Wonderful!!V.O: …and now viewers our outside broadcasting unit along with Bitsy Wotsits our intrepid commentator will take you over to the Wedding of the Year at BESTSPINSTER ABBEY. Albinoni’s Adagio for Strings and Organ in G minor plays as the OB camera pans over a large English Country House. We gasp in awe as the camera leads us down a long Elm walk then through to a Cathederal Hedge of Hornbeam and through again to an Elizabethan Knot Garden, where the Wedding Chapel comes into view.
Bitsy Wotsits: …and now viewers…as we enter the western transept of Bestspinster Abbey Chapel we can see the glorious light streaming through the stained-glass windows on to the gathering of family and friends of Teddy Bear and Gem. The gleaming pews polished and burnished in this glorious sunlight. The profusion of Spring-gathered Lilacs, the burgeoning garlands of palest pink peonies and the imported Hydrangea Annabelle are surely enough to take one‘s breath away. Such floral beauty provided by Messrs Harvey and Bruiser, Florists to the Aristocracy and Others, is to be savoured as a once in a lifetime experience. Ah - yes here we see Miss Geranium Aspinal who has been appointed official crane spotter today. Tell me Mrs Aspinal, do you think it will be easy to spot a crane flying west straight into this afternoon sun?
Geranium Aspinal. I come from a long line of Crane Spotters, my dear, so I will have no problems. Look! There he is. Yoooooo Hoooo! Yoooo Hoo Mr Yu Crane! We’re just here! Here we are! Yes that’s it! (she flags him down by flapping her arms until he has landed right in front of her). She helps him on with his top hat and adjusts his tail coat removing some flecks of dust with her lace hanky and then offers him her arm and with a playful tap on his pointed beak escorts him back inside the Chapel to stand in his rightful place at the alter with Teddy Bear and his Best Dog Kaiser.
Bitsy Wotsits: Oh goodness me viewers, what a glorious sight! All the bridesmaids have arrived. They are wearing hula - hula grass skirts, and yes, if I’m not mistaken there is Hula Lula the famous hula hula girl! Oh and Mr Django Rhinestone the Dalmatian and his Hawaiian Guitar. Oh how lovely, the bridesmaids are all entering the church doing their beautiful hula hula dance of love. Oh - it brings a tear to my eye viewers! This is just too lovely. Everyone is smiling viewers…just look…
The camera pans over a smiling congregation as the hula, hula bridesmaids perform their beautiful rhythmic dance swaying their hips down the aisle as Django plays his Hawaiian guitar. There is barely a dry eye in the house. Such a vision of love and beauty the likes of which may never be seen again. The camera pans back outside and the steady clop, clop, clop of Klaudio’s hooves can be heard in the distance. Slowly, the beautiful glass coach he is drawing comes into view and as it draws up to the Chapel we can see Gem and Mrs Bonnet Bennet smiling inside the coach. As they alight it looks as if thousands more bright sunbeams fall down upon them from the sky. To the tune of The Bridal March from Lohengrin played on the organ from inside the chapel Mrs Bonnet Bennet walks her Gem down the aisle.
Teddy who has been a bundle of jitters for the past hour or so slowly turns to see his bride walk down the aisle towards him. All is now right with the world. She is here, she is smiling at him and he is truly happy.
cue Mariah Carey…
Here comes the bride
Glowing inside
Its taken simply ages
And many eyes have cried
Finally the day
Has dawned and we must say
That dearest Gem and Teddy
Help share the love today
We gather here
With friends we hold dear
We bless every wish
And this message is clear
Love conquers all
Soothes if you fall
And love can save your life
If you listen to it call
Yu Crane: Peace to you all on this special day. Teddy my boy and dearest girl Gem, what a pleasure it is to see you both glowing with happiness in this wonderful place. I fly to a lot of weddings but I must say I don’t see many venues like this one. I mean the floristry for a start…Oops, there’s me going of on one of my tangents. Now where was I? Oh yes, erm Spot and Matilda it gives me…no sorry… you are not Spot and Matilda are you? Er…just give me a minute… Fabrizio and Mimi. No! Oh yes, Teddy Bear and Gem, how happy you both look and how happy I am to officiate at your wedding today in order to certify you are Friends and Romans…er…no…not Friends and Romans, er…Cakes and Biscuits…no not that…er…You see the thing is I really don’t like storks. I never have and I am not sure if I ever will. My grandfather, was not a lover of storks either…
Miss Midnight gave Oops that certain look and Oops nodded. As Yu Crane gathered momentum with his diatribe against storks Miss Midnight ran unnoticed from the chapel and burst into the Tardis and set the co-ordinates for an hour into the future. The Tardis shook a little and released her almost immediately. She ran back to the Chapel just in time to hear Yu Crane pronounce Teddy Bear and Gem Dog and Spouse. She looked at her watch and wasn’t surprised to see an entire hour had passed unnoticed. Yu Crane imagined everyone had listened to his rather boring sermon and no one else remembered him going on and on and on. It was a secret known only to those who knew. Mrs Bonnet Bennet had given her Gem away and all that remained now was to go back down the aisle and have a really good party.
Mendelssohn’s wedding March plays for a few bars, long enough for the bride and groom to walk back down the aisle together and just as they got to the great doors of the chapel…the organ strikes up with All I want for Christmas is you…Miss Carey looks shocked as Teddy Bear and Gem sing…
We don’t want a lot - just biscuits
And a few fish for a treat
We are happy with a head scratch
Or a kind pat at your feet
We all need a place to go
More than you could ever know
Make our dreams come true
Because
All we want is kindness from you
Dogs and cats and birds and people
Need a place called home and then
All of them know where they’re standing
Even just the smallest den
Brings a smile to every face
Everyone just needs a place
What else can we do?
All we want is safety and you
See our bright fur shining
With hair left everywhere
You know we’d be pining
If you were not there
So with love and sniffing
We say Mum you’re spiffing
Thanks for all you do
Solid through and through
Look into our eyes
And that face belongs to you!
We don’t want a lot just biscuits
And a few fish for a treat
Pedigree or simple misfits
In our bed or on the street
All we need is one small lead
And some food for which to plead
Make our dreams come true
And take us back to your place with you!
Maria jumps in to help here with that top whistle note and brings the final curtain down!
I pray this war comes to an end very very soon.
but I did have four social occasions in quick succession. The worst but is the phlegm (sorry, tmi) but it's like a bad cold. I'm now 10 days after first symptom so it must be nearly over.