The Depression Thread #2

[ilovepizza21]

@ilovepizza21 it took me ages to find a med that would 'balance' me, I know I'll be on them for the rest of my life, I had councelling years ago, but it really didn't help, I'd have to pay for it now, and tbh, I wouldn't know where to start from. I keep alot of issues inside me,as I'm sure alot of you on this thread do, but it's nice this thread is a safe place for us x

Oh yes I keep alot inside in my head I know no one really cares. I know people say they do but hand on my heart I know that's not true. All the meds ive tried they just dont work they make me feel numb and i don't want to feel any more numb then i do. I love these threads too

 

[Pollyanna263]

Oh yes I keep alot inside in my head I know no one really cares. I know people say they do but hand on my heart I know that's not true. All the meds ive tried they just dont work they make me feel numb and i don't want to feel any more numb then i do. I love these threads too

I’m supposed to be changing meds, I’ve seen a new psychiatrist who thinks what I’m on is causing me to be so numb to everything.

It’s worth trying something different if you feel able. I have no side effects currently (except the numbness and inability to cry!)

 

[LennyBriscoe]

My medication has just been increased again. I’m relatively new to Amitriptylene but my last phone consultation with the Psychiatrist and I just didn’t have the energy to try and put a spin on how I’m feeling (which I shouldn’t do anyway - it’s like when my Dad had a home help and he used to tidy up for her coming round!)

I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and that’s just the way it is. There are things I can do to help myself that I’m not always good at doing but I think it’s catch 22 - you feel tit and you can’t even be arsed doing what you know will help - the worse you feel.

It’s difficult to ‘care’ for people you don’t know but I can honestly say that when I read this thread, I sympathise or empathise with a lot and I think about you guys.

Does anyone else hate falling out with people? I haven’t fallen out with any of my friends since I left school (but the big difference is I don’t let people walk all over me or people please like I did then) but last night I said something that needed to be said from a place of love and she wasn’t happy. Threw it back in my face with a couple of insults and I’ve honestly barely slept.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

My medication has just been increased again. I’m relatively new to Amitriptylene but my last phone consultation with the Psychiatrist and I just didn’t have the energy to try and put a spin on how I’m feeling (which I shouldn’t do anyway - it’s like when my Dad had a home help and he used to tidy up for her coming round!)

I’m going to be on medication for the rest of my life and that’s just the way it is. There are things I can do to help myself that I’m not always good at doing but I think it’s catch 22 - you feel tit and you can’t even be arsed doing what you know will help - the worse you feel.

It’s difficult to ‘care’ for people you don’t know but I can honestly say that when I read this thread, I sympathise or empathise with a lot and I think about you guys.

Does anyone else hate falling out with people? I haven’t fallen out with any of my friends since I left school (but the big difference is I don’t let people walk all over me or people please like I did then) but last night I said something that needed to be said from a place of love and she wasn’t happy. Threw it back in my face with a couple of insults and I’ve honestly barely slept.

Are you still awake? What you will have said will have come from love and their response is on them. It is not on you to respond to their reactions. Easier said than done at 6am compared to 3am when it feels like the world is closing in.

Obviously, rumination is a huge part of depression and when there is nothing else to stop those thoughts spiralling, your sleep suffers.

As you have said, you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, but we don’t do we? Please look after yourself today.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Are you still awake? What you will have said will have come from love and their response is on them. It is not on you to respond to their reactions. Easier said than done at 6am compared to 3am when it feels like the world is closing in.

Obviously, rumination is a huge part of depression and when there is nothing else to stop those thoughts spiralling, your sleep suffers.

As you have said, you know what you need to do to take care of yourself, but we don’t do we? Please look after yourself today.

I didn’t get back to sleep but my son got up not long after I posted so that took my mind off things. I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s because I care I wanted her to get back on track.

Spoiler: Alcoholism

Honestly ITT, will you tell me if I speak about this too much? My friend is a very dear friend I met in AA. We struggled together and then got sober within a few months of each other and after a considerable period, she’s relapsed. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but after I asked her, she admitted it. I went to a meeting yesterday and I text her to see if she was up to going and she basically said she wouldn’t be back. I said I wasn’t going to pressurise her but I was disappointed she felt that way and she turned in a heartbeat. Personal attacks about my quality of sobriety, how she’s disappointed in me for asking her, she told me as a friend she’d been drinking and I’d upset her.

