The advice thread for random problems #6

[Former_Antelopee]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

I mean I'd never get anyone a anniversary gift unless it was my partner, I just think that's between the couple

 

[cowtastrophe]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

I‘m sorry that you’re feeling like that but tbh, I don’t know anyone who celebrates a wedding anniversary apart from the couple.

 

[klarakluckbag]

I absolutely hate having to say this but you should always think twice about being alone in your home with any man who is a stranger to you. It's not right, and of course we should be able to hire a workman and be safe in our own homes, but the reality is that a lot of men are chancers, and they've been emboldened by years of readily available porn, by the media showing women as sexually adventurous and "up for anything" (as your lovely tradesman shows when he suggests that you become "friends with benefits") and by the long-held general opinion that any single woman is almost always desperate for a man.

I'm glad that you've blocked him, do make sure that you spread the word about his highly inappropriate behaviour, at least you may spare some other woman from his dubious charms. Please don't feel "grubby", you are definitely not the one who should be feeling this way.

I'm honestly so angry on your behalf. I once had a window broken in my flat and I had to call out an emergency glazier late at night. I found myself at midnight, alone in my home with a male stranger, who thought it was the right time and place to ask me "So, where's your boyfriend tonight?", he then put his fucking arm around my shoulders. I told him that my boyfriend was a "bouncer in a pub" and that he'd be home soon. Luckily, he cleared off without any fuss, but even now, 30 years later, I'm still pissed off about it.

It's "not all men"...but it's an awful lot of them

 

[petitspois]

It was a significant wedding anniversary for us a few weeks ago and hardly anybody sent us well wishes, by that I mean we had 100 guests at the wedding, we got 4 cards and that's it. I was so upset on the day, me and my husband had a little date night but honestly throughout the day I was just so down about it.

Since then one of my bridesmaids has sent an apology (one week later) and we received a card 8 days later from a close family member.

I feel so torn about how to deal with it, things like this affect me so much emotionally but then if I ever say anything to anyone about me being upset I'm always made out as if I'm being dramatic/told people have busy lives etc.

As a side note I remember every little thing about my nearest such as first cinema dates with kids etc never mind anniversaries and will always message! My husband tells me that's my issue...I make too much effort and get nothing back but I also find it hard not to, that's the way I am

I think a lot of people think anniversaries are a private celebration for the couple. The lack of well wishes doesn’t mean people don’t care, it means most people don’t think it’s important to remember dates and occasions in the same way you do.

 

[Phil Anne Throw Pee]

I don’t know if this is the right thread but I’m not sure how to set up my own.



I’m in my early 30s, been in a relationship for approx 6 years and live together, no kids. We've both been previous quite big drinkers - would love to go out to the pub and for meals etc - would do this every weekend. Been in this habit of spending weekends this way since my early 20s. Ive started to react differently to alcohol - hangovers terrible and no longer get the enjoyment out of spending my weekends drinking. Manage to go a few weekends of everything in moderation then I'll slip up and fall back into old habits. Drink a higher amount, hungover the next day which is wasted eating crap and lying on the couch. It now causes a lot of anxiety and it takes me days to get in a positive and productive mindset again. I feel sick of falling back into this weekend habit but it's so engrained it's hard to change and not get carried away.



Im just wondering if any other 30 something is feeling this way, stuck in a rut but feeling the cycle is hard to break? Has alcohol started to have a different effect on mental wellbeing? Is it time for us to grow up and start a family? has starting a family helped to break unhealthy cycles?

The only advice I have is that starting a family is never a way to break unhealthy cycles. Families should be started from a good place and not to try and plaster over cracks in life. I'd say starting a family would be the worst thing to do until you have both tried to sort out your issues.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

My daughter was supposed to have a beauty treatment this evening and the lady cancelled this morning because she was poorly with a sickness bug, of course this cannot be helped and I’m glad she told us my issue is she has been promoting said treatment on her page this evening and has been responding to comments, in my opinion this doesn’t add up! As I think if I were that unwell the last thing I would think of doing is this, am I overreacting or is this a bit odd? I’m not sure what to think? She offered to rebook for 2 days time and I’ve said I will let her know fortunately I didn’t pay anything

Honestly I wouldn't be too bothered with her doing that. I know my beautician follows the NHS guidance which is that if you've vomited or had diarrhoea within the last 48 hours, you shouldn't be doing work with people in close proximity (such as beauty treatments).

