I rent from a HA and they have a policy on domestic abuse. It states that if abuse has been committed under ‘their’ roof then they have the right to withdraw the tenancy. I’m sure in this case, you can have this vile man removed from your tenancy agreement.
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She doesnt want to rock the boat and risk losing the kids. We need to listen to what she is saying even though we dont agree with the approach. Im not sure what more any of us can say apart from letting OP make her own calls and know we are here to listen.
You’re giving him what he wants. You don’t even realize you are because you‘re so under his thumb. Where is he sleeping? Because if he’s not on the sofa you will have to be. Good luck to you, but please tell your kids every day that this is NOT okay and in no way shape or form should they be acting like this with their future partners. I fear for your kids and their future relationships learning and accepting that this is ‘normal’. 
I understand that. I just grew up with abusive parents and as an adult it’s ruined me. I hate to think anyone would allow their own children to go through that. I can only assume what their dad is doing is not only abusing their mother but emotionally abusing them and that’s not ok. Of course she can make her own calls and you’re correct we will listen. Bottom line is though her kids are I assume minors and having them live in an abusive, toxic household isn’t okay by any means. I know it’s difficult to get away from an abusive man, I’ve been there (thankfully no kids) but if I did have children, that would definitely give me the kick up the arse I needed to get away and keep my kids safe.
Her kids are age 21, 18 & 15. the 21year old doesn’t live at home. All 3 kids are old enough to understand what’s going on and should all be disgusted by their father’s behaviour.
That’s absolutely awful. Yeah I totally agree. Makes you wonder why they’re not..
Right so I have managed to take a little power back. It's not everything I want but it's something.
He'll be getting paid Friday so then we shall buy my youngest a new bed and he can have the old one, he's got the weekend to get the room set up as he wants. After that, he WILL actually agree to leaving for a couple of days so then when he comes back it can be a clean break. Separate lives. No more affection or anything along those lines. I truly think this is the best out of my options just for now.
I have been as open as I can be but hope this might clarify things a bit. I had a breakdown a number of years ago and since have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, depression and at the worst point agoraphobia. That's probably why am so unwilling to leave my house - it's a real source of comfort when things are hard. I know living with someone who has mental health issues isn't easy so I think over time it was perfect for him to show himself as the heroic caring husband and dad whilst I was struggling. The real irony is when I was completely back up on my feet is when he didn't want to be with me.
Part of me feels sorry for this other woman. I know she's in a bad home situation, very low in self esteem, after 3 weeks she is apparently paranoid that K will stop talking to her. He's just found another needy woman to glom onto because he knows I was getting to a place of not needing him.
Got a whole day free today as he's taking our daughter to stay with her friend for a week so just going to get some headspace and try and make myself strong. Again thank you all. I know the way I'm doing things doesnt make sense to a lot of you but I also know just how vicious he can be and what further damage he can do.
He'll be getting paid Friday so then we shall buy my youngest a new bed and he can have the old one, he's got the weekend to get the room set up as he wants. After that, he WILL actually agree to leaving for a couple of days so then when he comes back it can be a clean break. Separate lives. No more affection or anything along those lines. I truly think this is the best out of my options just for now.
I have been as open as I can be but hope this might clarify things a bit. I had a breakdown a number of years ago and since have struggled with PTSD, anxiety, depression and at the worst point agoraphobia. That's probably why am so unwilling to leave my house - it's a real source of comfort when things are hard. I know living with someone who has mental health issues isn't easy so I think over time it was perfect for him to show himself as the heroic caring husband and dad whilst I was struggling. The real irony is when I was completely back up on my feet is when he didn't want to be with me.
Part of me feels sorry for this other woman. I know she's in a bad home situation, very low in self esteem, after 3 weeks she is apparently paranoid that K will stop talking to her. He's just found another needy woman to glom onto because he knows I was getting to a place of not needing him.
Got a whole day free today as he's taking our daughter to stay with her friend for a week so just going to get some headspace and try and make myself strong. Again thank you all. I know the way I'm doing things doesnt make sense to a lot of you but I also know just how vicious he can be and what further damage he can do.
This is quite harsh but it shows how hard abuse is to break away from and how frustrating it is for those on the outside.You’re giving him what he wants. You don’t even realize you are because you‘re so under his thumb. Where is he sleeping? Because if he’s not on the sofa you will have to be. Good luck to you, but please tell your kids every day that this is NOT okay and in no way shape or form should they be acting like this with their future partners. I fear for your kids and their future relationships learning and accepting that this is ‘normal’.