I said I didn’t know where it came from but she was bang out of order commenting on my sobriety and she said the truth hurts. It really doesn’t, I know what I need to do and I’m not always quick off the mark. She said she didn’t want to fall out but she was disappointed too and thanks for all the help I’d given her. I didn’t reply. I’m beyond worried but I’m also feeling like I’ve done something wrong, when I know I haven’t. If she can’t see it’s come from a place of love then I can’t help that. I hate this though. In all the melee last night, I forgot to take my tablets )

I text one of my non-AA friends and she sent me this article because we’re both the same. She also said that we could both do with putting ourselves first for a change.

‘I feel your pain’: confessions of a hyper-empath

Do you feel other people’s experiences and emotions as strongly as your own? It’s overwhelming being a hyper-empath, but you can also harness it for good

www.theguardian.com

 

[barmcake]

Sending you .

The last two days have been awful. I have got back into bad behaviours, like you, the things that “should” make a difference feel tit and I want to sit on the sofa in my joggers and watch breaking bad in its entirety.

When I feel like this, it is like 2 1/2 years ago is rearing its head. Those feelings are knocking at the door and it is taking every single ounce of my strength not to let them in. I have to not eat everything, not restrict, not curl in a ball and want to hide from the world. The pressure in my chest is huge. Even writing this is causing pain.

Sorry to be a misery. Particularly on a long weekend when we are all meant to be having the most fun ever.

To those that are struggling, . To those that are having time with family or friends, .

Xxx

Don't feel bad; you needed a break from the world. Sometimes we need to just collapse into a heap, and when our feet touch the rocky bottom we'll start to push ourselves up again. We had a massive festival in my town with 130,000 bikers partying on the beach. I stayed in bed all weekend trying to keep quiet in case the neighbours thought 'what a weirdo' not going out again .... must stop worrying about what other people think. Just get back up in your own time. xx

 

[Pollyanna263]

Will catch up shortly but just wanted to say hi and hope everyone managed some rest overnight.

I’ve got an emergency vet appointment for my dog at 9. I’m trying to stay calm but not managing it. She is so important in my life, I cannot cope with the possibility that she’s not okay.

 

[Maid22]

Will catch up shortly but just wanted to say hi and hope everyone managed some rest overnight.

I’ve got an emergency vet appointment for my dog at 9. I’m trying to stay calm but not managing it. She is so important in my life, I cannot cope with the possibility that she’s not okay.

Oh, let us know how she is, sending hugs x

 

[Eeyore147]

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

… in case the neighbours thought 'what a weirdo' not going out again ....

Just saying hello as a fellow worrier about what my neighbours think of me. There is a certain type of person that over the years I’ve kind of internalised the (presumed) views of, and now automatically care what they think. Even if I don’t hold them in particularly high regard. I guess it’s just internalising British classism. I hate it and I have to try really hard to change my thoughts when I feel it.

I feel that way on sunny weekend days too. In my head, everyone is out being sociable and confident and happy. And I don’t even remotely get FOMO, I’m happy at home, but I feel like there’s something wrong with me for not being like everyone else. Again, that’s the automatic thought, and I don’t really even believe it, but the thought is there before I realise. These days I notice when I’m doing it and try to stop, but it’s a real effort sometimes.

Enough about me though. I guess the common theme of this thread is that in our own ways and to our own extents, we all have to work that bit harder than others to get through. And I resent that sometimes, despite knowing that there’s nothing good down that path.

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

As a starting point I wanted to say a big well done for getting downstairs! I know it won’t make you suddenly feel better, but I think you’ll look back and be proud that you were determined and kept going when things were so dark. And that’s worth something I think. Sending love to you and everyone for an OK-ish day today.

 

[Pollyanna263]

Oh, let us know how she is, sending hugs x

Thank you

I’m back home now, had to leave her there for sedation. I know she’ll be fine but every time she has an anaesthetic I worry so much. She’s had various injuries and she has hip problems so she’s had a lot of anaesthetics for both injury repairs and for X-ray and MRI.

*talking about injury / infection so don’t read if squeamish*

This time, she had a lump appear from nowhere on her chest at the end of last week. It was under the skin, she was happy for me to touch it. It moved around a bit and was huge - almost tennis balls size.

