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He has lots of baggage (abusive ex wife who threatens suicide when she doesn't get her way and drags their kids into it, and has badmouthed me to the kids) and is really non-confrontational. He had another ex girlfriend before me who he wasn't happy with but I found out today he's gone back to her. Everyone's pretty shocked and horrified and his friends who thought he was a solid, nice guy are furious and baffled because we had a great relationship and they tell me he was really unhappy before. She lives nearer to him and knows his kids and won't push back against his crackpot ex wife though so I guess it's just easier. I'm no longer worth the effort.
He was with this ex girlfriend when he met me, it fizzled out and he finished with her to pursue me. I assume she doesn't know this, or if she does she doesn't have much self respect.
I've left relationships before and been hurt or whatever but there's always been a silver lining. This has absolutely ended me. He also did this to me in three WhatsApp messages and didn't really tell me - I found out properly when he'd changed his Facebook relationship status! Prior to this he was 10/10 green flags, the perfect boyfriend. The cognitive dissonance is fucking painful. I just feel like this is my fault somehow even though he's a coward.
I hope I'm not speaking out of turn when I say I hope in time you find peace and things become a bit clearer. It must have turned your world upside down having a seemingly perfect boyfriend and him doing this.
Maybe in time you will find yourself thinking "oh, he used to do this / not do this and it wasn't right" though. For instance his ex badmouthing you and him not really doing / saying anything because he's non confrontational. Or him telling you over three whatsapp messages. I don't think he's as nice as once thought.
I hope I'm not speaking out of turn when I say I hope in time you find peace and things become a bit clearer. It must have turned your world upside down having a seemingly perfect boyfriend and him doing this.
Maybe in time you will find yourself thinking "oh, he used to do this / not do this and it wasn't right" though. For instance his ex badmouthing you and him not really doing / saying anything because he's non confrontational. Or him telling you over three whatsapp messages. I don't think he's as nice as once thought.
Sadly there wasn't really anything before this that was bad about him to cling onto, aside from him being a bit of a pushover. But he's been weak and cowardly and he's only gone back to that poor girl for an easy life which is as much his character as anything. We were made for each other though, it's a shame and he's done this in the worst possible way.
He has lots of baggage (abusive ex wife who threatens suicide when she doesn't get her way and drags their kids into it, and has badmouthed me to the kids) and is really non-confrontational. He had another ex girlfriend before me who he wasn't happy with but I found out today he's gone back to her. Everyone's pretty shocked and horrified and his friends who thought he was a solid, nice guy are furious and baffled because we had a great relationship and they tell me he was really unhappy before. She lives nearer to him and knows his kids and won't push back against his crackpot ex wife though so I guess it's just easier. I'm no longer worth the effort.
He was with this ex girlfriend when he met me, it fizzled out and he finished with her to pursue me. I assume she doesn't know this, or if she does she doesn't have much self respect.
I've left relationships before and been hurt or whatever but there's always been a silver lining. This has absolutely ended me. He also did this to me in three WhatsApp messages and didn't really tell me - I found out properly when he'd changed his Facebook relationship status! Prior to this he was 10/10 green flags, the perfect boyfriend. The cognitive dissonance is fucking painful. I just feel like this is my fault somehow even though he's a coward.
I’m so sorry to read this. I would block him and wish his friends well and cut all contact with them too because he will realise what he’s done and try to crawl back. You don’t need them helping him creep back in at a later date.
It doesn’t sound like he is as great as you think he is and probably did the same to his ex - I have no doubt he’s made up some excuse without telling her he’s been with you and it would have happened at a later date given his track record. Him dumping her for you is the first red flag.
I don’t think he was ever going to be honest with you if he is none confrontational Men are cowards and would rather be silent than be honest.
Take care of yourself.. You will be so much better off without him.
