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DCICassieStuart
VIP Member
I'm 41, haven't spoken to my parents in about 5 or 6 years now (most of you have probably seen my post on the celeb gossip thread) They're both in their 70's now and to the best of my knowledge are both fit and healthy, but I will NOT, under ANY circumstances be looking after them if they need it when they get older.
When I was a helpless child, my parents didn't show me love, affection or care. Instead all I got was physical, mental and emotional abuse. I was used as a constant punchbag (figuratively and literally) and my needs were never met. If I was upset about something, instead of being soothed and consoled, I was laughed at, ridiculed (especially in front of others) and constantly told I was a f***king idiot, yet they continue to claim that they never did anything wrong, that I'm lying about it and that 'that didn't happen'
Before I stopped contact, my mother would constantly tell me that "We could be dead in the morning and you'd be sorry then". Constantly try and make me feel guilty for standing up for myself and make out that I was the one in the wrong.
I will NOT look after them in their old age and I will NOT let them make me feel guilty about it.
@1001 others, please please don't let your mother guilt you into looking after her and don't let her come and live with you under any circumstances. Why is your husband suggesting this? Is he aware of how you were treated by her?
When I was a helpless child, my parents didn't show me love, affection or care. Instead all I got was physical, mental and emotional abuse. I was used as a constant punchbag (figuratively and literally) and my needs were never met. If I was upset about something, instead of being soothed and consoled, I was laughed at, ridiculed (especially in front of others) and constantly told I was a f***king idiot, yet they continue to claim that they never did anything wrong, that I'm lying about it and that 'that didn't happen'
Before I stopped contact, my mother would constantly tell me that "We could be dead in the morning and you'd be sorry then". Constantly try and make me feel guilty for standing up for myself and make out that I was the one in the wrong.
I will NOT look after them in their old age and I will NOT let them make me feel guilty about it.
@1001 others, please please don't let your mother guilt you into looking after her and don't let her come and live with you under any circumstances. Why is your husband suggesting this? Is he aware of how you were treated by her?
Hi all,
I also have an extremely difficult mother. She definitely suffers from some mental health issues and anxiety. I was always looked after from a money and clothes point of view when I was growing up but emotional support was non-existent.
When I started a job that I was basically pushed into taking by her, I struggled with my mental health. I used food as a comfort and probably put on 10 lbs- a stone as a result. I felt out of my depth in the job and I worked ridiculous hours. One night she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I putting on so much weight. I confided in her that I wasn’t happy in the job and I knew I’d been eating more than normal. Her reply was to roar at me to know why I was so fat (9 1/2 stone max even with weight on) and asked if I was pregnant.
She has criticised how I look, that my hair/clothes etc were awful. I’ve been told that people laugh at me behind my back and I had no real friends. If I did the smallest thing wrong I’d be roared and shouted at. I have honestly never met someone so critical which led me to doubt myself and to always feel like everything bad that happened was my own fault.
My childhood and even the time until I bought my house last year consisted of me being on constant edge about what the next episode of abuse would be. She has also had episodes of calling me a liar for no good reason.
Last month when I went home for a family dinner, I saw her eyeing me up and down so knew in my head she didn’t like my outfit. I found myself making sure I wasn’t left on my own with her at any stage which at the age of 31 upset me to say the least.
In my 20s and over the last few years I’ve began to deal with it better. I’m quite good at not taking comments personally but my life has changed so much for the better since I bought my own house.
I’ve done jobs around by myself which is something that I’d never be able to do according to her for as long as I can remember.
It still upsets me thinking about some awful experiences and when I told my boyfriend some of it I got really really upset so it has impacted me and probably always will.
I also have an extremely difficult mother. She definitely suffers from some mental health issues and anxiety. I was always looked after from a money and clothes point of view when I was growing up but emotional support was non-existent.
When I started a job that I was basically pushed into taking by her, I struggled with my mental health. I used food as a comfort and probably put on 10 lbs- a stone as a result. I felt out of my depth in the job and I worked ridiculous hours. One night she asked me what was wrong with me and why was I putting on so much weight. I confided in her that I wasn’t happy in the job and I knew I’d been eating more than normal. Her reply was to roar at me to know why I was so fat (9 1/2 stone max even with weight on) and asked if I was pregnant.
She has criticised how I look, that my hair/clothes etc were awful. I’ve been told that people laugh at me behind my back and I had no real friends. If I did the smallest thing wrong I’d be roared and shouted at. I have honestly never met someone so critical which led me to doubt myself and to always feel like everything bad that happened was my own fault.