That doesn't necessarily mean that they're so ill they can't be on their phone etc - they probably just have a dodgy tummy and are catching up on the social media side of the job whilst they're out of 'physical' work.

 

[Thank(space)you]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

He sounds like an absolute twat i don't think you need to take this feedback on board

 

[Sir Lancelot]

Am I overreacting....

Had a handyman round replastering my ceiling. I'd seen him on local pages for the last couple of years and his work looked good, so when I recently needed some work doing, I contacted him and a couple of others for a quote. Out of 3, he's the only one that turned up when he said he would and gave a quote, so I booked him in.

When he turned up, he seemed a cheeky chappy kinda guy, joking when he turned up, saying he'd bought me a gift, then saying it was a bag of plaster, and saying it's not his usual gifts of flowers.

I was working from home, and he had to walk past me to his van. Random questions came every time he passed. "Are you single" I said yes. "Happily?" I said yes. Thinking I wasn't really sure how to respond, so just to keep it to one word answers. Then half an hour later when he passed "How old are you?" I said I wasn't discussing it and that I was working, kinda laughing it off. He said "why are you being cagey".

In my head I couldn't work out if he was just having banter, but at the same time I was thinking, I've only met him twice, I'm not telling him all my personal details. I felt safe cos I can contact work people over the computer if needed, but I was starting to think of ringing one of them.

He then kept trying to guess my age.....guessing 15 years younger, I just laughed again and said no. I was already thinking, what a creep, trying to flatter me with chat up lines.

I started to wish he would leave, and maybe I should've asked him to go. Or maybe I should've been firmer, saying I was trying to work. But that would've felt like an overreaction......it was just random questions, once every half hour ish. And then I'd have had to find another plasterer after being fed up of others not turning up, and I couldn't really tell if the situation was odd or not.

Then as he was leaving, he sat down to write an invoice, and asked if I'd ever been married. I said I wasn't discussing it. Then he responded, so would you be interested in friends with benefits. I just said "erm no" and turned back to my computer.

Thinking back to when I got the quote from him, I remember noticing he made a few digs about his ex wife.....etc. which I remember thinking was a bit of a red flag, but brushed it off.

My question is (and thanks for reading).....how would other people have handled this situation? I just feel really awkward now, and not sure why. I feel a bit grubby.

Would others be flattered? I think I feel that if he genuinely fancied me, he shouldve text me after......not when he is in my home and he has control cos he's got my ceiling half done. It just felt wrong.

Then the friends with benefits thing, asking that whilst knowing I had to sit there while he was writing out the invoice......I just thought.....how many women is he being like this with?
And is he even aware that it's not appropriate? But then i thought, we're all adults after all, and he was just asking questions.......

Any thoughts or comments are appreciated x

There was nothing flattering in his behaviour; he saw a woman and presumed she'd want to fuck him.
Utter scumbag.
Never deal with that man again.
I'm sorry you had to deal with this, in your own home.

 

[Snippysnips]

When you're away with friends is it unreasonable to expect to actually do stuff with them? I've just had several shitty messages from a "friend" because I was away with them over the weekend and expected to do things with them? I don't want to wander around a strange city by myself. Hardly anyone told me where they were going or what they were doing

If I went away with a friend I'd expect to do stuff with them as that would be the whole point of going away with them, they would need to state it to me that they wanted alone time otherwise I wouldn't know they wanted that

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’d just like a little moan and vent. Judgement free please and if anybody has advice please give it.

Our dog has gone blind. It had been gradual but overnight it’s like she’s gone completely blind. This was two weeks ago.

Anyway it’s been awful. She keeps bashing her head and eyes. You cannot leave her for even a minute as she’ll start looking for you. She won’t wear goggles or the halo we got.

She doesn’t seem to be able to map our downstairs, even though she’s lived here her whole life and she’s 13.

I cannot do anything as she wants to be close. Now this isn’t the issue. The issue is she won’t sit or lay. She keeps walking and then bashing herself. It’s so bad because I can’t go to the toilet even.

It’s been stressful. I’m on edge all the time and so is Mr Lolz. I honestly don’t know how much longer I can mentally take this. At the moment her quality of life is still good so I won’t have her put down. But I feel awful for even thinking it sometimes.

