Toddler advice thread #4

[strawberrysunshine_x]

i don't know if i'm alone in this but has anyone noticed any signs of autism in their toddlers?

There is an ASD thread if you want to ask some things on there

ASD Toddlers

Apologies for the mega long read !! My son is just turned 3 and starting nursery in a few weeks. Most of his life so far has been lockdowns so has been pretty sheltered sadly. I’m just after some support and advice hopefully as Im worried there’s something wrong with him. Doesn’t talk Rarely...

tattle.life

 

[al255]

Mini A hasn’t slept well all week, randomly up at 3am for a few of the nights, long days at nursery and life in general. She got home from my Dads and it got to 5:30pm and she just couldn’t keep her eyes open, woke her up at 6pm and she was just sobbing, managed to give her a quick shower and changed into pjs. Asked if she wanted to watch frozen on the iPad and she said “no just sleep”.. poor soul she must be exhausted 🥲 my dad said she’s been outside at their farm since 7:50am this morning and hasn’t stopped. She refuses to go inside no wonder she’s so tired. Hopefully a chilled weekend before we go on hol next week 🥹 on the plus side, no bedtime dramas….. let’s hope she’s not up at 4am what can you do when they’re falling asleep at 6pm!

 

[ElektraWintour]

My husbands grandma has died, daughter is 3, should I tell her tomorrow? First death that she’ll sort of understand I guess. She wasn’t particularly close, grandma was 102 and in a care home so not someone we saw often and she last saw her in January. Do I sit down and tell her tomorrow or deal with it as it arises? E.g. if she sees daddy upset then explain ‘daddy is sad because great grandma has died’.

 

[Definitelyme]

My husbands grandma has died, daughter is 3, should I tell her tomorrow? First death that she’ll sort of understand I guess. She wasn’t particularly close, grandma was 102 and in a care home so not someone we saw often and she last saw her in January. Do I sit down and tell her tomorrow or deal with it as it arises? E.g. if she sees daddy upset then explain ‘daddy is sad because great grandma has died’.

Even if she didn’t see her a lot did you guys talk about her at home?
My granny died last year, and my 3rd was just about to turn 4, she hadn’t seen my granny in a while because of care home, Covid etc. but I would have visited my granny and talked about her a lot so she was very much part of our life. I told them when it happened. My older two obviously understand more and were upset, my 3rd wasn’t overly fussed as it doesn’t mean so much at that age.
If his gran isn’t someone you spoke about often, then I think the second way you mentioned is fine.

 

[xoxo GG]

My husbands grandma has died, daughter is 3, should I tell her tomorrow? First death that she’ll sort of understand I guess. She wasn’t particularly close, grandma was 102 and in a care home so not someone we saw often and she last saw her in January. Do I sit down and tell her tomorrow or deal with it as it arises? E.g. if she sees daddy upset then explain ‘daddy is sad because great grandma has died’.

My granny died last month and I told my 4 year old. They were very close though, we saw her pretty much daily, I only stopped taking her probably a week before she died. It’s hard because she understands but also doesn’t. She’s become quite fixated on using the word dead. When we go see my Grandad she announces to him that Granny isn’t here today, because she’s dead. My dad was working when we went to their house the other day and she asked if he was dead. She doesn’t understand it to be permanent or what it is, it’s almost just become another word for her to associate with someone being absent.

I always said I wanted to be honest with her though but I think it was definitely harder given how close they were and how much we saw her, as she was asking questions in the run up to her death, asking my husband why she wasn’t allowed to Granny’s house etc as I was still going.

Given what you’ve said, I don’t think there is an urgency to tell her and how you’ve mentioned it is fine. I found the child bereavement website to be helpful to have a read through and sort of help me plan what I felt was the best approach x

 

[al255]

My husbands grandma has died, daughter is 3, should I tell her tomorrow? First death that she’ll sort of understand I guess. She wasn’t particularly close, grandma was 102 and in a care home so not someone we saw often and she last saw her in January. Do I sit down and tell her tomorrow or deal with it as it arises? E.g. if she sees daddy upset then explain ‘daddy is sad because great grandma has died’.

I don’t think you should mention it at all.

When my daughters Dads Aunty died the other week, my 3 y o saw him talk about it when he came round and she was abit confused and I just said daddys had some bad news and left it at that. She had never met his Aunty either.