Spoke to vet and they were comfortable to leave it over the weekend and so I was booked for this Thursday morning.

Overnight last night it’s burst the skin and been bleeding.

Fab vets have seen us straight away, she thinks it’s an abscess which has burst.

I’m so relieved as the dog had a tumour on her leg 2 years ago, I was terrified it was a recurrence.

Vet tried to drain it with dog awake but it was clearly hurting so they’ve kept her in to sedate and do it properly.

She’s an anxious ex-rescue who really hates being there, so they’ve had to give her something to try and calm her down as she won’t be done until this afternoon as they’re so busy

 

[ilovepizza21]

First time posting on this thread, but I really just need to offload. Today is the first time in days I’ve actually managed to make it downstairs. My mood is so low I literally feel dead inside. Haven’t even got the energy to phone my CPN as just don’t know what to say to her. Even physically talking is just so much effort. I suffer with EUPD with Depression & Anxiety. I don’t even have any tears left to cry.

sorry, I don’t need any replies and I know there are many more in worse situations than me but sending you all love

Never ever feel your problem is any less of what someone else's is. Sending you hugs

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I didn’t get back to sleep but my son got up not long after I posted so that took my mind off things. I’ve got a huge knot in my stomach even though I know I haven’t done anything wrong and it’s because I care I wanted her to get back on track.

Spoiler: Alcoholism

Honestly ITT, will you tell me if I speak about this too much? My friend is a very dear friend I met in AA. We struggled together and then got sober within a few months of each other and after a considerable period, she’s relapsed. I’ve had my suspicions for a while but after I asked her, she admitted it. I went to a meeting yesterday and I text her to see if she was up to going and she basically said she wouldn’t be back. I said I wasn’t going to pressurise her but I was disappointed she felt that way and she turned in a heartbeat. Personal attacks about my quality of sobriety, how she’s disappointed in me for asking her, she told me as a friend she’d been drinking and I’d upset her.

I said I didn’t know where it came from but she was bang out of order commenting on my sobriety and she said the truth hurts. It really doesn’t, I know what I need to do and I’m not always quick off the mark. She said she didn’t want to fall out but she was disappointed too and thanks for all the help I’d given her. I didn’t reply. I’m beyond worried but I’m also feeling like I’ve done something wrong, when I know I haven’t. If she can’t see it’s come from a place of love then I can’t help that. I hate this though. In all the melee last night, I forgot to take my tablets )

I text one of my non-AA friends and she sent me this article because we’re both the same. She also said that we could both do with putting ourselves first for a change.

‘I feel your pain’: confessions of a hyper-empath

Do you feel other people’s experiences and emotions as strongly as your own? It’s overwhelming being a hyper-empath, but you can also harness it for good

www.theguardian.com

Never think you talk too much about anything . That is what this place is here for.

Spoiler: AA mentions

I can’t meaningfully comment on the ins and outs (I hate to try to comment if I have no direct experience) of what you have said, but from my point of view, your journey and her journey are entirely separate and that with something like AA, where you may start the journey seemingly together, you have to take your own path. Sorry if this is coming across badly, sometimes I cannot express myself well .

You are obviously such a caring person and I have no advice with regards to taking on the emotions of others or the over thinking about everything (I wish my brain would stop, just once), but I have been reading a lot about us only taking responsibility for our own behaviours and emotions and doing what we know is right. We cannot be responsible for those of others if we act within our moral code. That is all very well me saying this (as I continue to stress about why I feel like I have no one to talk to) but you did do the right thing here.

To @barmcake thankyou and the others that struggle on a sunny day. Yes! It is like the weather is giving us a big sweary thing and telling us that we should feel extra rubbish when everyone around us is enjoying themselves even more.

@Pollyanna263 - sending dog love. The worry can really add up.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Sending you .

The last two days have been awful. I have got back into bad behaviours, like you, the things that “should” make a difference feel tit and I want to sit on the sofa in my joggers and watch breaking bad in its entirety.

When I feel like this, it is like 2 1/2 years ago is rearing its head. Those feelings are knocking at the door and it is taking every single ounce of my strength not to let them in. I have to not eat everything, not restrict, not curl in a ball and want to hide from the world. The pressure in my chest is huge. Even writing this is causing pain.

