The Chateau Diaries #37 Lalande crap de la crap

[MojoDublin]

The Chateau Diaries Church Of Stephinology Lalande Crap De La Crap

Congratulations @Gibson

Winner with 36.9% votes


Thank you @Hercule P for compiling a Chateau dictionary! and updates
Thanks to @ploppityplop2 for the intro.
Thanks to @MojoDublin and @Rory for Glossaries.
Thanks to @NotAChatelaine for Tattle.Life Word of The Day
Honourable Mention @Gibson Now Resident Q



CD - The Chateau Diaries

Tarts boudoir - Chateau de Lalande
HMN - heap in the middle of nowhere
Flat 34B - bolt hole SJ

LOTL/LOTLL - Lady of the (Lost) Lake, aka Stephanie (b.1975)
SSB- She Who Shouts from the balcony, SJ
QBC- Queen of bed chambers - SJ
MB - Madame Boneyparts -SJ
SJ - Stephanie Jarvis
Fanny - Stephanie Jarvis

MMAF - Mad Man's Arse Face, i.e. mummy
Mini Apron - Isabelle Jarvis (nee Biggio, b.1942) married 1962/3 to Derek Jarvis, widowed 2009, married to Percy Atfield year???

Potty/MP - Michael Potts
Cinder-Ruth- MPotts current squeeze Ruth Kelly (b.1981)

Nitti/Nutty - Nati Oliveto

Floral Roadkill (FRK / RK) - Marie Wiik (b.1991)

BJJ - Baby Jesus Jeans, aka Philip Janssen
PP (Nostril of Lalande) - Prince Philip
UH - Uriah Heep - Philip
Renfield - Philip

MP/MP2/MPK - Michael Petherick (b.1986)
MOLD: Man Of LOST Design - Michael Petherick
Crybaby - Michael Petherick
Sir Trotter BDSM - Michael Petherick
Teabag Trotter - Michael Petherick
Master - Swedish director of Elias Truedsson
BS - Billy Spielberg - Billy Petherick (b.1988)
Trotter, Petherdick - any Petherick family reference
Ma Trotter - Sherrie Petherick
Pa Trotter - Mr Petherick Esq
PILF: The only Petherick I'd like to be filmed with - Pa 'Mick' Trotter

Dear Brenda/BG - Brenda Gibbons (superfan/Facebook admin) from Donegal Ireland
Karen Cbomb - other superfan/admin, Canada
Jumpsuit Jill - rabid serial deletor of unfan comments on premier chat - Jill Scott, New Zealand

Donegals - Limericks (renamed in honour of Dear Brenda)
Agents - Tattlers who find out juicy background info

Chat O (or variations) - Chateau (how Brenda says it)
“BuyMeACoffee” - give me money (no, really, give me money, I really need it)

MBNS;GF - more boring narc stuff; gimme facts

PSDFHB - princess shouting down from her balcony
PRSDBP - princess in her robe shouting down from her balcony at the peasants

Wet Blanket - Fun hoover
Mickey Dodger - Woman who avoids sexual encounters

Thanks to @Rory for the SSB Main Squeeze Glossary:

1. Gregory Francis Mannion Clark - Husband and boyfriend, on and off at uni. SJ approx 18
2. Nic Larkin - apparently just friends at uni (but also dated according to CB?)
3. Married Husband 22-24??? (wedding registered in July 1999, she was 23 at the time)
4. Michael Potts met through Oliver Strong on and off 10 years. Open relationship in the end. Buys Chateau 2005 during relationship age 29.
5. Edmond Fokker van Craayenstein (player in tight trousers who pretends to be an aristocrat-BF with guy who said "let the 80 years-olds die off")
6. Mason Dwinell on and off (last we heard he is still staring at the sun?)
7. Ludwig Norweigner (otherwise known as Nordic Weirdo, alcoholic friend unceremoniously dumped at the train station without a ticket)
8. James Jardine (turned out to be "too much" for the girl who never has enough)
9. Daniel Hengeveld (nicknamed Druggy Daniel, because of his not so secret habits. IJ was furious about that romance and the fact that he introduced narcotics into the shat-o. Christmas 2016)
10. Various volunteers ad nauseum (bread oven guy Walton, Christian We etc.)
11. BJJ (any port in a storm, eh Stephanie?)


