Toddler advice thread #4

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Whilst phrases mean one thing to us as adults, who can process and interpritate sentence structures, they mean something completely different to a child who's imagination drives 95% of their personality.

Words like this, or to this effect is why we now have adults riddled with anxiety, because topics such as these were broached exactly like this in the 80s/90s.

Exactly this!!! My dad was a police man ( retired now ) and growing up he was abit over board. He’d always tell me not to get changed in my room with the curtains open , any man on their own looking dodgy he’d say something about them . He still now tells me not to be in my house alone with the door unlocked. Tells me not to leave my purse in my car etc. it’s kind of all drilled into me but I am an anxious mess. Especially when In the house on my own at night. Even now as a 28 year old I absolutely hate it cos all I can think about is someone breaking in.

 

[al255]

Exactly this!!! My dad was a police man ( retired now ) and growing up he was abit over board. He’d always tell me not to get changed in my room with the curtains open , any man on their own looking dodgy he’d say something about them . He still now tells me not to be in my house alone with the door unlocked. Tells me not to leave my purse in my car etc. it’s kind of all drilled into me but I am an anxious mess. Especially when In the house on my own at night. Even now as a 28 year old I absolutely hate it cos all I can think about is someone breaking in.

the above is me! I lock my doors and car door when I’m in it. I check every window and door when I’m about to go to bed, alarm is set for downstairs and even when we go abroad or to a hotel I put a chair behind the door!

ok fair maybe I shouldn’t use language like “if you run into the road you might get hit by a car and die” but it’s drastic enough for her to not do it again

 

[I’mThankyou_]

Exactly this!!! My dad was a police man ( retired now ) and growing up he was abit over board. He’d always tell me not to get changed in my room with the curtains open , any man on their own looking dodgy he’d say something about them . He still now tells me not to be in my house alone with the door unlocked. Tells me not to leave my purse in my car etc. it’s kind of all drilled into me but I am an anxious mess. Especially when In the house on my own at night. Even now as a 28 year old I absolutely hate it cos all I can think about is someone breaking in.

We were often threatened with the "naughty children's home" and Christ it put the fear of god into me.
I still misbehaved though, because the children's home never materialised.
In reality, my parents should of got down to my level and reasoned with me in an appropriate way and offered me an alternative solution.

 

[al255]

I know! I wouldn’t tell my older kids that at the ages they are now! I honestly feel traumatised for the little girl having to hear it. Stay close or you’ll be taken. Stay close or you will die.

I’ve said it twice to her. It’s not a common occurance no harm done. She’s not going to grow up to be an anxious mess cos two times at 3 years old I’ve told her not to run off or go near the road cos it’s not safe and I’ve been drastic about the wording when I’ve told her in less dramatic ways and it doesn’t get my point across.
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We were often threatened with the "naughty children's home" and Christ it put the fear of god into me.
I still misbehaved though, because the children's home never materialised.
In reality, my parents should of got down to my level and reasoned with me in an appropriate way and offered me an alternative solution.

My Dad always used to tell me if we were naughty we’d get sent to a naughty boys and girls school. I’m talking being 8, 9, 10 years old. My dad used to shout when we were naughty and it doesn’t do anything. Granted there’s days I shout at mini A but it makes the situation worse

 

[I’mThankyou_]

I’ve said it twice to her. It’s not a common occurance no harm done. She’s not going to grow up to be an anxious mess cos two times at 3 years old I’ve told her not to run off or go near the road cos it’s not safe and I’ve been drastic about the wording when I’ve told her in less dramatic ways and it doesn’t get my point across.

But how can you be sure no harm is done?
Unfortunately sometimes they just don't understand the point, because they're too young and it's down to you to continue to teach them until they do understand

 

[Jellybean093]

13 year old daughter who struggles daily with anxiety. Our relationship was at rock bottom for years because I struggled in the early days with her. We are ONLY getting back on track now. I’ve missed so much of her life being angry at her all the time for doing ‘normal’ toddler/kid things
Kids are sent to test us

 

[I’mThankyou_]

I’ve said it twice to her. It’s not a common occurance no harm done. She’s not going to grow up to be an anxious mess cos two times at 3 years old I’ve told her not to run off or go near the road cos it’s not safe and I’ve been drastic about the wording when I’ve told her in less dramatic ways and it doesn’t get my point across.
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My Dad always used to tell me if we were naughty we’d get sent to a naughty boys and girls school. I’m talking being 8, 9, 10 years old. My dad used to shout when we were naughty and it doesn’t do anything. Granted there’s days I shout at mini A but it makes the situation worse

You could say that about using the words "you will die" though, it doesn't do much but make it worse, because they're expecting an outcome that never arrives, much like the children's home.
I wouldn't expect a 3/4/5 year old to understand the meaning of death, or the consequences that followed running into the road.
Developmentally they just aren't there yet. It's just perseverance. Like with everything it's a phase, the understanding for road safety does come with age & once the logical side of their brain can understand action and consequence.

