Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

[leviosa]

Had had a good day. Had stolen his chair to sit in for a few hours - the one where you can actually see the TV without the glare on it. Had gone and had a long relaxing bath ( normally shower because he likes long baths) then got tonight cos he overstepped with the other woman in regards to the house and I've asked him to respect me enough so they keep their distance - even whilst phone - whilst I still have to have him living here. Sick of letting him see that he can still hurt me. That was really bloody stupid. He just seems to find new ways to hurt me. It's so frustrating.

Never mind. New week tomorrow, new starts.

(I am now keeping this partially as diary like so I can see how far I've come from the beginning as it goes through - hope that's OK for everyone)

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

I’m just gonna put this out there. I’ve been with my partner ten years and I always think this;
You can’t expect your partner not to have any secrets from you. Your partner will fancy other people. Your partner will flirt with other people. Your partner will even if it’s just once think about sleeping with someone else. They may also become friendly with someone from the opposite sex. Texting etc...Sometimes we expect our other halves to be our confidante, our lover, our best friend, our companion, our provider, and the strong one who is also emotional when it suits. My point is, one person will never be able to provide everything we/they need. That’s why we have various friends because each give us something another person doesn’t. Your husband may not be cheating, he might just be having conversations with her that he feels he can’t have with you ?

That’s true and if he’s not cheating fair play.

However it’s not acceptable to break a marital vow and also to betray someone’s trust and destroy their self confidence in the process. If you’re in a relationship where you choose to have your needs met but you sacrifice the other persons needs in the process you’re a shady cunt.

 

[PineappleQueen19]

Omfg I want to punch this dickhead right in the chops and then get leviosa and all the wise tattlers on this thread round mine for G&Ts and to hammer out a plan. Other drinks available

 

[Blue_sky]

I am going through the exact same thing, my husband admitted he had been cheating on me with a friend of ours for a number of months a few days ago. We haven’t even made it to our second anniversary.... I am heartbroken by the betrayal and the way he has been treating me. Feeling robbed of the chance to work on our marriage I offered him an olive branch to try - he didn’t take it so in my heart I know we are done - and maybe that is for the best.
Reading the posts on this thread I know I should always follow my gut - I knew he was cheating but I didn’t want to believe it because I love him and I thought he was better than that.

 

[Yasminecamilla]

Hiya, I feel like I’ve invaded a party I wasn’t invited to writing this I’m an “instagrammer” who’s been slagged off a few times (mostly for eating cake ) and come and check this site every now and again to see if I’ve made it...I joke.

Anyway, I felt absolutely compelled to write here and offer for the OP to get in touch for a chat.

I’m super open on my Instagram and will always be, my ex cheated, I found out by checking his phone. We have two kids. I took him back, it is possible, but he did it again and again and again.

in the end it made me really mentally unwell and I try and help as many women as I can by being open about it. It’s not you, don’t feel shame, try to talk calmly, maybe consider therapy, find out what he wants to do.

But most of all remember, you are worth more than the way he has made you feel - and you can absolutely 100% do this on your own. Im happy to chat on the phone if you can safely xxxx

 

[Phil McCrackin]

I’m just gonna put this out there. I’ve been with my partner ten years and I always think this;
You can’t expect your partner not to have any secrets from you. Your partner will fancy other people. Your partner will flirt with other people. Your partner will even if it’s just once think about sleeping with someone else. They may also become friendly with someone from the opposite sex. Texting etc...Sometimes we expect our other halves to be our confidante, our lover, our best friend, our companion, our provider, and the strong one who is also emotional when it suits. My point is, one person will never be able to provide everything we/they need. That’s why we have various friends because each give us something another person doesn’t. Your husband may not be cheating, he might just be having conversations with her that he feels he can’t have with you ?

 

[leviosa]

The children know all about everything, including new woman. They just don't see anything wrong in any of it, he's always told them it's all my fault and they're stuck in that. Talked to my family today which was really good to just get out.

I think I'm pretty stuck. Can't throw him out because it's a joint housing association tenancy and he'd call the police on me. Cannot report him for abuse because I know for SURE he will make sure the kids never talk to me again. I know that and I'm not prepared to lose them. Don't want to leave my own house - he's already taken everything else but I won't willingly give this up. My family agree this is the best way to get a peaceful resolution and I just don't want one long, endless battle - that's not me.

It's fine. I am going to work on inner strength and so every day he forces himself to still stay here he'll watch me get stronger and less needy. I'm going to go out and have a life, maybe go back to college or yoga classes and just try and get it in my head he's an annoying housemate until the new woman is ready to put him up. Him acting like this has really shown me who he truly is and I need to put myself first from now on.

