Toddler advice thread #4

[Definitelyme]

Really struggling with my 3.5 year old and her behaviour. It’s just the two of us at home and she attends nursery full time 4 days a week (and has done since she was 10 months).

She doesn’t listen to me. At all. It’s like I’m not in the room. Ignores everything I say. Lashes out if she can’t get her own way. A few moments ago she put a cat toy on my leg and the cat immediately jumped on my legs with his claws out, she does this all the time knowing what the cat will do. She throws things and hits me during these rages too. I don’t get where she’s learning it, I monitor her screen time, I tend to follow a gentle parenting style (where possible). I don’t know how to stop the meltdown/rage episodes once they start. It’s getting where I’m scared to take her anywhere through fear of it happening in public

That sounds really rough for you both. You seem to be blaming yourself, thinking it’s something you’ve done, but please don’t. You cannot stop a meltdown, and it’s not a time you can get through to a child. You just need to give her a safe space to ride it out. Tell her “I’m here if you need me” and stay close. If she’s lashing out “I won’t let you hurt me, I’ll be in the other room if you need me”.
I also don’t think it’s learned behaviour, from tv or anything. She is obviously having a tough time and just reacting in the way her wee brain tells her to.
It must be extra hard when you have no back up, and nobody to take over from you when things get really tough.

 

[watermelon sugar]

Send help and a bottle of wine my toddler has been hard work today

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Send help and a bottle of wine my toddler has been hard work today

Ugh I feel you. Mine has been ok today but since 4 he’s moaned quite a lot then wouldn’t let me get him dressed after bathtime. Was running round the bed laughing and thinking it’s hilarious. I walked out and left him to it then he came to me and stubbed his toe on the door and started crying loads now I feel terrible . Bloody kids man

 

[al255]

That sounds really rough for you both. You seem to be blaming yourself, thinking it’s something you’ve done, but please don’t. You cannot stop a meltdown, and it’s not a time you can get through to a child. You just need to give her a safe space to ride it out. Tell her “I’m here if you need me” and stay close. If she’s lashing out “I won’t let you hurt me, I’ll be in the other room if you need me”.
I also don’t think it’s learned behaviour, from tv or anything. She is obviously having a tough time and just reacting in the way her wee brain tells her to.
It must be extra hard when you have no back up, and nobody to take over from you when things get really tough.

I agree with this validation/ acknowledging your child’s behaviour - mini A was fuming cos I took the shower head off her in the bath, I use it to wash her hair and she kept spraying it out the bath and at me and wasn’t listening to me, 3rd warning was said so I took it off her and turned it off, she still had shampoo on her hair When I went to get changed she got out the bath and said out and I said no, we need to wash your shampoo off and she was SCREAMING. I got her back in the bath and quickly rinsed the shampoo off, more screaming (the whiny screaming that was making my ears bleed)…. I got her out the bath and wrapped her up in the towel and she was cuddled into my shoulder sniffling and I explained again whilst I took the shower head off her, I said I understand why she was sad and mad at me but I gave her 3 chances to stop and said she was sorry, she ran to my bed to go and get dressed and that was it.

I find if I’m calm over the situation and give her cuddles over the issue rather than screaming and sitting her on the naughty step it’s defused a lot sooner than it would be and she doesn’t go to bed fuming and upset.. she won’t do it again though as she knows actions have consequences!

like you @Emzykins I’m a single mum, nobody to take over when my brain is going to explode when my 3 year old won’t listen. It’s gotten easier between 2 and 3 years though, she can communicate to me really well and the days I find myself shouting “all day” (or what feels like all day sometimes on the 2 midweek days we are together) are less and less.. sometimes I think OH MY WORD. But doesn’t everyone with kids

 

[Kit123]

Phew, feel like kids are the same reading this thread.
Mine has been a nightmare this weekend, she goes to her dad's tomorrow which I need!
She literally just won't leave me alone for five minutes, trying to do housework and cook Sunday dinner and she just follows me EVERYWHERE.
I don't mind but she just causes more work for me when she does, brings her toys in the tiny kitchen then I'm tripping over everything. I was trying to steam my bathroom floor and she started pulling the wire from me. I put Crufts on the Tele but she just won't sit still for five minutes right now, and naps are long gone.
She's also just being a pain in general right now, won't get dressed like it takes an actual age to manage. Won't get in the car seat.
I get a bit fed up because I take her out and do all this stuff with her and she just plays up with me.
Like this weekend we took a long walk in the snow, went to the cinema, went to the park and the shops.
She literally ran rings around me in the shops even though I was buying her Easter crafts to do.
Said Easter crafts were also a nightmare because she just ran away with all the stuff
I just need to rant right now

.

