an assessment after it was brought up once again at therapy that I exhibit some autistic traits and my therapist sent me a link for self referral for an assessment. i’m doubting myself as they sent out two questionnaires - one for me and one for my mother, based on my childhood. Most of what my mother ticked off about my childhood would suggest I am not autistic but it is completely different to the questionnaire I filled out.

The place which I referred myself into said they looked at both questionnaires and accepted my referral - now I just have to wait.

but I am really scared. Doubting myself. Also, does anyone know how long I will be waiting for the assessment?

 

[Abby lockhart]

This post couldn’t have come on a better day! My friend approached me about my daughter yesterday. She’s quite controlling of me in particular; throws whopper tantrums , although they’re getting better , screams when it’s not going her own way like I’ve never heard, some idiosyncrasies like licks things at the mo, but this is new, loves to rub skin (ears) and used to purposely avoid eye contact but that’s stopped , used to bite her arm also stopped . We’ve also just had a baby recently plus Covid so anxieties are high.

Obviously went down a rabbit hole researching asd in girls. Very hard to see what’s really a red flag and what’s toddler behaviour. Likes she’s just two and otherwise developmentally sound ! Anyway reading articles hit so so close to the bone

I often dread social gatherings, but not always. I am terrible at chit chat. I’m havefew close friends, never in with the in crowd or lasted very long (but also moved schools a bit for other reasons ) I’ve had episodes of high anxiety around big changes like secondary school and colleges, but they had two babies for married n bought a house with none. It so confusing but I spent half the day today wondering if I actually make eye contact with ppl , and then forcing myself to do it today! I’m so confused now

Sorry for the reposting , and re writing, phone froze!!

 

[Sandyclaws]

I'm here, haven't the spoons to read ATM but I'm a late diagnosis

 

[LadyTonya]

Following with interest. Brother in law aged 37 recently diagnosed ASD and struggling

 

[Sheabutter]

I work in a general admin role. Luckily I only have to speak and interact with the few people I work with most of the time, because I find having to call people, or even speak to people outside of my team, incredibly and embarrassingly challenging

Thank you for sharing! I forget why I always scroll past those positions. I’ll have to give them a second look.

I have been single for a very very long time. My mental health is better when I am single. Yeah, I do get a bit lonely at times but I find my mind spirals more out of control if I am in a relationship. I am always second guessing everything and there’s always change which makes things harder to handle.

I’m in the same boat. I feel like a deer caught in the headlights in relationships. I get very paralyzed. I feel more at ease being on my own.