I cried last night. I’ve been logging all the times I’ve cried this year (sad I know) and tbh I very rarely cry however this month I’ve cried 4 times. I think it’s because this time of year, especially the week between Christmas and New Year, used to be when my dad would get very angry with me for pretty much anything and so I’d spend the week walking on eggshells waiting for school to start again. We have a better relationship now (he just pretends none of it ever happened) but often at night I think back to how things were a couple of years ago and can’t help but feel sorry for my younger self.
This is really weird but sometimes I’ll cuddle a pillow and imagine I’m cuddling my younger self because none ever knew when I was feeling low and really needed a hug.
Edited to add: I’m aware this is a little weird and I should just move on but sometimes I can’t help it.
I cried last night. I’ve been logging all the times I’ve cried this year (sad I know) and tbh I very rarely cry however this month I’ve cried 4 times. I think it’s because this time of year, especially the week between Christmas and New Year, used to be when my dad would get very angry with me for pretty much anything and so I’d spend the week walking on eggshells waiting for school to start again. We have a better relationship now (he just pretends none of it ever happened) but often at night I think back to how things were a couple of years ago and can’t help but feel sorry for my younger self.
This is really weird but sometimes I’ll cuddle a pillow and imagine I’m cuddling my younger self because none ever knew when I was feeling low and really needed a hug.
Edited to add: I’m aware this is a little weird and I should just move on but sometimes I can’t help it.
that is actually not weird, many many people do therapy for healing their inner child and it consists of doing loving things for that child. "if you could go back and talk to yourself as a child what would you say and do" most people say they would hug themselves. Do what makes you feel good.
I imagine in my head that I hug my loved ones who are no longer around. I always feel hugged back.
I’m so sorry to read this. I would block him and wish his friends well and cut all contact with them too because he will realise what he’s done and try to crawl back. You don’t need them helping him creep back in at a later date.
It doesn’t sound like he is as great as you think he is and probably did the same to his ex - I have no doubt he’s made up some excuse without telling her he’s been with you and it would have happened at a later date given his track record. Him dumping her for you is the first red flag.
I don’t think he was ever going to be honest with you if he is none confrontational Men are cowards and would rather be silent than be honest.
Take care of yourself.. You will be so much better off without him.
The situation with ditching the ex he's now back with was the same I think. She got annoyed at him not setting boundaries with the manipulative ex wife and he couldn't deal with it, and he knew he'd have a chance with me if he was single. I didn't realise at the time how awful his ex wife actually is, full narc abuser, and that being annoyed at his enabling her is totally reasonable.
She knows he's been with me but I'm not sure she knows how quickly or that he absolutely raved about me and showed me off to his friends in a way he never did her.
I think he was a bit infatuated with me - I am his 'perfect woman' (I'm nowt special but I'm a lot younger than him, identical tastes in everything and quite striking) but of course I'm also a real person and I couldn't watch his ex wife manipulate him and him do nothing. He shut down and withdrew when I tried to set proper boundaries and his ex wife bad badmouthed me to his kids, which is a shame.
He's codependent and can't be alone and she is convenient, familiar and his kids knew her well. It won't last because his ex wife will interfere, he won't set a boundary and I assume she'll be hacked off about his year long disappearing act. I feel sorry for her but understand where she's at - he is, before you realise he's a coward, the loveliest man I've ever known and the full package and I'm not sure I wouldn't have him back. I've never felt more at home with anyone. But the cowardice is as much a part of him as the rest of it I guess.
I know in time I'll see I'm well out of it but the way he has done this, disappeared, erased, blocked and deleted me from existence when I've done nothing, has absolutely broken me. The easy route isn't even easy, he's made me ill and made all his mates think he's a dipshit, but I hope he's happy and it was worth it. He looks fucking miserable.
God, sorry for the essay. Good to get it out rather than walking round the house sobbing.
I cried last night. I’ve been logging all the times I’ve cried this year (sad I know) and tbh I very rarely cry however this month I’ve cried 4 times. I think it’s because this time of year, especially the week between Christmas and New Year, used to be when my dad would get very angry with me for pretty much anything and so I’d spend the week walking on eggshells waiting for school to start again. We have a better relationship now (he just pretends none of it ever happened) but often at night I think back to how things were a couple of years ago and can’t help but feel sorry for my younger self.