 

[littlepup]

My daughter was supposed to have a beauty treatment this evening and the lady cancelled this morning because she was poorly with a sickness bug, of course this cannot be helped and I’m glad she told us my issue is she has been promoting said treatment on her page this evening and has been responding to comments, in my opinion this doesn’t add up! As I think if I were that unwell the last thing I would think of doing is this, am I overreacting or is this a bit odd? I’m not sure what to think? She offered to rebook for 2 days time and I’ve said I will let her know fortunately I didn’t pay anything

It wouldn’t worry me. It makes sense if she’s had to have a few days off that she’s now trying to drum up more custom.
Sickness comes with a 48 hour no contact rule so she could be over it but being safe. She could’ve had something she didn’t want to discuss so said tummy bug too so I’d certainly give the benefit of the doubt.

 

[DianaBanana]

I wouldn’t be flattered, I’d be pissed off that someone came into my home and made me feel uncomfortable. I don’t think you’re overreacting either.

 

[littlepup]

So this is really trivial but it’s also upsetting me, I started a new job about a month ago, everyone is lovely apart from one person who twice now has commented about my name, the first instance was ‘my ex sister in law has the same name as you, I hate that name’ then he said ‘oh your name is in that song ha ha’ then reeled off the singer/band, now I have a pretty common name, it’s an ok name, I got home from work & just wanted to cry, he has a really common name as well, I think that’s pretty rich slagging my name off when you have such a basic name, I just don’t know what to do because he seems quite popular & has been there for years. Or perhaps I’m just being sensitive? I’m not a very confident person & can take things to heart.

Absolutely agree he sounds like a prick. Maybe fancies you. Maybe knows the HR rules so is making you feel uncomfortable without doing anything he can really be picked up on. Maybe just a man who can’t cope with a woman in a work environment. Maybe is trying to belittle you but isn’t very clever….

It depends how you want to play it.
“That’s a strange thing to say out loud”
“Gosh, it must be strange to be triggered by someone’s name”
“That’s funny, I’ve never heard anyone mention my name before, odd that you should more than once”
“Is there something you’d like to discuss?”
“Can we draw a line under this name thing? You seem to find it amusing but I find it odd and uncomfortable. I’d prefer if we could move past this”
“It feels like you’re belittling me, is there a reason for that?”
“I always think that song helps people remember my name, I’m sorry, what was your name again? I forget?”
“You’ve mentioned my name a few times now, I’m not comfortable with that. Perhaps you can address me as Miss/Mrs Bozlem if it makes you more comfortable”
“I find find it quite bizarre how you keep mentioning my name, I guess your ex SIL must’ve hurt you and I’m sorry about that”
“Is there something I can help you with? You seem to want my attention?”
Or if he’s just a thicko, just, when no one’s around…
“How about you don’t mention my name and I don’t mention your hairline/breath/shoes?”

 

[HankMcPrank]

Fed up, like genuinely fed up. My poor son has been waiting 11 weeks for an operation, its scheduled for thursday morning, he has come down with a cold. Im gutted for him, he is 15, he has autism and a CVL line as he had cancer treatment.

 

[Happy Alpaca]

Am I overreacting....

Had a handyman round replastering my ceiling. I'd seen him on local pages for the last couple of years and his work looked good, so when I recently needed some work doing, I contacted him and a couple of others for a quote. Out of 3, he's the only one that turned up when he said he would and gave a quote, so I booked him in.

When he turned up, he seemed a cheeky chappy kinda guy, joking when he turned up, saying he'd bought me a gift, then saying it was a bag of plaster, and saying it's not his usual gifts of flowers.

I was working from home, and he had to walk past me to his van. Random questions came every time he passed. "Are you single" I said yes. "Happily?" I said yes. Thinking I wasn't really sure how to respond, so just to keep it to one word answers. Then half an hour later when he passed "How old are you?" I said I wasn't discussing it and that I was working, kinda laughing it off. He said "why are you being cagey".

In my head I couldn't work out if he was just having banter, but at the same time I was thinking, I've only met him twice, I'm not telling him all my personal details. I felt safe cos I can contact work people over the computer if needed, but I was starting to think of ringing one of them.

He then kept trying to guess my age.....guessing 15 years younger, I just laughed again and said no. I was already thinking, what a creep, trying to flatter me with chat up lines.