My childhood and even the time until I bought my house last year consisted of me being on constant edge about what the next episode of abuse would be. She has also had episodes of calling me a liar for no good reason.
Last month when I went home for a family dinner, I saw her eyeing me up and down so knew in my head she didn’t like my outfit. I found myself making sure I wasn’t left on my own with her at any stage which at the age of 31 upset me to say the least.
In my 20s and over the last few years I’ve began to deal with it better. I’m quite good at not taking comments personally but my life has changed so much for the better since I bought my own house.
I’ve done jobs around by myself which is something that I’d never be able to do according to her for as long as I can remember.
It still upsets me thinking about some awful experiences and when I told my boyfriend some of it I got really really upset so it has impacted me and probably always will.
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I dont speak to my parents anymore. Its been years since ive seen them. Unlike others I dont recall my childhood being a bad one. Its really only as I got older I started to view things differently. My mum is difficult, not one for self reflection or accepting any sort of responsibility. I guess my relationship with them came strings attached. We have had our arguments over the years, wouldnt speak, then back talking but never really resolving anything. She is a cold person, i dont ever recall feeling like I was a priority growing up, hugs rare, never told we were loved. Although I always knew we were it was never said. Never felt like what I did was good enough. Was much closer to my dad and actually the breakdown of that relationship broke my heart. He was always someone I trusted, someone I felt had my back untill of course he didnt.
The betrayal I have experienced in the last number of years has really impacted my life, how I see people, I dont allow anyone in anymore. I have opted out of life in a way the last few years.
For me the things they did and said are unforgivable. Sometimes I think we will speak again and other times I think life is too short to have people like that in my life.
The betrayal I have experienced in the last number of years has really impacted my life, how I see people, I dont allow anyone in anymore. I have opted out of life in a way the last few years.
For me the things they did and said are unforgivable. Sometimes I think we will speak again and other times I think life is too short to have people like that in my life.
PrincessCharming
VIP Member
When there’s a news report about care homes that have failed checks, I say to my husband “write the name of that place down, I’ll need it for my mother” 
I will not be dragged into caring for my parents when they’re elderly, no chance.
I will not be dragged into caring for my parents when they’re elderly, no chance.
Lady Macbeth
Member
My late mother was very loving while my father was rather selfish. My mum was a Holocaust survivor whose whole family were murdered by the Nazis in Poland. She would cry for her mother her whole life. Essentially I have second generation trauma.
curious truth seeker
Member
My childhood is something I’ve only come to terms with in the last year through correct therapy
I have always suffered with anxiety, social and in general
I wouldn’t answer the phone Or the door at it’s worst in my teenage years or the door
Until last year I was a fully functioning social path
Now Iam much more healed
I was sexually abused by my father As well as verbally and physical
In my childhood I had always hated on him with the dream he would die I would be able to tell my mother what was going on and she would forgive me for being distant and love me
I mean how messed up did they have me
It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I finally came to terms with her involvement
There was this broken child in front of her scared and distant and she would make me write letter to her apologising for my behaviour As well as other shit
It’s breaks me to even write this out what kind of mother does that to there child
why where they like that
I’ve no idea, their arseholes I know that much
This is just a basic outline there’s so much
But I wouldn’t bore anyone with the full story
I have always suffered with anxiety, social and in general
I wouldn’t answer the phone Or the door at it’s worst in my teenage years or the door
Until last year I was a fully functioning social path
Now Iam much more healed
I was sexually abused by my father As well as verbally and physical
In my childhood I had always hated on him with the dream he would die I would be able to tell my mother what was going on and she would forgive me for being distant and love me
I mean how messed up did they have me
It wasn’t until about 5 years ago that I finally came to terms with her involvement
There was this broken child in front of her scared and distant and she would make me write letter to her apologising for my behaviour As well as other shit
It’s breaks me to even write this out what kind of mother does that to there child
why where they like that
I’ve no idea, their arseholes I know that much
This is just a basic outline there’s so much
But I wouldn’t bore anyone with the full story
MunHun
VIP Member
Hi all, I have creates this thread as quite a few of us on the Secret Celeb Gossip threads shared some stories regarding our upbringing and it seems many of us found it interesting and maybe even a little comforting to know we weren’t alone. Please feel free to share your experiences, thoughts and feelings in here. I hope that we can offer each other some solace. Personally speaking I find that my childhood caused me to have very low self esteem which led to all kinds of destructive behaviours. As I’ve grown older I have learned my triggers and do a much better job of regulating my emotions however there will always be a child inside of me desperate to be loved unconditionally.
