The advice thread for random problems #7

[BoogleC]

I don’t know if this is the right thread for it but I got dumped by my partner last week, quite brutally and he just packed all of his things and left. We were going through a really rough patch but I didn’t think but I didn’t see it coming. It’s been over a week but I’ve been feeling worse and worse each day, I know this will pass eventually but my god it is so painful. To think the person I love doesn’t want me anymore.

 

[Darvos]

Ooh, thank you! I'll keep it as brief as possible, basically friend has met a Romanian online and this person has had endless medical disasters (amongst many other things including being 'kidnapped' that all result in him desperately needing money)

He's supposedly had huge medical bills (including £2500 for an ambulance in Bucharest!) and has done a runner 3 times from hospital as he doesn't have insurance. He's claiming he's been arrested and has been told he'll be going to prison for non payment. Please could you ask your friend if this sounds legit? I really don't think it is.. TIA

With all the love to your friend and to you, who is being a great mate, and with absolutely no knowledge of the Romanian medical system, that is textbook scam

 

[Ray1403]

If someone seems uninterested whenever you have ethnic hairstyles and not straight hair would you say they don’t like you at all? Gone on a few dates and he can’t even look at me when I have natural textured hair.

nah i’m sorry but if he can’t even look at you with your natural hair that’s a big ol’ red flag to me

 

[conrea37]

I’m gonna try really hard not to doxx myself here…

Someone I know has been joking to a group of us about some wildlife cruelty they recently did. So cruel it ended the animal’s life. They seemed to think we’d all laugh and joke with them about it but very quickly started changing the story to say “for legal reasons” xyz happened and now they’re trying to say they were joking and it never happened after all. The thing is, they gave so many details that there’s no chance it didn’t happen.

Should I report it to the police? I want to remain anonymous so the animal welfare contact is not an option. I’m aware that a fine can be involved but also a prison sentence. I don’t think this person should get away with what they’ve done but I think the guilt of a potential prison sentence would weigh heavily on me.

Report it. No excuse for animal cruelty

 

[boatofbubbles]

That’s really lovely of you to go to that trouble. I hope it’s survived the night?

The pigeon survived the night. The owner got lost finding us but it is happily on its way home and should make a full recovery. The owner said the pigeon got lost in the strong winds we've been having lately.

 

[Carapop]

Have you considered getting an actual lion for your garden? That would almost certainly deter any dogs.

 

[Queenbee22]

Not really a problem but I’ve just had my offer accepted for my first home I’ve lived with my mum all my life so I’m naturally feeling really daunted and anxious at the moment. Any advice or encouraging words? Also the hugeness of it all has totally turned my tummy which isn’t helping! Any anxious tummy sufferer advice appreciated!

 

[Snippysnips]

I did try a caffeine shampoo a while ago but didn't see much difference but please can you learn to use anD instead of an?

Sorry my dyslexia bothered you, maybe if my school had cared AND helped me then my grammar wouldn't be so bad it's a struggle in life enough

 

[JoeBloggs]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

If the dog has put your child in danger and it is affecting your health, you have no option. If your friend thinks that housing his dog is more important than that he is not your friend.

I would give him a date by which he can make alternative arrangements to find the dog somewhere else, or you will.

 

[charlied0106]

I’m really unsure about what Christmas card to send to my father from my 10 month old daughter. I’ve sent him dad cards from me and hubby for Father’s Day and his birthday and grandad ones from my daughter. His response to the last grandad card was “not sure about being a grandad”… It’s a long story but he’s only met her once and doesn’t have a relationship with her. His wife - who I used to call mum but I have reverted back to calling her my stepmum - is really bitter that I’ve had a baby and she hasn’t (there’s 25 years difference between them) and both my parents had a horrible reaction to my pregnancy announcement. My dad has lost his spine when it comes to his wife it seems.

Anyway, back to the cards… do I just send him one saying grandad from my daughter and a parents one to them both from hubby and I? Will my stepmum kick off if she’s not included in the grandad card? I overheard her telling my wedding nanny that she “isn’t anything” to my daughter because she’s too old to be a grandma… despite being married to my father for almost 20 years.

Am I overthinking this? My parents are a huge source of trauma for me (I’ve done a lot of EMDR therapy) so I’m trying to protect myself from another Christmas argument (after they made me miss last year’s Christmas dinner with hubby and in-laws). Do I just wait to see what kind of card they send to us first and just reciprocate that?

Send them a "From our home to yours" card. Fuck stressing over people who bring you pain 🩷

 

[Former_Antelopee]

Just to add I think people get too much hate for rehoming dogs. I'd rather the dog be in a home where it's wanted than have a life where it's just put up with because the owner knows they'll be judged for admitting they need to re-home it

 

[RoseyThorney]

Thanks all, turns out a couple of others in our friendship group have already reported him.

