The advice thread for random problems #7

[Snippysnips]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I had a lab, he was a rescue at a year old an what I can say is they are NOT easy, I had mine 15 years an loved him to bits, however he come into a adult only household an there were 4 of us, they are incredibly energetic all their days, like am not kidding he was still bounding about at like age 12/13 etc, they literally do not come out that "puppy" stage, they take a hell of a work (I was main trainer)

Your friend is being an asshole, anyone with any sense should be understanding that dogs are not easy regardless of breed an with a toddler as well I think it has been more that unfair to leave you in this position, the dog isn't going to eventually calm down an be placid, I loved my boy to bits but christ there wasn't a day he wasn't bouncing off the walls

You also have vets to think about, the older labs get the more problems they are prone too (as like with all dogs) we were thousands with some things during his lifetime, then you have the stupid things like for example a bent tail due to idiotic behaviour they can get into

You need to give your friend the ultimatum, either he finds a new home for the dog or you do, it's not fair to either of you to be left like this

 

[Queenbee22]

Thank you all
I’m 36 now so it’s time for me to move on but I do feel quite sad about it and it all feels a bit scary and huge! I’m sure the excitement will kick in, I’ve just never moved away from home once not even for uni so it’s a big deal

 

[veryfondoftea]

Hi everybody, not sure where else to put this but random seems to fit. I have this general feeling that I am unable to tolerate life.....I am not suicidal, I am not depressed, I am anxious though. But this is more of a feeling that as soon as some kind of minor inconvenience comes along, like a change of appointment, or an extra task, or my daughters friends aren't free when I have tried to arrange a playdate, or my husband is upset with me or something, I go straight from regulated to completely unregulated and cannot cope with the feelings. I have always had this overarching feeling that I would be better off dead, not that I have or had any plans to take my life. Does any of this make sense?! I am just fed up with feeling like this and don't know why I do feel like this so I am kinda hoping someone recognises themselves in this and has already found the answer!

 

[petitspois]

I’ve got a job offer for a role I’m overqualified for. It’s slightly more pay than my previous one, more flexibility, and the people seem genuinely nice. The thing is my duties in the role will be more assisting and a lot less stressful than what I’ve had before. At this stage in my life I wasn’t looking to be mentally tested or gain further knowledge in the field so I don’t mind the reduction in work load. I’m just thinking whether to let my new colleagues know this information if they ask or not and whether that changes anything. I don’t want someone to be annoyed that I don’t have to do as much work. I’m also hoping I don’t be frustrated at someone explaining something to me that I already know from my old job.

Keep quiet! Nothing good can come of telling people. If you get frustrated, just remember the benefits and, remember, you can always look for something else.

 

[Bawsack89]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I feel reassured by your comments, he really is a beautiful boy and I know how happy he will make someone. Labs need one to one attention and constant stimulation, which is something I didn't know before I got him. I didn't research properly as it was a last minute unexpected thing and I stupidly didn't realise how big he would get. I'm thinking from the dogs point of view too, he is loved and treated very well (2 walks per day, treats, cuddles etc) but I'm drained by the end of every day and he's bored, I feel guilty. I have made up my mind and will be going ahead with a local rescue by the end of the week if my friend doesn't take him back. He is trying to find an alternative owner in the local area so he can still see the dog, he sees him often which is another reason he's so angry about this. He is going to miss him but he isn't the one responsible, he just pops in for an hour whenever he is around and that's it, he just doesn't understand what it is like to be stressed out all day every day. Thank you for all your advice, it really helped.

 

[Kim Mild]

Is there an way i can email my 6 years school without sounding like a grade A *head?
I changed my daughter's surname in the midst of applying for primary schools, so on the original forms she still had dad's surname. Once she got into the primary school she had my surname (by legal deed poll), so on all her school forms/books she has new surname. She only knows herself as new surname. The school uses an app for everyday updates but this was registered under her old surname. Daughter likes to see "her points" on the app which causes questions on " why I am x previous surname?" Which is too complicated to explain due to her age. How can I politely ask that the new surname is changed on the app? Dad died by suicide, daughter is aware of dad's first name but not surname as he wasn't the best person so id like her to learn the best of him (i do this for her, not him) as, if she was to google his full name then not great stories would come up (she wouldnt do this at this age but the longer I can keep her "innocent" i feel would be better for her) So how do I ask this is changed if possible? Without sounding like an AI bot?