I started to wish he would leave, and maybe I should've asked him to go. Or maybe I should've been firmer, saying I was trying to work. But that would've felt like an overreaction......it was just random questions, once every half hour ish. And then I'd have had to find another plasterer after being fed up of others not turning up, and I couldn't really tell if the situation was odd or not.

Then as he was leaving, he sat down to write an invoice, and asked if I'd ever been married. I said I wasn't discussing it. Then he responded, so would you be interested in friends with benefits. I just said "erm no" and turned back to my computer.

Thinking back to when I got the quote from him, I remember noticing he made a few digs about his ex wife.....etc. which I remember thinking was a bit of a red flag, but brushed it off.

My question is (and thanks for reading).....how would other people have handled this situation? I just feel really awkward now, and not sure why. I feel a bit grubby.

Would others be flattered? I think I feel that if he genuinely fancied me, he shouldve text me after......not when he is in my home and he has control cos he's got my ceiling half done. It just felt wrong.

Then the friends with benefits thing, asking that whilst knowing I had to sit there while he was writing out the invoice......I just thought.....how many women is he being like this with?
And is he even aware that it's not appropriate? But then i thought, we're all adults after all, and he was just asking questions.......

Any thoughts or comments are appreciated x

 

[littlepup]

I feel like that is something she would deffo do so I will keep high alert which is awful as why do I have to feel unsafe at work as though someone is out to get you. If someone can have issue with you over nothing then imagine if you actually did have an issue what would she do. She’s already made jokes about sabotaging someone before and I personally won’t be leaving even a drink unattended near her. I’ve also seen her snooping through my work when she’s not my supervisor so shouldn’t be, probably trying to catch me out on something. I don’t know where she makes the time to do that when we are so busy. Just exhausting why I must stay so vigilant, it’s draining. Also I don’t need her to like me, but you would at least not make it obvious that you dislike someone for not reason at work and be civil. And not including someone at work is a form of hostile behaviour though

Have you confronted her or put her in her place?
“you seem uncomfortable with that suggestion, would you like to explain why?”
“I’m not getting positive vibes about that but I’d love to understand a different perspective if you don’t mind sharing?”
“it feels as though you’re not on board with that idea, if really love to hear an alternative solution”

Or straight up..
“I think that was a valuable contribution but your response is saying you don’t agree. Can you explain”
“I’d rather you looked at me when you were addressing me to avoid confusion”
“Please don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking, when I’m finished you’ll know because I’ll ask for a response”
“It would help if you looked at me and addressed me by my name to avoid confusion”

If you want to point it out to the group…
“I’d really like to put my thoughts out for consideration but I feel like you’re undermining me, is there a reason for that?”
“Excuse me, I’d like to make my contribution and I’d appreciate it if you’d let me speak without patronising me. You can respond when I’m finished“
“I noticed you rolled your eyes, do you disagree?”
“I’d appreciate it if you could let me speak without being dismissive before I’ve finished.”
“I’d really like to understand why you’re not prepared to consider that?”

I’m the most generic version of a small, average, white, blonde so have never experienced racism but as that person I’ve experienced a lot of arseholes and judgmental people. I suspect this person is just a bitch. However, being a POC is a protected characteristic so if you feel it’s a motivator for that person or if you just want to challenge them on it and think you can prove it, You can absolutely screw them over for it if you want to.
“I often feel as though you show outward diarespect toward me and I can’t help but wonder if it’s my skin colour that motivates that?”
Bullies deserve to be challenged and outed.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

You’re definitely not overreacting, he crossed boundaries and in your home. I’m sorry this happened to you.

 

[bozlem3080]

I’ve had a response from the storage company, they’ve admitted that they didn’t send the email out regarding the price increase & it was a ‘technical issue’ I shouldn’t of have 2 increases so close together, as a goodwill gesture they are refunding me this months payment, then reducing the insurance I pay as I don’t need 6k so it’s going to 2k instead, I’m now hopefully going to be paying just over £48 a month which is a lot better, they have also waivered the £10 cleanup fee if I choose to leave (knew nothing of this until today so yet another charge on top they’ve probably made up) but overall I’m happy with that. Thanks for the replies

 

[Captainmouse]

Or the classic mumsnet
did you mean to be so rude?

 

[Kim Mild]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

There are ' them problems ' and ' you problems ' . Quite often , what other people bring up is a ' them problem'.