The advice thread for random problems #7

[littlepup]

I’m really unsure about what Christmas card to send to my father from my 10 month old daughter. I’ve sent him dad cards from me and hubby for Father’s Day and his birthday and grandad ones from my daughter. His response to the last grandad card was “not sure about being a grandad”… It’s a long story but he’s only met her once and doesn’t have a relationship with her. His wife - who I used to call mum but I have reverted back to calling her my stepmum - is really bitter that I’ve had a baby and she hasn’t (there’s 25 years difference between them) and both my parents had a horrible reaction to my pregnancy announcement. My dad has lost his spine when it comes to his wife it seems.

Anyway, back to the cards… do I just send him one saying grandad from my daughter and a parents one to them both from hubby and I? Will my stepmum kick off if she’s not included in the grandad card? I overheard her telling my wedding nanny that she “isn’t anything” to my daughter because she’s too old to be a grandma… despite being married to my father for almost 20 years.

Am I overthinking this? My parents are a huge source of trauma for me (I’ve done a lot of EMDR therapy) so I’m trying to protect myself from another Christmas argument (after they made me miss last year’s Christmas dinner with hubby and in-laws). Do I just wait to see what kind of card they send to us first and just reciprocate that?

Just send them one with a nice picture. Get your daughter to scribble inside and leave it at that.
We have good relationships with our parents but don’t mess about with individual cards, that’s if we bother with cards at all!

 

[charlied0106]

I’m really unsure about what Christmas card to send to my father from my 10 month old daughter. I’ve sent him dad cards from me and hubby for Father’s Day and his birthday and grandad ones from my daughter. His response to the last grandad card was “not sure about being a grandad”… It’s a long story but he’s only met her once and doesn’t have a relationship with her. His wife - who I used to call mum but I have reverted back to calling her my stepmum - is really bitter that I’ve had a baby and she hasn’t (there’s 25 years difference between them) and both my parents had a horrible reaction to my pregnancy announcement. My dad has lost his spine when it comes to his wife it seems.

Anyway, back to the cards… do I just send him one saying grandad from my daughter and a parents one to them both from hubby and I? Will my stepmum kick off if she’s not included in the grandad card? I overheard her telling my wedding nanny that she “isn’t anything” to my daughter because she’s too old to be a grandma… despite being married to my father for almost 20 years.

Am I overthinking this? My parents are a huge source of trauma for me (I’ve done a lot of EMDR therapy) so I’m trying to protect myself from another Christmas argument (after they made me miss last year’s Christmas dinner with hubby and in-laws). Do I just wait to see what kind of card they send to us first and just reciprocate that?

Send them a "From our home to yours" card. duck stressing over people who bring you pain 🩷

 

[RoseyThorney]

You’re all right. I’ll just send a generic mum and dad one and include my daughter in it as well. I sent my dad some pics of her yesterday and his response was just “great everyone looks good, keep warm and safe”. He doesn’t even ask about her.

Also realised in my OG post I said she’d said she was too old to be a grandma, I meant she said she was too young.

I don’t even want to ring them this Christmas Day because of how they acted last year but I know it’ll be an argument if I don’t. Might just say we’re heading out the door in 15 mins to keep it short and sweet.

 

[petitspois]

You’re all right. I’ll just send a generic mum and dad one and include my daughter in it as well. I sent my dad some pics of her yesterday and his response was just “great everyone looks good, keep warm and safe”. He doesn’t even ask about her.

Also realised in my OG post I said she’d said she was too old to be a grandma, I meant she said she was too young.

I don’t even want to ring them this Christmas Day because of how they acted last year but I know it’ll be an argument if I don’t. Might just say we’re heading out the door in 15 mins to keep it short and sweet.

I really think you need to pull back and put your own family first. They can sense they have a hold over you. Just be polite but do what’s best for your family.

