Toddler Advice Thread #2

[WhatABore]

god it’s so hard, I don’t want the toddler to feel like I’m constantly nagging at him and sort of taking the baby’s side but I can’t let him hurt the baby. I always try and make sure he hears me say lovely things about him and hears us “take his side” with the baby. Idk, I just worry he’s going to feel like I prefer the baby because the baby is so full on.
We’ve started putting special things like play doh and smaller toys on the table and he says himself it’s to “keep baby safe”. It just feels like it’s every time the baby so much as crawls towards a toy the toddler just has to have it and there’s screaming and pushing so learning to share or take turns is feeling like an impossible task. The toddler also runs into things or falls over on purpose when we’re trying to stop him hurting his brother like hurting himself is a get out of jail free card - i knew parenting was hard but I don’t think I ever pictured these hurdles

Just on the learning to share part, children only begin to understand sharing around age 3. And that's only the start.
So it'll happen eventually.

We constantly repeat to my 4yo that the youngest doesn't understand sharing and she doesn't understand that she is ruining things ect.
It's helped her to understand a bit as the 4yo just saw her as purposely ruining everything. Where as now she understands that she isn't doing it on purpose.

We also do the same thing where if it's something she doesn't want ruined ect, then she either takes it to play in her bedroom in the kitchen/kitchen table. Or she waits until nap time

 

[Naataaliiee]

My 3 y/o is being an absolute pain going to bed each night- it’s taking us 2 hours to get her down, settled and asleep and we’re even having to lie with her now then sneak out of her room. This has been since transitioning to a bed from a cot. When she was in her cot, we used to put her down, story, kiss, walk out and she was always fine. Now she tries every trick in the book - she’s thirsty, needs to brush her teeth again, if you offer her a story/stories she always wants one more, needs to say night to Daddy again, she wants her baby dolly from downstairs… literally anything she can think of to be awkward! We always try to preempt everything she could ask for but she always finds something new! Even though we’re lying with her to read her a story, she often refuses to lie down and then gets up and walks around her room… it’s almost that we give in to what she wants and she has to do something different just to make a fuss. We’ve tried bribery, sticker charts, her losing a toy the next day, everything! She’s definitely tired each night and she doesn’t nap in the day, and she’s not overtired as we start as early in the evening as possible, knowing how long it’s going to take. We’ve got a groclock and tried saying once she says night to the sun she’s not allowed out of her bed. We desperately not to try to give her too much attention when she’s like this. The next step we’re debating is just locking her baby gate on her room and leaving her, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever climb back in her bed herself and she’d just stand and rattle the gate for hours screaming. Once she’s asleep, she’s usually fine and sleeps in her own bed all night. It’s just ridiculous! We’re always in a rush from finishing work, picking her up from childcare, getting her ready for bed to start the process, and then we’re also missing our own down-time each evening as we’re not getting downstairs until half 8/9!
Does anyone else have similar issues? Please tell me I’m not alone

 

[Definitelyme]

@bottombanana ugh it just feels so difficult at times to meet everyone’s emotional needs, doesn’t it? Like if you manage to do a good job meeting one, it’s at the expense of someone else, or else everyone gets a bad deal all at once.

One thing I’ve been saying a lot lately is that ToddlerMe isn’t playing wrongly, he just plays differently because he’s still working out how to use things. My 6yo loves train tracks and of course ToddlerMe just wrecks it all. But when I remind him he isn’t wrecking to be a pain, it’s the only way he knows how to play, it placates my 6yo somewhat (though I know reasoning levels of a 6yo compared to your 3yo are very different)
I also make sure the older kids hear me saying “ToddlerMe, 3Me is playing with that now. You can play with it when she is finished” so they know I am trying my best to preserve their play.
But sometimes the bust ups happen. But it sounds like you’re doing all you can to quash the physical side But yeah, it’s hard to navigate. Sibling issues are some of our biggest on going (low level in general) problems.

