What would you consider a "red flag" in a partner?

[4tuhju]

Agree with talking about the ex, both in a bad way (if the ex is ‘crazy’, there’s a good chance your date was the reason why) and simply too much (they’re not over it)

Generally being secretive/evasive about odd things

Being too reliant on parents. I understand living at home as an adult due to high rent prices/personal circumstances but living at home with your mum doing all the housework and cooking... at best you’re useless around the house, at worst you‘re lazy and entitled

Not taking contraception seriously / “I hate condoms and you’re on the pill anyway” - self explanatory!

Urh my eyes rolled into the back of my head so hard reading all of those. I have unfortunately had experiences with all these guys

 

[Pixipoppy]

Calling his ex a psycho, or just generally not speaking respectfully of her (unless of course she genuinely was horrible but even then have some respect for the relationship you chose to be in).

Posessive/clingy behaviour, not wanting me to go out without them, constantly texting, asking who I’m with, when I’ll be back etc.

Not treating his parents with respect, expecting his mum to clean up after him like a child.

low key racist/sexist/homophobic comments.

Rude to service staff in restaurants or shops.

Following a bunch of half naked girls on Instagram.

Using snapchat (I’m 31, so doesn’t apply to younger guys but at my age...come on!)

Not knowing when to stop when it comes to alcohol or drugs, doing wreckless things like drink driving.



Btw these aren’t all from experience! Some are from friend’s relationships or just things that would be red flags for me in general!

 

[tskiry56]

I would consider some one who lies to be a red flag.
If I look back at my past relationship I would of seen the warning signs of lies and never would of stayed with him as he was then emotionally, mentally,physically abusive and controlling!

 

[supernintendochalmers]

If they're self-absorbed/make every conversation about them and don't show any interest in getting to know you.
If they keep bragging about how great and experienced they are in bed (yeah right!)
Also agree with mansplaining, negging and mention of "crazy" exes.

 

[sleepyjoe]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

 

[onmylunchbreak]

I’m fortunate to have been happily married for awhile but some of mine would be -

Being into gaming. I could not deal with being with a man heavily into it. Hard line for me and would be the biggest turn off.

Overbearing mothers. Being useless around the house/in the kitchen is usually a sign of a mollycoddled son. Avoid.

Game playing in the relationship - deliberately holding off on replying to messages, playing hard to get, etc.

Having a female ‘best friend’... usually a recipe for disaster too.

 

[Deepsigh2018]

I also don't have any social media accounts lol and im mid 30s too. I think a lot of guys think I'm lying when I say I don't have it but I'm always happy to video call etc

 

[yankydoo]

I’ve been lucky with my exes... although guess not that lucky as they are an ex lol

anyway, with dating and men in general I would say

1. guys who talk about sex from the get go
2. guys who only contact you when they are in the mood/ are chatty when they are in the mood and are blunt and quiet when they aren’t
3. guys who want to see you as much as possible initially
4. guys who cancel last minute with crap excuses
5. when they get moody when you are busy and can’t see them
6. when they talk about their future with you from the get go

 

[2xblended]

Keeping in touch with an ex . unless you have kids i don't see why you need to be friends or talk to them .

A alternative perspective: I am friends with most of mine. If you've not ended on bad terms but have simply found you that didn't work as a couple, why not stay in touch? I think it's a sign of maturity. You liked them enough to get together with them, so as long as there was no blatant disrespect in the relationship, there's no reason to remove a good person from your life.
On the other hand, if the relationship/person was abusive or otherwise toxic, of course cut all ties and keep them out of your life.

 

[Idontliketogossipbut]

Being jealous of time spent with own friends or family.
Having no long term friends.
Being estranged from whole of family, unless have long term friends who,are normal.

 

[WilmaHun]

Being secretive about what they're doing/who they're chatting to.

Lots of little lies which ultimately are unnecessary - why do it?

 

[Clementine]

Saying ‘love you’ a few weeks in
blowing hot and cold
only wanting to know you when he wants to
his ex is a ‘nutter’
all his ex’s are ‘nutters’
he openly gawps at other women
rushing everything-I.e wants to meet the kids a few weeks in or talking about marriage after a month
gaslighting

ive dated them all!

Me too! And it was all one man!
Like @Londoncailìn said, if only we knew...

 

[Clementine]

Same. All one person.

Imagine it was the same guy...

 

[Londoncailín]

Sorry, I don't know why the picture has posted twice. Have tried to edit it and remove one shot, but it won't let me.

We get the message

 

[JoeBloggs]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

Gaslighting - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[Rockin' Robin]

Someone who smiles when they look at you, but the moment you turn away the smile disappears.

 

[chocolate choux]

I think as a single parent, wanting to meet your child or get involved in that way too quickly. Someone I’d been speaking to on Tinder mentioned that he was missing being a hands on Dad (his son is 19 - my child is nearly 3) and just a few other comments made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We’re no longer talking

Yes to the lovebombing and the nutty exes too.

This is such a red flag! Even if they have the best of intentions it just sets off alarm bells that they want to rush things and be part of the family from day one

Dating as a parent (of young children) is a minefield

 

[Strawberry-pot]

Doesn’t stick to plans you’ve made together or turns up late
Gets funny about you meeting his family
Makes no effort to speak to your friends or family when around them
No manners. (Not having the decency to say please and thank you REALLY bothers me)
Makes no effort on birthdays and christmas
Picky eater... but relies too heavily on other people’s cooking or pre prepared food to eat
Obsessed with bets, gambling etc
No job or ambition
Obsession with gaming
Only speaks to you on his terms

I could probably add lots more!!

Omg didn’t know you knew my ex literally him!

 

[Clementine]

Yes, Instabums. It’s why I don’t really date tbh. It’s not just me I have to think about anymore.

 

[Lolly505]

I may get no replies im abit late to the thread what does gaslight mean? Or an exmaple of it?

While it wasn't a romantic relationship, I experienced gaslighting quite a bit in what I came to realise was a really toxic friend group. For instance, if I ever remembered something that the other girls didn't, it was never 'oh, I don't remember that, sorry' but always "that didn't happen" and/or "you're making that up"(mostly from the 'queen bee' of the group). Even if it was something as innocuous as just mentioning something from a conversation we'd had previously - even when I could remember it clearly and was so sure that pinpoint exactly where we were when it happened - I had to be lying about it because they were always right Yet if I ever didn't remember something, it was my fault for 'not paying attention' or 'not listening', etc.
It might seem like a minor thing and I know my experience definitely wasn't as extreme as some people's, but it definitely has an impact. While I can't remember exactly what I said to cause one particular argument, I still remember those feelings of doubt and humiliation because of how frosty they'd turn over nothing and how belittling it was to be called a liar by my closest friends (in public)

But that kind of unwillingness to believe they could be in the wrong is a massive red flag to me now. Same as when anyone instantly acts somebody like somebody is a stick in the mud for not 'getting a joke' or for letting them break rules, etc - any outright refusal to hold their hands up and apologise or at least acknowledge maybe their behaviour wasn't right/appropriate just speaks volumes about how little that person respects others imo.