 

[pinksunsetx91]

My little guy turned 3 on Wednesday although technically he isn’t even 1 yet cos he is a leap day baby and it hasn’t been his actual birthday yet

Hope your wee one had a good birthday my son turned 3 on 1st of March

Has anyone been to Haven? Thinking of taking my daughter this year, single parent now so can't afford (and too nervous ) to take her abroad this year! Lady year we went to Tenerife as a family.
She will be pretty much three by the time we go, just wondering what's included etc

We go have been to Blackpool haven last two years and are going back this year again my son loved doing the arts and craft activities (they do cost extra and had to pre book) but also the swimming which is free and can go to everyday. They have free entertainment (kids clubs/bingo/singer etc). I still have fond memories of similar holidays at pontins from my childhood. I’m sure you would both enjoy yourself
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TRIGGER WARNING: SUICIDAL TALK
Anyone else’s toddler just absolutely obsessed with their daddy? I thought it would be a phase for a few weeks and he’d get over it. But still months down the line he only wants his daddy. When he hurts himself, when he’s at the park, playing at home, getting out of his car seat, bathing and putting to bed, getting up in the morning.
He literally has a tantrum if he’s with me on my own and just cries ‘daddy’ all the time.
If I’m totally honest I feel so low and very upset by it. I had a traumatic birth following ivf with my son so the journey hasn’t been great, and I’ve always felt I’ve struggled with bonding, and this just makes it even harder and settles how I feel when I say I don’t have a good relationship with him.
I’m currently having counselling and EMDR therapy for my birth trauma although I’m in the early stages so not feeling much benefit right now. My son just hurt himself by hitting his head on the corner of the radiator and he let out the strangest cry and could tell he really hurt himself badly so I ran to him and tried to comfort him but he just pushed me away and cried more until his daddy came.
So I’ve just had to get out the house for a walk to try not to cry. I don’t know how much longer I can feel like this.
I spend more time with him as my husband works full time, I take him to fun places most days, I try so so hard to make his days exciting but this is how I get treated.
I just feel broken and totally useless.
I’ve really thought many times over the last few weeks I should just not be here anymore as i cause so much hassle & problems for people around me.
I really need to talk to someone about this as it’s really got to a bad stage now.

I don’t have any advice I just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. My son is fine with me all day then once his dad comes in he just flips telling me he doesn’t want me, won’t let me hug him, doesn’t want me when he wakes during the night tells me to get away. Says I don’t want you mummy now go away. I had trouble bonding with him and also had post natal depression when he was 4 months and didn’t receive treatment for it and nearly ended things one day as I truly believed he hated me and would be better off without me. The last few days I feel I’m back in that dark place and he hates me and would be better without me. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know your not alone it can be so hard especially when you feel like this x

 

[watermelon sugar]

@pinksunsetx91 Aw thanks so much! He did have a great day even though he was full of cold. Technically he is a leap day baby he was born on the 29th Feb but we celebrate on the 1st March! Hope your little boy had a great day too!!

 

[al255]

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just need some advice on bedtime - every night it ends up with me getting shouty and my 3 year old in tears over books!!!!!!

Our bedtime routine is peaceful, quiet and it’s literally me and her. The iPad goes away after bathtime at 7.15pm and I always ask her to pick 2-3 books depending on how tired she is and then tell her to “say goodnight” to the rest of the books so she knows that’s it.

After I’ve read the books she’s picked herself she always gets in a screaming crying fit of being upset cos she wants another book that she hasn’t picked. I tell her before she picks the books you can’t have any more etc and it always ends up with her just SCREAMING, crying, and being upset before she goes to sleep and I’m sick of it. It’s stressing me out and I don’t want her to keep going to bed upset.

Any advice? It’s not as if she doesn’t understand cos some nights in the past it’s been fine and we’ve not had the tears! I’m at my wits end. I’m tired and it’s so hard when we’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to do at 7:35pm is get pissed off and it ruins my evening cos I’ve had a go at her! Just pissed off and don’t know what else to do.

 

[Hairraiser]

Hope your wee one had a good birthday my son turned 3 on 1st of March



We go have been to Blackpool haven last two years and are going back this year again my son loved doing the arts and craft activities (they do cost extra and had to pre book) but also the swimming which is free and can go to everyday. They have free entertainment (kids clubs/bingo/singer etc). I still have fond memories of similar holidays at pontins from my childhood. I’m sure you would both enjoy yourself
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I don’t have any advice I just wanted to say I’m in the same boat. My son is fine with me all day then once his dad comes in he just flips telling me he doesn’t want me, won’t let me hug him, doesn’t want me when he wakes during the night tells me to get away. Says I don’t want you mummy now go away. I had trouble bonding with him and also had post natal depression when he was 4 months and didn’t receive treatment for it and nearly ended things one day as I truly believed he hated me and would be better off without me. The last few days I feel I’m back in that dark place and he hates me and would be better without me. I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know your not alone it can be so hard especially when you feel like this x

Thank you so much for your reply.
So sorry to hear you’re going through a rough time too.
let’s hope it soon starts to get better for us

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just need some advice on bedtime - every night it ends up with me getting shouty and my 3 year old in tears over books!!!!!!

