Am I just being a twat or is my husband being dodgy?

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NoseyNiamh

VIP Member
leviosa said:
This is a horrible vicious nasty circle. I don't know what else to say. I've been honest about my breakdown, depression, being awful to live with. I can't change any of that now. But nobody deserves this. If anybody wants to know anything I've said to ask - I'm not here to skew it one way or put one side across. I'll be completely 100% honest.

I promise I am listening but the thought of the kids going too just sent me into panic so I backed down. And he wins. Now I could just about handle him leaving, although it'd suck. But not my children too.
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OK, back up there, you don't want him to leave???

Do you think he has been abusive to you and he has committed some crimes? If he decided to leave the new woman and come back to you and try and make things work, would you like that?
 
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Penguinandthepinecone

Member
@leviosa I’m curious about your job (and lack of faith in yourself/ability to support yourself away from your ‘husband’). Do you you work full time? If so do you earn more or less than him? I get the impression that he’s not even providing a great life for you (no mortgage etc) but you seem to think this is as good as it might get? You seem to have evaded any questions regarding money, savings accounts, whether dad treats the children lots etc. But it would help us to understand the circumstances better and why this guy has such a hold over you….and why on Earth he’s managed to hook in his next victim.
 
Mr Daydream

Mr Daydream

Active member
How old are your kids again? What is the legal age that a child can decide to live with their dad because I assume mum would get custody
 
Moe

Moe

VIP Member
NoseyNiamh said:
I think we just need to support her in her current situation. She his not ready to leave or to start the process of removing him from the house.
We have to remember it was only a few days ago that she questioned herself about how dodgy he was being with his phone and now its escalated to him being one of the worst men ever.
She has to come to terms with all this in her own time. I have no doubt that she will eventually leave but at the minute we just have to support her current situation.

Sorry I didn't quote your name but my phone screen is broken and I find it hard to scroll back and check information.
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No look back at the first post it was a year ago.
 
Apple In My Pie

Apple In My Pie

VIP Member
In the nicest possible way though at 15 and 18 your kids won’t appreciate the nose wiping, the kissing scraped knees better, the cuddles etc BECAUSE you’re such a loving mother so they just take those for granted. I’m not sure if I’m explaining that in the best way but if this man has been abusing and manipulating you for however many years it doesn’t mean the kids haven’t picked up on it either. I’d put money on them choosing to go with him out of fear rather than because they think you’re a bad mum or because they want to hurt you - sort of keeping dad happy, keeping the status quo, perhaps even thinking ‘shit, if I don’t do this dad won’t love/bother with me so if he says jump I need to say how high’. I know I have done/thought this in my own life W/RT my father.

The thing is that by staying quiet nothing will change and I am NOT in any way blaming you for it. But the kids, you, him, need that shock to the status quo for things to change. I guarantee that if you got out, washed your hands of all of them and started to slowly build a new life the kids would come back with their tails between their legs. It sounds like daddy’s feeding them the Disney story… ‘oh yeah we’ll have icecream for breakfast and your own pony and a Nintendo each if you come and live with me’. As soon as that stops they’ll be back. I don’t think you have anything to lose by making that first step even if it is really, really bloody hard to do so.

I have been reading on and off. I hope you find the strength to kick him to the kerb and carry on. It’s hard but I’m sure you can find somewhat of a support network here on tattle as well as more specialist places - look at how long this thread has gone on for. Good luck x
 
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NoseyNiamh

VIP Member
leviosa said:
Of course I love him. I'm a dick. Or maybe I just loved who I thought he was. Don't even know the difference anymore. It feels like my whole life has been stolen and I don't know what to do. Two weeks ago we were talking about all the countries in Europe we wanted to visit together. Everything's changed so much in such a short space of time. I'm sorry that my messages might be garbled at times or that I change from one minute to the next but you're all getting everything as I go through it.
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Well if things were OK two weeks ago and you were making plans for travelling I don't think you should say your life was a waste or stolen.
You do love him, you have kids together, that doesn't seem like a waste to me or its been stolen , there is people out there that has neither (me included). If you don't want to lose your life, just stay.
If you do want to leave, just remember that your journey is just taking a different route now. Your kids are still your kids, you're just dropping a man.

I do think I have to re read the thread though as I thought things did get worse over the last week but others have said it's been kicking off the last 15 months. It's confusing.
I'm invested now so I will bring myself up to speed.
 