This is really weird but sometimes I’ll cuddle a pillow and imagine I’m cuddling my younger self because none ever knew when I was feeling low and really needed a hug.
Edited to add: I’m aware this is a little weird and I should just move on but sometimes I can’t help it.
It's not weird at all! I have complex PTSD from a difficult childhood and I end up in these spirals of self-blame and criticism and I look at photos of my younger self and ask if I'd blame her for the bad things that happened to her.
The situation with ditching the ex he's now back with was the same I think. She got annoyed at him not setting boundaries with the manipulative ex wife and he couldn't deal with it, and he knew he'd have a chance with me if he was single. I didn't realise at the time how awful his ex wife actually is, full narc abuser, and that being annoyed at his enabling her is totally reasonable.
She knows he's been with me but I'm not sure she knows how quickly or that he absolutely raved about me and showed me off to his friends in a way he never did her.
I think he was a bit infatuated with me - I am his 'perfect woman' (I'm nowt special but I'm a lot younger than him, identical tastes in everything and quite striking) but of course I'm also a real person and I couldn't watch his ex wife manipulate him and him do nothing. He shut down and withdrew when I tried to set proper boundaries and his ex wife bad badmouthed me to his kids, which is a shame.
He's codependent and can't be alone and she is convenient, familiar and his kids knew her well. It won't last because his ex wife will interfere, he won't set a boundary and I assume she'll be hacked off about his year long disappearing act. I feel sorry for her but understand where she's at - he is, before you realise he's a coward, the loveliest man I've ever known and the full package and I'm not sure I wouldn't have him back. I've never felt more at home with anyone. But the cowardice is as much a part of him as the rest of it I guess.
I know in time I'll see I'm well out of it but the way he has done this, disappeared, erased, blocked and deleted me from existence when I've done nothing, has absolutely broken me. The easy route isn't even easy, he's made me ill and made all his mates think he's a dipshit, but I hope he's happy and it was worth it. He looks fucking miserable.
God, sorry for the essay. Good to get it out rather than walking round the house sobbing.
It won’t feel like it but you have had a lucky escape. I can see so many red flags in your last few posts alone. Before long he will probably change from looking miserable to some OTT gesture like proposing and you can bet all the same friends will be in the pictures. Definitely block and never allow him access ever again. If you’re empathic you can tie yourself up in knots trying to make sense of it but it’s a waste of time. He’ll keep repeating the same cycle. You just have to ride this bit out and focus on yourself.
It won’t feel like it but you have had a lucky escape. I can see so many red flags in your last few posts alone. Before long he will probably change from looking miserable to some OTT gesture like proposing and you can bet all the same friends will be in the pictures. Definitely block and never allow him access ever again. If you’re empathic you can tie yourself up in knots trying to make sense of it but it’s a waste of time. He’ll keep repeating the same cycle. You just have to ride this bit out and focus on yourself.
He has lots of baggage (abusive ex wife who threatens suicide when she doesn't get her way and drags their kids into it, and has badmouthed me to the kids) and is really non-confrontational. He had another ex girlfriend before me who he wasn't happy with but I found out today he's gone back to her. Everyone's pretty shocked and horrified and his friends who thought he was a solid, nice guy are furious and baffled because we had a great relationship and they tell me he was really unhappy before. She lives nearer to him and knows his kids and won't push back against his crackpot ex wife though so I guess it's just easier. I'm no longer worth the effort.
He was with this ex girlfriend when he met me, it fizzled out and he finished with her to pursue me. I assume she doesn't know this, or if she does she doesn't have much self respect.
I've left relationships before and been hurt or whatever but there's always been a silver lining. This has absolutely ended me. He also did this to me in three WhatsApp messages and didn't really tell me - I found out properly when he'd changed his Facebook relationship status! Prior to this he was 10/10 green flags, the perfect boyfriend. The cognitive dissonance is fucking painful. I just feel like this is my fault somehow even though he's a coward.
