Toxic Parents

[cotdotton]

Hi all,
I also have an extremely difficult mother. She definitely suffers from some mental health issues and anxiety. I was always looked after from a money and clothes point of view when I was growing up but emotional support was non-existent.
When I started a job that I was basically pushed into taking by her, I struggled with my mental health. I used food as a comfort and probably put on 10 lbs- a stone as a result. I felt out of my depth in the job and I worked ridiculous hours. One night she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I putting on so much weight. I confided in her that I wasn’t happy in the job and I knew I’d been eating more than normal. Her reply was to roar at me to know why I was so fat (9 1/2 stone max even with weight on) and asked if I was pregnant.
She has criticised how I look, that my hair/clothes etc were awful. I’ve been told that people laugh at me behind my back and I had no real friends. If I did the smallest thing wrong I’d be roared and shouted at. I have honestly never met someone so critical which led me to doubt myself and to always feel like everything bad that happened was my own fault.
My childhood and even the time until I bought my house last year consisted of me being on constant edge about what the next episode of abuse would be. She has also had episodes of calling me a liar for no good reason.
Last month when I went home for a family dinner, I saw her eyeing me up and down so knew in my head she didn’t like my outfit. I found myself making sure I wasn’t left on my own with her at any stage which at the age of 31 upset me to say the least.
In my 20s and over the last few years I’ve began to deal with it better. I’m quite good at not taking comments personally but my life has changed so much for the better since I bought my own house.
I’ve done jobs around by myself which is something that I’d never be able to do according to her for as long as I can remember.
It still upsets me thinking about some awful experiences and when I told my boyfriend some of it I got really really upset so it has impacted me and probably always will.

 

[MunHun]

Hi all,
I also have an extremely difficult mother. She definitely suffers from some mental health issues and anxiety. I was always looked after from a money and clothes point of view when I was growing up but emotional support was non-existent.
When I started a job that I was basically pushed into taking by her, I struggled with my mental health. I used food as a comfort and probably put on 10 lbs- a stone as a result. I felt out of my depth in the job and I worked ridiculous hours. One night she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I putting on so much weight. I confided in her that I wasn’t happy in the job and I knew I’d been eating more than normal. Her reply was to roar at me to know why I was so fat (9 1/2 stone max even with weight on) and asked if I was pregnant.
She has criticised how I look, that my hair/clothes etc were awful. I’ve been told that people laugh at me behind my back and I had no real friends. If I did the smallest thing wrong I’d be roared and shouted at. I have honestly never met someone so critical which led me to doubt myself and always feel everything bad that happened my was my own fault.
My childhood and even the time until I bought my house last year consisted of me being on constant edge about what the next thing I’d do wrong would be. She has also had episodes of calling me a liar for no good reason.
Last month when I went home for a family dinner, I saw her eyeing me up and down so knew in my head she didn’t like my outfit. I found myself making sure I wasn’t left on my own with her at any stage.
In my 20s and over the last few years I’ve began to deal with it better. I’m quiet good at not taking comments personally but my life has changed so much for the better since I bought my own house.
I’ve done jobs around by myself which is something that I’d never be able to do according to her for as long as I can remember.
It still upsets me thinking about some awful experiences and when I told my boyfriend some of it I got really really upset so it has impacted me and probably always will.

I’m sorry to hear about your relationship with your mother but I’m so happy that you have some very positive things happening in your life that you can build on.

 

[1001 others]

My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!

Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."

Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.

 

[Silverback]

My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!

Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."

Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.

You are NOT being mean! It’s sensible and normal to want to prioritise your mental health over helping out someone who has caused you a lot of pain and misery. Do NOT upend your life for her!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!

Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."

Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.

You are definitely not being mean, the reason you feel like you're being mean is because you are a nice person. You can bet our parents don't feel mean when they're spreading their poison.

I know how you feel though, I sometimes catch myself wondering if I'm being mean to my dad by going non contact.

It sounds like the only advantage to her living with you would be that you wouldn't feel guilty?

 

[Gym&Tonic]

I think there should be some kind of test people have before having children to see whether or not they are narcissists. Narcs genuinely shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce because they cause their offspring so much damage. Even the so called ’Golden Children’ end up seriously fucked up by how they were raised. Narcs are not capable of being decent parents, or spouses for that matter.