Our bedtime routine is peaceful, quiet and it’s literally me and her. The iPad goes away after bathtime at 7.15pm and I always ask her to pick 2-3 books depending on how tired she is and then tell her to “say goodnight” to the rest of the books so she knows that’s it.

After I’ve read the books she’s picked herself she always gets in a screaming crying fit of being upset cos she wants another book that she hasn’t picked. I tell her before she picks the books you can’t have any more etc and it always ends up with her just SCREAMING, crying, and being upset before she goes to sleep and I’m sick of it. It’s stressing me out and I don’t want her to keep going to bed upset.

Any advice? It’s not as if she doesn’t understand cos some nights in the past it’s been fine and we’ve not had the tears! I’m at my wits end. I’m tired and it’s so hard when we’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to do at 7:35pm is get pissed off and it ruins my evening cos I’ve had a go at her! Just pissed off and don’t know what else to do.

it sounds like the routine isn’t working right now and something needs to change. Could you try two books in one location, then the third book in bed?
Is she overtired by this point?

 

[Jellybean093]

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just need some advice on bedtime - every night it ends up with me getting shouty and my 3 year old in tears over books!!!!!!

Our bedtime routine is peaceful, quiet and it’s literally me and her. The iPad goes away after bathtime at 7.15pm and I always ask her to pick 2-3 books depending on how tired she is and then tell her to “say goodnight” to the rest of the books so she knows that’s it.

After I’ve read the books she’s picked herself she always gets in a screaming crying fit of being upset cos she wants another book that she hasn’t picked. I tell her before she picks the books you can’t have any more etc and it always ends up with her just SCREAMING, crying, and being upset before she goes to sleep and I’m sick of it. It’s stressing me out and I don’t want her to keep going to bed upset.

Any advice? It’s not as if she doesn’t understand cos some nights in the past it’s been fine and we’ve not had the tears! I’m at my wits end. I’m tired and it’s so hard when we’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to do at 7:35pm is get pissed off and it ruins my evening cos I’ve had a go at her! Just pissed off and don’t know what else to do.

Take away the iPad at 6. Leave her in bed with a nightlight and a book for her to read.
She’s probably just pushing your buttons, seeing how far she can get

 

[I’mThankyou_]

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just need some advice on bedtime - every night it ends up with me getting shouty and my 3 year old in tears over books!!!!!!

Our bedtime routine is peaceful, quiet and it’s literally me and her. The iPad goes away after bathtime at 7.15pm and I always ask her to pick 2-3 books depending on how tired she is and then tell her to “say goodnight” to the rest of the books so she knows that’s it.

After I’ve read the books she’s picked herself she always gets in a screaming crying fit of being upset cos she wants another book that she hasn’t picked. I tell her before she picks the books you can’t have any more etc and it always ends up with her just SCREAMING, crying, and being upset before she goes to sleep and I’m sick of it. It’s stressing me out and I don’t want her to keep going to bed upset.

Any advice? It’s not as if she doesn’t understand cos some nights in the past it’s been fine and we’ve not had the tears! I’m at my wits end. I’m tired and it’s so hard when we’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to do at 7:35pm is get pissed off and it ruins my evening cos I’ve had a go at her! Just pissed off and don’t know what else to do.

Is it worth putting the ipad away before bath time and having her pick her books before she is bathed?
Reassure her you will read the two books she's picked and discuss what order she would like them reading in and keep confirming its just the two books and then it's bedtime?

 

[al255]

it sounds like the routine isn’t working right now and something needs to change. Could you try two books in one location, then the third book in bed?
Is she overtired by this point?

I was thinking 2 books in my bed as that’s where she is before bed then one final book in her bed and starting book time earlier. It’s always “one more book” and the screaming starts
---

Take away the iPad at 6. Leave her in bed with a nightlight and a book for her to read.
She’s probably just pushing your buttons, seeing how far she can get

iPad away at 6 doesn’t fit in at all, bathtime isn’t usually until 6:30pm as atm she doesn’t want a long bath, so she’s out by 6:45pm. Dressed at 7pm and she has 15 mins of ipad, taking the iPad away is never a problem it’s the books she’s kicking off over! Just fed up of the screaming over books

 

[Jellybean093]

I was thinking 2 books in my bed as that’s where she is before bed then one final book in her bed and starting book time earlier. It’s always “one more book” and the screaming starts
---


iPad away at 6 doesn’t fit in at all, bathtime isn’t usually until 6:30pm as atm she doesn’t want a long bath, so she’s out by 6:45pm. Dressed at 7pm and she has 15 mins of ipad, taking the iPad away is never a problem it’s the books she’s kicking off over! Just fed up of the screaming over books