Gym&Tonic
VIP Member
I think there should be some kind of test people have before having children to see whether or not they are narcissists. Narcs genuinely shouldn’t be allowed to reproduce because they cause their offspring so much damage. Even the so called ’Golden Children’ end up seriously fucked up by how they were raised. Narcs are not capable of being decent parents, or spouses for that matter.
SonicTheSpikeyThing
Chatty Member
my mums just a complete narcissist. My childhood sucked. She was abusive to me my brother. My dad. No idea why he stuck with her. She kicked me out at 14 for the first time because I didn’t have a job. She was an alcoholic. I could go on but my my comment would be sooo long.
every So often she’ll maliciously report us to children’s services with the most horrendous and vile claims of child abuse. So we have to be investigated. All so she can try and get my son in her care. (She had a bedroom set up at her house for the day he “comes home”) over my dead body. tells everyone my son is hers.
thankfully the case is quickly closed and marked as malicious but the vile claims she spouts means we have to be investigated.
It’s like she ruined my childhood, now she’d trying to ruin my future and my sons life. we’re expecting our second now and I am terrified for when she finds out.
Thankfully all our other family members have seen through her now, and a lot of members of the community where she lives due to her own wrongdoings with them too.
honestly I could rant about her all day. I still feel so lost because I’ve never really had that motherly figure in my life. I’ve been told to stop blaming myself for that because it’s not my fault but it still hurts.
every So often she’ll maliciously report us to children’s services with the most horrendous and vile claims of child abuse. So we have to be investigated. All so she can try and get my son in her care. (She had a bedroom set up at her house for the day he “comes home”) over my dead body. tells everyone my son is hers.
thankfully the case is quickly closed and marked as malicious but the vile claims she spouts means we have to be investigated.
It’s like she ruined my childhood, now she’d trying to ruin my future and my sons life. we’re expecting our second now and I am terrified for when she finds out.
Thankfully all our other family members have seen through her now, and a lot of members of the community where she lives due to her own wrongdoings with them too.
honestly I could rant about her all day. I still feel so lost because I’ve never really had that motherly figure in my life. I’ve been told to stop blaming myself for that because it’s not my fault but it still hurts.
MunHun
VIP Member
Yes I got told in a fit of anger over something completely trivial that I was an accident. I’ll never forget that it was like a punch to the gut as it was said with such venom. I’ve learned after many many therapy sessions not to expect my mother to mother me. It took an awful lot of work but I have learned not to tell her my problems as I had always hoped she would have something reassuring or comforting to say, she never once did. Anything she did say back would make me feel worse than whatever the original thing did.
MunHun
VIP Member
Feel free to share. I wouldn’t describe myself as having a narcissistic Mother. Mine was emotionally distant, un-affectionate, hyper irritable, critical and said some really hurtful comments when I was a very young child.
PantisShatis
New member
Glad you started this thread - I’m always looking for excuse to bash my parents for the shit things they did in my upbringing lol.
hypoharpy
Well-known member
Please don't do it. My mother was a flaming narcissist too. She manipulated me so I said she could live with us when she got older . Thankfully my husband nipped that in the bud. You're not being mean my love - she'll ruin your life and if you're like me you'll have worked hard to overcome your childhood - you and your family come first.
Fairy dust munch
Member
I have similar conflicting emotions. I'm not sure if my mother is a narc I think it's more to do with her life and a long held resentment. Her childhood was strict and religious. She escaped to do her nurses training in London and was loving her life. Then her parents had a surprise baby and she was forced back home to look after him. She hated it. Unfortunately she then fell pregnant with me and to save face married my dad, (he was aware that I wasn't his, she doesn't know who my father is).
For all of my life this has been my fault. She was trapped and unhappy and nasty to me, my friends, anyone who ever praised me was knocked down. She loved to embarrass me in public. My two younger sisters also suffered but maybe not as badly. We all walked on egg shells though as she was often angry at us for no good reason. We all left home at 17 but now my sisters are far and wide and I'm left with the looking after my parents as they are now both in their eighties. My most conflicting emotion is that I don't want to be there, and I get really angry. I would put them both in an old people's home but my mum would be the most hated resident as she is still rude and obnoxious. Also my sisters are thinking about their inheritance. She now sits in her chair day in and day out expecting to be waited on by me and my dad. I haven't explained this very well but don't want to look after her and I don't see why I should. But am I now being as bad as her with built up resentment? I know there are no answers but I feel that if I tried to explain how much I hate my mum irl I would be the one in the wrong. Sorry for the long post.