Tattle.Life Word of the day
'snollygoster' (19th century): an individual guided by personal gain rather than by principles.

‘ingordigiousness’: extreme greed; an insatiable desire for wealth at any cost.


Château dictionary

BasMinger: Château de Basmaignée/aka Trotter Towers, the spin off Vlogs of the Trotters. @Jeeves

Begmania: château de Basmaignée @Le Comte de Monte Cristo

Cadge: Cadeaux at the Châteaux' channel @Definitely Maybe

Dadification: The attribution of Derek's nature or characteristics at each and every opportunity. @Jeeves

(a) Derek, to be a Derek: someone who is obsessed with boobs @Gibson

(a) Fouquet: as in to pull a Fouquet. The act of using public funds to finance once lavish lifestyle, in honour of the Great Nicolas Fouquet, Louis the XIV’s finance minister and builder of celebrated Château of Vaux-le-Vicomte (the most ostentatious Château of its time, pre-dating the Versailles renovations) who finished his life in jail being accused by the King of mismanagement of funds. @justcommonsense

GAG: Grab a Gift @Mrs O

Gustavo: male prostitute with expensive tastes @Hercule P

High Priestess Skankadankadingdong: SJ's name @lalablahblah

Madrid syndrom: stricto sensu, long journey to have some bedroom activities in a very expensive hotel in the middle of a pandemy
Flexible version, long journey to have some bedroom activities in a very expensive place @Hercule P

Petherfending: defending Petherick @Joy no toile

Selmobile: Selmar’s camper-van vehicle of love and adventure @Princess and the Pea or @Gibson ?????

Spored: bored with Spode, I am so spored right now, or Diesel is spored; he wants his old dog dish back. @ProfessorPlum

Stephanese: What would be your definition? @mummydearest

Stephfending: when I actually do feel the need to defend SJ. @Milre

Stephiphany: a sudden awareness of the chance to swindle @ProfessorPlum

Trolliosis: a debilitating condition caused by Tattlers asking questions or making observations relating to grifting @lalablahblah

To Versailles: to behave like Marie-Antoinette (Sofia Coppola’s dancing, dressing-up, gambling, romanticising nature version of Marie-Antoinette) As in They Versailled again all night yesterday! @justcommonsense

To Versailles up: to make Versailles-inspired design choices that, depending on taste and budget, may result in a nouveau-riche or tat-like look. As in They Versailled up the entrance, it looks [insert preferred adjective]! @justcommonsense

ArtWork @Linus

ARTWORK @Linus



POST OF THE LAST THREAD
CONGRATULATIONS TO THE WINNER @Clara Burnett

Clara Burnett
VIP Member

Members who reacted to message #156
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There’s an interesting part of the shittoo the shittelaine, to the best of my knowledge, has never showed on camera and not because it’s tucked away or hidden. On the contrary, the place where their booze and food is kept - referred to by the inhabitants as their ‘cold room’, is right there in that damp corridor towards the kitchen, in between the laundry room and SJ’s wet dream of a china-pantry.
The real reason for not showing future guests a.k.a. patrons-who-payed-for-their-stay-way-ahead where their meals are coming from is the appalling state of that room, where leftover food is literally left to rot, without anybody caring about any health risks involved. SJ treats food as she does all other objects in her HMN: prepared for status enhancing pictures or vlogs, to be forgotten about straight after. If it’s not cleaned up or thrown out, it’s the helps fault.
It must be because they are literally in the middle of nowhere that there has not been any inspectors around yet, if there were the place would have been closed for business years ago. She lacks the paperwork needed to serve food as well as the proper knowledge on hygiene and food storage. And even if she had the proper knowledge, I sincerely doubt she would care enough to act upon it.
I would not even seriously consider it, obviously, but just for argument’s sake and just looking at the food situation, I would prefer to stay with Fiona and Shrek in their just acquired shittoo; at least they promote self catering, probably inspired by having peeked behind the scenes at the HMN.

