The advice thread for random problems #7

[Bawsack89]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I feel reassured by your comments, he really is a beautiful boy and I know how happy he will make someone. Labs need one to one attention and constant stimulation, which is something I didn't know before I got him. I didn't research properly as it was a last minute unexpected thing and I stupidly didn't realise how big he would get. I'm thinking from the dogs point of view too, he is loved and treated very well (2 walks per day, treats, cuddles etc) but I'm drained by the end of every day and he's bored, I feel guilty. I have made up my mind and will be going ahead with a local rescue by the end of the week if my friend doesn't take him back. He is trying to find an alternative owner in the local area so he can still see the dog, he sees him often which is another reason he's so angry about this. He is going to miss him but he isn't the one responsible, he just pops in for an hour whenever he is around and that's it, he just doesn't understand what it is like to be stressed out all day every day. Thank you for all your advice, it really helped.

 

[Kim Mild]

Is there an way i can email my 6 years school without sounding like a grade A *head?
I changed my daughter's surname in the midst of applying for primary schools, so on the original forms she still had dad's surname. Once she got into the primary school she had my surname (by legal deed poll), so on all her school forms/books she has new surname. She only knows herself as new surname. The school uses an app for everyday updates but this was registered under her old surname. Daughter likes to see "her points" on the app which causes questions on " why I am x previous surname?" Which is too complicated to explain due to her age. How can I politely ask that the new surname is changed on the app? Dad died by suicide, daughter is aware of dad's first name but not surname as he wasn't the best person so id like her to learn the best of him (i do this for her, not him) as, if she was to google his full name then not great stories would come up (she wouldnt do this at this age but the longer I can keep her "innocent" i feel would be better for her) So how do I ask this is changed if possible? Without sounding like an AI bot?

Good morning,
Daughter surname is written incorrectly on the app . This is causing unnecessary upset. Please update with the correct one.
Kind regards
Ms bubbles

 

[Lynx]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.

 

[Ray1403]

How’d you deal with people not ever wanting to come to your house and you feel like you’re always going there?

We waited it out because I was a bit pissed off with it (we have a 9month old and 2/nearly 3 year old so it’s not the fastest or hassle free to get out of the house) but it had been over a month since we last saw my parents, who live only a 25min drive away, before they bothered to just come here and my dad was too tired to even come apparently so it was just my mum. And before that I don’t think they’d even been to visit since early September (again just my mum). Could probably count on one hand the amount of times they’ve been to our house in the last year.

Do I just need to start inviting them here more or coming up with reasons why we can’t leave the house? I’m sure they’d still suggest going there though

i’m the complete opposite, would much rather go to someone elses house than have people in my space i think people get offended that i don’t invite them over

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

You are definitely not being a dick. Your health and your kids have to come first.

Until a couple of years ago, we had a labrador. Everyone says they're intelligent and easy to train, but ours was a bloody nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I loved her and I miss her, but god she was hard work at times, and I have made it very clear to Mr Biscuit that we will never have a labrador in this house again.

They say labs take longer to mature than other breeds, so that bouncy puppy behaviour hangs around longer, and they're big strong animals to be dealing with.

As someone else said, give him a deadline to deal with it himself. Do it in writing so he can't deny that you asked. If he doesn't sort it then there are dedicated labrador rescues who will be able to help find him a new home that's suitable for him and can give him what he needs.

And tell your "friend" if it's "his dog" then you'll be sending him a bill for all the money you've spent on the dog the past 6 months.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Advice on dealing with aggressive/rude colleagues...

So I posted in the previous thread about a colleague quite aggressively coming up to me in the break room, in front of CEO and deputy CEO, and continually asking me to explain 'why I'd say I'm happy to do something when I'm not'. For context, we're a newly merged team, figuring out roles/responsibilities, she tried to dump a task on me she didn't like and got told by our boss not to do that - thus she was angry at me. I was incredibly shocked and hurt she'd try and maim my reputation in the workplace like that, in front of senior management.

I spoke to my boss about what happened and she said she'd speak to her, as she didn't want to reward that behaviour. Well, she was promoted the week after, to the shock of the team. It was incredibly awkward for all. Everyone sat in silence, shocked beyond words. Half of the team felt their own efforts weren't being rewarded and the other half, who have also had run ins with her, were just pissed.

Since then (we are now at the same seniority level), she speaks to me as if I am her intern. Push back on demands (she asked me to issue a notification to our team, I said we had done one two days ago - no need) is met with indirect accusations I am not doing my job. When I was courteous and did her request, my boss snapped at me for sending too many notifications. So I'm stuck in the middle.

