Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[BettyCrockerr]

He still wants to hug me, call me affection names, kiss me goodbye. He still wants sex. And yes I'm stupid but I still do at the moment. For me, I can't switch off like he's somehow been able to do. He's got the best of both worlds!

I say this with respect and im trying to be gentle here…

but what are you playing at?


he’s cheating on you. and he still expects you to behave like his wife including being physically intimate with him? This situation is crazy.

please please please, Stop this. He cannot have his cake and eat it. This is awful. Frankly I’d kick the bastard out and leave him to his new woman. He’s treating you terribly and showing you not an ounce of respect. he can sleep on the sofa the cheeky bastard.

with regards to money etc - stop worrying. You will be fine. He’s been cheating on you and you have kids - you’d get to stay in the family home and he’d have to pay for the kids etc.

you need to start getting your ducks in a row here and stop looking at this piece of tit through those rose tinted glasses. He’s a cheating tit and the audacity of him is something else.

 

[Shineyshine]

He's jut phoned me to tell me he has decided to definitely meet up with this woman (he says as a friend). Weirdly he seems to be waiting for more of a reaction. I didn't give him one. Just don't understand.

He’s not being fair to you at all. He can’t stay with you but decide to go out with someone else to see whether or not he’s interested in them. Meanwhile, what are you supposed to do? He’s being really selfish. Get yourself out of there if you can.

 

[mollypocket]

So basically he is meeting another women and is not ruling out anything happening between them, but wants to kiss and sleep with you as he's keeping his options open just incase it doesn't work out the way he hopes with this other women, I wouldn't give him the time of day, he wouldn't be living in my house? How could you sleep with him after this or stay with him, the trust will be gone completely as he's clearly not happy, sorry if that's harsh but he's taking the piss.

 

[Greencatfysh]

That’s madness. He can skip off into a new happy relationship (which 90% of the time will backfire and he’ll end up alone, which is good for you ) but in the meantime - KICK HIS ASS OUT! as others have said legally he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I’d get a lawyer immediately. Even if he doesn’t want to divorce, or you don’t, he can’t literally have his cake and eat it too. And rub your face in seeing this other woman. What the hell!!!!

Different scenario but reminds me of my ex bf. After 5 years he said he wanted to end it. After the initial shock I accepted it and we made practical plans. He was surprised when I said I was going to my parents with a bag and he could deal with all the admin of ending our rental early, other fees and stuff. I was like - ummm you’re the one who wants out. You can now live in our tiny flat alone surrounded by memories whilst paying double the rent

 

[Alexaj]

I say this with respect and im trying to be gentle here…

but what are you playing at?


he’s cheating on you. and he still expects you to behave like his wife including being physically intimate with him? This situation is crazy.

please please please, Stop this. He cannot have his cake and eat it. This is awful. Frankly I’d kick the bastard out and leave him to his new woman. He’s treating you terribly and showing you not an ounce of respect. he can sleep on the sofa the cheeky bastard.

with regards to money etc - stop worrying. You will be fine. He’s been cheating on you and you have kids - you’d get to stay in the family home and he’d have to pay for the kids etc.

you need to start getting your ducks in a row here and stop looking at this piece of tit through those rose tinted glasses. He’s a cheating tit and the audacity of him is something else.

I was waiting for a @BettyCrockerr reality check

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Wow, you need to let his ass go and meet this new woman tomorrow , get the locksmith round and change all the locks. Kick him out and file for divorce on the grounds of adultery.

If he earns twice what you do and has been financial contributing more to shared funds then you should be entitled to some sort of spousal maintenance.

Take him to the cleaners, empty shared accounts - altho maybe not possible if he needs to approve release of funds.

absolutely disgusting he's basically been gaslighting you for a year while keeping his options open and lining up his next shag while keeping you sweet

 

[judgejohndeed]

Have been lurking but I would definitely tell him you’ll file for divorce under the ground of adultery, even smile sweetly and say it’ll go through quicker than the 2 year wait for unreasonable behaviour. This doesn’t actually affect the financial settlement at all but funnily enough most people don’t like adultery being listed on the forms when they’re the ones doing it. Please stop sleeping with him etc though, I know it’s difficult but he is just using you at this point. If he earns loads more than you the starting point is generally 50:50 (depends on your circumstances, any children etc so you need legal advice obviously) sounds like an absolute prat and you’re long shot of him tbh.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Omfg I want to punch this head right in the chops and then get leviosa and all the wise tattlers on this thread round mine for G&Ts and to hammer out a plan. Other drinks available

 

[Mr Daydream]

Wow. Well since you asked in the title, yes your husband is dodgy, and yes you are being a twit for allowing this behaviour and continuing to sleep with him. LEAVE HIM

(sorry to be harsh, but yikes)

 

[leviosa]

Thank you all. I know you're right, it's just hard, it's been all I've known since 18 and if I'm honest he's not the good man I thought he was. Tonight I'll definitely refuse sex, and that'll be a good starting point at least.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you all. I know you're right, it's just hard, it's been all I've known since 18 and if I'm honest he's not the good man I thought he was. Tonight I'll definitely refuse sex, and that'll be a good starting point at least.

tell him he can sleep on the sofa. Don’t let him in your bed. Don’t let him anywhere near you. It’s making my skin crawl just thinking about him.
you need to seek professional legal advice and can you discuss this with a friend or family member in real life? I feel like you need a real life person to give you a figurative shake! His behaviour is completely unacceptable and actually disgusting and you almost seem sort of brainwashed by him - as if you can’t really see what’s going on here?

 

[Very traditional]

Thank you all. I know you're right, it's just hard, it's been all I've known since 18 and if I'm honest he's not the good man I thought he was. Tonight I'll definitely refuse sex, and that'll be a good starting point at least.