I know how you feel, our old Greyhound died in September & today he would have been in & out of the kitchen, looking for his share of the roast potatoes & chicken.
We miss him terribly View attachment 1831539
What beautiful boy, so sorry for your loss it is such a awful feeling.
It's coming up to a year (9th January) since we lost our beautiful boy and honestly life for me hasn't been the same since. I know some people think they are just a pet but bloody hell I physically hurt some days just thinking about him.
I cry so frequently lately. I cried today, I cried yesterday. I am having big relationship problems and I can't see the way forward. I don't want to end my relationship, although most of my friends have said I should and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but when someone goes from being the best person in your life to the worst person in your life it is really hard to understand and I want it to go back to how it was before.
There are many catalysts and reasons why things are not working at the moment. But no matter how I try to explain my feelings and thoughts he doesn't listen and instead he gets angry and accusatory and then starts saying I am manipulating him. For example, when our relationship started to go south, he moved out back into his own place and it was a real big thing for me that I have still not adjusted to after over 6 months. Everything is different and I always feel like things are going backwards. I tried to explain I have situational depression since he moved out and he started shouting saying I am manipulative and I am saying that he is causing my depression. That isn't what I said at all! It's like he has no empathy or understanding of anything I say. He told me I was playing the mental health card when I said I am feeling so down and low and depressed. I literally had to choke out that I had been having very intrusive thoughts of suicide and he was shouting well why didn't you tell me?! I said he isn't supporting me. He said WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU WHEN I HAVE OTHER THINGS GOING ON?!?! (By this, he means working late and on call shifts which he elected for to get extra money and making time for his daughter from a previous relationship and checking in and visiting his mum). Everything is a battle. He invalidates all my feelings and emotions and says I shouldn't be feeling like that or that I am top sensitive and emotional and I need to get help for it.
On boxing day, we were having a heated discussion/argument and I brought up an issue which actually happened 18 months ago on his mums birthday where we were all supposed to meet up for dinner but he called me at 5pm to say they had to eat without me because he daughter was hungry. I was of course disappointed and upset but i didnt say anything bad on the phone. I just had disappointment in my voice because i cant hide my emotions. It caused so much drama over the last year and a half with him saying I ruined his mums birthday with how I reacted. I never understood his logic until I spoke to his mum about it a few weeks ago and she told me that he had called her from around the corner after telling me I couldn't come and was shouting and balling at his mum down the phone. So I told him I knew what he had done and had declined to tell me and that HE was projecting HIS guilt onto ME for ruining his own mums birthday. He stood in the kitchen and looked at me and said "you manipulative BITCH". He didn't like the truth so he calls me manipulative.
I'm so tired. I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Constantly being treated like shit. But I'm not ready to leave.
I cry so frequently lately. I cried today, I cried yesterday. I am having big relationship problems and I can't see the way forward. I don't want to end my relationship, although most of my friends have said I should and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but when someone goes from being the best person in your life to the worst person in your life it is really hard to understand and I want it to go back to how it was before.
There are many catalysts and reasons why things are not working at the moment. But no matter how I try to explain my feelings and thoughts he doesn't listen and instead he gets angry and accusatory and then starts saying I am manipulating him. For example, when our relationship started to go south, he moved out back into his own place and it was a real big thing for me that I have still not adjusted to after over 6 months. Everything is different and I always feel like things are going backwards. I tried to explain I have situational depression since he moved out and he started shouting saying I am manipulative and I am saying that he is causing my depression. That isn't what I said at all! It's like he has no empathy or understanding of anything I say. He told me I was playing the mental health card when I said I am feeling so down and low and depressed. I literally had to choke out that I had been having very intrusive thoughts of suicide and he was shouting well why didn't you tell me?! I said he isn't supporting me. He said WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU WHEN I HAVE OTHER THINGS GOING ON?!?! (By this, he means working late and on call shifts which he elected for to get extra money and making time for his daughter from a previous relationship and checking in and visiting his mum). Everything is a battle. He invalidates all my feelings and emotions and says I shouldn't be feeling like that or that I am top sensitive and emotional and I need to get help for it.