For all of my life this has been my fault. She was trapped and unhappy and nasty to me, my friends, anyone who ever praised me was knocked down. She loved to embarrass me in public. My two younger sisters also suffered but maybe not as badly. We all walked on egg shells though as she was often angry at us for no good reason. We all left home at 17 but now my sisters are far and wide and I'm left with the looking after my parents as they are now both in their eighties. My most conflicting emotion is that I don't want to be there, and I get really angry. I would put them both in an old people's home but my mum would be the most hated resident as she is still rude and obnoxious. Also my sisters are thinking about their inheritance. She now sits in her chair day in and day out expecting to be waited on by me and my dad. I haven't explained this very well but don't want to look after her and I don't see why I should. But am I now being as bad as her with built up resentment? I know there are no answers but I feel that if I tried to explain how much I hate my mum irl I would be the one in the wrong. Sorry for the long post.
The only advice I can give is if he ever brings it up, listen and talk to him about it. So many things happened to me that when I tried to speak to my mum about she either didn't want to discuss it, told me 'others have it worse' or it was brushed under the carpet for everyone to forget about but me. That has been the real struggle for me, and therefore whenever something does happen I keep it bottle up because I never had that safe space to talk about it.
MunHun
VIP Member
I’m sorry for everyone who has shared their story for the pain that you have all suffered and how that affects you to this day. It is true our childhood shapes our whole lives and it’s hard to shake deep rooted behaviours. To this day I would be by default a very detached and cold person unless you knew me well, it takes me so long to let my guard down. Peoples first impressions of me are always that I’m stuck up and that couldn’t be further from the truth I’m actually petrified most of the time. I found having my first child really turned my life around for the better, it made me so aware of habits, emotions and patterns. I am a warm affectionate parent and I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s the only part of my life that feels completely natural and not like I’m forcing something. I do have a wonderful partner who knows how I am and is very patient with me which has also helped me heal so much but I think I will always feel like the odd one out in social situations.
Silverback
VIP Member
You are NOT being mean! It’s sensible and normal to want to prioritise your mental health over helping out someone who has caused you a lot of pain and misery. Do NOT upend your life for her!
1001 others
VIP Member
My mother is a textbook narcissist. My elder sister is the golden child and always got the attention and praise. Anything I did was met with a, 'Hmmm,' and condescending glare. My home life was toxic so I moved out as soon as I got a job (at 17), which made my mother loathe me even more. My first job was as Office Junior working for a merchant bank; she was so, so jealous. She'd constantly "pop in" to my place of work which was not only embarrassing, but it was inappropriate - and it was frowned upon by my employers which, after telling her was the case, made her do it even more!
Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."
Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.
Like others who previously posted, my mother is extremely critical of other women. She will be watching someone on TV and say, "I don't like that tart," - stuff like that. Or, worse, give people evil glares when out in public - people she doesn't even know! It's just such odd behaviour. When she talks about people from other cultures, she'll refer to them as "their people" and if she finds out someone is in a same-sex relationship she'll screw her nose up and say they're "dirty."
Fast forward many years and my sister is living far, far away and my mother is still living in the very large, two-storey, family home but in her late 70s and really needing to downsize. Guess where she wants to live, and guess who's feeling pressure from other family members for that to happen? I'm like, "NOOOO," but my husband thinks it would be doable, if we built her a separate dwelling on our land. I just know in my heart of hearts that she would try and ruin my marriage, friendships, quality of life - everything. She's a very mean-spirited person and will never change. But then I'm conflicted with thinking she probably doesn't have much longer and I'm being mean ... it's so bloody stressful.
My mother only gave me attention in public, and I could never get her actual attention when I most needed it growing up. Unfortunately her attention was solely focused on my father, because he was an abusive, alcoholic, junkie and she just enabled his behaviour by staying with him and allowing it to happen. Even now, still married and playing happy families which I refuse to be a part of. Our immediate family knew exactly what was going on at home and no one did anything to help. I have so much anger and resentment in me about my childhood and my mother. I have no emotion towards my dad. He could die tomorrow and I wouldn't even care. I can't understand why my mother allowed all these things to happen and I will never be able to forgive her for it. She stripped away my childhood and teenage years for her own selfish needs.