Does he recognise that he is an alcoholic? Does he accept that he needs help? Does he know how you feel and how close you are to leaving?
New to Tattle Life? Click "Order Thread by Most Liked Posts" button below to get an idea of what the site is about:
He does accept there’s a problem but I honestly think he still believes he can do it on his own, and he can’t. Or he isn’t doing.
not sure he comprehends that I might leave. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum because it wouldn’t help anyone, I’m just getting on with it for now, but I might not always, but we are happy and I’d miss him so much.
not sure he comprehends that I might leave. I don’t want to issue an ultimatum because it wouldn’t help anyone, I’m just getting on with it for now, but I might not always, but we are happy and I’d miss him so much.
My partner drinks too much and is also functioning. He doesn’t drink everyday, although he was close to it during lockdown. What worries me is that he feels the need to drink the second something stresses him out or his routine changes.
He also binges. So he might have nothing all week but then get blackout drunk on Friday night and spend all Saturday moaning about his hangover before the cycle starts again a few days later.
like you, I find most of the support online is geared towards partners who are abusive and mine isn’t. he also has a good job and income so doesn’t fit the stereotype. I know how exhausting it is. I’ve started removing myself from the situation by going to bed early if he’s drinking because I’m so sensitive to any sign of him being drunk and it makes me feel prickly and on edge. And if he does say something I have to remind myself it’s the alcohol talking, not him.
a lot of the advice is to leave but it’s not that simple for me. I don’t want to leave. It’s the drinking I have a problem with, not him. I feel like I am waiting for him to realise he needs to change. He just doesn’t think he needs to change because it’s only been a few years he’s been drinking like this, not for 10/20/30+ years like others. It’s hard. You have to look after yourself.
You Are right to never issue an ultimatum to an alcoholic. In my experience, they will always a) choose alcohol or b) try and bargain another option which will then lead them to continuing to drink anyway. Unfortunately until he is ready to admit he needs help with his problem there is little to be done. You can offer him continued support and love, remind him of all he has that is good, and hopefully he gets there soon x
Sorry, I know you were replying to someone else but I think for me the hardest thing is knowing there’s literally nothing I can do until he’s ready to stop. He admits he doesn’t want to stop. I find that really hurtful because it makes it seem like me and our son aren’t enough, but playing to his emotions doesn’t work.
what makes someone want to stop? Do they just wake up and decide enough is enough, or is there some big terrible event that needs to happen? I have scoured the internet trying to find this answer.
Hangovers don’t deter him. He works from home so doesn’t have to drive. I think he honestly believes I am being unreasonable by being fed up with his drinking.
edited to add: Sometimes I even question if I am being unreasonable. He’s not physically or emotionally abusive, he still has a job and is financially stable, he’s a good dad and husband. I know that so many people are in worse situations than me. But I didn’t grow up in a family that couldn’t control their alcohol intake. I don’t want that for our son or for me. But I also want to stay together.. just want him to stop using alcohol as a crutch.
Last edited:
It is incredibly hard when they just straight up don’t want to stop, when they have no interest in that, despite begging, despite seeing what it’s doing to others. I have no experience of having a partner as an alcoholic, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, especially with children involved. Honestly, I don’t know what makes them want to stop. I have never yet worked that out, when the switch flicks, and why it’s not enough that they are destroying their family. I don’t have any answers for you, unfortunately
But I do know how worrying, and upsetting, and infuriating it is to just simply have to wait and I’m so sorry you’re going through it.Thank you for this.It is incredibly hard when they just straight up don’t want to stop, when they have no interest in that, despite begging, despite seeing what it’s doing to others. I have no experience of having a partner as an alcoholic, and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, especially with children involved. Honestly, I don’t know what makes them want to stop. I have never yet worked that out, when the switch flicks, and why it’s not enough that they are destroying their family. I don’t have any answers for you, unfortunately
Alcohol addiction is an illness; he can’t stop now because he is unwell. He needs intervention to support him in stopping drinking. You can say whatever you want to an addict to try to get them to stop but it won’t have any impact on them until they themselves want to stop. You can’t control it or him, the only thing you have control over is yourself and how you life your life. You either accept that if you stay with him, then you are accepting that he is an alcoholic and that his drinking is going to be a constant issue or you make the decision to walk away and life your life free from the shackles of being in a relationship with an addict.
