The advice thread for random problems #6

[T-time]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

Was it so significant that you would have a party and invite people? As long as I'm not invited for anything, I assume that people don't celebrate. I can handle birthdaywishes but congratulating people with their wedding aniversary kinda gives overextended bridezilla. It's not as important to others as it is to you.

If this affects you so much and the people around you keep telling you that you're dramatic, there is a chance that it's not everybody around you. I can imagine that you don't like feeling like this either. Do you know where this comes from? You're attentive and have a great memory but why do you hold it against people when they are not? Why does this affect you so much?

 

[HoGi]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

The weddings where I have been part of the wedding party i.e. bridesmaid I have bought a card for 1st anniversary and that's it. Like other posters have said I will comment on a social media post but otherwise I would only acknowledge it if I was invited to a party etc

Wedding anniversaries are for the couple to celebrate no one else.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

Not to be rude, whilst probably being rude, but others might be correct in that you are “dramatic”
I’d like to point out there is nothing wrong with being “emotional and dramatic” but to mitigate this you should be self aware.
What you find important in life is not important to others and vice-versa.

What does Mr Frog think? Maybe you could run your feelings by him before getting upset. He might have a better perspective if you are led by emotion rather than fact

 

[Snippysnips]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

Haven't gottan anything for anyone's wedding anniversary, couldn't tell you when any weddings were that I've been too including family an my brother's, once it's past I just don't even think about it, I get it might feel hurtful to you but it was your day, people are just guests at it, I've always made sure to get them good presents but once it's over then it's not something am ever going think about again, to me it was just a nice day that's passed

 

[RandomFrog]

Thanks for all the replies... unfortunately I can't quote them all 🫠🫠

Tbh I think it was just the 'significant' people forgetting if that makes sense, bridal party, siblings for example. I have a large family and we're all exceptionally close, to the point that certain people do remember these things.

I am totally aware that not everyone remembers every anniversary I made myself sound like a total brat but obviously I can't write all details as don't want to out myself.

Mr frog is the complete opposite of me, he doesn't make effort with anyone for anything, doesn't overthink anything and is just laid back to the max! Although he did understand my upset at me not hearing from my bridal party etc it didn't bother him at all

Anywayyyyy looks like it's a me problem I shall get thicker skin for next year & beyond!

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

I think this is a good opportunity to address that cycle of disappointment you're stuck in. The way you say that you 'make too much effort and get nothing back' - I think this is the crux of the issue. You're giving effort, time, acknowledgement with the expectation of receiving something in return - even if you don't realise it. You expect the same level of remembrance back or you are heavily upset. That makes your relationships transactional, and people can feel that. It makes interactions feel heavy, even guilt-laden.

This idea that remembering everything and going above and beyond means you care more, or are an objectively better friend, isn’t entirely fair or helpful. It places unrealistic expectations on others and silently demands a standard they may never agree to or even know they’re being held to. That’s exhausting - for you and for them. You feel upset and they feel told off and apologetic for not meeting these standards; especially when they are unusual (such as in this case, where most people don't remember other's anniversaries).

I certainly don't think you've done this deliberately, I think you just have an ingrained belief that 'good friend' = 'person who remembers everything'. But I would urge you to reconsider that. You will always feel let down if you pin your idea of friendship on whether someone can mirror your specific efforts and love language. What does make a good friend? Communication about your own needs and desires; giving others space and not taking distance personally.

If remembering your anniversary matters so much that you had your day ruined by the lack of acknowledgement, you have to voice that. Throw a party; one that sets the expectation that you want to celebrate the date with family and friends. That makes you a good friend too; because you're giving them the grace of not simply assuming their silence means they don't care and you're giving them the respect of time to prepare.

 

[Kim Mild]

Thanks for all the replies... unfortunately I can't quote them all 🫠🫠

Tbh I think it was just the 'significant' people forgetting if that makes sense, bridal party, siblings for example. I have a large family and we're all exceptionally close, to the point that certain people do remember these things.

I am totally aware that not everyone remembers every anniversary I made myself sound like a total brat but obviously I can't write all details as don't want to out myself.

Mr frog is the complete opposite of me, he doesn't make effort with anyone for anything, doesn't overthink anything and is just laid back to the max! Although he did understand my upset at me not hearing from my bridal party etc it didn't bother him at all

Anywayyyyy looks like it's a me problem I shall get thicker skin for next year & beyond!

