Why are there so many single parents?

[Scvee13]

No, no one in particular, I just see it quite often on my social media, a lot of people my age (30) and younger, seem to have a “happy” relationship with the mother/father of their child(ren) and then it seems like 5 minutes have passed and they’ve split up. I know I can never really know what goes on behind closed doors, it just comes across like so many people aren’t really committed to their family.

I think the issue with social media is no one posts the bad stuff. I think to say people aren't committed to their family because they end their relationship is judgemental and it seems to be based on what you see on social media so how do you know they aren't committed? As long as the children are happy and well cared for that's all that matters to me. Have you saw children affected by their parents being in a relationship that isn't working but not walking away from each other because of their children? My cousin stayed with an abusive partner for the sake of her child for far too long and the damage it caused will take years to fix psychologically for her son and her.

 

[Sln2404]

I think some people find relationships disposable these days. Things like tinder just makes it so easy to find people. My Nan used to say “if someone is broken you try to fix it, you don’t just throw it away” and I think there’s a lot of truth in that. Equally nobody should put up with being cheated on or being treated badly.

 

[Motb]

My ex husband and I separated when the children were little. We just changed in different ways and we were making each other miserable. We went to relationship counselling and that is where we made the decision to separate. It wasn’t an easy decision and at the time we both felt like we were failing the children. However, the counselling helped up to separate with a solid plan for the children. That was 8 years ago, the children are both thriving and well adjusted. My ex and get on pretty well now, although we get on each other’s nerves if we have to spend more than an hour or so together.

After my marriage ended, I met someone new. After 4 years we had a son together, he left when our son was 18 months old,because he just wasn’t very happy. He had already met someone. That relationship ended pretty quickly though and he was all depressed and uses our son as a crutch to prop himself up. He’s just got married to a young woman who lives in turkey who has never even met his son. I very much feel that I had a lucky escape from that, I strongly believe that he is a narcissist.

 

[Niamhm]

A lot of the single mums I know just had unprotected sex with men they didn't really know, trust or were even in a relationship with. Then men either didn't want to know or wanted to be involved in the childs life but not in a relationship with them.

 

[bubbletea123]

My mum was a single parent 20 years ago. My dad was a piece of shit and walked out, never paying child support and threatened to harm us.

 

[tskiry56]

Dv
I couldn’t take anymore of the gaslighting beatings abuse so I walked away
hardest thing I ever did
and got judged for ‘making him do it’ and ‘should have tried harder’
nobody could have tried as hard as I did-he refused to change so I took the kids and ran

My ex's parents did the same and made me think it was me with the problem and not him. They even told me to say I hit my head on the kitchen cupboard to cover up the fact he had head butted me with that much force he split my forehead open.
You did the right thing in the end and it must of took so much courage for you to do it. Its amazing how you take so much but then from somewhere you find the strength to leave. Well done you!!

 

[mummy2under2]

I think a lot of it is how easy it is to find someone new.
30/40 years ago the only way you’d meet someone new is going out and actually meeting face to face on the rare occasion you would go out.
I think the concept of finding someone new was too difficult back then so people stayed together for the fear of being alone.
Nowadays you have every available source possible to find someone new, it’s not a scary concept anymore and it’s 2020...single parenthood is the norm, so it isn’t seen as a barrier. People aren’t as committed to working things out because it’s not as scary to move on if you’re unhappy.

 

[Scvee13]

Are you referring to someone when you say some people seem to find it easier to walk away than put effort in? Not everyone shares if they have relationship issues so people may have tried things and others wouldn't know. Speaking from personal experience I didn't find it easy to meet someone being a single parent but that doesn't mean I'd stay in an unhappy relationship. It would depend on what the issues are causing the relationship breakdown if you would want to save it.. Example cheating.

 

[Orange Creme]

I think it’s really easy to draw inaccurate conclusions about people’s relationships. Someone else mentioned that people usually only show the good stuff on social media, which is true. Even if you know someone personally, they can hide the bad stuff out of shame.