My heart breaks for you, the way he's treating you is terrible. I know you are clinging on in the hope things work out and you obviously love him but you can't allow this to happen. If not for yourself you can't let your children think they this is normal behaviour and that this is how you treat people.

Sending you lots of love and strength - and do not let him in that bed, he's made his decision and has to live with the consequences.

 

[leviosa]

tell him he can sleep on the sofa. Don’t let him in your bed. Don’t let him anywhere near you. It’s making my skin crawl just thinking about him.
you need to seek professional legal advice and can you discuss this with a friend or family member in real life? I feel like you need a real life person to give you a figurative shake! His behaviour is completely unacceptable and actually disgusting and you almost seem sort of brainwashed by him - as if you can’t really see what’s going on here?

I really like how strong you are!! Thank you for all your advice.

I guess over the years just been chipped away at and left with no sense of identity or value. Rationally I know this is the best thing he could've ever done to me but it's just going to take time for my mind to catch up with that part. The only thing I know is that I'm a decent, kind, good person and I won't let him take that from me too by ranting and raving because then he could go around still pretending he's perfect.

 

[Raininvain]

I'd just get the locks changed or just put the chain on and leave a bag of his stuff on the step. Let him go to his girlfriends or his parents etc. Revolting creature he is. Just grow a pair and get rid of him, your self esteem is going to be in the gutter if you just let him sleep with you when he wants.

 

[katyazamo]

I totally understand that it's difficult when it's all you've known. I wasn't married but in a long-term relationship that had a lot of shady behaviour before the actual breakup - we agreed to continue living together as I'd have struggled financially so I thought it made sense. Realistically though, I thought continuing to live together would make him change his mind and realise he made a mistake.

It didn't. He started laying the groundwork for a new relationship the day after we broke up (although it was already well underway via texts etc). After three months, I moved out because I couldn't bear seeing him continue to act as though nothing happened. The day I moved out was the anniversary of his new relationship, so go figure.

I know it's all still raw and you can only move on when you're ready, but I agree with the others who have recommended you get legal advice. You need to have some control over the situation because it's all being driven by him at the moment, so now is the time to at least be practical with the situation. He's already caused enough upset. Don't let him hold all the cards. He'll pull the rug from under your feet and you need to protect yourself. You simply can't continue being around him. He's doing it because he doesn't want you to move on, even though he's doing exactly that.

 

[leviosa]

I totally understand that it's difficult when it's all you've known. I wasn't married but in a long-term relationship that had a lot of shady behaviour before the actual breakup - we agreed to continue living together as I'd have struggled financially so I thought it made sense. Realistically though, I thought continuing to live together would make him change his mind and realise he made a mistake.

It didn't. He started laying the groundwork for a new relationship the day after we broke up (although it was already well underway via texts etc). After three months, I moved out because I couldn't bear seeing him continue to act as though nothing happened. The day I moved out was the anniversary of his new relationship, so go figure.

I know it's all still raw and you can only move on when you're ready, but I agree with the others who have recommended you get legal advice. You need to have some control over the situation because it's all being driven by him at the moment, so now is the time to at least be practical with the situation. He's already caused enough upset. Don't let him hold all the cards. He'll pull the rug from under your feet and you need to protect yourself. You simply can't continue being around him. He's doing it because he doesn't want you to move on, even though he's doing exactly that.

Thank you for all of this but BIB in particular seems so true. He seems to be surprised when I don't react to the new news he keeps giving like meeting this woman etc. He's got what he wants to why want me to be miserable??

 

[judgejohndeed]

He seems to be surprised when I don't react to the new news he keeps giving like meeting this woman etc. He's got what he wants to why want me to be miserable??

I’m sorry but he sounds like a real toad of a man and you categorically don’t deserve to be treated like this. Is he having some kind of midlife crisis? He wants you to be jealous of someone else whilst he’s still sleeping with you…extremely strange and immature behaviour. Personally I would change the locks and let him pay to go to court to enforce his occupancy rights or better still, he won’t bother and just won’t come back. I hope you have people around you for support.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Thank you for all of this but BIB in particular seems so true. He seems to be surprised when I don't react to the new news he keeps giving like meeting this woman etc. He's got what he wants to why want me to be miserable??

It’s a form of control. It very much sounds like he’s a very controlling man. I don’t want to presume to know your relationship but I’m going to guess that he has for a long time dictated to you how things are going to go and that you’ve gone along with whatever it is he is telling you. This is a form of domestic abuse. He’s being utterly disgusting to you. you need to take some of the power back here and get some control back over your own body and your own mind. Don’t let him back in the house. Seriously. Just get the locks changed while he’s out, leave a bag of his bits on the drive/step and if he attempts to break in or if he threatens you in anyway you call the police.


can you seek real life support from someone?

 

[Lulu Goss]

You said you didn’t react when he told you - good, don’t let him get that sort of reaction out of you. The reaction I would give though is to have his bags packed on the door step with the locks changed when he gets home.

Let him go and stay somewhere else and have to explain to people what he’s done. He’s not bothered at the moment because he’s being selfish, getting what he wants from you and planning his exciting little meet up with another woman. He needs a reality check and you deserve so much better.

Take control and don’t let him have the upper hand anymore. He doesn’t get to come back in the house (let alone your bed!) and pretend nothings happened. You won’t be able to move forward while all this is going on so get rid ASAP and focus on yourself x

 

[Boutros-Boutros Ghali]

Please be strong as hard as it is. Ask him to leave. In fact as someone says get the locks changed while he’s out meeting the new woman and leave him a bag on the doorstep. Get some legal advice. Do you have someone close to you who can help you with this as I know how hard it can be to let go and take a step back. He needs to go to a hotel and give you some space. What he’s doing is controlling and it’s unfair.