Sorry to be a misery. Particularly on a long weekend when we are all meant to be having the most fun ever.

To those that are struggling, . To those that are having time with family or friends, .

Xxx

Please don’t apologise for feeling how you are, it doesn’t matter if it’s May Day, Christmas Day, Mardi Gras or a shitey Tuesday, you feel how you do and that’s it.

I hadn’t seen you in Monroesville and I thought you were having an elected few days off the chaos. Sorry to hear it’s been so rough. I truly hope today has been better for you

Never think you talk too much about anything . That is what this place is here for.

Spoiler: AA mentions

I can’t meaningfully comment on the ins and outs (I hate to try to comment if I have no direct experience) of what you have said, but from my point of view, your journey and her journey are entirely separate and that with something like AA, where you may start the journey seemingly together, you have to take your own path. Sorry if this is coming across badly, sometimes I cannot express myself well .

You are obviously such a caring person and I have no advice with regards to taking on the emotions of others or the over thinking about everything (I wish my brain would stop, just once), but I have been reading a lot about us only taking responsibility for our own behaviours and emotions and doing what we know is right. We cannot be responsible for those of others if we act within our moral code. That is all very well me saying this (as I continue to stress about why I feel like I have no one to talk to) but you did do the right thing here.

To @barmcake thankyou and the others that struggle on a sunny day. Yes! It is like the weather is giving us a big sweary thing and telling us that we should feel extra rubbish when everyone around us is enjoying themselves even more.

@Pollyanna263 - sending dog love. The worry can really add up.

I’ve just caught up - I was reading all the posts out of order and getting myself confused.

@Pollyanna263 any update on your pooch?

@Eeyore147 good to see you and congrats on making it down the stairs, that’s huge! Every time I see anything Winnie the Pooh, it reminds me of watching The Chase with my husband:

Q - which WTP character is named after AA Milne’s son?
H - Tigger. Funnily enough…it was Christopher Robin .

@Into_the_tunnel thank you, I always get what you mean! And you’ve hit the nail on the head, we are on different paths for just now anyway and as much as I worry, I can’t make her walk the same path as me. I was working this morning so I feel less anxious.

Lots of love everyone

 

[Pollyanna263]

Just picked my dog up!

She’s seriously woozy, and definitely not talking to me. She has a massive open wound that I have to keep clean (and keep teenager and 3yo away from) and she may need another surgery.

But she’s home

 

[Maid22]

Just picked my dog up!

She’s seriously woozy, and definitely not talking to me. She has a massive open wound that I have to keep clean (and keep teenager and 3yo away from) and she may need another surgery.

But she’s home

Aww so happy for you all and glad it's not a tumour, it's awful when they have to go to the vets.
I did chuckle that she's not talking to you, mines the same!! I'm sure she's going to be well and truly spilt!

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Just picked my dog up!

She’s seriously woozy, and definitely not talking to me. She has a massive open wound that I have to keep clean (and keep teenager and 3yo away from) and she may need another surgery.

But she’s home

Aw special cuddles for her tonight! Glad you’ve got her home

 

[Maid22]

Ive just reread my post, sorry I meant spoilt !!!

 

[Pollyanna263]

Anyone else feel like they are just about keeping going, and the next thing that happens will be the one to finally make you crumble?

That’s where I am.

I’ve had a cry this afternoon, but not enough. Bloody meds stop it.

I’m verging on hyper now and it’s because I still need to get my littlest to bed so need to keep going.
The dog has an open wound that I have to keep clean
And I’m exhausted.

Had to cancel therapy this morning too because of the vet.

 

[Eeyore147]

Anyone else feel like they are just about keeping going, and the next thing that happens will be the one to finally make you crumble?

That’s where I am.

I’ve had a cry this afternoon, but not enough. Bloody meds stop it.

I’m verging on hyper now and it’s because I still need to get my littlest to bed so need to keep going.
The dog has an open wound that I have to keep clean
And I’m exhausted.

Had to cancel therapy this morning too because of the vet.

I know exactly how you feel. I just didn’t want to read and run but wanted to send you lots of love for you and your pooch.

I’ve managed to eat (yes a microwave meal but still it’s food) and now off to my safe space.

I hope tomorrow’s a better day for you and you manage to re-arrange therapy xxx