My 3 y/o is being an absolute pain going to bed each night- it’s taking us 2 hours to get her down, settled and asleep and we’re even having to lie with her now then sneak out of her room. This has been since transitioning to a bed from a cot. When she was in her cot, we used to put her down, story, kiss, walk out and she was always fine. Now she tries every trick in the book - she’s thirsty, needs to brush her teeth again, if you offer her a story/stories she always wants one more, needs to say night to Daddy again, she wants her baby dolly from downstairs… literally anything she can think of to be awkward! We always try to preempt everything she could ask for but she always finds something new! Even though we’re lying with her to read her a story, she often refuses to lie down and then gets up and walks around her room… it’s almost that we give in to what she wants and she has to do something different just to make a fuss. We’ve tried bribery, sticker charts, her losing a toy the next day, everything! She’s definitely tired each night and she doesn’t nap in the day, and she’s not overtired as we start as early in the evening as possible, knowing how long it’s going to take. We’ve got a groclock and tried saying once she says night to the sun she’s not allowed out of her bed. We desperately not to try to give her too much attention when she’s like this. The next step we’re debating is just locking her baby gate on her room and leaving her, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever climb back in her bed herself and she’d just stand and rattle the gate for hours screaming. Once she’s asleep, she’s usually fine and sleeps in her own bed all night. It’s just ridiculous! We’re always in a rush from finishing work, picking her up from childcare, getting her ready for bed to start the process, and then we’re also missing our own down-time each evening as we’re not getting downstairs until half 8/9!
Does anyone else have similar issues? Please tell me I’m not alone

Flip that sounds rough.

I think in that situation I would sort her for bed, stories etc etc, then say that you’re going downstairs now and she has to stay in her room, and just leave her to it. Let her play, read her books, whatever she wants to - but she must stay in her room. Tell her when she’s ready to go to bed she can call you up again to get tucked in (or to lie with her), but you’ll only be up when she’s ready to sleep. I personally wouldn’t leave her crying, but that’s a decision for each family.

You can not make her go to sleep, but you can remove the pressure on yourself by stepping out of the room and giving yourself a chance to do the things you normally would in the evening, but also giving her the chance to mess round and get it out of her system.

 

[Buzzybee43]

My 3 y/o is being an absolute pain going to bed each night- it’s taking us 2 hours to get her down, settled and asleep and we’re even having to lie with her now then sneak out of her room. This has been since transitioning to a bed from a cot. When she was in her cot, we used to put her down, story, kiss, walk out and she was always fine. Now she tries every trick in the book - she’s thirsty, needs to brush her teeth again, if you offer her a story/stories she always wants one more, needs to say night to Daddy again, she wants her baby dolly from downstairs… literally anything she can think of to be awkward! We always try to preempt everything she could ask for but she always finds something new! Even though we’re lying with her to read her a story, she often refuses to lie down and then gets up and walks around her room… it’s almost that we give in to what she wants and she has to do something different just to make a fuss. We’ve tried bribery, sticker charts, her losing a toy the next day, everything! She’s definitely tired each night and she doesn’t nap in the day, and she’s not overtired as we start as early in the evening as possible, knowing how long it’s going to take. We’ve got a groclock and tried saying once she says night to the sun she’s not allowed out of her bed. We desperately not to try to give her too much attention when she’s like this. The next step we’re debating is just locking her baby gate on her room and leaving her, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever climb back in her bed herself and she’d just stand and rattle the gate for hours screaming. Once she’s asleep, she’s usually fine and sleeps in her own bed all night. It’s just ridiculous! We’re always in a rush from finishing work, picking her up from childcare, getting her ready for bed to start the process, and then we’re also missing our own down-time each evening as we’re not getting downstairs until half 8/9!
Does anyone else have similar issues? Please tell me I’m not alone

You sound like you’re living my life right now! I have had months of trying to get her to stay in her bed and the past couple of nights I seem to have got it down to an hour. To most people that sounds like an age but we’ve come down from about three so hopefully that’s progress (!)
Things I’ve noticed that have worked (again could just be a fluke)
- being strict about everything two stories only (or whatever you decide beforehand), no water in bed (she was purposely spilling it so had to be changed!) a toilet before bed, no extra toys or books in bed
- brushing teeth quite a bit before “bed time” this seemed to sort of give her a new lease of life!
- going outside after dinner just for a walk in the garden, also have really restricted her tv particularly in the afternoon - basically to try and avoid any inadvertent napping!
- and the usual putting her back into bed in silence every time. I stay upstairs because she likes to go into her brother’s room (who is a year old) and wake him up!
Hope this gives you some hope, I mean it’s not ideal but I am getting to go downstairs now for two hours before my bed time!

