Toxic Parents

[HumphreyB]

I dont speak to my parents anymore. Its been years since ive seen them. Unlike others I dont recall my childhood being a bad one. Its really only as I got older I started to view things differently. My mum is difficult, not one for self reflection or accepting any sort of responsibility. I guess my relationship with them came strings attached. We have had our arguments over the years, wouldnt speak, then back talking but never really resolving anything. She is a cold person, i dont ever recall feeling like I was a priority growing up, hugs rare, never told we were loved. Although I always knew we were it was never said. Never felt like what I did was good enough. Was much closer to my dad and actually the breakdown of that relationship broke my heart. He was always someone I trusted, someone I felt had my back untill of course he didnt.

The betrayal I have experienced in the last number of years has really impacted my life, how I see people, I dont allow anyone in anymore. I have opted out of life in a way the last few years.

For me the things they did and said are unforgivable. Sometimes I think we will speak again and other times I think life is too short to have people like that in my life.

 

[curious truth seeker]

My childhood is something I’ve only come to terms with in the last year through correct therapy
I have always suffered with anxiety, social and in general
I wouldn’t answer the phone Or the door at it’s worst in my teenage years or the door
Until last year I was a fully functioning social path
Now Iam much more healed
I was sexually abused by my father As well as verbally and physical
In my childhood I had always hated on him with the dream he would die I would be able to tell my mother what was going on and she would forgive me for being distant and love me
I mean how messed up did they have me
It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I finally came to terms with her involvement
There was this broken child in front of her scared and distant and she would make me write letter to her apologising for my behaviour As well as other tit

It’s breaks me to even write this out what kind of mother does that to there child

why where they like that
I’ve no idea, their arseholes I know that much
This is just a basic outline there’s so much
But I wouldn’t bore anyone with the full story

 

[PrincessCharming]

When there’s a news report about care homes that have failed checks, I say to my husband “write the name of that place down, I’ll need it for my mother”

I will not be dragged into caring for my parents when they’re elderly, no chance.

 

[MunHun]

I’m sorry for everyone who has shared their story for the pain that you have all suffered and how that affects you to this day. It is true our childhood shapes our whole lives and it’s hard to shake deep rooted behaviours. To this day I would be by default a very detached and cold person unless you knew me well, it takes me so long to let my guard down. Peoples first impressions of me are always that I’m stuck up and that couldn’t be further from the truth I’m actually petrified most of the time. I found having my first child really turned my life around for the better, it made me so aware of habits, emotions and patterns. I am a warm affectionate parent and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the only part of my life that feels completely natural and not like I’m forcing something. I do have a wonderful partner who knows how I am and is very patient with me which has also helped me heal so much but I think I will always feel like the odd one out in social situations.

 

[Red hair dont care]

I’m sorry for everyone who has shared their story for the pain that you have all suffered and how that affects you to this day. It is true our childhood shapes our whole lives and it’s hard to shake deep rooted behaviours. To this day I would be by default a very detached and cold person unless you knew me well, it takes me so long to let my guard down. Peoples first impressions of me are always that I’m stuck up and that couldn’t be further from the truth I’m actually petrified most of the time. I found having my first child really turned my life around for the better, it made me so aware of habits, emotions and patterns. I am a warm affectionate parent and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the only part of my life that feels completely natural and not like I’m forcing something. I do have a wonderful partner who knows how I am and is very patient with me which has also helped me heal so much but I think I will always feel like the odd one out in social situations.

You are a good one MunHun

 

[Lady Macbeth]

My late mother was very loving while my father was rather selfish. My mum was a Holocaust survivor whose whole family were murdered by the Nazis in Poland. She would cry for her mother her whole life. Essentially I have second generation trauma.

 

[bunnyboo]

I have a mother who has (what I suspect to be) narcissistic personality disorder. I don't have much positive or negative to say about my father. He's an emotionally distant enabler.

I'm apologise in advance for my essay length analysis below, but I only realised that she has NPD when I read a post someone made on Reddit about their Narc mother. It made me feel less alone, and it always empowered me to understand her issues and how I deal with them. So, if any of this sounds like your mother/father, you might be dealing with a narcissistic personality.

