Age gaps

[heretoreaditall2019]

need to think carefully about how I broach the subject as I’ve stayed out of the divorce stuff so far out of fear!!

Because you have a child to consider his financial standing is 100% your business - you need to understand how you’re going to fund your child’s childhood and beyond to be able to make informed decisions for yourself (your work, property cos it’ll effect things like what sort of mortgages you’ll be able to access with his predicted retirement date, if you wanted a loan for an extension, etc etc). I don’t mean this nastily but he’s not only going to lose a lot of “wealth” (eg assets whether it’s property, vehicles, pensions) but also possibly income with alimony and child support (albeit youngest has nearly aged out of this?) so you really need to know. It doesn’t mean getting involved in their drama and who said what or who is wrong, you just need to see the numbers for your own financial planning.

Do you have a savvy friend to run this stuff past and to support you through it all? Your dad seems involved from your previous comment, maybe discuss this stuff with him too if you feel comfortable? You defs need to shake off any shame or guilt for asking as it determines the course of your life! And ngl a bloke who’s at the end of his working life about to lose at least half his assets, take on some ongoing financial obligations, has 3 financial dependents, and pay out at least 2 years worth of legal fees isn’t exactly a gold digger’s cup of tea so disregard those comments.

 

[bringingdownthebs]

Because you have a child to consider his financial standing is 100% your business - you need to understand how you’re going to fund your child’s childhood and beyond to be able to make informed decisions for yourself (your work, property cos it’ll effect things like what sort of mortgages you’ll be able to access with his predicted retirement date, if you wanted a loan for an extension, etc etc). I don’t mean this nastily but he’s not only going to lose a lot of “wealth” (eg assets whether it’s property, vehicles, pensions) but also possibly income with alimony and child support (albeit youngest has nearly aged out of this?) so you really need to know. It doesn’t mean getting involved in their drama and who said what or who is wrong, you just need to see the numbers for your own financial planning.

Do you have a savvy friend to run this stuff past and to support you through it all? Your dad seems involved from your previous comment, maybe discuss this stuff with him too if you feel comfortable? You defs need to shake off any shame or guilt for asking as it determines the course of your life! And ngl a bloke who’s at the end of his working life about to lose at least half his assets, take on some ongoing financial obligations, has 3 financial dependents, and pay out at least 2 years worth of legal fees isn’t exactly a gold digger’s cup of tea so disregard those comments.

thank you so much! I’m actually really glad I posted this thread now as I’ve had some really good advice!!
My dad is incredibly money savvy and forward thinking (so much so he retired at 55 and lives a really comfortable life!) so I think I’ll run it past him as he’ll probably have some knowledge and ideas.
Yeah you’ve got a point about him not exactly being a gold digger’s cup of tea it’s the point I try to continuously make when I get criticised! Most of his money is sitting in his house, too, which will obviously get split with his ex wife after it’s sold. But people at work, especially, are like “oh yeah you’ll be fine with his multi million pound house”… which I don’t even live in!!!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

thank you so much! I’m actually really glad I posted this thread now as I’ve had some really good advice!!
My dad is incredibly money savvy and forward thinking (so much so he retired at 55 and lives a really comfortable life!) so I think I’ll run it past him as he’ll probably have some knowledge and ideas.
Yeah you’ve got a point about him not exactly being a gold digger’s cup of tea it’s the point I try to continuously make when I get criticised! Most of his money is sitting in his house, too, which will obviously get split with his ex wife after it’s sold. But people at work, especially, are like “oh yeah you’ll be fine with his multi million pound house”… which I don’t even live in!!!

Omg I’m conscious of just constantly writing you essays here but I genuinely worry as a fellow new mum about what I’m reading?! I’m so sorry but that’s not his property, it’s theirs, and it’ll be divided up however the courts see fit with the potential for ongoing financial obligations to keep the ex spouse and kids in the lifestyle they’ve been accustom to. I get love is blind esp from a financial PoV but he’s now got the most coming out of his income ever & very little time for any savings/investments/properties to appreciate in value so his financial position has changed significantly from whatever people perceive it to be, sadly. This is subjective and probs controversial but as a new mum my biggest concern would be my baby’s transition to adulthood when the time comes and how to make that as equal to the 3 older kids’ who will likely either have already or will be due to receive financial support from their two working parents who have a lifetime of savings and investments etc behind them, whereas your LO is going to have 1 working mummy and a retired daddy when they’re 17/20/30 so how are they going to fund further education or starting a business or buying a house, etc etc. I would want to nail down a plan with husband & solidify that in a will ASAP.