My 3 y/o is being an absolute pain going to bed each night- it’s taking us 2 hours to get her down, settled and asleep and we’re even having to lie with her now then sneak out of her room. This has been since transitioning to a bed from a cot. When she was in her cot, we used to put her down, story, kiss, walk out and she was always fine. Now she tries every trick in the book - she’s thirsty, needs to brush her teeth again, if you offer her a story/stories she always wants one more, needs to say night to Daddy again, she wants her baby dolly from downstairs… literally anything she can think of to be awkward! We always try to preempt everything she could ask for but she always finds something new! Even though we’re lying with her to read her a story, she often refuses to lie down and then gets up and walks around her room… it’s almost that we give in to what she wants and she has to do something different just to make a fuss. We’ve tried bribery, sticker charts, her losing a toy the next day, everything! She’s definitely tired each night and she doesn’t nap in the day, and she’s not overtired as we start as early in the evening as possible, knowing how long it’s going to take. We’ve got a groclock and tried saying once she says night to the sun she’s not allowed out of her bed. We desperately not to try to give her too much attention when she’s like this. The next step we’re debating is just locking her baby gate on her room and leaving her, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever climb back in her bed herself and she’d just stand and rattle the gate for hours screaming. Once she’s asleep, she’s usually fine and sleeps in her own bed all night. It’s just ridiculous! We’re always in a rush from finishing work, picking her up from childcare, getting her ready for bed to start the process, and then we’re also missing our own down-time each evening as we’re not getting downstairs until half 8/9!
Does anyone else have similar issues? Please tell me I’m not alone

Also just to add I also tried bribery, sticker charts, sanctions but nothing seemed to work. I’m not sure how much consequential understanding 2/3 year olds have, however she does like to tell me that “mummy shouted at me in the night time!” so she must have some understanding!
The last two nights (again potentially counting my chickens) in the morning after I say I was really pleased you went to bed fairly quickly last night and don’t you feel so much better for it today! Not sure how useful that is but here’s hoping it goes into the subconscious!

 

[Naataaliiee]

Flip that sounds rough.

I think in that situation I would sort her for bed, stories etc etc, then say that you’re going downstairs now and she has to stay in her room, and just leave her to it. Let her play, read her books, whatever she wants to - but she must stay in her room. Tell her when she’s ready to go to bed she can call you up again to get tucked in (or to lie with her), but you’ll only be up when she’s ready to sleep. I personally wouldn’t leave her crying, but that’s a decision for each family.

You can not make her go to sleep, but you can remove the pressure on yourself by stepping out of the room and giving yourself a chance to do the things you normally would in the evening, but also giving her the chance to mess round and get it out of her system.

Thank you for the advice! I agree with removing the pressure on myself… I definitely need to remember to step out her room and leave her to it. Any attention with her is good attention! The baby gate is going on in the morning and tomorrow night I mean business - it’s on!!!

I also agree with not leaving her crying… I couldn’t do that, never have been able to, and I’m actually surprised she hasn’t cottoned onto this yet

You sound like you’re living my life right now! I have had months of trying to get her to stay in her bed and the past couple of nights I seem to have got it down to an hour. To most people that sounds like an age but we’ve come down from about three so hopefully that’s progress (!)
Things I’ve noticed that have worked (again could just be a fluke)
- being strict about everything two stories only (or whatever you decide beforehand), no water in bed (she was purposely spilling it so had to be changed!) a toilet before bed, no extra toys or books in bed
- brushing teeth quite a bit before “bed time” this seemed to sort of give her a new lease of life!
- going outside after dinner just for a walk in the garden, also have really restricted her tv particularly in the afternoon - basically to try and avoid any inadvertent napping!
- and the usual putting her back into bed in silence every time. I stay upstairs because she likes to go into her brother’s room (who is a year old) and wake him up!
Hope this gives you some hope, I mean it’s not ideal but I am getting to go downstairs now for two hours before my bed time!