Good morning,
Daughter surname is written incorrectly on the app . This is causing unnecessary upset. Please update with the correct one.
Kind regards
Ms bubbles

 

[Lynx]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

 

[Ray1403]

How’d you deal with people not ever wanting to come to your house and you feel like you’re always going there?

We waited it out because I was a bit pissed off with it (we have a 9month old and 2/nearly 3 year old so it’s not the fastest or hassle free to get out of the house) but it had been over a month since we last saw my parents, who live only a 25min drive away, before they bothered to just come here and my dad was too tired to even come apparently so it was just my mum. And before that I don’t think they’d even been to visit since early September (again just my mum). Could probably count on one hand the amount of times they’ve been to our house in the last year.

Do I just need to start inviting them here more or coming up with reasons why we can’t leave the house? I’m sure they’d still suggest going there though

i’m the complete opposite, would much rather go to someone elses house than have people in my space i think people get offended that i don’t invite them over

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

 

[Ray1403]

Is out of date sudocreme ok to use if it smells and looks ok?

i don’t think i’ve ever used sudocreme that was in date see also germolene, vaseline, iodine dressings etc

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

You are definitely not being a dick. Your health and your kids have to come first.

Until a couple of years ago, we had a labrador. Everyone says they're intelligent and easy to train, but ours was a bloody nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I loved her and I miss her, but god she was hard work at times, and I have made it very clear to Mr Biscuit that we will never have a labrador in this house again.

They say labs take longer to mature than other breeds, so that bouncy puppy behaviour hangs around longer, and they're big strong animals to be dealing with.

As someone else said, give him a deadline to deal with it himself. Do it in writing so he can't deny that you asked. If he doesn't sort it then there are dedicated labrador rescues who will be able to help find him a new home that's suitable for him and can give him what he needs.

And tell your "friend" if it's "his dog" then you'll be sending him a bill for all the money you've spent on the dog the past 6 months.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Advice on dealing with aggressive/rude colleagues...

So I posted in the previous thread about a colleague quite aggressively coming up to me in the break room, in front of CEO and deputy CEO, and continually asking me to explain 'why I'd say I'm happy to do something when I'm not'. For context, we're a newly merged team, figuring out roles/responsibilities, she tried to dump a task on me she didn't like and got told by our boss not to do that - thus she was angry at me. I was incredibly shocked and hurt she'd try and maim my reputation in the workplace like that, in front of senior management.

I spoke to my boss about what happened and she said she'd speak to her, as she didn't want to reward that behaviour. Well, she was promoted the week after, to the shock of the team. It was incredibly awkward for all. Everyone sat in silence, shocked beyond words. Half of the team felt their own efforts weren't being rewarded and the other half, who have also had run ins with her, were just pissed.

Since then (we are now at the same seniority level), she speaks to me as if I am her intern. Push back on demands (she asked me to issue a notification to our team, I said we had done one two days ago - no need) is met with indirect accusations I am not doing my job. When I was courteous and did her request, my boss snapped at me for sending too many notifications. So I'm stuck in the middle.

My strategy so far has been to only engage with this colleague for work-related talk. We used to chat and get on well, so this is a big difference. While I was out of the office last week for a conference, she edited a Teams message (so no notification) stating she'd like to 'clear the air with an open and honest conversation'.

My issue is this: I don't see this as an honesty problem. I haven't ever been dishonest, but right from the start, she seems keen to accuse me of lying, or hiding how I feel, etc. My gut says not to enter into this conversation. It also doesn't help that my boss now thinks the sun shines out of her bum. So should I clear the air? Or am I setting myself up for more issues?

Thank you!!

I almost feel like you are in a lose-lose situation. I’d just ignore her apart from any work related issues.
Do not do her menial tasks, like you said you are not her intern. Make sure to follow up everything in writing so there is evidence.
Do not help her even a little. Just quietly disengage

 

[Magwitch]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

It’s a bit much calling the OP a doormat because she’s trying to work out the best way to go about celebrating her dad’s birthday! Sure the brother is being selfish but in this situation the adult thing to do is compromise, not throw all her toys out of the pram and insist on going on the original date and causing conflict and upset. Could be that the father doesn’t give a shiny shite if the celebration is a few days early if it means the whole family will be there. Most people older than 12 don’t. Life is easier and more fun when you don’t try and make a battle out of absolutely everything.