I get judged a lot when I say I left my child’s father due to emotional abuse. Many people have little sympathy for women who are beaten close to death (or worse), so why would they have empathy for me? I hid the abuse from almost everyone because I was ashamed. Growing up being subject to and witnessing abuse, I half felt this treatment was normal, and half was embarrassed for making the same mistakes. I was having mental breakdowns over the stupidest things on an almost daily basis because I had been mentally destroyed. That’s what being repeatedly screamed at and called a c*nt for 8 hours straight for saying “okay” does to you.

I did try to fix it both before and after having the baby (unplanned). I tried everything, from changing myself, to giving him a free pass to cheat, to telling him he didn’t have to financially or physically contribute to the baby at all and I’d work my minimum wage job and earn pennies after paying for childcare and then come home and look after the baby all evening while he messed about on his laptop. My birth was traumatic and hours later, while I was exhausted and recovering from surgery, he was already back to verbally abusing and gaslighting me

It took becoming a mother for me to value myself enough to leave. My daughter looked exactly like me as a newborn and the thought of this little baby growing up and being treated like that broke my heart. So I left

Only a couple of people know the whole story. My exes family think I just can’t be bothered to work on the relationship. I don’t want any more drama so I let them think that. People are so proud and private that you’ll rarely get 100% of the story of why they split

I'm sorry that you went through that , I can't imagine being yelled at for 8 hours straight

 

[Itsnotmeitsyou]

The concept of what makes a family has changed. You seem very “traditional” in your views but there’s no reason why a person with children has to be in a relationship, especially if it made them unhappy. As long as children have stability, love and good role models of both genders they’ll be fine.

 

[Dizzy]

I ended up a single parent after finding the courage to leave my ex partner after 4 years of emotional and mental abuse, which resulted in very subtle physical abuse where I ended up blaming myself for his actions. He then ended up splitting my forehead open in front of our 3 year old child and it was that final act of violence which made me escape. I was always scared to be a single parent because he made me feel like I needed him and no one would love me.
Being a single parent was the best thing that happened to me as I became the mum I didnt have the confidence to be.
3 years later and my little boy is 6 and after a lot of counselling I'm happier than I ever thought I could be and I have a partner who didnt run a mile when I said I had a child he accepted that we come together.

Fabulous, well done you x

 

[Louisej3]

My mum has been single mum all mine and my siblings life 39,30,21,19.
21 and 19 yr old are adopted
39 and 30 are biological

 

[Tublet83]

Women are far more independent, I think. A lot of women stayed/put up with unhappy marriages due to finances with the family.

 

[Ellsbells123]

I think it’s definitely emotional, both on the grounds (as above) that women are more likely to become attached, but also that when you fall pregnant you are instantly a mum! Your way of thinking and behaviour changes. My ex could never understand why I didn’t want to spend hours in the pub, watching him get slowly drunk . It just became no fun for me, so he eventually started to go alone, even after our daughter was born! I felt he never really wanted to “grow up” and deal with the responsibilities. It happens the other way around too, I know a woman that walked out on her children and never went back.

 

[tskiry56]

My ex’s mother did the same
i was told I ‘drove him to it’
my own mother agreed
if anyone did the same to either of my daughters their heads would bounce-and same if anyone with my lads

I have to laugh at it now. It's sad how people can defend violence I know I would of carried on covering it up for years if it wasnt for the fact what he did was on show!
My exs dad said to me "his realised you wasnt the right person for him"
Dont get me wrong I would do anything to protect my son but I would not condone violence.
I hope I bring up my son the right way and that's to never hurt the ones you love.

 

[mummy2under2]

Are you referring to someone when you say some people seem to find it easier to walk away than put effort in? Not everyone shares if they have relationship issues so people may have tried things and others wouldn't know. Speaking from personal experience I didn't find it easy to meet someone being a single parent but that doesn't mean I'd stay in an unhappy relationship. It would depend on what the issues are causing the relationship breakdown if you would want to save it.. Example cheating.