• My mother is extremely arrogant, cold and egotistical. In her mind, she's 'special' and above everyone else. When other people don't treat her with the respect and grandeur she believes she's entitled to, her egotistical ass thinks it's because they don't get how great/special she is
• She will gaslight the absolute tit out of you to the point where you begin to think you are the problem, you are crazy etc. I have mental health problems and she has convinced me on numerous occasions that I'm making them up, I'm looking for attention, obsessed with labelling myself etc. She also questions every element of trauma I suffered with as a child (i.e. "that never happened, you're re-writing history)
• Every aspect of life and persona is calculated move. She paints an image of herself as a devout Catholic church going do-gooder that goes to Africa every year to 'help' the poor (lol I'm sorry but no-one can tell me that missionary work isn't poorly disguised colonialism). And yet behind closed doors, she's a raging monster that has the capacity to be extremely cruel
• Her victim complex drives me crazy. She has a job and she's always coming home in a bad mood saying she's being 'bullied'. Every. God. Damn. Year. And yet she lacks the logical reasoning to see that she is the common denominator in every single (almost monthly) episode of 'bullying'
• Her competitiveness is also really problematic. She couldn't handle the fact that I'm the most 'educated' one in the family (I got a masters degree), so she enrolled in a college a few months after I graduated to do her own masters. I hate to admit this, but it was kind of a silent victory for me as I graduated first in my class with 1.1.. she barely scraped a pass in her one. A nice slice of humble pie hahaha
• Probably the worst of all though... she does not have the capacity to love without conditions. She didn't love me when I was a teenager struggling with anorexia. She didn't love me when I had a nervous breakdown and had to take a break from university. She loves me now because I have a 'good' job and am completing a PhD

The worst part about all this is I still love her. I don't like her behaviour. Nor do I like the way she treats me. She had an extremely difficult upbringing. The route of her issues is she's extremely damaged and is ultimately scared of showing any vulnerability. But all that stuff aside, believe me when I say she has made my life very difficult.

And look... for what it's worth, I know I have my issues. I have borderline personality disorder. I know I can be difficult. But at least I can demonstrate some bleeping self awareness lol.

 

[Gym&Tonic]

@bunnyboo your borderline personality disorder was more than likely caused by her poor parenting of you.

 

[bunnyboo]

@bunnyboo your borderline personality disorder was more than likely caused by her poor parenting of you.

100% agree, a person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.

I'm trying to break this toxic cycle. My mother's parents were the emotionally distant, negligent alcoholics. My own mother is a raging narcissist. And none of these people would ever accept that they have a problem, much less even entertain the idea of therapy. I'm doing my best to break this by going to therapy and facing my demons. I can't change other people's behaviour (very hard lesson to learn IMO), but I can change myself and how I deal with others.

 

[MunHun]

100% agree, a person's relationship with their parents and family has a strong influence on how they come to see the world and what they believe about other people.

I'm trying to break this toxic cycle. My mother's parents were the emotionally distant, negligent alcoholics. My own mother is a raging narcissist. And none of these people would ever accept that they have a problem, much less even entertain the idea of therapy. I'm doing my best to break this by going to therapy and facing my demons. I can't change other people's behaviour (very hard lesson to learn IMO), but I can change myself and how I deal with others.

The hardest thing I’ve come to terms with is I can’t fix what’s broken inside of anyone else. I used to think if I just did this, that or the other then everything will be better. I had to learn through therapy, trial and error not to expect. As that was what was ultimately hurting me this expectation that one day things would be different. Changing yourself will be the best thing you’ll ever do for yourself as you create the boundaries

 

[Badabing101]

Does anyone else find that these mothers whilst being unavailable to mother you, expect you to provide emotional support and care to them? My mum does. She offloads on me, she is very negative and whinges all the time. It’s absolutely draining.

Just reading your posts... are you my sister?!?
My mum is exactly like this. It’s so draining. Solidarity.

 

[cotdotton]

I have had a lovely weekend enjoying the sunshine with my boyfriend and friends. I feel I should visit my parents but is it awful that I don’t really want to? The atmosphere at home is terrible and if my parents have been fighting during the day the tension is so bad. Either that or they start bickering within 10 minutes of me arriving in the door. I feel like I don’t want that to be a dampener on a fantastic weekend but yet I feel I need to call there out of duty and guilt. Can anybody relate?

 

[curious truth seeker]

I have had a lovely weekend enjoying the sunshine with my boyfriend and friends. I feel I should visit my parents but is it awful that I don’t really want to? The atmosphere at home is terrible and if my parents have been fighting during the day the tension is so bad. Either that or they start bickering within 10 minutes of me arriving in the door. I feel like I don’t want that to be a dampener on a fantastic weekend but yet I feel I need to call there out of duty and guilt. Can anybody relate?

i remember when I was under 16 and still living at home I never took friends round for that reason, the atmosphere in the household was toxic and I was embrassed that my father would perv on my friends, to this day I find it difficult to have friends over but Iam perfectly comfy at their house
So no I don’t blame you at all, we have to look after ourselves and if they disrupt and upset your well-being they are to be avoided
Whether related or not

 

[Zoe88]

Just reviving this thread as have to vent

My parents say they're going to do something for me or siblings and they'll mention it a few times and then when it comes to it, nothing. It's happened a few times and it's mainly to do with money. The thing is, I never ask for these things, they offer them out of nowhere and they repeat it (this one that's needed me to vent has been said throughout my life) a fair few times. The most recent one not only has it now not been mentioned but I have brought it up and they're playing dumb!! It's so infuriating! I don't understand it! I'm not mad about the money, it's the promise that doesn't follow through and the playing dumb today has just left me in complete wonder about what the hell they are upto?! What is this called and does anyone else's parents do this?