 

[conrea37]

This sounds very like the Ross Gellar leather pants debacle…

You could make a pair of paste pants and she won’t know the difference

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Husband and I own a house which we are about to rent out as we are moving away. We plan to sell the house in the next 2 years. The boiler has broken. Someone came on Saturday and said we need a new part. We called the same company to double check something about the part and his boss told us this part is likely going to be 80 percent successful and it may better to get a whole new boiler. The guy on Saturday was pretty adamant what the issue is but his boss is maintaining that it may be better to just get a new boiler. We have asked for the direct number of the guy who came on Saturday, who we have been told is a sub contractor, and the boss said he will check to see if the SC is happy to give his number out. The SC also told us he would give us a good price for the install and his boss is quoting at least £220, which is around 2 hours labour. We already paid £130 for the call out.

Also to note that we got the boiler serviced by someone else a few months ago and it was all fine.

It’s a cheap boiler, a Heatline one, the the issue is an F28 code and we have been told it needs a new heat valve.

Any advice? We have two kids and currently no heating and hot water.

My personal opinion is if you are looking to sell in the next two years get yourselves a new boiler. One with at least a 10 year warranty. It will make a huge difference when it comes to selling your property.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

She was under there care, so yes they rang me but surely it's their duty to make so she was okay

I don’t want to minimise your feelings as you are clearly upset.
But unless your child was in immediate danger then it’s your duty to make decisions on what you want to do.
They called you and you took her to a&e. I think your expectations of what should happen is unrealistic.

 

[Snippysnips]

don’t apologise - it was clear what you meant and isn’t a big deal anyway

Thanks, I know my grammar is shit, it's hard enough trying to read then type on a white background when it just all appears mixed up to me

 

[boatofbubbles]

This is really an odd one (even for me) a pigeon flew into my window, it survived. It didnt seem injured maybe just stunned. Anyways after a couple of hours it was still just in my garden so I managed to track down it's owner. Unfortunately he cant collect tonight, so im pigeon sitting for the night, im terrified it might die in my care. A bit wary of birds but I don't want anything bad to happen.

 

[Bread]

I was walking my dog this morning and two builders' vans were parked right across the pavement outside a house, blocking it entirely (and on double yellows to boot). I (politely) asked them to move but they said they were allowed to park there and they didn't have anywhere else to park (apart from the massive drive of the house where they're working). They said people could walk round the van or on the grass. I pointed out people shouldn't have to go in the road and that wheelchairs/pushchairs need extra space, whereupon the bloke said he was going to ignore me and called me a pig. I have told the non emergency police and asked for parking enforcement to go out but it's also been suggested I talk to the people whose house it is (they weren't in residence at the time). I don't mind being bolshy with ignorant construction workers, but I'm kind of dreading falling out with people I may have to see for the next few years. (I've no intention of being rude, but I also will not back down) Just a ramble really...

 

[Former_Antelopee]

I have thought about this however the houses where we currently live are alot more than the value of the inherited house. We currently live in a rented flat and live month to month as it is. It would mean having a bit of a mortgage when we have the opportunity to live rent free.

My daughter has sailed through school, good grades, nice friends, she is a sociable wee thing. I know when you move into secondary you make new friends but she would be starting from scratch.

Its tough, move be mortgage free and alot more comfortable. Stay, try and find a home where we could hopefully have a small mortgage but still probably live month to month but then kids would be more settled. Its so difficult.

I'd probably move anywhere to be mortgage free. That extra money each month you can give your daughter more opportunities with it. If she's just starting secondary school I think that's the perfect time to move, she'd be making new friends anyway as you said but other kids will be in the same situation, not knowing anyone at the school. I remember one of my best friends from primary school moved to a different secondary school to everyone else in our year 6 class so I'm sure others will be in that situation.
Savings probably hundreds of pounds a month on rent? You'd could save that money quickly and then move if you wanted but be in a better place than if you just bought straight away with the money from the house and a mortgage. It's also a bad time to sell right now and mortgage rates are high so not to have to worry about that would be nice