I really really REALLY appreciate the time people have taken and I honestly have read it all with real gratitude that people out there are so caring and can see him for what he is. Thank you so much.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

The children know all about everything, including new woman. They just don't see anything wrong in any of it, he's always told them it's all my fault and they're stuck in that. Talked to my family today which was really good to just get out.

I think I'm pretty stuck. Can't throw him out because it's a joint housing association tenancy and he'd call the police on me. Cannot report him for abuse because I know for SURE he will make sure the kids never talk to me again. I know that and I'm not prepared to lose them. Don't want to leave my own house - he's already taken everything else but I won't willingly give this up. My family agree this is the best way to get a peaceful resolution and I just don't want one long, endless battle - that's not me.

It's fine. I am going to work on inner strength and so every day he forces himself to still stay here he'll watch me get stronger and less needy. I'm going to go out and have a life, maybe go back to college or yoga classes and just try and get it in my head he's an annoying housemate until the new woman is ready to put him up. Him acting like this has really shown me who he truly is and I need to put myself first from now on.

I really really REALLY appreciate the time people have taken and I honestly have read it all with real gratitude that people out there are so caring and can see him for what he is. Thank you so much.

I’m disgusted not only at him but at your children, im sorry but they are all old enough to know better.

the only thing I’m going to add is this: please, under no circumstances let him in your bed or anywhere near you physically. Please. He can sleep on the sofa, he can sleep on the floor somewhere but get him out of your bedroom. get yourself a separate bank account, and only talk to him if absolutely essential. And please - please - seek proper advice from a domestic abuse charity.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Have been lurking but I would definitely tell him you’ll file for divorce under the ground of adultery, even smile sweetly and say it’ll go through quicker than the 2 year wait for unreasonable behaviour. This doesn’t actually affect the financial settlement at all but funnily enough most people don’t like adultery being listed on the forms when they’re the ones doing it. Please stop sleeping with him etc though, I know it’s difficult but he is just using you at this point. If he earns loads more than you the starting point is generally 50:50 (depends on your circumstances, any children etc so you need legal advice obviously) sounds like an absolute prat and you’re long shot of him tbh.

 

[WilmaHun]

And after saying all this she's now taken the advice atm I don't know anymore

You could just leave the thread if you don't believe what's being said? Her story is quite traumatic, imagine how hurtful it must be for her to have someone doubting her when she's just seeking help....

 

[Alexaj]

I work in a male dominated environment, and this is so far from my experience. I have a chat and a laugh with my colleagues but none of them have ever offered themselves on a plate. I’m an early 30s, slim, not ugly. I think with these things it’s a case of the vibes you give off, my husband says the same when I joke that I’ve never been chatted up. if most of your work colleagues have genuinely done that I think you must be giving off signals, even if it’s subconscious.

I think this is really unfair. Being a woman sometimes it's a fine line in a male environment. You engage in the banter and you're flirting, you ignore and you're humourless. It's almost victim blaming to accuse the poster of giving out "vibes." Even if she was, it's the mens' responsibility to behave themselves, especially if they have wife or kids. She could be offering herself up on a plate but they're still responsible for their own actions!

 

[leviosa]

I never called her a troll but it's weird that now someone did and said about the advice she's now doing it that's all I'm saying

I'm sorry I'm not acting in the way that you deem I should be, but it's just not that simple. I'm trying to begin to take the (VERY) good advice given here because I'm sick of being a sad sack and letting him have all the power. Please understand it was only a week and a half ago he dumped me and I've still had to live with him everyday in the same house, still under his rules. I'm trying to change that.

This isn't a soap opera where you can try and guess the storyline, it's not for anyone's entertainment. This is real life. This is heartbreak. Coming out of a relationship that yes, looking back wasn't that good but I can't just switch off my love and feelings because it's convenient. Trust me, I wish I bloody could.

Nobody is forcing you to come here and read this. I am here for support and I've had some AMAZING support and now am ready to start using the links given. Sorry it's taken a week but this is all very new to me - have been with him since I was 18 years old and I don't think a week is too much to ask to flounder around like a useless jellyfish not knowing what to do. I'm only human, and a bloody weak one at that just now.