 

[Definitelyme]

I’ve said it twice to her. It’s not a common occurance no harm done. She’s not going to grow up to be an anxious mess cos two times at 3 years old I’ve told her not to run off or go near the road cos it’s not safe and I’ve been drastic about the wording when I’ve told her in less dramatic ways and it doesn’t get my point across.
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You have no idea if she will keep that in her mind or not. Honestly, I doubt you’d speak that way to an adult so why you think it’s ok to say it to a child (and laughing face about it) is beyond me.

 

[al255]

You have no idea if she will keep that in her mind or not. Honestly, I doubt you’d speak that way to an adult so why you think it’s ok to say it to a child (and laughing face about it) is beyond me.

I doubt she will remember it she doesn’t remember one thing to the next half the time.

Anywayyyyy let’s move on from the words I use for my child, I was giving one example to someone about what I said to my daughter about running into the road. And it’s happened once and never since.

This isn’t mumsnet..

 

[I’mThankyou_]

I doubt she will remember it she doesn’t remember one thing to the next half the time.

Anywayyyyy let’s move on from the words I use for my child, I was giving one example to someone about what I said to my daughter about running into the road. And it’s happened once and never since.

This isn’t mumsnet..

Well I mean, you keep posting about it, so don't be surprised when people react

You also seem insistent on being dismissive and rude to Mama Me above, when she's been nothing but kind and helpful.

There are plenty of studies of the use of language and trauma association to children. It changes chemical pathways in the brain, I'd have a read of some if I were you, you'll be surprised at what their brain stores as a memory.

 

[al255]

Well I mean, you keep posting about it, so don't be surprised when people react

You also seem insistent on being dismissive and rude to Mama Me above, when she's been nothing but kind and helpful.

i’m replying back to people. Me telling my child she might die if she gets hit by a car is fact. It happens.

MIGHT being the key factor in the sentence. I doubt it’s going to impact her as an adult. Maybe if I said it over and over again until she was 14. I’ve said it once. Yes my wording to her was harsh but she realised enough it was wrong to do so.

Sorry if the way I’ve come across to anyone is being rude.

 

[WhatABore]

i’m replying back to people. Me telling my child she might die if she gets hit by a car is fact. It happens.

MIGHT being the key factor in the sentence. I doubt it’s going to impact her as an adult. Maybe if I said it over and over again until she was 14. I’ve said it once. Yes my wording to her was harsh but she realised enough it was wrong to do so.

Sorry if the way I’ve come across to anyone is being rude.

To be honest, I remember quite a lot of things my Mum said to me as a child. As far back as before I started school.
Even things she only said once.
I can even remember exactly what she was wearing when she said certain things too

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

For the parents of kids who run off, from my own personal experience we just absolutely drilled it into my daughter that there are certain rules we always have to follow. Eg in a car park or on a pavement we have to hold hands, in the supermarket she has to keep hold of the trolley or pushchair etc. I’ve never used language like her being taken or die, but I have said it’s so I can protect her body from getting hurt because she’s still little compared to big adults or cars. And the balance to that is we try as much as possible to take her to places where she CAN run off. Eg a big open space/park or to a soft play. It’s now at the point where I would trust her to walk alongside me and not run off (at 3) but as soon as we get out of a car she will reach up to hold my hand because “those are the rules”

 

[smellsofbiscuits]

To be honest, I think we're damned if we do and damned if we don't with kids sometimes My 5yo is going through the death obsession stage due to one of our neighbours sadly passing away just before Christmas. My partner and I weren't sure how to broach this especially as we don't believe in an afterlife. We kept everything as factual as we could, based on articles we found on the Cbeebies website. But we still worry about whether we said the wrong thing or not. He does ask questions about whether someone would die if they were hit by a car or if a plane crashed and I just reply very factual to say yes, that could result in someone dying then try to move the conversation onto something else.

I've also given the same child an absolute bollocking at the age of 3 when he took his shoes off in the car and threw them at my partner's head whilst he was driving. There's times to apply gentle parenting and then there's times where we have to be a little bit stricter. I wouldn't have an issue with absolutely drilling road safety into my child. My 2yo is horrendous on the school run and he's kept in the buggy now, much to his disgust. But he refuses to hold my hand on the walk so tough - in the buggy he goes.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Fabulous. Been waiting 4 years for boy to speak and I called one of our rabbits a little bugger for escaping. And what does he say!!! Bugger

 

[al255]

Has anyone watched the 24 hours in police custody with Nikki Reave? the poor little boy. It baffles me why some people have children

 

[WhatABore]

Has anyone watched the 24 hours in police custody with Nikki Reave? the poor little boy. It baffles me why some people have children

Rikki was in the place where I live now.

My partner was in the same woods the same day Rikki was found. Saw all the police searching and everything

 

[al255]

Rikki was in the place where I live now.

My partner was in the same woods the same day Rikki was found. Saw all the police searching and everything

Oh my word!! I’ve got half of episode 2 left to watch, it’s just so sad.

 

[Definitelyme]

Fabulous. Been waiting 4 years for boy to speak and I called one of our rabbits a little bugger for escaping. And what does he say!!! Bugger

And I bet you’re delighted hopefully the start of lots of chat (maybe not buggar )

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

And I bet you’re delighted hopefully the start of lots of chat (maybe not buggar )

Oh I definitely am. It made me laugh I just thought flipping typical I had to say that and he repeat it. I just said yeah BUNNY