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What do you call a les who doesn't eat meat?
A Vagitarian
A Vagitarian
Why couldn’t Mary and Joseph join their work conference call?
Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
Because there was no Zoom at the inn.
What flavour crisps are a pilot's favourite?
Plain.
Plain.
Why can’t Boris Johnson make his Christmas cake until the last minute?
He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
He doesn’t know how many tiers it should have.
That is brilliant. I've seen it before
She has another one but I can't remember what it is but I think wonky donkey is the best one. Oh I've just remembered the other one is My bum has a crack in it....or something like that
Why do scoober divers fall backwards off a boat?
Well if they fell forwards they'd never get off it...
Well if they fell forwards they'd never get off it...
What did one toilet say to the other?
”You look flushed”.
That is probably one of the worst jokes I’ve heard.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
”You look flushed”.
That is probably one of the worst jokes I’ve heard.
I sold my vacuum cleaner the other day.
All it was doing was collecting dust.
That's a bit like,What did one toilet say to the other?
”You look flushed”.
That is probably one of the worst jokes I’ve heard.
What did one pencil say to the othe pencil?
"You're looking sharp"
What do you call a man from Glasgow who’s lost his dog?
Douglas
———
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
———
Wifey phones 999
"You've got tae help me, ma waters have just broken!"
"Okay, keep calm madam, where are you ringing from?"
"Fae ma fan tae ma ankles!"
Douglas
———
After announcing he was getting married, a boy tells his pal he will be wearing the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a white dress," he replies.
———
Wifey phones 999
"You've got tae help me, ma waters have just broken!"
"Okay, keep calm madam, where are you ringing from?"
"Fae ma fan tae ma ankles!"
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Knock ! Knock !
" Who's there ? "
" It's Grand dad ! "
" Holy crap ! Stop the funeral !! "
" Who's there ? "
" It's Grand dad ! "
" Holy crap ! Stop the funeral !! "
What does the drummer yell when he calls his twin daughters for dinner ?
" Anna One ! Anna Two ! "
" Anna One ! Anna Two ! "
What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
”You‘re too young to smoke”.
I think I was about 7 when I first heard this joke and I’m now in my mid 50’s.
”You‘re too young to smoke”.
I think I was about 7 when I first heard this joke and I’m now in my mid 50’s.
Why did the bag of crisps not get a bus.....
Cos they were Walkers! Boom Boom
My fave joke as a child was:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat a squid in the tank. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
(yes I am Lol'ing still)
Cos they were Walkers! Boom Boom
My fave joke as a child was:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat a squid in the tank. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
(yes I am Lol'ing still
)
What did the Spanish fireman call his twin sons?
Hosé and Hose B
Hosé and Hose B
I love pun jokes.Why did the bag of crisps not get a bus.....
Cos they were Walkers! Boom Boom
My fave joke as a child was:
A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat a squid in the tank. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Yervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Yervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so mild and friendly'. But the customer is insistent, so Yervaise goes over to the tank, pulls out the squid and lays it on the worktop. He raises a knife and is about to chop it up, but he can't. Yervaise goes back to the customer, and says he can't kill it, but the customer still insists that he wants to eat it.
Yervaise has an idea, and says 'OK, I'll go and get Hans, our dishwasher, he's a tough guy, he'll be able to kill it'. He goes and gets Hans, and Hans takes the knife and is about to chop the squid up, when it looks up. Hans sees its mild little face and its hairy lip and he can't kill it either, so they both go and tell the customer that they're really sorry and he can't eat it.
The moral of the story?... ..
Hans that does dishes is as soft as Yervaise with mild green hairy lip squid.
(yes I am Lol'ing still
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An Investigator.
An Investigator.
What's pink and hard?
A pig in a biker jacket
A pig in a biker jacket