What I think is he wants to stop the “bad” bits but the thought of being sober forever is what holds him back. It’s like scales I suppose, it has to tip to “not this” more than “not that”? Same for me I guess.
I would not win an ultimatum and it wouldn’t help either of us. I’d rather we were apart and he sorted himself out than stay and him do it “for me” because I’d always be waiting for it to go wrong and he would probably resent me.
I think the binge drinkers are harder (had a couple of them!) if I was honest aboutwhat’s happening nobody would blame me for leaving but when they are “fine” Monday-Friday it’s more difficult to explain. Worse to live with though, and those of you who have kids with your drinker, it must be awful (he doesn’t have a lot of contact with mine and his are older).
al anon does feel like a place for people in a “worse” situation, they couldn’t understand my situation at all.
I would not win an ultimatum and it wouldn’t help either of us. I’d rather we were apart and he sorted himself out than stay and him do it “for me” because I’d always be waiting for it to go wrong and he would probably resent me.
I think the binge drinkers are harder (had a couple of them!) if I was honest aboutwhat’s happening nobody would blame me for leaving but when they are “fine” Monday-Friday it’s more difficult to explain. Worse to live with though, and those of you who have kids with your drinker, it must be awful (he doesn’t have a lot of contact with mine and his are older).
al anon does feel like a place for people in a “worse” situation, they couldn’t understand my situation at all.
Hi everyone, hope everyone is doing well. This is a hard time of year with alcohol expected at gatherings, so thinking of everyone as we head in to the holiday season 
My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.
In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.
In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.
He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.
He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.
When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.
The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.
After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.
Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace
In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.
In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.
He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.
He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.
When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.
The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.
After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.
Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry about the loss of you dad, and the miserable years he had prior to his passing. You sound like a truly amazing person to channel all of what has happened in to a positive, best of luck in your future career.My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.
In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.
In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.
He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.
He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.
When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.
The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.
After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.
Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace
Oh my goodness, your post has made me tear up. You've been through so much, what an awful time for youMy dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.
In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.
In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.
He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.
He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.
When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.
The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.
After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.
Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace
I think its amazing how you are still able to remember him as your Dad. I haven't been through anything like that, but my person definitely caused me so much pain and there was a time when I wished she would die and didn't think I would miss her at all.
The career path you are taking is fantastic, what a lovely way yo try and help people who are battling this.
X
Thanks for your post and it’s really amazing that you want to go on and help others dealing with the same disease.My dad was my person. He was always a drinker and was told before I was born that he needed to cut down. After he and my mum split up it got worse, he met another woman who was also a drinker and had my brother, they split when my brother was one and there was no stopping him.
In October 2013 he started vomiting and passing huge amounts of blood and was in hospital a few times due to this, he abstained during this time but fell off the wagon in October 2014.
In December 2014 he had to have a shunt fitted which bypassed the liver due to severe cirrhosis and now his bloodstream would filter any toxins - he was warned at this stage 1 more drink would kill him.
He stayed sober for around 3-4 months, although he had no more episodes of bleeding, he had a stroke in December 2015 - 6 years ago today. He was in hospital for 12 weeks as he had post stroke epilepsy and they couldn't stop the seizures. We had a meeting and they explained that he needed end of life care and that we needed to start looking for a nursing home for him - 2 days later he started to perk up and he was home within 2 weeks. Whilst he had right arm weakness and confusion, he was doing well.
He started drinking again in July 2016 and in February 2018 we were told he had stage 4 Oesophageal Cancer which had spread to his Lungs and Lymph Nodes. He died in April 2018.
When he started drinking again following his stroke, I had to take a step back for my own mental health. I knew at this point if a stroke wouldn't stop him nothing would. I would see him early on in the day but I wouldn't ring after 5pm because at that point I knew he would be too drunk to talk to me properly and it upset me.