 

[emmer_moans]

On the whole my parents have been loving but there was so much toxic anxiety all the time in the house that made me feel on edge all the time and it wasn’t until I moved out that I realised how much the anxiety in the house was affecting me physically and mentally. In my case it’s not been a malicious thing but one of my parents always brought home work stress and never did anything to calm down, so dinners were eaten in silence, or doors were slammed, snippy remarks made if we got under their feet whilst they were feeling stressed, critiscism of our behaviour was given out of proportion to that actual issue, because tensions high. They felt they were above counselling for their anxiety and didn’t get help from a doctor either, so there was always something being worried about. I never felt like I could relax, couldn’t afford to leave, etc when I was going through school and uni. Even now in my early 30s and having lived away from them for the best part of 8 years, I still find myself coaching myself out of some anxious responses that I can trace back to that time. I felt I could breathe again when I left. On paper they are supportive parents, encouraged me to do well at school, go to after school clubs etc, they just seemed to have a cognitive dissonance that the atmosphere at home was so tense. Now, I have a better relationship with one other the other, they are still together but when I visit, the anxious tensions are still there to the point I dread going round (before Covid).

 

[Fairy dust munch]

I have similar conflicting emotions. I'm not sure if my mother is a narc I think it's more to do with her life and a long held resentment. Her childhood was strict and religious. She escaped to do her nurses training in London and was loving her life. Then her parents had a surprise baby and she was forced back home to look after him. She hated it. Unfortunately she then fell pregnant with me and to save face married my dad, (he was aware that I wasn't his, she doesn't know who my father is).
For all of my life this has been my fault. She was trapped and unhappy and nasty to me, my friends, anyone who ever praised me was knocked down. She loved to embarrass me in public. My two younger sisters also suffered but maybe not as badly. We all walked on egg shells though as she was often angry at us for no good reason. We all left home at 17 but now my sisters are far and wide and I'm left with the looking after my parents as they are now both in their eighties. My most conflicting emotion is that I don't want to be there, and I get really angry. I would put them both in an old people's home but my mum would be the most hated resident as she is still rude and obnoxious. Also my sisters are thinking about their inheritance. She now sits in her chair day in and day out expecting to be waited on by me and my dad. I haven't explained this very well but don't want to look after her and I don't see why I should. But am I now being as bad as her with built up resentment? I know there are no answers but I feel that if I tried to explain how much I hate my mum irl I would be the one in the wrong. Sorry for the long post.

 

[MunHun]

I have similar conflicting emotions. I'm not sure if my mother is a narc I think it's more to do with her life and a long held resentment. Her childhood was strict and religious. She escaped to do her nurses training in London and was loving her life. Then her parents had a surprise baby and she was forced back home to look after him. She hated it. Unfortunately she then fell pregnant with me and to save face married my dad, (he was aware that I wasn't his, she doesn't know who my father is).
For all of my life this has been my fault. She was trapped and unhappy and nasty to me, my friends, anyone who ever praised me was knocked down. She loved to embarrass me in public. My two younger sisters also suffered but maybe not as badly. We all walked on egg shells though as she was often angry at us for no good reason. We all left home at 17 but now my sisters are far and wide and I'm left with the looking after my parents as they are now both in their eighties. My most conflicting emotion is that I don't want to be there, and I get really angry. I would put them both in an old people's home but my mum would be the most hated resident as she is still rude and obnoxious. Also my sisters are thinking about their inheritance. She now sits in her chair day in and day out expecting to be waited on by me and my dad. I haven't explained this very well but don't want to look after her and I don't see why I should. But am I now being as bad as her with built up resentment? I know there are no answers but I feel that if I tried to explain how much I hate my mum irl I would be the one in the wrong. Sorry for the long post.

Your not bad for holding resentment. Your human. Be kind to yourself in this situation your Mother never gave you what you needed but expects you do give her everything she wants from you. It’s very unfair.

 

[hypoharpy]

My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!

Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."

Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.