My strategy so far has been to only engage with this colleague for work-related talk. We used to chat and get on well, so this is a big difference. While I was out of the office last week for a conference, she edited a Teams message (so no notification) stating she'd like to 'clear the air with an open and honest conversation'.

My issue is this: I don't see this as an honesty problem. I haven't ever been dishonest, but right from the start, she seems keen to accuse me of lying, or hiding how I feel, etc. My gut says not to enter into this conversation. It also doesn't help that my boss now thinks the sun shines out of her bum. So should I clear the air? Or am I setting myself up for more issues?

Thank you!!

I almost feel like you are in a lose-lose situation. I’d just ignore her apart from any work related issues.
Do not do her menial tasks, like you said you are not her intern. Make sure to follow up everything in writing so there is evidence.
Do not help her even a little. Just quietly disengage

 

[Magwitch]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

It’s a bit much calling the OP a doormat because she’s trying to work out the best way to go about celebrating her dad’s birthday! Sure the brother is being selfish but in this situation the adult thing to do is compromise, not throw all her toys out of the pram and insist on going on the original date and causing conflict and upset. Could be that the father doesn’t give a shiny shite if the celebration is a few days early if it means the whole family will be there. Most people older than 12 don’t. Life is easier and more fun when you don’t try and make a battle out of absolutely everything.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

She was under there care, so yes they rang me but surely it's their duty to make so she was okay

I don’t want to minimise your feelings as you are clearly upset.
But unless your child was in immediate danger then it’s your duty to make decisions on what you want to do.
They called you and you took her to a&e. I think your expectations of what should happen is unrealistic.

 

[Snippysnips]

don’t apologise - it was clear what you meant and isn’t a big deal anyway

Thanks, I know my grammar is shit, it's hard enough trying to read then type on a white background when it just all appears mixed up to me

 

[boatofbubbles]

This is really an odd one (even for me) a pigeon flew into my window, it survived. It didnt seem injured maybe just stunned. Anyways after a couple of hours it was still just in my garden so I managed to track down it's owner. Unfortunately he cant collect tonight, so im pigeon sitting for the night, im terrified it might die in my care. A bit wary of birds but I don't want anything bad to happen.

 

[Bread]

I was walking my dog this morning and two builders' vans were parked right across the pavement outside a house, blocking it entirely (and on double yellows to boot). I (politely) asked them to move but they said they were allowed to park there and they didn't have anywhere else to park (apart from the massive drive of the house where they're working). They said people could walk round the van or on the grass. I pointed out people shouldn't have to go in the road and that wheelchairs/pushchairs need extra space, whereupon the bloke said he was going to ignore me and called me a pig. I have told the non emergency police and asked for parking enforcement to go out but it's also been suggested I talk to the people whose house it is (they weren't in residence at the time). I don't mind being bolshy with ignorant construction workers, but I'm kind of dreading falling out with people I may have to see for the next few years. (I've no intention of being rude, but I also will not back down) Just a ramble really...

 

[littlepup]

Has anyone ever bought or been given a gift experience from websites like Wonder days? Are they any good ?

Driving experiences and the like are usually very basic and require taking out extra insurance, upselling more time/laps, better cars, pictures etc at the time so cost the recipitant way more. They can also be restrictive with dates and locations selling out. My OH ended up paying about £80 extra to make it remotely worthwhile (the included cars weren’t great, anything decent was booked out months in advance) and having to compromise on dates/location.

I know someone who got a birthday package with an afternoon tea at a fancy restaurant, a comedy club evening and something else but the use by date was stupidly short, the afternoon tea could only be a week day, the comedy club was a week night and they couldn’t do it to coincide so they ended up having to travel to London twice to use them.

Basically, thoroughly check the restrictions/ts&cs because you’re probably as well to book direct or buy a voucher direct so you know exactly what you’re getting than go via a middle man.

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I don't think so. I always think it's better to rehome and animal if the human hates life with the animal, as if you don't enjoy it then you won't be giving the dog it's best life imo and it's better for the dog to find someone who will enjoy like with it so the dog can live to the best if it's ability. You could ask your vets if they have any recommendations for rescues or look into breed specific rescues might be the easiest way

 

[DiscoBiscuit]

What’s the best thing to do with very worn, stained baby/ toddler clothes? They are in too bad condition to sell or give to a charity shop. Should I throw them away (which makes me feel bad but I don’t think I have any choice)?