 

[Carapop]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I won’t restate everything already said but I really hope you read it and heed it and it offers some comfort and reassurance.

My two cents:

You were an absolute gem to take on that puppy when you did, you gave it more than a fair chance, you have enough evidence to confidently say that you cannot offer the dog a longterm home as it puts your health and your child’s health both at risk.

If your friend was so concerned about the dog then why did they not find a new place to live where they could keep the puppy? Why is it so apparently reasonable that you entirely upend your life but your friend shouldn’t have to deal with any consequences? Either they are responsible for the dog or they’re not.

 

[Snippysnips]

Hi everyone, I'm jumping in here because I need a bit of advice and I've nobody left to ask IRL. My friend got a labrador puppy back in October, we have been friends for 15 years. He had the dog about 3 months before he was told the dog was unable to continue living in his current accommodation. The landlord basically said the dog goes or they both go due to neighbours complaining about barking and his roommate was allergic to him. In January, he talked me into taking the dog. I find it very difficult to say no or put myself first because I am a people pleaser due to autism. I have struggled since day one. I thought I would manage because so many people say how amazing dogs are and how they couldn't be without them. I only heard positive things. I have tried and tried, spent hundreds of pounds on training but he is so energetic and I am so stressed. I cannot do anything, I can't sit down to have a meal, I can't read to my toddler, I can't play with my toddler, leaving the house is an army mission. I am shattered, stressed and really not enjoying this at all. He is now 11 months old, absolutely gorgeous but way too much work and I am not coping. I have had three heart attacks (I'm only 35) with the most recent in may this year and have been diagnosed with angina so the constant high blood pressure from the stress is making me ill. He has hurt my 2yo a couple of times stealing food from her and knocking her over, never intentional hurt but hurt all the same. It's got to the point where I have told my friend that I can't do it and he needs to be rehomed with someone who can give him everything he needs. I am too ill to manage this. Friend has gone ballistic, blocked me on everything and won't speak to me. He is angry with me for not coping and is furious that "his dog" needs to go. He can't take him back because of his circumstances so I have suggested a rescue which got me blocked.

Am I being a dick? I have tried for 6 months and all it's done is stress me out and upset me. I cry most days because I don't know what to do. I'm not a monster, just not a dog person and the kids are miserable too.

Anyone been in a similar situation?

I had a lab, he was a rescue at a year old an what I can say is they are NOT easy, I had mine 15 years an loved him to bits, however he come into a adult only household an there were 4 of us, they are incredibly energetic all their days, like am not kidding he was still bounding about at like age 12/13 etc, they literally do not come out that "puppy" stage, they take a hell of a work (I was main trainer)

Your friend is being an asshole, anyone with any sense should be understanding that dogs are not easy regardless of breed an with a toddler as well I think it has been more that unfair to leave you in this position, the dog isn't going to eventually calm down an be placid, I loved my boy to bits but christ there wasn't a day he wasn't bouncing off the walls

You also have vets to think about, the older labs get the more problems they are prone too (as like with all dogs) we were thousands with some things during his lifetime, then you have the stupid things like for example a bent tail due to idiotic behaviour they can get into

You need to give your friend the ultimatum, either he finds a new home for the dog or you do, it's not fair to either of you to be left like this

 

[Queenbee22]

Thank you all
I’m 36 now so it’s time for me to move on but I do feel quite sad about it and it all feels a bit scary and huge! I’m sure the excitement will kick in, I’ve just never moved away from home once not even for uni so it’s a big deal

 

[veryfondoftea]

Hi everybody, not sure where else to put this but random seems to fit. I have this general feeling that I am unable to tolerate life.....I am not suicidal, I am not depressed, I am anxious though. But this is more of a feeling that as soon as some kind of minor inconvenience comes along, like a change of appointment, or an extra task, or my daughters friends aren't free when I have tried to arrange a playdate, or my husband is upset with me or something, I go straight from regulated to completely unregulated and cannot cope with the feelings. I have always had this overarching feeling that I would be better off dead, not that I have or had any plans to take my life. Does any of this make sense?! I am just fed up with feeling like this and don't know why I do feel like this so I am kinda hoping someone recognises themselves in this and has already found the answer!

 

[petitspois]

I’ve got a job offer for a role I’m overqualified for. It’s slightly more pay than my previous one, more flexibility, and the people seem genuinely nice. The thing is my duties in the role will be more assisting and a lot less stressful than what I’ve had before. At this stage in my life I wasn’t looking to be mentally tested or gain further knowledge in the field so I don’t mind the reduction in work load. I’m just thinking whether to let my new colleagues know this information if they ask or not and whether that changes anything. I don’t want someone to be annoyed that I don’t have to do as much work. I’m also hoping I don’t be frustrated at someone explaining something to me that I already know from my old job.