Please don't do it. My mother was a flaming narcissist too. She manipulated me so I said she could live with us when she got older . Thankfully my husband nipped that in the bud. You're not being mean my love - she'll ruin your life and if you're like me you'll have worked hard to overcome your childhood - you and your family come first.

 

[DCICassieStuart]

I'm 41, haven't spoken to my parents in about 5 or 6 years now (most of you have probably seen my post on the celeb gossip thread) They're both in their 70's now and to the best of my knowledge are both fit and healthy, but I will NOT, under ANY circumstances be looking after them if they need it when they get older.

When I was a helpless child, my parents didn't show me love, affection or care. Instead all I got was physical, mental and emotional abuse. I was used as a constant punchbag (figuratively and literally) and my needs were never met. If I was upset about something, instead of being soothed and consoled, I was laughed at, ridiculed (especially in front of others) and constantly told I was a f***king idiot, yet they continue to claim that they never did anything wrong, that I'm lying about it and that 'that didn't happen'

Before I stopped contact, my mother would constantly tell me that "We could be dead in the morning and you'd be sorry then". Constantly try and make me feel guilty for standing up for myself and make out that I was the one in the wrong.

I will NOT look after them in their old age and I will NOT let them make me feel guilty about it.

@1001 others, please please don't let your mother guilt you into looking after her and don't let her come and live with you under any circumstances. Why is your husband suggesting this? Is he aware of how you were treated by her?

 

[petitspois]

I'm 41, haven't spoken to my parents in about 5 or 6 years now (most of you have probably seen my post on the celeb gossip thread) They're both in their 70's now and to the best of my knowledge are both fit and healthy, but I will NOT, under ANY circumstances be looking after them if they need it when they get older.

When I was a helpless child, my parents didn't show me love, affection or care. Instead all I got was physical, mental and emotional abuse. I was used as a constant punchbag (figuratively and literally) and my needs were never met. If I was upset about something, instead of being soothed and consoled, I was laughed at, ridiculed (especially in front of others) and constantly told I was a f***king idiot, yet they continue to claim that they never did anything wrong, that I'm lying about it and that 'that didn't happen'

Before I stopped contact, my mother would constantly tell me that "We could be dead in the morning and you'd be sorry then". Constantly try and make me feel guilty for standing up for myself and make out that I was the one in the wrong.

I will NOT look after them in their old age and I will NOT let them make me feel guilty about it.

@1001 others, please please don't let your mother guilt you into looking after her and don't let her come and live with you under any circumstances. Why is your husband suggesting this? Is he aware of how you were treated by her?

I think your attitude is spot on. You weren't even looked after, let alone prioritised so why should you care for them? it's not as if they will come to their senses and it will be a happy ever after, that's just not possible with people like that. To look after them when they are very old would just perpetuate their abuse.

 

[btw]

I find it hard to explain the relationships with my parents as there both very nice, loving people in day to day life so people never understand my view point.
my mums been a great mum in terms of we’ve always been clean and healthy but she’s very emotionally distant with serious things... for an example, whenever I’ve tried to discuss my feelings in general or maybe a way she’s upset me. She’ll become the victim of how stressful it is working and being a single parent instead of listening and trying to see if there’s any thing she can do to help. I appreciate it’s tricky to be a working single parent but as a single parent myself, if my son ever approached me and said “look mum this kind of upset me” I’d never throw in his face I’m a single mum I can’t do it all. I’d listen and reflect on my behaviour to see where I could do better next time.
My dad had a very unloving upbringing so he clearly has found it hard to be a loving father. He’s always be present physically but in terms of father daughter relationship I’ve never experienced that bond that I see many others have.
Theyve both done their best but some of their behaviour has caused me to be very cautious in how I raise my son as I don’t want him to feel some of the things ive felt.
I think often people don’t realise how such minor things during childhood can shape and affect you in the future.

 

[Clojo92]

My mother only gave me attention in public, and I could never get her actual attention when I most needed it growing up. Unfortunately her attention was solely focused on my father, because he was an abusive, alcoholic, junkie and she just enabled his behaviour by staying with him and allowing it to happen. Even now, still married and playing happy families which I refuse to be a part of. Our immediate family knew exactly what was going on at home and no one did anything to help. I have so much anger and resentment in me about my childhood and my mother. I have no emotion towards my dad. He could die tomorrow and I wouldn't even care. I can't understand why my mother allowed all these things to happen and I will never be able to forgive her for it. She stripped away my childhood and teenage years for her own selfish needs.