 

[elizabethrex]

Re eccentric Davy: the only difference between a crazy man and an eccentric man is money.

He is 100% on the spectrum. I really like him, a sweetheart.

 

[witchgrass]

Phillip needs to familiarize himself with Ballerina Farm. She makes bread every damn day surrounded by immature people screaming in the background, and in unsanitary conditions.

Links to some sites auto removed

There's a couple of sites where links are automatically removed on tattle, explained for each one below. Hidden links - redirection links are removed as it needs to be clear where a user is being sent. Facebook story links - as they doxx the person that shared it. Try to post the photo or...

tattle.life

 

[purejuice]

Re eccentric Davy: the only difference between a crazy man and an eccentric man is money.

He is 100% on the spectrum. I really like him, a sweetheart.

He has an enormous nerdy capacity for detail most fully visible in the Patreon video going over the topological survey with SJ. A recent vlog has him responding to SJ's questions about the differences between the three different kinds of clematis he advised her to buy, and you can see the wheels clicking in his brain as he pulls up detailed, brief and to the point responses specific to her questions. I think there's a lot in his head....I'll be looking for high functioning spectrum behaviors....I'm not seeing any kind of self-soothing going on but will watch. Observing eye contact....he does make it....social smile, etc.

 

[Rory]

I am desperate ti do something with his eyebrows, halfway down his cheeks - they make him look despondent and tragically sad. I'm sure he is a nice guy. His fascination with SJ I don't get.
Why aren't La La fans criticising Selmar for using chateau imagery? Where will he do the dance demonstrations in his camper van? Is he expecting SJ to make a room available at Chateau?

 

[Madame No]

I am desperate ti do something with his eyebrows, halfway down his cheeks - they make him look despondent and tragically sad. I'm sure he is a nice guy. His fascination with SJ I don't get.
Why aren't La La fans criticising Selmar for using chateau imagery? Where will he do the dance demonstrations in his camper van? Is he expecting SJ to make a room available at Chateau?

He's got the tennis court to use.

 

[Arfarf]

I am desperate ti do something with his eyebrows, halfway down his cheeks - they make him look despondent and tragically sad. I'm sure he is a nice guy. His fascination with SJ I don't get.
Why aren't La La fans criticising Selmar for using chateau imagery? Where will he do the dance demonstrations in his camper van? Is he expecting SJ to make a room available at Chateau?

I think for once he feels like he belongs.
Like,... I wish I had lived in June and Ward Cleavers house growing up. Lol ( no, seriously) and Davy may have wished for the camaraderie he feels at Lalande when he was growing up. ( but didn't have).

I think all the people who end up at the shitoo are trying to find something they missed growing up.

 

[Pno]

Re eccentric Davy: the only difference between a crazy man and an eccentric man is money.

He is 100% on the spectrum. I really like him, a sweetheart.

You just know he checked every single box twice before locking them away again. I would be so nervous to have anything of value in the ShatO with all of the carelessness and mine, mine, mine!!

 

[après-le-déluge]

So was that Ruth as in Potty’s Ruth in the grab bag Cadeaux segment ? If it was, she looked really pissy. Not at all buying SJ’s gushing crap

 

[Pno]

Spotted!
BJJ at the opposite end of the table from Sir Methrick…imbibing of course. Wonder who picked up the round? My money is on Edd or Anna. Doubt SJ, FRK, Sir Snorts or Methrick has ever grabbed for the check.

 

[Clara Burnett]

I am desperate ti do something with his eyebrows, halfway down his cheeks - they make him look despondent and tragically sad. I'm sure he is a nice guy. His fascination with SJ I don't get.
Why aren't La La fans criticising Selmar for using chateau imagery? Where will he do the dance demonstrations in his camper van? Is he expecting SJ to make a room available at Chateau?