Yes just make small steps to get yourself to where you need to be and keep talking to those you trust. Do you have your own income?
Yes I do, I work full time (from home at the moment since furlough) so that's something! Its very strange. I can be objective and see what's going on when he's not in the house but when he's home I can feel getting sucked back in. Hopefully these couple of days of him staying away will just take away that power he has over me.
Thats great. Look how far you have come since your breakdown. You are strong. Its not easy to accept someone doesnt want you anymore, ive been there myself, but actions speak louder than words and his actions are showing you how he really feels even though his words seem to be jumbled and hes sending you mixed messages. I tried living in my house with my ex for a bit it was absolutely awful and frankly impossible. I slept on the floor. Its woeful. But i understand your concerns and everything you feel is valid.
In those days he isn’t around really make sure you are working on separating yourself from him, especially if you solely have your wage going into a joint account. The first thing I would do would be to set up a personal bank account and if you are splitting bills just putting in your half.
It’s so upsetting to hear how your children view the situation. Not sure if you have specified their genders other than your daughter just now but they need to know this isn’t acceptable so they don’t go forward and take essentially this learnt behaviour into their lives and either become the person acting out a similar situation or the person living within a similar situation.
I agree with the poster above about ensuring that someone you trust is aware of everything.
For you to come through what you have shows you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may think your recovery was a lot to do with your husband stepping up, but in fairness don’t applaud him for doing what he should be doing anyway by being there for his children and his wife.
It’s so upsetting to hear how your children view the situation. Not sure if you have specified their genders other than your daughter just now but they need to know this isn’t acceptable so they don’t go forward and take essentially this learnt behaviour into their lives and either become the person acting out a similar situation or the person living within a similar situation.
I agree with the poster above about ensuring that someone you trust is aware of everything.
For you to come through what you have shows you are stronger than you give yourself credit for. You may think your recovery was a lot to do with your husband stepping up, but in fairness don’t applaud him for doing what he should be doing anyway by being there for his children and his wife.
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You should be really proud of yourself for those first steps - I’m proud of you!!
I would recommend trying to get some professional help, others have posted helplines. This is clearly really complicated and I think it would beneficial to speak to someone not emotionally involved, but can help.
I would recommend trying to get some professional help, others have posted helplines. This is clearly really complicated and I think it would beneficial to speak to someone not emotionally involved, but can help.
Had had a good day. Had stolen his chair to sit in for a few hours - the one where you can actually see the TV without the glare on it. Had gone and had a long relaxing bath ( normally shower because he likes long baths) then got tonight cos he overstepped with the other woman in regards to the house and I've asked him to respect me enough so they keep their distance - even whilst phone - whilst I still have to have him living here. Sick of letting him see that he can still hurt me. That was really bloody stupid. He just seems to find new ways to hurt me. It's so frustrating.
Never mind. New week tomorrow, new starts.
(I am now keeping this partially as diary like so I can see how far I've come from the beginning as it goes through - hope that's OK for everyone)
Never mind. New week tomorrow, new starts.
(I am now keeping this partially as diary like so I can see how far I've come from the beginning as it goes through - hope that's OK for everyone)
What do you mean - he had the other woman at YOUR house???
I didn’t pick up on that. That’s despicable if that’s the case
Find someone who can speak up for you as this is now bordering on emotional abuse! A lawyer, an advocacy group, anyone who can give you good advice and if needed act on your behalf. I don’t know what he has on you, and I know sometimes we want to believe till the last minute that someone will come back around, and sometimes they do, but if certain lines are crossed, you need to walk away or make them walk away for your own sake.
If he took another woman to your home, that crosses literally every line. Especially after you agreed on boundaries. He is basically doing what he wants and no one is holding him accountable. I don’t always believe in the whole “homewrecker” type “other woman” situation but you also have to consider what sort of person he is with if she’d do something like this and what he is going to potentially expose your kids to!
I took from it that Leviosa had heard him on the phone to her, but reading it back it could have been that she was there....
@leviosa when you spoke to your family about this, what did they say? Can none of them come to your house and stand up for you, and be there while you tell this piece of tit to get out? Can none of them speak to your kids to get them to see what’s going on here?
im finding this all a bit odd - that no one around you seems to see what’s actually happening or want to help you. If I was in your position I know several family members would have knocked the living tit out of him by now…
im finding this all a bit odd - that no one around you seems to see what’s actually happening or want to help you. If I was in your position I know several family members would have knocked the living tit out of him by now…
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