 

[ElektraWintour]

Thanks everyone. I think I’ll discuss as it arises. Grandma was local to us and my in laws aren’t so I’m guessing they’re probably going to come stay for the funeral and she may see them upset so might have to explain it to her then.

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Hi everyone, after a bit of advice. Just turned 4yo has been potty trained for about a year. The odd regression here and there and will still sometimes not quite get to the toilet in time but I’d say 99% of the time she’s fine, and she always notices and tells us when she has had a little accident. We still have her in pull ups on a night because I know being dry on a night is a hormonal change rather than a behavioural thing that can be taught. Question is, how many dry pull ups would you give it before trying without one? We’ve had two mornings in a row now where she’s woken up completely dry and goes to the toilet. She will also sometimes get up at 9-10pm and go for a wee by herself then take herself back to bed

 

[PillowsofFluff]

Hi everyone, after a bit of advice. Just turned 4yo has been potty trained for about a year. The odd regression here and there and will still sometimes not quite get to the toilet in time but I’d say 99% of the time she’s fine, and she always notices and tells us when she has had a little accident. We still have her in pull ups on a night because I know being dry on a night is a hormonal change rather than a behavioural thing that can be taught. Question is, how many dry pull ups would you give it before trying without one? We’ve had two mornings in a row now where she’s woken up completely dry and goes to the toilet. She will also sometimes get up at 9-10pm and go for a wee by herself then take herself back to bed

I think they say if they're dry in the morning when they wake up for about 2 weeks, then they've probably got there. So I'd give it a bit longer. But that's fab! I mean you can always try earlier and put a protector thing on the bed and just see how it goes

 

[WhatABore]

Hi everyone, after a bit of advice. Just turned 4yo has been potty trained for about a year. The odd regression here and there and will still sometimes not quite get to the toilet in time but I’d say 99% of the time she’s fine, and she always notices and tells us when she has had a little accident. We still have her in pull ups on a night because I know being dry on a night is a hormonal change rather than a behavioural thing that can be taught. Question is, how many dry pull ups would you give it before trying without one? We’ve had two mornings in a row now where she’s woken up completely dry and goes to the toilet. She will also sometimes get up at 9-10pm and go for a wee by herself then take herself back to bed

Huggies (i think it is) do sheets for the bed. They come in a pack of 7 or so I think.
We used these and if they had a bunch of dry nights dry, we'd try without and then even if they wet the bed, you just needed to change the fitted sheet and it protected the matress.
We also limited drink past 6pm to start with because especially my daughter, would guzzle drink.

We'd probably wait a week or so to try it without though.

Edited to add the Huggies mats

 

[Definitelyme]

Hi everyone, after a bit of advice. Just turned 4yo has been potty trained for about a year. The odd regression here and there and will still sometimes not quite get to the toilet in time but I’d say 99% of the time she’s fine, and she always notices and tells us when she has had a little accident. We still have her in pull ups on a night because I know being dry on a night is a hormonal change rather than a behavioural thing that can be taught. Question is, how many dry pull ups would you give it before trying without one? We’ve had two mornings in a row now where she’s woken up completely dry and goes to the toilet. She will also sometimes get up at 9-10pm and go for a wee by herself then take herself back to bed

I would give it a go if she gets herself up to the toilet. Sometimes I think knowing they have the pull up on can make them a bit lazier. My 4yo has just stopped wearing pull ups a night (despite being potty trained for over 2yrs). They were still heavy each morning but one day she asked if she could not wear them and she’s been dry ever since.

 

[al255]

Hi everyone, after a bit of advice. Just turned 4yo has been potty trained for about a year. The odd regression here and there and will still sometimes not quite get to the toilet in time but I’d say 99% of the time she’s fine, and she always notices and tells us when she has had a little accident. We still have her in pull ups on a night because I know being dry on a night is a hormonal change rather than a behavioural thing that can be taught. Question is, how many dry pull ups would you give it before trying without one? We’ve had two mornings in a row now where she’s woken up completely dry and goes to the toilet. She will also sometimes get up at 9-10pm and go for a wee by herself then take herself back to bed

my 3 year old has been dry since September every night without fail, she doesn’t drink a lot before bed and half the time never goes for a wee before bed as she says she doesn’t need one. (She’s only started potty training end of October / November and took her till she was 3 in January to have very few accidents)..