Also just to add I also tried bribery, sticker charts, sanctions but nothing seemed to work. I’m not sure how much consequential understanding 2/3 year olds have, however she does like to tell me that “mummy shouted at me in the night time!” so she must have some understanding!
The last two nights (again potentially counting my chickens) in the morning after I say I was really pleased you went to bed fairly quickly last night and don’t you feel so much better for it today! Not sure how useful that is but here’s hoping it goes into the subconscious!

I feel so sorry for you going through the same as I am, however I’m (selfishly) slightly relieved it’s not just me I’m sorry!!!
Thank you so much for all the tips - I will give them ALL a go as something is definitely working for you!!
I agree with not knowing whether she understands consequences etc yet, but she’s very similar - in the morning she will say ‘I made Mummy sad last night when I was naughty in bed’ - she definitely knows what she’s doing but it’s all a game to her!! She’s bloody great at getting me to react/ speak to her when she runs around, too! I need to remember to remain TOTALLY silent!
It’s just mentally exhausting, isn’t it!

I hope your hour quickly becomes much less! You sound like you’re making great progress!!

 

[Jellybean093]

So, tonight was a great night to start the glo clock 🫠 toddler was furious I wouldn’t let him in our bed. Kicking and screaming. Never been like this before. Not sure what was wrong with him

@WhatABore - I’m sure the clock turned off. I assume this isn’t normal during the night time??

 

[Buzzybee43]

My toddler has taken to hitting, kicking, throwing things and just generally trying to hurt his younger brother. It was going ok until the baby started being more mobile then it’s all gone down hill. I’m hoping it’s just normal sibling rivalry but obviously it’s quite hard to witness. He’s very good at using his words and he’s learning to say what he needs, like “I’m just trying to have some quiet time” so when he says that we move the baby away, repeat it to the baby and entertain him elsewhere so toddler knows he’s been heard but if we don’t get there quick enough to move the baby he’ll just kick him away. This morning I didn’t get there quick enough so he kicked him then threw some stacking cups at him. I made a big fuss of the baby (just saying how it must have been sore and giving him a hug etc but not shaming the toddler) but it just escalated and the toddler ended up throwing his full cup of water across the room, I ended up shouting which I don’t want to do. Once we’d all calmed down I apologised and explained my behaviour and his behaviour to him. Is this need to hurt his brother a phase? Is there anything more I can be doing to help him get over it?

My daughter was the same just as my son started to crawl/ roll around. The kid gloves were well and truly off by this stage. At first I thought I must have birthed a psychopath as who would push a baby, but actually the more I spoke to people with two or more everyone seemed to say the same. The novelty as such had worn off and they were a bit more robust to “play” with. I do the same as previous posters, explain that if they want to do an activity without being disturbed to do it on the kitchen table (puzzles, play dough etc) and she’s very keen to tell everyone she is allowed play dough, beads etc because she’s a big girl and he isn’t! I don’t know if this is the “right” thing to do but we also laugh when he starts to crawl at 100 mph toward her and shout quick hide the (whatever she’s playing with) and they both seem to laugh at this! Not sure if I’m giving them both bad habits but it does make it more light hearted as opposed to nagging. Also save special 1:1 activities for nap time as an incentive to stay quiet during nap time, eg making bracelets and say we’ll save that for nap time etc - not a foolproof plan but we have got by! The initial stage is a pain but they soon create their own safe ways to play without being disrupted.

