Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[Shineyshine]

I was right. He has come home from meeting her and told me he does want to pursue a relationship with her. However he still wants the status quo here.

My kids still living at home dont want him to move out and will hate me if I kick him out. He's done a real number on us all. He's out shagging around and I am STILL the bad guy.

Oh @leviosa what an absolute areshole! So what’s to stop him doing the same thing again?

As you say, he’s really done a number in you. You’re the only one who knows what he’s really been up to, so everybody else still thinks he’s a loving husband

I know it’s hard and that you probably still love him, but he’s not going to change. He’s already told you he doesn’t love you, so has he decided he does love you again? If it were me, I’d still be making moves to get myself out of the relationship. He’s not a good man. I think you know this now - even if you’re relieved this current situation has blown over, he will do it again because he’s seen he can get away with it.

I hope you manage to find the strength to move on and take some of the brilliant advice that’s been given by the other posters on here. We’re all with you, willing you on.

 

[Boutros-Boutros Ghali]

Your kids are grown up. Imagine your reaction if one of them told you that’s what their partner was doing to them, what advice they’ll give you. Please get yourself out of this situation. I hope your meeting with your family goes well today and they can give you some sort of support to help you move away from this. You don’t deserve this and although it hurts now you will look back and realise it’s the best thing you can do…he’s an hole

 

[JoeBloggs]

You need to be honest with your kids and explain why he has left or why you are leaving. They are old enough to find out what this scumbag has done and make their own choices. Perhaps they do want to live with him for now and the best thing you can do is leave and sort yourself out.

None of this is going to be easy, staying as things are is going to be hard but so is leaving and you need to put yourself first. I’m sorry but he’s making a mug of you and he’s the only one winning.

Please stop worrying about him or the kids right now, think of you. Get yourself sorted, if they want to come great but if they don’t I us suspect in a few months they will. It will take time for them to see him for the man he is.

Please sort your finance out ASAP, find somewhere else to go you if can’t kick him out and get your name of anything your are jointly responsible for.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Your children are adults. Tell them the truth. Tell them their father is out bleeping another woman while psychologically abusing you and controlling you and trying to turn this around on you. You have to stand up for yourself. You need legal advice and you need real world support. Tell your family absolutely everything when you see them today. But enough is enough.

 

[Mr Daydream]

Why are you worried about upsetting your kids by throwing him out? YOU are the mother and YOU tell them what’s happening whether they like it or not. Sorry I just don’t believe in pandering to children, especially when this is going to have a serious effect on your mental well-being. Please do something today, not next week not next month, TODAY!!

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Why are you worried about upsetting your kids by throwing him out? YOU are the mother and YOU tell them what’s happening whether they like it or not. Sorry I just don’t believe in pandering to children, especially when this is going to have a serious effect on your mental well-being. Please do something today, not next week not next month, TODAY!!

Exactly and 2 of the kids are 18 & 21 and one doesn’t even live at home!!!!

 

[JoeBloggs]

By allowing him to stay you are showing your kids it’s okay to be treated like tit. Show them it is not okay, that you have self respect for yourself and kick him out (or leave).

It is not their call that he stays, yes they will be upset but that’s his doing and they will eventually see that.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

@leviosa show your kids this tattle thread. they are all old enough to understand what’s going on, don’t allow him to use them against you like this.

 

[Bgr101]

@leviosa show your kids this tattle thread. they are all old enough to understand what’s going on, don’t allow him to use them against you like this.

Sadly i dont think we are getting through but hopefully when the time is right all our words will be helpful.

 

[OhMyGaad]

I think everyone is in agreement here. Stop letting him have his cake and eat it. He is treating you like dirt. Never mind the kids. They are old enough to understand and if you tell them what's actually going on I'm sure their opinions will change. I empathise with you, I really do, but if you continue to let him treat you like a door mat then you'll only have yourself to blame.

 

[Mr Daydream]

I don’t get why people ask for advice on here but then don’t take it when literally everyone is saying the same thing

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I don’t get why people ask for advice on here but then don’t take it when literally everyone is saying the same thing

I don’t get why people can’t comprehend the enormity of 20+ years of systematic abuse and coercive control. Her entire adult life. He’s wired her brain to suit himself. Even asking for advice and articulating what’s going on is a huge step. It’s not a one and done situation.

https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

 

[Jelly Bean]

@leviosa show your kids this tattle thread. they are all old enough to understand what’s going on, don’t allow him to use them against you like this.

I was thinking that this thread is good evidence for the OP in a number of ways. It is all mapped here clearly going back nearly a year. Shows @leviosa has thought about this long and hard.
(I cringe at my first post - slightly defending the man before the whole truth came out)

 

[Shineyshine]

I don’t get why people can’t comprehend the enormity of 20+ years of systematic abuse and coercive control. Her entire adult life. He’s wired her brain to suit himself. Even asking for advice and articulating what’s going on is a huge step. It’s not a one and done situation.

https://vpfw.com/blog/why-it-takes-women-7-attempts-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship/

I agree. It’s not that easy. All we can do is offer advice and support, and hope that @leviosa finds the strength to get herself out of her terrible situation.

 

[Bgr101]

I agree. It’s not that easy. All we can do is offer advice and support, and hope that @leviosa finds the strength to get herself out of her terrible situation.

Id say a few of us have been in similar situations ourselves. Thought of being alone is awful and scary but in the long run its better. I just hope anyone on here who needs to know it realises it. What will happen here is that he will probably end up leaving anyway so i think OP should end the hurt and do it first. Its hard, i dont envy her.

 

[LolitaBlah]

We're all rooting for you @leviosa ! I hope you give us some good news tonight.

 

[leviosa]

Was begging him again to leave earlier, even if just for a couple of days. Just to have some time on my own. He's point blank refusing and there's nothing I can do. Will talk to family today and see what my options are here. I dont want to leave my house, this is where I feel comfortable and secure and I dont want him to take that too.

 

[BoPeeping]

I was right. He has come home from meeting her and told me he does want to pursue a relationship with her. However he still wants the status quo here.

My kids still living at home dont want him to move out and will hate me if I kick him out. He's done a real number on us all. He's out shagging around and I am STILL the bad guy.

wow. I hope you are okay. Sending lots and lots of love.

 

[OhMyGaad]

Was begging him again to leave earlier, even if just for a couple of days. Just to have some time on my own. He's point blank refusing and there's nothing I can do. Will talk to family today and see what my options are here. I dont want to leave my house, this is where I feel comfortable and secure and I dont want him to take that too.

I don't think you should have to leave your house. He's the one in the wrong. Speak to women's refuge agencies, a solicitor or someone who can guide you and let you know your rights. He's the one who has broken down your marriage. I hope you find peace soon

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Was begging him again to leave earlier, even if just for a couple of days. Just to have some time on my own. He's point blank refusing and there's nothing I can do. Will talk to family today and see what my options are here. I dont want to leave my house, this is where I feel comfortable and secure and I dont want him to take that too.

please contact Refuge, you need to know your rights here. tell your children exactly what he’s doing and tell your family everything. Tell everyone.