I stopped using pull ups at nighttime about 2 weeks ago and we’ve had one wee accident (typical).. but she was feeling abit off and she drank loads before going to bed and didn’t go for a wee. That was a complete one off though!

i’d say pull up for bed until she’s consistently dry for 6 + months. That’s what I based mine off.. a friend of mine still uses a pull up for her 4 year old just incase.. and another of my friends has never bothered with a pull up at all once potty trained.

I have a waterproof sheet on her mattress now so incase of any accidents it’s protected!

although - we go on holiday tomorrow and I’m taking pull ups for nighttime cos the last thing I want is her to have an accident in the hotel bed.. but it doesn’t confuse her cos the times she’s worn a pull up for bed she’s always shouted me to take her to the toilet in the middle of the night anyway.

 

[Jellybean093]

my 3 year old has been dry since September every night without fail, she doesn’t drink a lot before bed and half the time never goes for a wee before bed as she says she doesn’t need one. (She’s only started potty training end of October / November and took her till she was 3 in January to have very few accidents)..

I stopped using pull ups at nighttime about 2 weeks ago and we’ve had one wee accident (typical).. but she was feeling abit off and she drank loads before going to bed and didn’t go for a wee. That was a complete one off though!

i’d say pull up for bed until she’s consistently dry for 6 + months. That’s what I based mine off.. a friend of mine still uses a pull up for her 4 year old just incase.. and another of my friends has never bothered with a pull up at all once potty trained.

I have a waterproof sheet on her mattress now so incase of any accidents it’s protected!

although - we go on holiday tomorrow and I’m taking pull ups for nighttime cos the last thing I want is her to have an accident in the hotel bed.. but it doesn’t confuse her cos the times she’s worn a pull up for bed she’s always shouted me to take her to the toilet in the middle of the night anyway.

6 months is a bit extreme? If mine woke up with less than a weeks worth of dry nappies, then I’d remove the nappies. It’s an expensive I won’t be paying when dry. I would definitely suggest the leak proof mats. Putting her back in a pull up will confuse her

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Thanks everyone, seems to be a bit of conflicting advice but I think we will give it at least a bit longer than 2 days might see how she is in another week or so

 

[al255]

6 months is a bit extreme? If mine woke up with less than a weeks worth of dry nappies, then I’d remove the nappies. It’s an expensive I won’t be paying when dry. I would definitely suggest the leak proof mats. Putting her back in a pull up will confuse her

I use Lidl pull ups and always have done so they’re cheap (£3.25 odd a pack for 32 i think).

I had loads to use from potty training so whilst she was getting the hang of it during the day I still used one at night. It was only until my friend said she’d never used them and I realised how long she’s been wearing on at night for with no reason to is when I didn’t bother

I don’t think it’ll confuse her cos her dad was still using pull ups at night until last weekend but she’s fully aware she uses the toilet, it’s just for the sake of the holiday. The room abroad is 2 double beds and I’m not buying a waterproof sheet just for the holiday.

Can’t wait to get abroad and have some sunshine, where is summer

 

[WhatABore]

I use Lidl pull ups and always have done so they’re cheap (£3.25 odd a pack for 32 i think).

I had loads to use from potty training so whilst she was getting the hang of it during the day I still used one at night. It was only until my friend said she’d never used them and I realised how long she’s been wearing on at night for with no reason to is when I didn’t bother

I don’t think it’ll confuse her cos her dad was still using pull ups at night until last weekend but she’s fully aware she uses the toilet, it’s just for the sake of the holiday. The room abroad is 2 double beds and I’m not buying a waterproof sheet just for the holiday.

Can’t wait to get abroad and have some sunshine, where is summer

The Huggies waterproof mats i posted above would maybe be a good option?

 

[Bobbleowl90]

Has anybody explained death/loss to a toddler before?

I don’t exactly want to explain death to him as it’s grim and scary but my little one keeps asking about his grandma, my mum, who died when I was a teenager. Tbh it’s upsetting me because I miss her so much every day, and I get really emotional when he asks about her. I’ve always made sure he knew who his grandma was and we have photos up, but it’s only recently he’s starting to ask where she is and saying he wants to see her/she’s going to come and visit etc. I’ve sort of brushed it off and just said she isn’t here anymore but it’s building up and up to him asking the inevitable “why isn’t she here?” Question and I don’t know how to answer it. All I know is that I don’t want to say she got poorly because I’m worried he will think he’s going to die whenever he’s poorly.

 

[WhatABore]

Has anybody explained death/loss to a toddler before?