 

[Ivegone]

Do you want to send them cards? If they are not interested in your child just send one from all of you as a family.
I obvs don’t know the whole story or family dinamics but I wonder if you need to give them cards.
It sounds like you need to cut them out of your life

I would just not do anything don't send a car present if they don't care about your kid their own family flesh and blood I wouldn't bother

 

[getthefrockout69]

At my big old age I should know the answer too this I'm 37 but what cooking trays are the best ones to use I'm after long lasting ones ive seen some by ninja with the 10 year warrant the other half is chomping at the bits to get them but there very spenny I'm just at a lost of which one to buy since wilko closed down and my local dunelm burning down I'm not to what to do as it's costing me a fortune in kitchen foil

 

[Chocolategoggler]

At my big old age I should know the answer too this I'm 37 but what cooking trays are the best ones to use I'm after long lasting ones ive seen some by ninja with the 10 year warrant the other half is chomping at the bits to get them but there very spenny I'm just at a lost of which one to buy since wilko closed down and my local dunelm burning down I'm not to what to do as it's costing me a fortune in kitchen foil

Do you have a Lakeland shop near you? They always give good advice and they had a lot of chef input.
I remember their trays being so good you could cook on the hob using them.

 

[getthefrockout69]

Do you have a Lakeland shop near you? They always give good advice and they had a lot of chef input.
I remember their trays being so good you could cook on the hob using them.

Thank you there's one about half an hour from where I live I'm due a ikea trip in the new year and my local lake lands is near there

 

[Darvos]

Thank you there's one about half an hour from where I live I'm due a ikea trip in the new year and my local lake lands is near there

Also try ProCook, online or a shop, and TK Maxx can do really good cookware, but of course what they have in is down to chance.

 

[Captainmouse]

At my big old age I should know the answer too this I'm 37 but what cooking trays are the best ones to use I'm after long lasting ones ive seen some by ninja with the 10 year warrant the other half is chomping at the bits to get them but there very spenny I'm just at a lost of which one to buy since wilko closed down and my local dunelm burning down I'm not to what to do as it's costing me a fortune in kitchen foil

Asda do a scoville range with lifetime guarantee

https://www.asda.com/groceries/product/roasting-tins-dishes/scoville-neverstick-26cm-roasting-tray/7120992

 

[littlepup]

At my big old age I should know the answer too this I'm 37 but what cooking trays are the best ones to use I'm after long lasting ones ive seen some by ninja with the 10 year warrant the other half is chomping at the bits to get them but there very spenny I'm just at a lost of which one to buy since wilko closed down and my local dunelm burning down I'm not to what to do as it's costing me a fortune in kitchen foil

It depends on what you’re cooking. If it’s frozen chicken nuggs and jacket spuds any old thing with a non stick will do. If you’re making homemade pastry dishes, oozy contents stuff, you’ll benefit from a better quality heat distribution and non stick.

Cheap or expensive try to use plastic, silicone or wood utensils and to cut down aggressive scrubbing, try a wash and reuse silicone mat. Amazon have a pack of 3 for about £10. In fact buy these first and you can probably keep your old ones. Keep one mat for sweet and one for savoury as they don’t take up flavours really but just in case.

 

[BearOnChair]

We have a new employee who presents as male and we've been referring to as he for their first couple of shifts. On the new starter form they ticked female, which we just noticed.
My question is how's best to ask about it? I feel we should ask what's their preferred pronouns but to be honest it's new territory to us so I don't know how's best to approach it or even if it's necessary?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

We have a new employee who presents as male and we've been referring to as he for their first couple of shifts. On the new starter form they ticked female, which we just noticed.
My question is how's best to ask about it? I feel we should ask what's their preferred pronouns but to be honest it's new territory to us so I don't know how's best to approach it or even if it's necessary?

Just pull the person aside and ask what their preferred pronouns are.
You don’t have to ask if they are male / female or if they prefer he / she.
Literally say “I’m sorry I never asked but what’s your preferred pronouns?”

 

[BearOnChair]

Just pull the person aside and ask what their preferred pronouns are.
You don’t have to ask if they are male / female or if they prefer he / she.
Literally say “I’m sorry I never asked but what’s your preferred pronouns?”

Thanks, it's all sorted now.
I was worried about doing the wrong thing and probably over thinking it.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks, it's all sorted now.
I was worried about doing the wrong thing and probably over thinking it.

Don’t leave me in suspense!?!? What were their pronouns?

 

[BearOnChair]

Don’t leave me in suspense!?!? What were their pronouns?

He/him lol

 

[Meg78]

Has anyone ever had their child deliberately hurt them?