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

I posted a while ago about my son hating having his hair cut with scissors. I’ve just tried it with my partners held hand Phillips he uses for his beard 🧔‍♂️ and he actually sat a lot stiller and didn’t have a meltdown ! I’ve had to do it in three stages. Do a bit have a break, i between let him have a drink and biscuit & do a bit more. I think this is the way forward it’s a really small shaver and isn’t loud

 

[WhatABore]

So, tonight was a great night to start the glo clock 🫠 toddler was furious I wouldn’t let him in our bed. Kicking and screaming. Never been like this before. Not sure what was wrong with him

@WhatABore - I’m sure the clock turned off. I assume this isn’t normal during the night time??

It shouldn't turn off, no.
It stays on, blue all night as a night light

 

[al255]

So one thing I learnt with my 2.7 year old is keep the reasons why they have to stay in their room short and sweet. “You’re staying in YOUR bed cos it’s bedtime and time to go to sleep”.. often my daugher will want another drink etc but I don’t let her leave her bedroom. No means no.
Brushing teeth again? You don’t need to do that.

If they wants to say goodnight to X Y Z get them to come upstairs, start making them realise they’re not leaving their bedroom unless they need a wee (if potty trained). I was just so firm and said it’s bedtime goodnight and when it hit X time I’d say goodnight, close the door and that was that. Think logically- they want ANOTHER drink after the 7th time? No. They’re just delaying bedtime. Be firm, say no and once it’s time for you to leave stick to it and close the door and don’t go back in unless it’s life or death. They’re all at the age where they know what they’re doing. My daughter used to scream (fake scream and cry) for me to go back in and I wouldn’t, she soon got the message and doesn’t even bother now.

Stick with it those who are finding bedtime rough xx once you’ve given into an excuse as to why they can leave their bedroom it’s never ending. Take some control back!

 

[WhatABore]

So one thing I learnt with my 2.7 year old is keep the reasons why they have to stay in their room short and sweet. “You’re staying in YOUR bed cos it’s bedtime and time to go to sleep”.. often my daugher will want another drink etc but I don’t let her leave her bedroom. No means no.
Brushing teeth again? You don’t need to do that.

If they wants to say goodnight to X Y Z get them to come upstairs, start making them realise they’re not leaving their bedroom unless they need a wee (if potty trained). I was just so firm and said it’s bedtime goodnight and when it hit X time I’d say goodnight, close the door and that was that. Think logically- they want ANOTHER drink after the 7th time? No. They’re just delaying bedtime. Be firm, say no and once it’s time for you to leave stick to it and close the door and don’t go back in unless it’s life or death. They’re all at the age where they know what they’re doing. My daughter used to scream (fake scream and cry) for me to go back in and I wouldn’t, she soon got the message and doesn’t even bother now.

Stick with it those who are finding bedtime rough xx once you’ve given into an excuse as to why they can leave their bedroom it’s never ending. Take some control back!

I'm exactly the same.
I'm super stubborn as well so when I say no, it means no, regardless of what they say

I will take them back to their room 100 times if I must.

 

[fifi90]

Hi all, I’m new to this thread. Im worried about my 20 month old son and his lack of speech. He only says about 10-12 words ( that includes animal sounds). He’s a happy, smiley boy full of fun and affection. I wasn’t worried until a family member mentioned that he should be talking properly by now and I started researching it and a parenting website sent me into full on stress mode. Does anyone have any positive stories of toddlers with delayed speech catching up? Thanks x

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Hi all, I’m new to this thread. Im worried about my 20 month old son and his lack of speech. He only says about 10-12 words. He’s a happy, smiley boy full of fun and affection. I wasn’t worried until a family member mentioned that he should be talking properly by now and I started researching it and a parenting website sent me into full on stress mode. Does anyone have any positive stories of toddlers with delayed speech catching up? Thanks x

My son is three and is only just learning to speak properly. He only started calling me mummy in may. He’s slowly getting there. Each week he says a little bit more … this week it’s counting he’s trying
Try not to worry too much. Boys are generally slower at talking so I’ve been told. Have you mentioned it to HV

 

[fifi90]

