What would you consider a "red flag" in a partner?

[Sosig]

How long have you got

Alcoholic, would rather go out than spend time with his child from a previous relationship.

"All my exes are pyschos"

Extremely close to their mother to the point where theres 3 in the relationship.

Peacocking in front of other girls for attention then call you jealous.

Gas lighting you for a reaction and then buying you gifts to make it "better" - anyone else ever been presented with a Michael Kors watch in Burger King?

Lying and then no remorse when they're rumbled "big deal I lied"

Only wants to spend time with you at your home and not take you out/mix with his friends.

Horrible to parents.

Openly slept with female friends.

These are spread across 4 people, I've kissed a few frogs to say the least

 

[Peakyblinders]

- Liking other girls pics on instagram even though you have said you dont like it
- Never accepting any responsibility or admitting when they are in the wrong
- Blaming everything on you (gaslighting)
- Never saying sorry
- Too close (controlled by) Mom
- Ignoring you rather than communicating

 

[Clementine]

I think as a single parent, wanting to meet your child or get involved in that way too quickly. Someone I’d been speaking to on Tinder mentioned that he was missing being a hands on Dad (his son is 19 - my child is nearly 3) and just a few other comments made me feel a bit uncomfortable. We’re no longer talking

Yes to the lovebombing and the nutty exes too.

 

[Bizarrebbq]

Doesn’t stick to plans you’ve made together or turns up late
Gets funny about you meeting his family
Makes no effort to speak to your friends or family when around them
No manners. (Not having the decency to say please and thank you REALLY bothers me)
Makes no effort on birthdays and christmas
Picky eater... but relies too heavily on other people’s cooking or pre prepared food to eat
Obsessed with bets, gambling etc
No job or ambition
Obsession with gaming
Only speaks to you on his terms

I could probably add lots more!!

Wow sounds like my current partner

 

[4tuhju]

"You're not like other girls,"
Talking about their ex on a first date (most often in a derogatory way)
Rudeness to waiters/waitresses
Mansplaining my own field of expertise to me
Anyone using tricks and methods from The Game [yes, we're aware of it you negging prick]
Lovebombing

Much as my husband pisses me off at times, I'm glad I don't have to endure the dating field nowadays, before I met my husband I'd given myself permission to stop dating as it was so miserable at times.

YES!!! The all my exs are psychos speech made me run for the hills every time. Just makes me think NOPE ITS DEFO YOU
And yes to everything else you said. I have endometriosis and it somehow got brought up on a 1st date once and a guy mansplained periods to me ("you know it's not actual blood right")

I'm the same as you happily left the dating life behind (the last experience sent me swiftly back to my ex and were engaged and happier than ever) sometimes we need to experience these things eh, just interested to hear other peoples stories

 

[4tuhju]

I answered a question in another thread and mentioned an ex who to me gave off major red flags, one of the things was being really clingy and over the top to me but for some that's endearing. Just wondered what people consider red flags in a new relationship?

 

[Bellaboo83]

Controlling parents

Blowing hot and cold

Psycho exs

Arranging to meet & up then cancelling more than once

Squeezing you in on their only hour of free time per week

Not getting back to messages for days on end or leaving you on read while clearly online a lot

And one from last night.... Trying to Initiate sex talk on text after only a few messages

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

Calling his ex a psycho, or just generally not speaking respectfully of her (unless of course she genuinely was horrible but even then have some respect for the relationship you chose to be in).

Posessive/clingy behaviour, not wanting me to go out without them, constantly texting, asking who I’m with, when I’ll be back etc.

Not treating his parents with respect, expecting his mum to clean up after him like a child.

low key racist/sexist/homophobic comments.

Rude to service staff in restaurants or shops.

Following a bunch of half naked girls on Instagram.

Using snapchat (I’m 31, so doesn’t apply to younger guys but at my age...come on!)

Not knowing when to stop when it comes to alcohol or drugs, doing wreckless things like drink driving.



Btw these aren’t all from experience! Some are from friend’s relationships or just things that would be red flags for me in general!

the following the half naked women on insta... that’s a no go for me. I always have a look at what kind of accounts they follow and if there’s any like that, I start to judge! My friends think I’m stupid and “it’s only Instagram” (I’m 35, btw)

 

[Rosie878]

One I notice with my friends is when they get involved with someone and there’s hardly any loved up honeymoon period - it’s straightaway drama to do with the guys ex’s or family. I just think if someone really likes you they keep that kind of stuff distanced from you at least for a bit!