Tonight we were watching a Christmas movie all laid out on the sofa as a family, my 7 year old son moved to lay down on top of me and asked if he’d hurt me with his elbow, (he commonly leans to get up and I’m usually what he leans on) I said no, he then lightly whacked me with an open palm and asked if that hurt, I said no and asked why he was doing that, he didn’t answer and settled down. About 20 mins later he did it again across my throat but this time really hard, I answered that it DID hurt, and he said under his breath “yesssss!” with a huge grin. I paused the film, asked what the duck was going on, why did he hurt me and enjoy it, and he couldn’t give me an answer. His dad took him up to bed to let me calm down.

I’m still really freaked out about it, my kid is very sweet and cuddly but seeing him actively enjoy hurting me is burned into my brain and I’m sat here staring at his Christmas presents I need to wrap and I can’t bring myself to do it, I want to refund it all and buy him therapy because clearly I’m doing some vastly wrong.

Is this a normal thing? Am I raising a psychopath? Where the duck has my sweet child gone?

 

[Snippysnips]

Has anyone ever had their child deliberately hurt them?

Tonight we were watching a Christmas movie all laid out on the sofa as a family, my 7 year old son moved to lay down on top of me and asked if he’d hurt me with his elbow, (he commonly leans to get up and I’m usually what he leans on) I said no, he then lightly whacked me with an open palm and asked if that hurt, I said no and asked why he was doing that, he didn’t answer and settled down. About 20 mins later he did it again across my throat but this time really hard, I answered that it DID hurt, and he said under his breath “yesssss!” with a huge grin. I paused the film, asked what the duck was going on, why did he hurt me and enjoy it, and he couldn’t give me an answer. His dad took him up to bed to let me calm down.

I’m still really freaked out about it, my kid is very sweet and cuddly but seeing him actively enjoy hurting me is burned into my brain and I’m sat here staring at his Christmas presents I need to wrap and I can’t bring myself to do it, I want to refund it all and buy him therapy because clearly I’m doing some vastly wrong.

Is this a normal thing? Am I raising a psychopath? Where the duck has my sweet child gone?

Could it be influenced by something? Friends, video games, TV? Sometimes when kids do something out the blue there's usually something that's influenced it

I'd maybe sit him down an say that until he can give a reason then perhaps restrictions need to be put in place like not seeing friends, no gaming, limited or no TV etc, if he thinks he's going to lose something then maybe he will be open to talk about it

Totally not your fault though, with what kids have access to an with having friends that may have the freedom to whatever they want to view (social media, 18+ content etc) because their parents aren't bothered/not aware of what they are seeing, it can turn kids behaviour into night an day

 

[Meg78]

Could it be influenced by something? Friends, video games, TV? Sometimes when kids do something out the blue there's usually something that's influenced it

I'd maybe sit him down an say that until he can give a reason then perhaps restrictions need to be put in place like not seeing friends, no gaming, limited or no TV etc, if he thinks he's going to lose something then maybe he will be open to talk about it

Totally not your fault though, with what kids have access to an with having friends that may have the freedom to whatever they want to view (social media, 18+ content etc) because their parents aren't bothered/not aware of what they are seeing, it can turn kids behaviour into night an day

Never played a video game in his life and rarely watches tv, the school have said that he’s an ideal student and never disruptive, and he hangs out with the quieter, nicer kids, it’s been a complete shock to see him do this and enjoy it as I can’t point to something in his life and say it must be learned from that

 

[Snippysnips]

Never played a video game in his life and rarely watches tv, the school have said that he’s an ideal student and never disruptive, and he hangs out with the quieter, nicer kids, it’s been a complete shock to see him do this and enjoy it as I can’t point to something in his life and say it must be learned from that

Don't feel bad, it could just be a random little one off, maybe he couldn't say why because deep down he truly doesn't know why an sort of panicked

I'd say if it starting to become a thing maybe see if the school can offer some CBT, I don't know if his school will have councillors, I know most schools are at least trying to have mental health therapists now, if not the doctors could hopefully offer some guidance

Is there a way you could talk to the parents of his friends? See if they have noticed any slight differences in his behaviour, I know you said that he hangs out with the quieter nicer kids but sometimes that behaviour is only seen at school an in front of parents, and alone is completely different, so I'd maybe have a talk with both your son about how he feels being around his friends, an then talk with their parents, it could even be something stupid as him being dared to do it by a friend