Nah not someone specifically, but myself and a few friends have been in that position.
Using an example of cheating kinda ties in to what I said previously too...it’s also easier to cheat these days in comparison to 20 years ago.
We now have social media, dating apps, mobile phones...that was never an issue before.
Now it’s a HUGE issue in relationships and makes it so much easier for someone to do the dirty.
I think it all ties in together tbh.

 

[Death2unicorns]

I think in many cases some people really rush in to having a baby with someone they haven’t been with for that long or getting pregnant even though the relationship is shit and there are clearly issues, of course it’s not likely to work out and they end up as single parents, I’m from a single parent family for the same reason - my mum got pregnant to some idiot after about 5 minutes of knowing him, he wasn’t around at all when I grew up and I always felt a bit embarrassed and inferior to my friends from two-parent families - not saying I should have felt like that btw, just saying that was the impact it had on me when I was young, impressionable, eager to fit in like all children etc, I know some people do genuinely get pregnant accidentally so the situation is just forced upon them btw, but a lot of the time it is women being careless with contraception even though they are in shit relationships

I think it’s really easy to draw inaccurate conclusions about people’s relationships. Someone else mentioned that people usually only show the good stuff on social media, which is true. Even if you know someone personally, they can hide the bad stuff out of shame.

I get judged a lot when I say I left my child’s father due to emotional abuse. Many people have little sympathy for women who are beaten close to death (or worse), so why would they have empathy for me? I hid the abuse from almost everyone because I was ashamed. Growing up being subject to and witnessing abuse, I half felt this treatment was normal, and half was embarrassed for making the same mistakes. I was having mental breakdowns over the stupidest things on an almost daily basis because I had been mentally destroyed. That’s what being repeatedly screamed at and called a c*nt for 8 hours straight for saying “okay” does to you.

I did try to fix it both before and after having the baby (unplanned). I tried everything, from changing myself, to giving him a free pass to cheat, to telling him he didn’t have to financially or physically contribute to the baby at all and I’d work my minimum wage job and earn pennies after paying for childcare and then come home and look after the baby all evening while he messed about on his laptop. My birth was traumatic and hours later, while I was exhausted and recovering from surgery, he was already back to verbally abusing and gaslighting me

It took becoming a mother for me to value myself enough to leave. My daughter looked exactly like me as a newborn and the thought of this little baby growing up and being treated like that broke my heart. So I left

Only a couple of people know the whole story. My exes family think I just can’t be bothered to work on the relationship. I don’t want any more drama so I let them think that. People are so proud and private that you’ll rarely get 100% of the story of why they split

gosh how awful for you, what a horrible experience, there is no way you could have exposed a child to that thank god you are out of it

 

[Chronically_knackered]

My ex husband had an affair and walked out, leaving me with 4 children to look after. I think people’s mindset has changed compared to how it was in the past. People see relationships as disposable and easy to move on from.

 

[Titntat]

I’m a single mum of a newborn, wasn’t planned this way...I’m currently adjusting and back at my parents with a newborn baby. He couldn’t handle our newborn daughter so I left a few days after I came home from hospital. I’m absolutely devastated but I had to leave for my own mental state as he wouldn’t speak or be in the same room as me. I don’t have any answers and so far he’s never asked for me back. I wouldn’t have had a baby if this was the situation I could see myself in. Sometimes situations are out of our hands and we have to act on the cards we have been dealt.

Bless you. Keep slaying it. It will get easier and better

 

[Youngmum29]

Thank you so much for all your replies. Aside from the women who left due to violence or the threat of, the general consensus seems to be that it’s more then men who have fucked up and ruin the relationship or they just walk away from the relationship.

I guess my next question would be, why are there so many men who cheat/lie/give up caring? I know women can be just as despicable as men, but it seems that men deem it more acceptable to be the bad guy? Thoughts?