Keep quiet! Nothing good can come of telling people. If you get frustrated, just remember the benefits and, remember, you can always look for something else.

 

[Bawsack89]

Thank you all for taking the time to reply. I feel reassured by your comments, he really is a beautiful boy and I know how happy he will make someone. Labs need one to one attention and constant stimulation, which is something I didn't know before I got him. I didn't research properly as it was a last minute unexpected thing and I stupidly didn't realise how big he would get. I'm thinking from the dogs point of view too, he is loved and treated very well (2 walks per day, treats, cuddles etc) but I'm drained by the end of every day and he's bored, I feel guilty. I have made up my mind and will be going ahead with a local rescue by the end of the week if my friend doesn't take him back. He is trying to find an alternative owner in the local area so he can still see the dog, he sees him often which is another reason he's so angry about this. He is going to miss him but he isn't the one responsible, he just pops in for an hour whenever he is around and that's it, he just doesn't understand what it is like to be stressed out all day every day. Thank you for all your advice, it really helped.

 

[Kim Mild]

Is there an way i can email my 6 years school without sounding like a grade A *head?
I changed my daughter's surname in the midst of applying for primary schools, so on the original forms she still had dad's surname. Once she got into the primary school she had my surname (by legal deed poll), so on all her school forms/books she has new surname. She only knows herself as new surname. The school uses an app for everyday updates but this was registered under her old surname. Daughter likes to see "her points" on the app which causes questions on " why I am x previous surname?" Which is too complicated to explain due to her age. How can I politely ask that the new surname is changed on the app? Dad died by suicide, daughter is aware of dad's first name but not surname as he wasn't the best person so id like her to learn the best of him (i do this for her, not him) as, if she was to google his full name then not great stories would come up (she wouldnt do this at this age but the longer I can keep her "innocent" i feel would be better for her) So how do I ask this is changed if possible? Without sounding like an AI bot?

Good morning,
Daughter surname is written incorrectly on the app . This is causing unnecessary upset. Please update with the correct one.
Kind regards
Ms bubbles

 

[Lynx]

Am I reading this right? Your brother books a weekend away, a year in advance. So now your whole family can't go celebrate your dad's birthday on his birthday. But you can all go on another weekend, which is not his birthday and on a bank holiday so everything is more expensive

So your one brother is okay with derailing at least 3 things (birthday, weekend, money) for at least 3 other people. And you're seriously thinking about giving in. Okay doormat, let's not celebrate dad's birthday on his actual birthday but on a more expensive bank weekend just because either your brother doesn't think his dad's birthday is important enough to skip the other thing or the golden child never learned to compromise because *checks notes* his sister is actually thinking about giving in with her mom, dad, time and money a year in advance

Babe, be more like your brother and make yourself a priority

Your comment made me laugh. Don't worry, I am not a doormat. I have spoken with my dad, he doesn't want to celebrate another weekend, it's his birthday after all. And neither do I. I was just wondering what other people's opinions were.

I don't want to move it as it affects more people than just my brother and his wife. They can go away any time of the year, as their children are young adults. Plus it's not just a weekend, they have booked a whole two week trip, so the only viable other option would be the more expensive bank holiday weekend.

I knew something like this would happen, I'm convinced my brother is a narcissist for a multitude of reasons, but one reason in particular is he likes to cause disruption when its someone else's (in the immediate family) birthday, wedding, other special occasion, Christmas etc.

Here's some examples. So he will turn up late to birthday meals and keep everyone waiting, he will park somewhere that only has an hours parking and make a fuss that he needs to rush off through the whole meal, if he turns up early he has text me before and said there's no booking (busy day, big group, causing panic) turns out it's a lie, he will not RSVP to weddings or send menu choices, if it's afternoon tea and cocktails he will refuse to order and will just sit there making it awkward (he can afford it) , he will declare he's ordered and paid for a special birthday cake for a big birthday but turns up with no cake. He's previously agreed to coming away and splitting costs, let me book then denied it all leaving me to pay for it all. Christmas get together, announces he's broken down and is waiting to be towed, turns up an hour late in the car that was towed with no further explanation. You will invite him and his family on days out, casual lunches etc and he will say he will get back to you ( he doesn't), or he simply ignores you, he then either blames you for not reminding him, or declares you haven't invited him and that he is always left out. There's so many more (no wonder his first marriage didn't last).

He is exhausting and you can never win.

PS: He's not the golden child. He takes but doesn't give.