I feel Selmar joining the grifters on patreon is the ultimate evidence of the contagious behaviour of his mistress. He has always claimed to be interested in working alone and to be able to put effort into making things beautiful. Now he’s suddenly okay with getting paid for doing nothing? He has fallen deep, and not just in my esteem. It will surely be his ticket out of there, sooner than expected perhaps and with hardly anything like a backbone left. No future in this for him and Inreally don’t care. He truly is a scoudral like the rest of them and I don’t mean that in a loving way.

 

[The Gardener]

I feel Selmar joining the grifters on patreon is the ultimate evidence of the contagious behaviour of his mistress. He has always claimed to be interested in working alone and to be able to put effort into making things beautiful. Now he’s suddenly okay with getting paid for doing nothing? He has fallen deep, and not just in my esteem. It will surely be his ticket out of there, sooner than expected perhaps and with hardly anything like a backbone left. No future in this for him and Inreally don’t care. He truly is a scoudral like the rest of them and I don’t mean that in a loving way.

I didn't read it like that. He is staying where he is for a while and so will continue with jobs as before but in the meantime will be looking for his own place with the ballroom.........


While I remain happily employed at Stephanie’s château for the near future, I have a growing aspiration to begin focusing on my own projects. An important goal for me is my future ballroom, where I will return to the monthly Diner Dansant I once used to host. And, because one cannot have a proper, beautiful and permanent ballroom without it being attached to a beautiful building, I will be looking for a château of my own.

I look forward to taking you with me and opening up a little more to you along the way................................

So to me it seems that nothing will change immediately and his trips to find the beautiful building will be filmed as now. Two worries though, Tatyana is one but poor Ruby and the chickens is the other. Chickens won;t mind when he leaves but the little cat will pine probably.

 

[Heathcliffe]

I didn't read it like that. He is staying where he is for a while and so will continue with jobs as before but in the meantime will be looking for his own place with the ballroom.........


While I remain happily employed at Stephanie’s château for the near future, I have a growing aspiration to begin focusing on my own projects. An important goal for me is my future ballroom, where I will return to the monthly Diner Dansant I once used to host. And, because one cannot have a proper, beautiful and permanent ballroom without it being attached to a beautiful building, I will be looking for a château of my own.

I look forward to taking you with me and opening up a little more to you along the way................................

So to me it seems that nothing will change immediately and his trips to find the beautiful building will be filmed as now. Two worries though, Tatyana is one but poor Ruby and the chickens is the other. Chickens won;t mind when he leaves but the little cat will pine probably.

I am sure he will get the cat thrown at him as he leaves, Stephanie is not the patron saint of little people or animals. He is believing the hype though, just like Marie and the rest,- he thinks what is happening with Youtube at Lalande will happen for him. I suspect his followers will dwindle as soon as he closes the door behind him, it is Stephanie Jarvis that has the magic, not the building or anyone else who decides they want a bit of the pie. It will happen what happened to Tomaz, and he will be trying desperately to renovate some old pile...probably alone. Without the hype I bet Tatiana will get bored of him too. I would love to be proven wrong of course, I wish him all the best in fact, he seems a nice man though a bit too much of a dreamer. I am not pessimistic, but I live in the world of finance and I know that money makes the world go round. A message to Seeingitasitis; I think renewal of vowes is something Selmar would do, not me. Never. And please stop talking about expensive skincare people, I would rather not think about how much money my household throws away on stuff that does nothing more than Nivea Have a nice day folks, I am off to make some money...or perhaps I should just set up a Patreon!? Teach people how shares work, how to run a budget, and to surf, and perhaps read their names out loud? First I would have to visit Lalande and seduce the princess...