 

[LittleMy]

Every date/meet up has to involve alcohol consumption. I had an ex who was heavily reliant on the stuff but would vehemently deny he had a drinking problem. He was like “Fun Bobby” from Friends. Was the life and soul of the party when drunk but couldn’t function without it as it covered up how messed up he really was.

They stand you up a lot in favour of other people.

Accusing you of cheating/flirting without any actual proof/reason (usually trying to deflect from their own guilt as a cheat).

I could go on, these are just some of the things I’ve come across in the past.

 

[realhousewivewannabe]

I agree with following half naked ig people, also if they follow “men’s fashion/gentleman’s fashion/ ig pages” - I don’t think it’s hard to have your own style
If they post only selfies
Don’t have any tagged pictures on Instagram (it’s only their own that they’ve tagged themselves in)
likes every random girls picture
Follows everyone that follows them - if you don’t know them why bother?
Lives like a university student even though they’ve had a career for years
Speaks badly about their exes
Doesn’t introduce you to any family or friends
Doesn’t seem to have any friends only hangs out With siblings.

goes missing on texts but you’ve seen them post on social media or WhatsApp last seen is recent


ok writing this I’ve realised the list is endless

 

[Bellaboo83]

Saying they have no social media, at all. (dating website chats)

 

[Bec3007]

I’d agree with most things on here tbh so no point repeating. What I will say is though, a mention of a crazy ex isn’t a red flag to me. I actually had to warn my partner about my ex because the man was MENTAL. He stopped at nothing to make my life hell for 4 years to the point I couldn’t leave the house, had severe panic attacks and needed therapy. There was no chance I could go into a new relationship and not mention my psycho ex

 

[TheScarletgirl]

Keeping in touch with an ex . unless you have kids i don't see why you need to be friends or talk to them .

Blowing hot and cold . I was dating one manchild who chased me relentlessly for 6 months when i did start to like him and want to progress he switched to his trueself , an egoistic idiot .

Another is taking ages to reply back to text or calls.

 

[Strawberry-pot]

Saying they have no social media, at all. (dating website chats)

Tbh I don’t have fb and only have a Instagram to follow Celebrities/weight loss people. My husband doesn’t have either and a lot of my friends have recently deleted fb as it’s full of ads etc. But maybe that’s because we are mid 30s

 

[ClockworkDolly]

Constantly talking about their exes
Calling you by their exes name
Trust issues, wanting to know what you are doing on a daily basis, this turns into hourly when they show their "true nutters colours"
Lying
Constantly staring at other women whilst he/she is with you
Asking for a door key a month after you have met

 

[DCICassieStuart]

We get the message

Well, I did say it was something that really annoys me

 

[Bronx]

Inviting you back to his kill room.

 

[Horatio]

The inability to sincerely say sorry and take responsibility for a situation. Look out for a half hearted, sarcastic ‘I apologise...’ or ‘I’m sorry, BUT...’ or just no apology at all.

I spent 6 years apologising on my ex’s behalf because it made life easier. This gave him the ammo to gaslight me and make me out to be in the wrong all the time.

Avoid these types like the plague.

Yesss. I discovered a YouTube channel called ‘surviving narcissism’ run by two professionals and it’s very enlightening. I had always thought of my ex as a narcissist, but defined that by the more well known traits - self centred, entitlement, no interest in others etc But some of these videos described things my ex would do I had always thought of as a specific personality trait of his, rather than a typical trait of narcissists. It blew my mind how accurate it was, honestly.

the inability to apologise is an absolute classic and something I abhor in people. I would only hear the word “sorry” when he wanted me to stop being angry about whatever it was. As time would go on he would refer to the incident differently, and change the narrative to shift the blame from himself. “I’m sorry if you felt that way” “I did it because you did this” were often heard.
I relate to you saying you would take the blame. As would I, in situations were both of us were at fault, so I would seem always in the wrong as he couldn’t take responsibility like that.
sorry for the ramble but point is - inability to take responsibility for your actions should be a big red flag ! Even something as small as forgetting to put the bins out. If they can’t accept blame for that they won’t for something more important.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

also hate mummy’s boys. i swear my ex wanted to finger his mum

He wasn't called Oedipus by any chance?