I think it depends how 'significant' an anniversary it was . But if it was your golden wedding, I'd expect people to remember previous anniversaries, rather than your actual wedding day , if that makes sense.
However, if you think of other people and make the effort to make them feel special, you are justified in feeling upset when they don't do it in return.

 

[BearOnChair]

Tbh I think it was just the 'significant' people forgetting if that makes sense, bridal party, siblings for example. I have a large family and we're all exceptionally close, to the point that certain people do remember these things.

I get how you feel about it. It's slightly different but no one remembers when my mum died, not even my husband.
I've come to realise that not many people think outside of their own box. Which has been quite a shift for how I think of other people.

 

[littlepup]

I get how you feel about it. It's slightly different but no one remembers when my mum died, not even my husband.
I've come to realise that not many people think outside of their own box. Which has been quite a shift for how I think of other people.

I laughed when my aunt text me on the anniversary of my Dad’s death and got it wrong… turns out I had it wrong! It’d only been 2 years too. She’ll give updates about all the family, the great aunts and second cousins, half the time I don’t know who she’s talking about. She’s genuinely emotionally invested but I couldn’t cope with having that many people to worry about. There’s an element of self preservation there.

We have to wish happy gotcha day and birthday to the siblings’ cats and dogs and buy them a Christmas present. It’s exhausting.

It’s not that I don’t care but as I say, there such a lot to think and worry about in life in general, some people have an element of detachment because they don’t want to deal with things emotionally or don’t have the bandwidth for it.

 

[ivenotimetotiktok]

Entitled to sick pay at work. Had a day off done what I’m meant too called in etc valid reason. Haven’t been paid my sick day. not the first time they’ve messed up pay… it’s so draining and app no HR we can talk too

 

[Thank(space)you]

I'm going to a butlins adult weekend next weekend. How much spending money do you think I should take?

 

[Melian]

I live in England if that's relevant:
As a HA tenant whose responsibility is mice? HA say contact council to which the council told me to go back to my HA

 

[Rodneytrotter]

Any experts on teenagers here? I have a 15 year old daughter, totally addicted to her phone, not doing revision for her Mocks, not meeting friends, nothing. Just in her room on her phone. I have to remind her to shower, do her normal homework etc. I'm at the point now where I want to take her phone from her completely. I've tried limiting it but I find it hard to manage as she sneaks it or I will forget because I'm busy with other stuff or my other children. I'm ashamed to say that it is half term here and apart from the day I took her to the wildlife park with her siblings she has spent every morning, noon and night on her phone in her room. I see her at meal times only.

It's worth nothing that my daughter is very happy girl, always smiling. She is autistic and needs lots of support, e.g. she is still unable to do her own hair, get to places alone and doesn't really like conversations unless she's asking for something.

I wish I'd never bought the phone but she has always struggled to fit in so it was for that and to contact friends (which she never does).

 

[Snippysnips]

Any experts on teenagers here? I have a 15 year old daughter, totally addicted to her phone, not doing revision for her Mocks, not meeting friends, nothing. Just in her room on her phone. I have to remind her to shower, do her normal homework etc. I'm at the point now where I want to take her phone from her completely. I've tried limiting it but I find it hard to manage as she sneaks it or I will forget because I'm busy with other stuff or my other children. I'm ashamed to say that it is half term here and apart from the day I took her to the wildlife park with her siblings she has spent every morning, noon and night on her phone in her room. I see her at meal times only.

It's worth nothing that my daughter is very happy girl, always smiling. She is autistic and needs lots of support, e.g. she is still unable to do her own hair, get to places alone and doesn't really like conversations unless she's asking for something.

I wish I'd never bought the phone but she has always struggled to fit in so it was for that and to contact friends (which she never does).

Definitely sounds like addiction which when it comes to phones you don't really think is a thing but anything in excess can be classed as additions, have you tried limiting how long she can have on it an setting passwords up for it that she won't know?