 

[Dishthedirt2021]

Just read this whole thread. @leviosa - I’m sending you my love. @Ahahha - you‘re starting shit here, you’re the only one in the entire thread that’s starting shit. Cut it out. Fuck off to another thread

 

[leviosa]

We have officially separated. I haven't stopped crying yet. This is my worst nightmare.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Lol. As much as I love HP I really don't thnk she's a baddie. I think she's a mess. I mean hell, he told me he's been speaking to her for 3 weeks and already she's paranoid he'll stop talking to her. He was just on the phone to her in my house, she didn't come here. Sorry for making it sound worse, I didn't mean to! But even so - if he insists on living here for a couple of years the least he can do is respect the very few things I've asked of him.

My family are a bit of a weird bunch. Their lives tend to consist of drinking and slagging each other off secretly so there really isn't much support to be had there. My brother is being nice, his wife is a sweetie. My sister lives in Canada so we have each other virtually but I do wish she was nearer. Plus I haven't talked to them much in a few years so it's probably very weird for them. K has banned them from the house absolutely so there's that too.

You cannot seriously think you can live like this with him in this situation for YEARS??? No. This is outrageous.

you need to seek proper legal advice. Stop listening to what he says - what he wants. Fuck that.

im really trying to be gentle here but you need to stop - this man has cheated on you, is having an affair, is mentally abusing you and holding you to ransom. None of this is ok - none of this is normal or fine and you do not and SHOULD NOT be even contemplating putting up with any of this crap at all - let alone allowing this frankly bizzare set up to go on for years to come.

come on. Snap out of it.

contact the police, citizens advice and Refuge. Find out what you need to do to have him removed from the family home and what you need to do to get a job molestation order in place and divorce proceedings started.

 

[GreySkies82]

hi I have been reading your thread and wanted to create an account to give you my story
january this year i broke with my husband after 3 years of cheating which he still denies to this day. he would regularly hide his phone from me and make up weird stories about work and why he has to be out late.
he wasnt man enough to leave ME (I wonder what he kept telling his side piece) but i got the courage to leave him in january after i saw he was messaging her on nye asking to stay with her (i never looked at his phone but needed enough evidence to leave)
he still tried to pretend he was doing that as she was a mate and he was needing space to work on our marriage

it hasnt been easy, been so hard, but i am starting to feel so much happier. i dont have the weight of him anymore. in my opionion, if you catch him cheating or lying or hiding then the relatiosnip is already over you just need to pull the plaster off (if you want to of course you could work on it if he actually wants to with you)
and an update on him hes still staying with his parents and "regrets" it all. oh well, i am now happier without.

 

[Bgr101]

If anyone doesnt believe the situation just leave the thread i think. I know its tattle but positive vibes only here . I think OP has enough on her plate without strangers online jumping into.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I know it's painful but the best chance of getting him back if that's what you want is to chuck him out ironically.

Right now he has no respect for you, he doesn't have to miss you because you're still in bed next to him, he hasn't seen what life is like without you and the children so he isn't missing that. If you let this go on, he absolutely will leave... Probably only when he has his foot securely in a new relationship

If you truly want him back, chuck him out, act indifferent, get yourself a glow up, start posting on social media about all the exciting things you're doing as a family without him.

He will start to see what he's thrown away, he will see the grass isn't greener and he will come back with his tail between his legs begging you and by now you will be running the show and can lay down the law that he will need to respect if he wants another chance...

Why on god green Earth would she want this disgusting pig of a man back?!

 

[OhMyGaad]

He has finally agreed to move out. He's taking the kids. They want to live with him.

Let them go. They will soon realise they are in the wrong.

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

Child of a toxic and abusive parent here.

I grew up pandering to my father and was always seen as a Daddy’s girl because I was so hell bent on keeping him happy and calm that I would never stand up to him or pretend that our relationship was anything other than loving.

My mum finally left him last year after 30-odd years together as the abuse had gone beyond all realms of normal and had escalated significantly because of the lockdown. My siblings and I are all in our 30s and each of us sighed with relief that the relationship was finally over and we could all stop pretending he wasn’t a sly, abusive, vindictive cunt.

My mum was convinced we’d all take his side and that she’d lose us all and if anything it’s strengthened our relationship and made the situation far more peaceful for everyone involved.

Your children aren’t stupid or blind and have probably spent most of their lives trying to keep the status quo and keep him on side because it makes their lives easier to cope with and will stop them becoming anxious. You leaving that shithead could be the bloody making of your relationship with them rather than the end of it.

I wish my mum had left my dad 20 years ago before things got as bad as they did, because I now have my whole life as a people-pleasing, anxious, hyper-aware adult to try and unpick.

Try not to get bogged down in worst case scenarios as the majority of times they’ll never be realised and if you think how badly manipulated and abused you’re being you won’t be the only one he’s doing it to.