 

[bringingdownthebs]

Omg I’m conscious of just constantly writing you essays here but I genuinely worry as a fellow new mum about what I’m reading?! I’m so sorry but that’s not his property, it’s theirs, and it’ll be divided up however the courts see fit with the potential for ongoing financial obligations to keep the ex spouse and kids in the lifestyle they’ve been accustom to. I get love is blind esp from a financial PoV but he’s now got the most coming out of his income ever & very little time for any savings/investments/properties to appreciate in value so his financial position has changed significantly from whatever people perceive it to be, sadly. This is subjective and probs controversial but as a new mum my biggest concern would be my baby’s transition to adulthood when the time comes and how to make that as equal to the 3 older kids’ who will likely either have already or will be due to receive financial support from their two working parents who have a lifetime of savings and investments etc behind them, whereas your LO is going to have 1 working mummy and a retired daddy when they’re 17/20/30 so how are they going to fund further education or starting a business or buying a house, etc etc. I would want to nail down a plan with husband & solidify that in a will ASAP.

I know - you’re right. Things have happened so quickly I think neither of us have really had much time to figure the future out in terms of finances. Not an excuse by any means but definitely a reason.
I think my divorce was a bit easier to sort and we’ve just split custody of our son we have together, we’ve got an agreement in place with our house etc.
In terms of my youngest - he’s mine and my partner’s little miracle, really, so I think we’re still reeling from that a bit and haven’t really discussed practicalities yet. I was told I couldn’t have any more children, my partner had a vasectomy 15 years ago… so needless to say the pregnancy took us completely by surprise!! Then I had a high risk pregnancy where we nearly lost the baby more times than I even want to think about right now… he was poorly when he was born too. It’s just been a bit of a whirlwind couple of years!!

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

I had a relationship with a man 16 years older than me and it was the best sex I ever had

I think older men know what they are doing! my ex was 21 years older, absolute head but amazing in bed!

 

[Moolo]

8 years. I'm 38 husband is 46, so not much of a difference but I like having a slightly older husband. Past relationships have been my age or younger than me and i found it quite hard work.

Some people are funny about age gap relationship....who cares as long as you are happy

Mine is the same (7 years now as I just turned 39)

Not a large age gap I dont think and never really noticed much of a difference as my friendship group is all ages as well.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I know - you’re right. Things have happened so quickly I think neither of us have really had much time to figure the future out in terms of finances. Not an excuse by any means but definitely a reason.
I think my divorce was a bit easier to sort and we’ve just split custody of our son we have together, we’ve got an agreement in place with our house etc.
In terms of my youngest - he’s mine and my partner’s little miracle, really, so I think we’re still reeling from that a bit and haven’t really discussed practicalities yet. I was told I couldn’t have any more children, my partner had a vasectomy 15 years ago… so needless to say the pregnancy took us completely by surprise!! Then I had a high risk pregnancy where we nearly lost the baby more times than I even want to think about right now… he was poorly when he was born too. It’s just been a bit of a whirlwind couple of years!!

Oh my love, I had a similar miracle baby and high risk pregnancy and it really is like you’re holding your breath for 9 months isn’t it? It took me a year to even decorate her room so I can’t imagine how it must be for you dealing with finances like this. Sorry to go IN like this but it just worries me so much as so many women end up financially disadvantaged through marriage and motherhood. I had similar but different in that my husband was financially supporting quite a few family members when we met just as he’d “done well” which is lovely for them but not good for him growing his long term life, had to get rid of all that and ended up in massive dramas with it all, tbh it was so upsetting at the time it probably would have been a deal breaker had I known about the degree of financial leaching beforehand but you live and learn ey. Sorry to lecture you from afar it’s just as someone who’s been through 3% of this I wouldn’t wish a nasty surprise on anyone! Enjoy those baby cuddles most importantly tho xx

 

[Hopping12]

I’m 6 months older than my other half. We’ve been together since we was 15, but have known each other since we were kids as we lived on the same street as each other.

we’ve been together 15 years this year, now have 2 daughters and I love telling them about how we used to play out on our bikes together as Kids and how he used to do my head in when he used kick the football at window when playing Kirby with his friends lol

 

[Lizzie Mintdrop]

5.5 years, not a big age gap now but it seemed massive when we first met as I was 15 and he was 21. We split up soon after we met but got together again when I was 28 and we've been together for 14 years now. The age gap is hardly anything but he remembers more of the 80s than I do but he's got a better memory than me so he remembers more of the 90s, 00s and 10s too

 

[Opium]

I am 44, my husband is 38, we've been together 20 years!!!

 

[bringingdownthebs]

I think older men know what they are doing! my ex was 21 years older, absolute head but amazing in bed!

yeah I can attest to this! They deffo know what they’re doing!

 

[Rose18778]

I’m 5 and a half years older than my boyfriend (I’m 33, he’s nearly 28), we have been together nearly 5 years now, have a mortgage together, he raises my daughter as his own and we are expecting a baby at Christmas! He was only 23 when we met which seems so young in hindsight but he’s very mature and everything I could want. Definitely have had my fair share of cougar jokes though

 

[ProphecyGirl]

8 years. 28 & 36 - I always seem to go for older men anyway and they got older and older haha!!!!!! Though he acts like he's 21 most of the time. We get along great, he's my best mate and partner rolled into one. I couldn't ever be with someone my own age, they don't grow up as it is!