I don’t exactly want to explain death to him as it’s grim and scary but my little one keeps asking about his grandma, my mum, who died when I was a teenager. Tbh it’s upsetting me because I miss her so much every day, and I get really emotional when he asks about her. I’ve always made sure he knew who his grandma was and we have photos up, but it’s only recently he’s starting to ask where she is and saying he wants to see her/she’s going to come and visit etc. I’ve sort of brushed it off and just said she isn’t here anymore but it’s building up and up to him asking the inevitable “why isn’t she here?” Question and I don’t know how to answer it. All I know is that I don’t want to say she got poorly because I’m worried he will think he’s going to die whenever he’s poorly.

My Dad passed away before the kids were born. And they started asking questions round about the age of 3 as there's photos of him everywhere and I always tell them that it's Grandad.
To start with we told them they were in Heaven and said that sometimes people get sick and go to heaven.
My 5yo sometimes asks if we can go there and I explain that no, we can't. We can't see them.
But that's as simple as I kept it really for the younger ones

I did also reassure that getting sick doesn't mean you'll go to heaven, it's just that sometimes they get too sick to be helped.
It may be the wrong way to go about it but my 5yo was in hospital for 2 weeks back in October and not once did she ask or worry about it
None of them ever have even though I've explained it this way

 

[xoxo GG]

Has anybody explained death/loss to a toddler before?

I don’t exactly want to explain death to him as it’s grim and scary but my little one keeps asking about his grandma, my mum, who died when I was a teenager. Tbh it’s upsetting me because I miss her so much every day, and I get really emotional when he asks about her. I’ve always made sure he knew who his grandma was and we have photos up, but it’s only recently he’s starting to ask where she is and saying he wants to see her/she’s going to come and visit etc. I’ve sort of brushed it off and just said she isn’t here anymore but it’s building up and up to him asking the inevitable “why isn’t she here?” Question and I don’t know how to answer it. All I know is that I don’t want to say she got poorly because I’m worried he will think he’s going to die whenever he’s poorly.

We didn’t say about my Granny being poorly we just said when you get old, your body stops working as well and she’s died. Simple and sweet because the question crops up again and again, and she doesn’t really understand different ages. She gets confused about not being able to visit Granny and I just say if she ever feels sad to talk to her picture of Granny. We repeat the same thing each time to avoid confusion and just trying to avoid her having a fear of death/how it happens x

 

[disillusionedbythegram]

Has anybody explained death/loss to a toddler before?

I don’t exactly want to explain death to him as it’s grim and scary but my little one keeps asking about his grandma, my mum, who died when I was a teenager. Tbh it’s upsetting me because I miss her so much every day, and I get really emotional when he asks about her. I’ve always made sure he knew who his grandma was and we have photos up, but it’s only recently he’s starting to ask where she is and saying he wants to see her/she’s going to come and visit etc. I’ve sort of brushed it off and just said she isn’t here anymore but it’s building up and up to him asking the inevitable “why isn’t she here?” Question and I don’t know how to answer it. All I know is that I don’t want to say she got poorly because I’m worried he will think he’s going to die whenever he’s poorly.

It’s not on the same level as a parent, but I’ve had to explain the death of a much loved pet and a miscarriage to my toddler. Both times I tried to remain as factual as possible, whilst alleviating their worry, and reassuring it was okay to feel sad.

So with the miscarriage I explained that sometimes, babies aren’t born because if they were, they wouldn’t be strong enough. I said it made mummy and daddy sad, but we wouldn’t always be this sad, and if she felt sad that was okay, and she could talk to us about it at any time.

With the pet he was very old and ill, and we did say he was very very old and poorly. I was worried in the same way as you, that she would start to worry every time she/anyone she knew got poorly. So I made sure to say that doctors and vets can make people/pets better most of the time, but sometimes they can’t. I said she never needed to worry about someone dying if they were poorly, because it was a grown up thing to worry about and if it was ever going to happen to anyone she cared about, that I would tell her.

At the time I really didn’t think she was taking it in much, but she still mentions the pet and says she misses him sometimes so we look at pictures. And she mentioned the miscarriage the other day too. So I think she did understand. Thankfully I don’t think toddlers are able to feel the same sense of loss as deeply as us, so don’t feel too disheartened if your toddler seems very matter of fact about it.

I’m sorry for your loss, and sorry you still get upset about it most days. I can’t imagine how hard it is to lose a parent. Have you considered also looking into additional support for yourself?