On boxing day, we were having a heated discussion/argument and I brought up an issue which actually happened 18 months ago on his mums birthday where we were all supposed to meet up for dinner but he called me at 5pm to say they had to eat without me because he daughter was hungry. I was of course disappointed and upset but i didnt say anything bad on the phone. I just had disappointment in my voice because i cant hide my emotions. It caused so much drama over the last year and a half with him saying I ruined his mums birthday with how I reacted. I never understood his logic until I spoke to his mum about it a few weeks ago and she told me that he had called her from around the corner after telling me I couldn't come and was shouting and balling at his mum down the phone. So I told him I knew what he had done and had declined to tell me and that HE was projecting HIS guilt onto ME for ruining his own mums birthday. He stood in the kitchen and looked at me and said "you manipulative BITCH". He didn't like the truth so he calls me manipulative.
I'm so tired. I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Constantly being treated like shit. But I'm not ready to leave.
I really think you should link in with a mental health professional particularly if you are having thoughts of hurting yourself You can’t fix a damaged relationship if you are struggling so much.
I cry so frequently lately. I cried today, I cried yesterday. I am having big relationship problems and I can't see the way forward. I don't want to end my relationship, although most of my friends have said I should and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but when someone goes from being the best person in your life to the worst person in your life it is really hard to understand and I want it to go back to how it was before.
There are many catalysts and reasons why things are not working at the moment. But no matter how I try to explain my feelings and thoughts he doesn't listen and instead he gets angry and accusatory and then starts saying I am manipulating him. For example, when our relationship started to go south, he moved out back into his own place and it was a real big thing for me that I have still not adjusted to after over 6 months. Everything is different and I always feel like things are going backwards. I tried to explain I have situational depression since he moved out and he started shouting saying I am manipulative and I am saying that he is causing my depression. That isn't what I said at all! It's like he has no empathy or understanding of anything I say. He told me I was playing the mental health card when I said I am feeling so down and low and depressed. I literally had to choke out that I had been having very intrusive thoughts of suicide and he was shouting well why didn't you tell me?! I said he isn't supporting me. He said WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU WHEN I HAVE OTHER THINGS GOING ON?!?! (By this, he means working late and on call shifts which he elected for to get extra money and making time for his daughter from a previous relationship and checking in and visiting his mum). Everything is a battle. He invalidates all my feelings and emotions and says I shouldn't be feeling like that or that I am top sensitive and emotional and I need to get help for it.
On boxing day, we were having a heated discussion/argument and I brought up an issue which actually happened 18 months ago on his mums birthday where we were all supposed to meet up for dinner but he called me at 5pm to say they had to eat without me because he daughter was hungry. I was of course disappointed and upset but i didnt say anything bad on the phone. I just had disappointment in my voice because i cant hide my emotions. It caused so much drama over the last year and a half with him saying I ruined his mums birthday with how I reacted. I never understood his logic until I spoke to his mum about it a few weeks ago and she told me that he had called her from around the corner after telling me I couldn't come and was shouting and balling at his mum down the phone. So I told him I knew what he had done and had declined to tell me and that HE was projecting HIS guilt onto ME for ruining his own mums birthday. He stood in the kitchen and looked at me and said "you manipulative BITCH". He didn't like the truth so he calls me manipulative.
I'm so tired. I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Constantly being treated like shit. But I'm not ready to leave.
Definitely reach out and get help for how you are feeling, especially if you have been thinking of hurting yourself.
I had this recently (without the thoughts of self harm) and my Dr was amazing.
I cry so frequently lately. I cried today, I cried yesterday. I am having big relationship problems and I can't see the way forward. I don't want to end my relationship, although most of my friends have said I should and that I deserve better. I know I deserve better, but when someone goes from being the best person in your life to the worst person in your life it is really hard to understand and I want it to go back to how it was before.