 

[tskiry56]

I have read most of these posts and some are heartbreaking how you have been treated by your parents.
I often worry that when my son is older that he will turn against me. He is 7 now but when he was 2-3 witnessed his dad hurt me, he also used to hear the way he would talk to me.
He only sees his dad once a fortnight now and I have no contact with him.
It’s sad how some parents can treat there children when they should be lucky to have them!

 

[Clojo92]

I have read most of these posts and some are heartbreaking how you have been treated by your parents.
I often worry that when my son is older that he will turn against me. He is 7 now but when he was 2-3 witnessed his dad hurt me, he also used to hear the way he would talk to me.
He only sees his dad once a fortnight now and I have no contact with him.
It’s sad how some parents can treat there children when they should be lucky to have them!

The only advice I can give is if he ever brings it up, listen and talk to him about it. So many things happened to me that when I tried to speak to my mum about she either didn't want to discuss it, told me 'others have it worse' or it was brushed under the carpet for everyone to forget about but me. That has been the real struggle for me, and therefore whenever something does happen I keep it bottle up because I never had that safe space to talk about it.

 

[tskiry56]

The only advice I can give is if he ever brings it up, listen and talk to him about it. So many things happened to me that when I tried to speak to my mum about she either didn't want to discuss it, told me 'others have it worse' or it was brushed under the carpet for everyone to forget about but me. That has been the real struggle for me, and therefore whenever something does happen I keep it bottle up because I never had that safe space to talk about it.

Thank you! He does say that odd thing sometimes usually after he has seen him.
He had play therapy a couple of years ago and I have always been honest with him about things obviously child appropriate.
I went to counselling myself and also had CBT and it helped me deal with a lot of the trauma that comes from dv.
I hope you get support it’s never too late to! No one can ever compare what you went through and the impact it’s had on your life.

 

[Clojo92]

Thank you! He does say that odd thing sometimes usually after he has seen him.
He had play therapy a couple of years ago and I have always been honest with him about things obviously child appropriate.
I went to counselling myself and also had CBT and it helped me deal with a lot of the trauma that comes from dv.
I hope you get support it’s never too late to! No one can ever compare what you went through and the impact it’s had on your life.

You sound like a fab mother!

 

[tskiry56]

You sound like a fab mother!

Aww thank you! For a very long time I felt like an awful mum after I left I always questioned why I didn’t have the guts to leave sooner!
I look at my life now and wonder how I got through it and I’m thankful for being so strong for my son who now has a positive male role model in his life in my partner.

 

[cotdotton]

On the whole my parents have been loving but there was so much toxic anxiety all the time in the house that made me feel on edge all the time and it wasn’t until I moved out that I realised how much the anxiety in the house was affecting me physically and mentally. In my case it’s not been a malicious thing but one of my parents always brought home work stress and never did anything to calm down, so dinners were eaten in silence, or doors were slammed, snippy remarks made if we got under their feet whilst they were feeling stressed, critiscism of our behaviour was given out of proportion to that actual issue, because tensions high. They felt they were above counselling for their anxiety and didn’t get help from a doctor either, so there was always something being worried about. I never felt like I could relax, couldn’t afford to leave, etc when I was going through school and uni. Even now in my early 30s and having lived away from them for the best part of 8 years, I still find myself coaching myself out of some anxious responses that I can trace back to that time. I felt I could breathe again when I left. On paper they are supportive parents, encouraged me to do well at school, go to after school clubs etc, they just seemed to have a cognitive dissonance that the atmosphere at home was so tense. Now, I have a better relationship with one other the other, they are still together but when I visit, the anxious tensions are still there to the point I dread going round (before Covid).

You have literally described my situation down to a tee. The slamming doors and the tense atmosphere are exactly how my house felt and along with the out of proportion criticism, it was an awful place. I genuinely felt like a weight was off my shoulders when I bought my own house and I probably never realised how much the awful atmosphere affected me until I had the relaxation of my own house to compare it to.