*** VACANCY ANNOUNCEMENT ***
The Château de la Fleur Fanée Home for Scroungers, Grifters, Drifters, Losers and Bums invites applications for the following position:
Cook
Responsibilities:
As a cook your main task will be to ensure that all the inmates and guests are well fed at all times.
Working under the direct supervision of the Scrounger in Chief, Stephanie Take the Piss Jarvis, you will perform the following tasks:
- Ensure that food hygiene standards are not maintained at all times by not wearing gloves, a mask, or headwear while preparing food
- Act without caution in a dangerous environment where there are knives and high temperature surfaces
- Ensure that meals cooked are not nutritious or well balanced by using huge amounts of fat and sugary foods. In short, any food that is likely to cause one of the following ailments: cancer, a heart attack, diabetes, or a stroke.
- Ensure that low-quality (
premier prix) ingredients are used at all times and maintain appropriate stock levels of said ingredients at all times
- Develop a rolling programme of menus from outdated cookery books stored in the attic. Sprinkle flowers on unappetizing meals with dubious ingredients.
- Cobble together meals from a random selection of leftovers
- Keep to the very low budget established by the Scrounger in Chief
Requirements:
Holding no professional qualification, you will have no experience in a similar post. You will be a drifter, loser, and bum with no
projet de vie and absolutely no ambition, apart from continuing to be a drifter, loser, and bum with no
projet de vie and absolutely no ambition.
Possessing no interpersonal and communication skills, you will not be autonomous, rigorous, reliable, or reactive. You will have a low IQ of around 100, be immature, and be given to bouts of hysterical laughter at the drop of a hat. An ability to cook while having a phone or camera shoved in your face at all times of the day or night and an ability to make an absolute tit out of yourself will be seen as advantages for this post.
The successful candidate will show an aptitude for scrounging and a willingness to learn all the skills required to practice this very special art.
Contract: None
Vacancy: August 2021
Wage: None. Free food and lodging in the servants' quarters. 'Studios' available for renting (priced according to surface area and the number of cobwebs)
Working hours: All times of the day and night, weekends, and bank holidays.
To apply for this job please send your certificate of mental disability by email to
[email protected]
She’s stuck in the middle of nowhere with the host legging it as predicted!