I’m 6 months older than my other half. We’ve been together since we was 15, but have known each other since we were kids as we lived on the same street as each other.

we’ve been together 15 years this year, now have 2 daughters and I love telling them about how we used to play out on our bikes together as Kids and how he used to do my head in when he used kick the football at window when playing Kirby with his friends lol

My mum is a year older than my dad and also grew up down the same street, he scratched her bike when he was younger and she always tells us the story and I love it, I think it's soo sweet! Good you can have a similar story, it's a lovely one to tell

 

[Tinkerbell cat]

I am 32 and my partner is 29. I can't wait until he turns 30, haha. He definitely is the more mature one that is for sure. I know there isn't much in it though!

My last long term relationship my partner was 14yrs older I think I was like 25 and he was 39! we got on really well at the start but then we wanted diff things.

 

[bringingdownthebs]

Oh my love, I had a similar miracle baby and high risk pregnancy and it really is like you’re holding your breath for 9 months isn’t it? It took me a year to even decorate her room so I can’t imagine how it must be for you dealing with finances like this. Sorry to go IN like this but it just worries me so much as so many women end up financially disadvantaged through marriage and motherhood. I had similar but different in that my husband was financially supporting quite a few family members when we met just as he’d “done well” which is lovely for them but not good for him growing his long term life, had to get rid of all that and ended up in massive dramas with it all, tbh it was so upsetting at the time it probably would have been a deal breaker had I known about the degree of financial leaching beforehand but you live and learn ey. Sorry to lecture you from afar it’s just as someone who’s been through 3% of this I wouldn’t wish a nasty surprise on anyone! Enjoy those baby cuddles most importantly tho xx

Exactly like you spend 9 months holding your breath! It was really stressful too as the reaction from his eldest daughter when we announced we were pregnant was awful, as well, and every time I went into hospital with a problem I kept it really quiet because I felt like she’d be glad if something bad happened. She’s come round a lot now, though, and loves spending time with the baby so I guess time was a healer! Ironically, me catching Covid and ending up in hospital when I was 30 weeks pregnant seemed to bring everyone closer together! It’s been an absolutely crazy 18 months really.
I just dropped the idea of talking about money into conversation after the kids went to bed last night and he said he’d actually been looking at his pensions when he was doing paperwork yesterday… so I feel like that’s a promising start!!

 

[Laughingforlife]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

 

[Megansnarkle]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

I must admit we have a much bigger age gap than you but have never had comments like that. Maybe we're lucky...

 

[Laughingforlife]

I must admit we have a much bigger age gap than you but have never had comments like that. Maybe we're lucky...

I think it's maybe because I started to like him when I was young, so they didn't think I actually loved him.

 

[alwaysdreaming]

Just to bring back this thread.
I'm glad I found it as it is such a touchy subject.
My parents had an 17 year age gap, and it worked perfectly for them and it means that I'm not worrying about my mum disapproving if I fall in love with someone older than me. Which I did. Ten years older.
It's just people's comments that I can't bear. People saying "oh he's too old for you!" or "you don't know what you're getting into!"
it's so hurtful.
and when people say things in general, not directed at me such as "oh what would a X year old see in a X year old?!" As though younger people shouldn't even be acknowledged. Just give them a chance. I've always got on with people older than me rather than people my own age. Always.
it's just putting people down to their age without considering any other factors, and after a while it can get you down.
Don't get me started on "hell die before you. you'll be on your own"
First of all, anyone can die at any age in theory. Also, I'd prefer to have years with someone I love and have those to reflect on once they're gone, rather than not love them at all just because of society.

Sorry. I'll stop now

I totally resonate with your post.
Recently a new mama friend told me that I need to make plans for me and my baby in case something happens. ( referring to my husband dropping off ).

I thought she was so brazen I decided to say well,
“I am married first and have my finances in order. Secondly your partner/bf may end up in a car crash what will you do ? ”
Never ever would I dare say that to someone on a normal day, but I was so offended with what she said as it wasn’t the first time so I decided to use her partners name.
I will tell you something I have a 20 something age year gap and many friends/family have judged.
Most don’t care now. They wish to find love like we have and they don’t even mention our age gap.

As long as you have basic morals I don’t think you should care what other people say. Live your own life and laugh at those comments.
There are couples who are similar age gap and stay together and have no love.

 

[WhittlingIhopMonkey]

6 years between me and DH. We met in the mid 90s through friends. Lived in the UK for a bit but settled back in the South East where I'm from once the time came to start a family.

Speaking of divorces, he had been engaged before we met but luckily for me (and them, I guess!) It didn't work out.