I went for breakfast in July 2017 with him and I vividly remember him telling me his food wouldn't go down but I didn't think anything of it. Little did I know that this is one of the signs of oesophageal cancer, along with acid reflux which he also had - again didn't think anything of it because he drank so much... I will always wonder if had I have been around more if I would have noticed anything and we could have found the cancers in time, I will never forgive myself for that.
The only positive in my dad's passing is that he is no longer in mental or physical pain, which I am thankful for everyday no matter how much I miss him.
After my dad died I enrolled in college to do an access course, I am now a student nurse and when I qualify I want to train to be an alcohol liaison nurse. If I can help just one person or family then I know my dad's life wasnt taken in vain.
Reading these posts breaks my heart, seeing just a tiny portion of how many people are affected by alcoholism is devastating and I truly hope each and everyone of you can find peace
Just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about recognising the signs of cancer, it’s so hard to help anyone and recognise what is alcohol and what is cancer and quite honestly the alcohol I’m sure led to the issue, I have lost two people close to me, my uncle and mum from similar cancers (mouth and throat) and was told by the hospital that the alcohol was very likely the cause of it. My mum’s was treatable but because she wouldn’t stop drinking she couldn’t be treated properly and died at 44. You did everything you could, you can only help those who want to be helped and sometimes it has to be from a distance
How is your husband doing now? I'm glad he finally got himself some help.
Sorry for anyone who is going through this with a loved one.
Thank you
I see it all around me and and I just want to help, it ruins lives and I honestly believe it should be criminalised, but that's a discussion for another day.Thank youOh my goodness, your post has made me tear up. You've been through so much, what an awful time for you
I think its amazing how you are still able to remember him as your Dad. I haven't been through anything like that, but my person definitely caused me so much pain and there was a time when I wished she would die and didn't think I would miss her at all.
The career path you are taking is fantastic, what a lovely way yo try and help people who are battling this.
X
I can't lie, he wasn't always there when I grew up but I always knew how much he loved me and if I needed him he was there. As I got older I was able to spend time with him away from his drinking which we both treasured.I'm sorry your person has caused you so much pain, I hope things are (or can get) better and you can have some peace in your life
Thank youThanks for your post and it’s really amazing that you want to go on and help others dealing with the same disease.
Just wanted to say that you shouldn’t be hard on yourself about recognising the signs of cancer, it’s so hard to help anyone and recognise what is alcohol and what is cancer and quite honestly the alcohol I’m sure led to the issue, I have lost two people close to me, my uncle and mum from similar cancers (mouth and throat) and was told by the hospital that the alcohol was very likely the cause of it. My mum’s was treatable but because she wouldn’t stop drinking she couldn’t be treated properly and died at 44. You did everything you could, you can only help those who want to be helped and sometimes it has to be from a distance
I just want to turn my dad's suffering into something positive and where I live there is a huge demand for it, unfortunately Thank you for your kind words of reassurance, at the time I didn't even know oesophageal cancer was a thing and now it feels like it flipped my world upside down. The doctors said that the type of cancer he had is caused by alcohol and even if it wasn't so advanced they wouldn't be able to treat it because of the condition of his liver.
I'm sorry for your losses, I hope you now have some peace and comfort that they are no longer in pain
Last edited:
Thinking of everyone on this thread. It breaks my heart reading every story and I know how hard this time of year can be without our loved ones. Sending lots of love 🤍🤍🤍
Hi, thank you for asking, he is out of rehab and back home. You do not get a magical pill in rehab and come back all cured,(I wish) but he is working hard at recovery and doing his 90 meetings in 90 days. I woke him up at 1 in the morning very anxious asking him to give me some assurance that all will be ok. He couldnt, as he can only do one day at a time. I am hopeful but scared.
All my love to all the rest of you
Delighted to hear he is doing well, as well as he can do anyway.Hi, thank you for asking, he is out of rehab and back home. You do not get a magical pill in rehab and come back all cured,(I wish) but he is working hard at recovery and doing his 90 meetings in 90 days. I woke him up at 1 in the morning very anxious asking him to give me some assurance that all will be ok. He couldnt, as he can only do one day at a time. I am hopeful but scared.
All my love to all the rest of you