I don't know what phone it is but on mine in the settings it's called digital wellbeing and parental controls, it allows me to basically shut the phone off at certain times or after so long on it, of course you can sort of bypass this as clicking on anything when it's shut down gives you the option to "use for 5 minutes" but it's still worth looking into, also apps themselves can be shut down after so long on them or at certain times like Facebook which are harder to bypass when set

Personally taking the phone off her isn't going to help, like you say there's times you forget an times she will sneak away with it, so just taking it off her might result in arguments, if you are able maybe talk with her school or gp about therapy, I work in therapy an we actually see a lot of kids/teens with phone/gaming addictions, it's not their fault, phones an consoles are so easy to spend hours on an get lost in time with, especially phones that you can be endlessly scrolling on, so I'd definitely look into some type of support to help break the habit for her, it can be very damaging to their mental health if they are "doom scrolling' all day

 

[petitspois]

Any experts on teenagers here? I have a 15 year old daughter, totally addicted to her phone, not doing revision for her Mocks, not meeting friends, nothing. Just in her room on her phone. I have to remind her to shower, do her normal homework etc. I'm at the point now where I want to take her phone from her completely. I've tried limiting it but I find it hard to manage as she sneaks it or I will forget because I'm busy with other stuff or my other children. I'm ashamed to say that it is half term here and apart from the day I took her to the wildlife park with her siblings she has spent every morning, noon and night on her phone in her room. I see her at meal times only.

It's worth nothing that my daughter is very happy girl, always smiling. She is autistic and needs lots of support, e.g. she is still unable to do her own hair, get to places alone and doesn't really like conversations unless she's asking for something.

I wish I'd never bought the phone but she has always struggled to fit in so it was for that and to contact friends (which she never does).

It's really difficult. Do you know what kind of thing she is doing on her phone? chat rooms? games? my first thought would be to suggest you all put your phones away for a few hours each night and do something as a family like a walk or a film or board game and keep it up for a month and see if there's any difference? that way she can still have her phone but less.

Every single thing I see about teens recommends to take their phone off them at bedtime too. I succeeded with one and failed with the other so I can't talk!

 

[Rodneytrotter]

It's really difficult. Do you know what kind of thing she is doing on her phone? chat rooms? games? my first thought would be to suggest you all put your phones away for a few hours each night and do something as a family like a walk or a film or board game and keep it up for a month and see if there's any difference? that way she can still have her phone but less.

Every single thing I see about teens recommends to take their phone off them at bedtime too. I succeeded with one and failed with the other so I can't talk!

Thanks for replying she never has her phone overnight and is very good at bringing it down at night (although I have to tell her every night). On her phone she watches shorts, looks at clothes stores and puts outfits together. I do check her phone regularly and there is never anything untoward, it's all fairly innocent. She has two younger siblings who are 10 and 12 who are never on screens so it's a big contrast. She will come down for a family game like when we play bingo but then is straight back to her phone the minute the game ends.

It doesn't help that she doesn't like being with us out of the house in case someone from school sees her and makes fun of her for hanging out with their parents. But then she won't meet anyone from school. Ive checked her WhatsApp and some girls send her really nice messages and she just ignores them. One girl had even asked her if she wanted to be friends and she just sent back 'ok'. I wonder if I shoukd ask on the autism thread too

 

[petitspois]

Thanks for replying she never has her phone overnight and is very good at bringing it down at night (although I have to tell her every night). On her phone she watches shorts, looks at clothes stores and puts outfits together. I do check her phone regularly and there is never anything untoward, it's all fairly innocent. She has two younger siblings who are 10 and 12 who are never on screens so it's a big contrast. She will come down for a family game like when we play bingo but then is straight back to her phone the minute the game ends.

It doesn't help that she doesn't like being with us out of the house in case someone from school sees her and makes fun of her for hanging out with their parents. But then she won't meet anyone from school. Ive checked her WhatsApp and some girls send her really nice messages and she just ignores them. One girl had even asked her if she wanted to be friends and she just sent back 'ok'. I wonder if I shoukd ask on the autism thread too

That's tricky. She sounds like a lovely girl. I can't offer anything further but wish you all the best x

 

[cowtastrophe]

I live in England if that's relevant:
As a HA tenant whose responsibility is mice? HA say contact council to which the council told me to go back to my HA

I would have thought it would be your HA in the first instance.

 

[JoeBloggs]

I live in England if that's relevant:
As a HA tenant whose responsibility is mice? HA say contact council to which the council told me to go back to my HA

If the mice are inside the property its the HA.

 

[Savewaterdrinkgin]

Hi all, hope it’s ok to post.. I thought I’d caught myself on a rose thorn while gardening last night but it’s still sore and a bit itchy, I’m wondering if it’s a tick. What do you guys think?