Do you have a place locally that buys old clothes by weight? The one near us takes anything in any condition, apart from branded work uniforms. They sort out the good bits for re-sale, then the stuff that's no good is sent for recycling.
Our local food and clothing bank also collects the no good stuff, takes it to the weigh-in place, and uses the money to buy supplies.

 

[chickhicks86]

A relative died and left me money. Ive debts I must use it to pay, hence them leaving it to me, e.g. landlord/credit cards/energy/money towards being evicted. It’s for £7,500. I cant get any advice before March and honestly I don’t trust them as they set up my UC and stole from me, handing my claim around the office and allowing strangers to attend jobcentre “on my behalf”, police wouldn’t help as they had a consent form signed by me saying they could contact anyone, I just didn’t know that meant anyone, including volunteers of the organisation could claim to be me. The transition to UC I trusted them with they screwed up And I cannot access my account because it was set up by them.

I am banned from jobcentre because they triggered PTSD attack, and find dealing with me “too upsetting”.

I don’t know what to do, yes I’ve only just been formally contacted, at gone midnight.. everything is closed tomorrow due to weather.

Ive no gp, no social worker, no one now.

The money can’t go to anywhere else except my main account and it’ll all be taken immediately for debt, and end my small amount of ESA (CB) around and UC (I get around £300 a month for everything). I can’t stop it being taken. I’m being taken to court for non payment of debt and have fines for not paying, because the apps don’t work and the helplines are AI. I feel awful now for even telling.

Im going to end up with nothing at all and I’m terrified.

Who is "them" and what do you actually need advice with? Why do you not want the money taken for your debts if that was the intended use? I don't really underestand what you're asking...

 

[Serene Serena]

I would steer clear of anything with religious content. Just buy the baby a cute tableware set with his name on.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Does anyone had any ideas or advice for a cat who refuses to wear a collar?! My friend has had her cat for three years, but he’s always been kept inside so she didn’t have a collar on him. She’s now moved to a house with a garden and wants him to be free to roam more but only if he wears a collar. The little devil keeps breaking out of them!

I second this. Cat collars are essentially made to be “lost/broken” because if it get’s caught it can kill them. I wouldn’t worry about him not wearing a collar as lonh as he is chipped

 

[Snippysnips]

I’ve got a job offer for a role I’m overqualified for. It’s slightly more pay than my previous one, more flexibility, and the people seem genuinely nice. The thing is my duties in the role will be more assisting and a lot less stressful than what I’ve had before. At this stage in my life I wasn’t looking to be mentally tested or gain further knowledge in the field so I don’t mind the reduction in work load. I’m just thinking whether to let my new colleagues know this information if they ask or not and whether that changes anything. I don’t want someone to be annoyed that I don’t have to do as much work. I’m also hoping I don’t be frustrated at someone explaining something to me that I already know from my old job.

I agree with above, don't say a word, it may lead to them thinking that because it's less work then they can start to slowly offload more work freely, just think of the benefits an keep quiet

 

[littlepup]

Question for you all? What have you bought that has enhanced or made your life easier? I have a budget of about €500 and want to buy myself something beneficial to me. I'm a busy working Mum of two autistic preteens. Life has been hard (think fighting for every little thing!) up until the last year of two but we seem to have come through it and finally we have a little extra cash for us.

Air fryer, water tooth flosser and electric toothbrush, hallway shoe cabinet, a decent vacuum cleaner so it’s not such a mission and a stick one too for inbetween easy cleans, a dishmatic sponge on a stick thingy that you fill with washing up liquid for about £2.50, ready meals (as a person who usually cooks everything from scratch), fast flow shower head, a good bleach spray that does 1/2 the cleaning for you (less scrubbing, bleach isn’t the enemy), putting the washing on when you have a min rather than waiting for a full load and tumble drying ( I would usually wait for cheap rates and hang out then Panic about rain), clothes steamer, chucking socks and buying new that all match rather than trying to pair 1000 different white socks,..

I think spreading the cost on small things can be more rewarding than one expensive device. A year of tumble drying and no ironing if you’re quick to fold while warm is better than a good steam iron/steamer because it saves hanging it in the first place and the time to iron, for instance. Also think of the niggly small things like if you’re always running out for milk and loo roll and set up a delivery, Amazon subscribe to toothpaste, silly things can give you one less job and thing to think about can take the weight off x