Her mind will be running wild because of the iPad and the blue screen. Maybe you will just have to take the iPad away completely?
I’m not against the iPad btw. My 3yo has it before bed, however, it would be the first to go if he started playing up. He can chill and watch tv rather than that

 

[al255]

Her mind will be running wild because of the iPad and the blue screen. Maybe you will just have to take the iPad away completely?
I’m not against the iPad btw. My 3yo has it before bed, however, it would be the first to go if he started playing up. He can chill and watch tv rather than that

If I didn’t give her the iPad after bedtime for 15 mins she would kick off, it’s easier just to give it to her for 15 mins. Although………. We could read 10 books in the time and she would still kick off she wants one more

 

[I’mThankyou_]

If I didn’t give her the iPad after bedtime for 15 mins she would kick off, it’s easier just to give it to her for 15 mins. Although………. We could read 10 books in the time and she would still kick off she wants one more

I'll be honest here, but it sounds like there's a power struggle. You're the mum, you're the boss, it's your way or the highway.
If she knows you'll give in she'll continue to push boundaries.
Sometimes it takes a week of being firm for them to see that mum means business and I can't get my own way.

It's a rough ride, but sometimes it's the only way.

 

[Jellybean093]

If I didn’t give her the iPad after bedtime for 15 mins she would kick off, it’s easier just to give it to her for 15 mins. Although………. We could read 10 books in the time and she would still kick off she wants one more

What is she watching on the iPad? I’ve been there with things being easy. Trust me, if anyone gives In to their kids demands, it’s me

 

[xoxo GG]

Hi,

Hope everyone is doing ok.

Just need some advice on bedtime - every night it ends up with me getting shouty and my 3 year old in tears over books!!!!!!

Our bedtime routine is peaceful, quiet and it’s literally me and her. The iPad goes away after bathtime at 7.15pm and I always ask her to pick 2-3 books depending on how tired she is and then tell her to “say goodnight” to the rest of the books so she knows that’s it.

After I’ve read the books she’s picked herself she always gets in a screaming crying fit of being upset cos she wants another book that she hasn’t picked. I tell her before she picks the books you can’t have any more etc and it always ends up with her just SCREAMING, crying, and being upset before she goes to sleep and I’m sick of it. It’s stressing me out and I don’t want her to keep going to bed upset.

Any advice? It’s not as if she doesn’t understand cos some nights in the past it’s been fine and we’ve not had the tears! I’m at my wits end. I’m tired and it’s so hard when we’ve had a long day and the last thing I want to do at 7:35pm is get pissed off and it ruins my evening cos I’ve had a go at her! Just pissed off and don’t know what else to do.

We do everything probably a little mixed up to the conventional way. She has her bath, teeth brushed etc, then we do her book whilst she dries off slightly before we sort her hair/get into pyjamas, we have the tommee tippee sleep trainer clock so once she is dressed and ready for bed this is when I change it to the night mode. She watches one short youtube video/an episode of Bluey and then helps to plug the iPad in (which she says is putting it to sleep) and then it’s time for sleep.

Some nights there can be extra fuss where she desperately wants to play with a random toy , look at a book, but I can normally play it down by letting her have a little list of what she’d like to do tomorrow after nursery etc. Sometimes we have throw in little games to divert attention away like who can get under the covers quickest, which teddy should Mummy have for bedtime etc. 98% of the time bedtime is smooth, but it’s taken us a lot of flexing and changing to find out what works for her to make sure she’s winding down and is settled enough to go to sleep.

 

[Definitelyme]

If I didn’t give her the iPad after bedtime for 15 mins she would kick off, it’s easier just to give it to her for 15 mins. Although………. We could read 10 books in the time and she would still kick off she wants one more

I agree with above that the iPad actually sounds like it’s all part of the same problem of her demanding her own way (like all little ones!!) and not having the tools or experience to deal with being told no.
That 15 mins could be quiet play time instead in her room, just because there is extra time it doesn’t need to be filled by you. She is plenty old enough to amuse herself for 15 mins before bed. Or alternatively if you really don’t like that, move her bath back by 15 mins so you don’t have the spare time afterwards.

 

[al255]

I agree with above that the iPad actually sounds like it’s all part of the same problem of her demanding her own way (like all little ones!!) and not having the tools or experience to deal with being told no.
That 15 mins could be quiet play time instead in her room, just because there is extra time it doesn’t need to be filled by you. She is plenty old enough to amuse herself for 15 mins before bed. Or alternatively if you really don’t like that, move her bath back by 15 mins so you don’t have the spare time afterwards.

I’m going to try tonight - no iPad, more books and see if that helps! Thanks all for your advice xxx