My son is three and is only just learning to speak properly. He only started calling me mummy in may. He’s slowly getting there. Each week he says a little bit more … this week it’s counting he’s trying
Try not to worry too much. Boys are generally slower at talking so I’ve been told. Have you mentioned it to HV

Hi, thanks for replying. No I haven’t said it to HV yet but am planning to next week. I said it to his nursery teacher and she said he’s doing great and participates well, plays with others etc. Great that your little boy is making progress x

 

[WhatABore]

Hi all, I’m new to this thread. Im worried about my 20 month old son and his lack of speech. He only says about 10-12 words ( that includes animal sounds). He’s a happy, smiley boy full of fun and affection. I wasn’t worried until a family member mentioned that he should be talking properly by now and I started researching it and a parenting website sent me into full on stress mode. Does anyone have any positive stories of toddlers with delayed speech catching up? Thanks x

I wouldn't say there is any need to worry at all.
My 16 month old doesn't say any words yet. My first didn't start saying works until past 2, where as my 2nd was talking a lot earlier.

In 'average' a 20 month old will be able to say 12-15 words.
So I'd say he sounds 'average'


Every child develops at a different rate.

If nursery have no concerns then that just shows there's no need to worry

 

[strawberrysunshine_x]

Hi, thanks for replying. No I haven’t said it to HV yet but am planning to next week. I said it to his nursery teacher and she said he’s doing great and participates well, plays with others etc. Great that your little boy is making progress x

Honestly it’s been a long road of stress! Just comments people make like someone has said to you “ shouldn’t he be talking by now “ when you’re worried you really don’t need people saying things like that
If nursery aren’t worried I wouldn’t be yet. We started speech therapy as advised by nursery and she gave me some good tips ( pls don’t think I’m patronising here )
1 get down to their level so they can see your mouth move
2 commentate everything - say what you’re doing even if it’s washing up etc
3 meal times point out what’s on the plate ie nuggets , peas and chips
4 point out cars , buses , tractors etc
5 doing jigsaws / books say everything you see
6 expand on words such as instead of just car say blue car, fast car , big car
Basically talk talk talk

 

[fifi90]

I wouldn't say there is any need to worry at all.
My 16 month old doesn't say any words yet. My first didn't start saying works until past 2, where as my 2nd was talking a lot earlier.

In 'average' a 20 month old will be able to say 12-15 words.
So I'd say he sounds 'average'


Every child develops at a different rate.

If nursery have no concerns then that just shows there's no need to worry

Oh thank you that’s so reassuring! I was reading 50+ words and two word phrases etc. He babbles all the time bless him but we only understand the odd word. Hopefully he will get there soon. I will mention to HV but wanted to see what other people’s experiences were x

 

[quinzel]

My toddler is 3 at the end of September and over the past couple of days have developed a stutter. It’s happening pretty much all the time “m-m-m-mummy I w-w-want xyz” “o-o-oh no” etc. I’m not sure if this is normal language development or something more concerning?

my son is 3 at the start of October and he has been doing exactly the same

 

[fifi90]

Honestly it’s been a long road of stress! Just comments people make like someone has said to you “ shouldn’t he be talking by now “ when you’re worried you really don’t need people saying things like that
If nursery aren’t worried I wouldn’t be yet. We started speech therapy as advised by nursery and she gave me some good tips ( pls don’t think I’m patronising here )
1 get down to their level so they can see your mouth move
2 commentate everything - say what you’re doing even if it’s washing up etc
3 meal times point out what’s on the plate ie nuggets , peas and chips
4 point out cars , buses , tractors etc
5 doing jigsaws / books say everything you see
6 expand on words such as instead of just car say blue car, fast car , big car
Basically talk talk talk

Yes I’ve started following speech therapists on social media and am seeing similar tips, good to hear that you find them useful I will keep persevering!

 

[WhatABore]

Oh thank you that’s so reassuring! I was reading 50+ words and two word phrases etc. He babbles all the time bless him but we only understand the odd word. Hopefully he will get there soon. I will mention to HV but wanted to see what other people’s experiences were x

Definitley not
Even my son who was talking early, wasn't saying 50 words by 20 months.