 

[Hemerocallis]

One thing I don't understand, why does it have to be a château, Selmar ? If you want a ballroom of 10 x 10 m as you said, you would have to buy a château in the size of Versailles or so. In smaller châteaux they used the enfilade rooms for balls, several smaller rooms en suite. If they have a seperate ballroom it's much smaller. Think of the maintaining costs, heating, water, electricity all the year !
IMO some nice farm house with a big barn would be more appropriate for your project. With your skills you could easily insulate it, renovate it and install your ballroom there, with solar panels on the roof. Your house should be located nearby to some bigger town to attract enough people. A-heap-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-château doesn't.

 

[FrenchGirl123]

I didn't read it like that. He is staying where he is for a while and so will continue with jobs as before but in the meantime will be looking for his own place with the ballroom.........


While I remain happily employed at Stephanie’s château for the near future, I have a growing aspiration to begin focusing on my own projects. An important goal for me is my future ballroom, where I will return to the monthly Diner Dansant I once used to host. And, because one cannot have a proper, beautiful and permanent ballroom without it being attached to a beautiful building, I will be looking for a château of my own.

I look forward to taking you with me and opening up a little more to you along the way................................

So to me it seems that nothing will change immediately and his trips to find the beautiful building will be filmed as now. Two worries though, Tatyana is one but poor Ruby and the chickens is the other. Chickens won;t mind when he leaves but the little cat will pine probably.

Another worry : Does Selmar have 800.000 + euros in his bank account to buy a chateau (and a ballroom) ? Not to mention the annual local property taxes, heating, water supply, electricity for such a big building etc.

I doubt that any banks would accept to give him a loan at his age and with his professional situation.

 

[MidCenturyMadOne]

He has an enormous nerdy capacity for detail most fully visible in the Patreon video going over the topological survey with SJ. A recent vlog has him responding to SJ's questions about the differences between the three different kinds of clematis he advised her to buy, and you can see the wheels clicking in his brain as he pulls up detailed, brief and to the point responses specific to her questions. I think there's a lot in his head....I'll be looking for high functioning spectrum behaviors....I'm not seeing any kind of self-soothing going on but will watch. Observing eye contact....he does make it....social smile, etc.

As a mother of spectrum boys on the nerdy but manageable level, the eye contact and social greeting can be learnt as they get older. I see all their quirks in Davy, he’s very sweet.

 

[Espe]

Why aren't La La fans criticising Selmar for using chateau imagery? Where will he do the dance demonstrations in his camper van? Is he expecting SJ to make a room available at Chateau?

SJ must be angry about him using the image of the chateau to promote himself. I would not Stephfend but those fans were correct when they talked about all these people new to YouTube weakening her brand. Both Selmar and Marie are doing this. The fans who sell stuff on Etsy with the Chateau image and also the "staff" all think they belong to a "family", and therefore they think they can use the name and image to promote themselves and their "products" without asking for permission. SJ has created a cult and a rod for her own back.

So was that Ruth as in Potty’s Ruth in the grab bag Cadeaux segment ?

No, she doesn't take part. I think you probably mean Fanny, a new volunteer. I got the impression she might be from Germany but she didn't say much so I am not sure. She must be wondering what on earth is going on; when people arrive and are immediately filmed at a gift grab, they look extremely uncomfortable watching the circus performance, remember Andie, Mandy, and Davy who obviously hates it too?

 

[Milre]

He has an enormous nerdy capacity for detail most fully visible in the Patreon video going over the topological survey with SJ. A recent vlog has him responding to SJ's questions about the differences between the three different kinds of clematis he advised her to buy, and you can see the wheels clicking in his brain as he pulls up detailed, brief and to the point responses specific to her questions. I think there's a lot in his head....I'll be looking for high functioning spectrum behaviors....I'm not seeing any kind of self-soothing going on but will watch. Observing eye contact....he does make it....social smile, etc.