A

Ahahha

Chatty Member
Dishthedirt2021 said:
Just read this whole thread. @leviosa - I’m sending you my love. @Ahahha - you‘re starting shit here, you’re the only one in the entire thread that’s starting shit. Cut it out. Fuck off to another thread
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How because I said what others was scared to say she was going on and on about needing advice she was giving advice and then someone called her a troll not me and said I quote she will start using the advice because we now all think she's troll and lo behold before I said anything they was all getting bored of it if you read the thread it started a year ago and now we are here and she keeps changing about the kids not believing her to the oldest nèbrr liked the dad to he's now moving out and taken all 3 kids okay then also thought 1 never lived there but okay
 
BettyCrockerr

BettyCrockerr

VIP Member
leviosa said:
I am flawed, of course I am. Like I said in the years of depression and PTSD I know it hasn't been easy for any of them but I've been entirely open in everything that has happened.

My eldest does listen to his dad, it's just that I think we've all been stuck in a loop of seeking his approval for a long time. I promise you there's nothing fishy. I'm just in a place of heartbreak, feeling lost, haven't yet got my own identity and wondering what to do.

I'm sorry that you don't feel listened to but please PLEASE believe me when I've said that every single message, every single thought has been so valued and I appreciate all the time you've all taken. You can't even believe how much it's given me back in just a week.

I know the situation started a year ago but him saying he didn't even want to be with me was only a week and a half ago. For years I've been blinkered and now am trying so so hard to be the strong woman I know is under there somewhere. To not feel like I need him and to realise I can be strong.

Please try and understand that after 23 years of living a certain way it's really bloody tough to firstly realise that he's not who I thought he was, to stop falling into the same patterns, to change my whole outlook, to be a different person. I see now for years and years what he's been doing but just because I see it doesn't mean I can suddenly change who I am and escape it, especially when he won't move out. I'm just mentally in such a bad place and was so grateful to have you all to turn to, I really do mean that. And appreciate it more than you can all know.
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You need to take the steps mentioned above in this thread and get him out of your home. This isn’t about him not wanting to leave and you
just going along with that; you can get him out - you have been given all the information needed and you can make a start on this right now this afternoon.
 
Lovethesun

Lovethesun

Chatty Member
Whaaaaat said:
Like I say I disagree. I don’t think most men cheat on their wives. Some men cheat, some women cheat.

I would be willing to bet my life on the fact my husband hasn’t cheated on me. We’re happy, we have a lovely life - lovely son, lovely home, lovely dog - and we built that together.

We’ve been together a long time and I’ve never felt the need to look through his phone or question him on anything because he’s never given me a reason to doubt him.

So by your logic he must be the worlds greatest liar. And with how bad he is when I ask what he’s given our son for his lunch, and him telling me something nice and healthy when really I know they’ll have had a McDonald’s, I’m not convinced he’s that great at it 🤣
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Your one of the lucky ones then 😁. The only man I trust in this world is my dad . Him & my mum have been happily married for 45 years and as far as I’m aware , problem free . Think it’s this generation that’s more untrustworthy & yes women cheat too . I’m just been a negative Nancy today 🙈. And not met my Prince Charming if there’s any out there !
 
BettyCrockerr

BettyCrockerr

VIP Member
NoseyNiamh said:
Are you able to pay rent on a 4 bed house yourself. In Ireland the rent for that kind of property is about 2k a month.
Do you need such a huge house. You have no mortgage, so nothing is holding you there. Downsize, get a two bedroom place so either one of the kids can stay when they want.
I know you are hurting but I think you need to start thinking practically.


It's a hard process. My father was physically abusive constantly and was arrested many times but allowed to return to the property as he was a joint owner. My mother had to jump through hoops before she eventually got a barring order. My mother definitely wouldnt have been discussing being his forever friend and going travelling a couple of weeks before he was removed.
I don't know if the posters case is strong enough to actually have him removed due yo abusive behaviour . I think she needs to make her own plans
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How long ago was the situation with your parents?

things have changed a hell of a lot even in the last 10 years or so.
 
leviosa

leviosa

Well-known member
BettyCrockerr said:
I agree. I’m struggling now because I feel like its just going round in circles and none of it seems to be getting listened to and we are only getting half the story. I’m not sure what else to say
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This is a horrible vicious nasty circle. I don't know what else to say. I've been honest about my breakdown, depression, being awful to live with. I can't change any of that now. But nobody deserves this. If anybody wants to know anything I've said to ask - I'm not here to skew it one way or put one side across. I'll be completely 100% honest.

I promise I am listening but the thought of the kids going too just sent me into panic so I backed down. And he wins. Now I could just about handle him leaving, although it'd suck. But not my children too.