There are many catalysts and reasons why things are not working at the moment. But no matter how I try to explain my feelings and thoughts he doesn't listen and instead he gets angry and accusatory and then starts saying I am manipulating him. For example, when our relationship started to go south, he moved out back into his own place and it was a real big thing for me that I have still not adjusted to after over 6 months. Everything is different and I always feel like things are going backwards. I tried to explain I have situational depression since he moved out and he started shouting saying I am manipulative and I am saying that he is causing my depression. That isn't what I said at all! It's like he has no empathy or understanding of anything I say. He told me I was playing the mental health card when I said I am feeling so down and low and depressed. I literally had to choke out that I had been having very intrusive thoughts of suicide and he was shouting well why didn't you tell me?! I said he isn't supporting me. He said WELL HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT YOU WHEN I HAVE OTHER THINGS GOING ON?!?! (By this, he means working late and on call shifts which he elected for to get extra money and making time for his daughter from a previous relationship and checking in and visiting his mum). Everything is a battle. He invalidates all my feelings and emotions and says I shouldn't be feeling like that or that I am top sensitive and emotional and I need to get help for it.
On boxing day, we were having a heated discussion/argument and I brought up an issue which actually happened 18 months ago on his mums birthday where we were all supposed to meet up for dinner but he called me at 5pm to say they had to eat without me because he daughter was hungry. I was of course disappointed and upset but i didnt say anything bad on the phone. I just had disappointment in my voice because i cant hide my emotions. It caused so much drama over the last year and a half with him saying I ruined his mums birthday with how I reacted. I never understood his logic until I spoke to his mum about it a few weeks ago and she told me that he had called her from around the corner after telling me I couldn't come and was shouting and balling at his mum down the phone. So I told him I knew what he had done and had declined to tell me and that HE was projecting HIS guilt onto ME for ruining his own mums birthday. He stood in the kitchen and looked at me and said "you manipulative BITCH". He didn't like the truth so he calls me manipulative.
I'm so tired. I feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. Constantly being treated like shit. But I'm not ready to leave.
I have been crying on and off all day, my gran died during the night. We were so close. We knew she was going to die soon but I’m completely heartbroken and it’s so hard to see my mum so sad. she was very old and lived such a happy and healthy life but I feel actual pain in my chest from feeling so sad
I’ve had a few teary moments today and I’m planning on having a good cry tonight when I’m alone.
I didn’t want to walk away from my relationship but it has broken me this year. I gave up and went no contact but it’s hard.
My 19 year old sister is working full time and still studying at university and has upcoming exams. She stopped talking to my parents around two-three weeks ago and didn't go home for Christmas either. All we've heard from our parents is how bad she is for not calling them/ being in contact. My mother's anger at her gets spilt out on us. She picks and twists words.
Even I get multiple calls a day. I stopped being available all the time and started blocking them again and told them to become parents worth calling.
My other sister and I hadn't told her everything going on in the background, but I told her today what was wrong and she called them back just to pacify them for us .
For everything I do to build up her self esteem, they tear her down in minutes.
I have been crying on and off all day, my gran died during the night. We were so close. We knew she was going to die soon but I’m completely heartbroken and it’s so hard to see my mum so sad. she was very old and lived such a happy and healthy life but I feel actual pain in my chest from feeling so sad
I’ve spent most of December in tears with stress over finances. Husband is a postie and I’ve been working far too many hours to try and keep us afloat. There’s still some bills that didn’t get paid, but most of them were thankfully.
Today. Another crappy day in a mostly crappy year. I feel lonely, even though I’m not alone, unloved and miserable. The future looks bleak and scary, and I’m scared of what the New Year might bring.
A silly row with OH pushed me to the brink, and I cried for ages, sitting on the sofa, whilst he thought the solution was to go and load the Dishwasher (I think he thinks this is doing doing something “for me”), and leave me to cry on my own.
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