If this is already highspectrum then I am over the top spectrum. To me he was just professional. He is a gardenarchitect so obviously he should know his plants. Even I as a hobby gardener know the stuff about clematis. Talking about the survey was just like I espect a business meeting to be where I pay someone for his skills and knowledge.
SJ might not be used to it because the moment people see she is silly they switch to drinking cocktails and fun and laughter and start betray her. That's how she ended with a geothermal heating which is probably heating the non existing lake.
And as you can see even with Selmar who is not delivering anymore from the moment he heard her praise him over the top for being slow and after some "I love you'd". Also Dan who gets even paid doesn't seem to deliver like he used to. He comes to LaLande to practice with his drone

SJ must be angry about him using the image of the chateau to promote himself. I would not Stephfend but those fans were correct when they talked about all these people new to YouTube weakening her brand. Both Selmar and Marie are doing this. The fans who sell stuff on Etsy with the Chateau image and also the "staff" all think they belong to a "family", and therefore they think they can use the name and image to promote themselves and their "products" without asking for permission. SJ has created a cult and a rod for her own back.


No, she doesn't take part. I think you probably mean Fanny, a new volunteer. I got the impression she might be from Germany but she didn't say much so I am not sure. She must be wondering what on earth is going on;

One thing I don't understand, why does it have to be a château, Selmar ? If you want a ballroom of 10 x 10 m as you said, you would have to buy a château in the size of Versailles or so. In smaller châteaux they used the enfilade rooms for balls, several smaller rooms en suite. If they have a seperate ballroom it's much smaller. Think of the maintaining costs, heating, water, electricity all the year !
IMO some nice farm house with a big barn would be more appropriate for your project. With your skills you could easily insulate it, renovate it and install your ballroom there, with solar panels on the roof. Your house should be located nearby to some bigger town to attract enough people. A-heap-in-the-middle-of-nowhere-château doesn't.

He would need 2 Millions to be able to buy it and sustain it. He should buy in the Netherlands if at all since he doesn't speak French and even not English properly. Nobody will come to take dance lessons since he can't dance.
His skills are OK if he gives free lessons at the church.
If he is going to renovate it it will be finished when he is 80.

 

[Dippy Hippy]

I think for once he feels like he belongs.
Like,... I wish I had lived in June and Ward Cleavers house growing up. Lol ( no, seriously) and Davy may have wished for the camaraderie he feels at Lalande when he was growing up. ( but didn't have).

I think all the people who end up at the shitoo are trying to find something they missed growing up.

I think you are so right. Communal living situations will always attract similar types of people. They are often looking for something they can't find in everyday life, an escape, a fantasy. Games and play are a big part of this.
When I was young I lived in a commune in an old mansion for a while, (I was a true dippy hippy), and we had regular games nights, charades, fancy dress etc. It's easy to start out feeling you are part of a perfect community. It feels like a utopia, a new way of living. Then the cracks start to show and the personality clashes start. People have affairs, then break up which can destabilise a close community. . You start to get bored and annoyed by some of the people and realise that some are social misfits or mentally ill and do you really want to be there with them? and at that point you go back to reality..( Iris Murdoch's novel "The Bell" is a great novel about a fracturing commune.)
I think the earlier vlogs were lovely. The volunteers were nice, youngish people looking for adventure before they settled down in their lives. Now it feels as if every new person is on the make, clinging on to Stephanie, to launch their own business or vlog, as Stephanie hags becomes obsessed with collecting tat to appease her rich patreons. The dynamics have changed. Even otherwordly Selmar had got in on the act.
I was actually pleased to see Michael Potts Nic and their partners return to the chateau. The vlogs were getting so boring. I'm looking forward to Cat returning, (if she can with all the confusion over the amber status France has in the UK.).

 

[KiKiGee]

Spotted!
BJJ at the opposite end of the table from Sir Methrick…imbibing of course. Wonder who picked up the round? My money is on Edd or Anna. Doubt SJ, FRK, Sir Snorts or Methrick has ever grabbed for the check.

ALLIGATOR ARMS
Someone that never offers to pay for anything. They suddenly can't reach their wallet/purse when its time to pay the bill because they are cheap.