The advice thread for random problems #4

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I was in this situation but my daughter is now grown up. It's really hard to know where to draw the line between being honest, as you should, and 'witching' about them. It sounds like you're absolutely handling this the right way, the most important thing is to ensure they can feel open with you on discussing their feelings about their father, positive and negative. I realise I failed at that at times, particularly because I was so angry at his lack of care for his daughter. It is horrible to be responsible for 99% of the boring stuff and hear your child gush about a dad who is barely around and only does the fun things when he feels like it.

My daughter now has no contact with her father through her own choice (she decided when she was an adult). Kids understand a lot more than we realise sometimes. While we want to shield them from disappointment, I think you have to let him feel this one. I would tell him that he can always talk about it with you, and it's totally ok to be upset.

Perhaps think about the idea that being in a relationship with someone controlling and coercive, it sets up your mind to feel responsible for them and their behaviour. When you've been through years of tiptoeing around their bad moods and trying to keep them from acting out (and being blamed for anything going wrong with their mood!!), your brain still tries to do that even when they're gone. In a way this still might be an issue - you feel responsible for him being a good father. It feels like a personal failure that he isn't being a good dad - and it shouldn't. Try and separate that idea in your head and think about how their behaviour is strictly THEIR problem, and all you can do is just be a good mum (which you clearly are) for your son. If he is a disappointing, absent father, that is on him. He will suffer the consequences of it, because he's missing out on a relationship with your child. And while it is so, so hard to see your child upset - they'll grow up knowing who was there for them and who wasn't. It will all work out

You've explained exactly how I feel, thank you. It does feel like I'm failing in some way, particularly because I can't make it better.

There's also the realisation that he's going to keep make things difficult, in whatever way he can, for the entire time the children are under 18 so I'm not really fully 'free' of him. It's really draining and sometimes I feel very trapped.

I'm going to focus on your advice of trying to feel less responsible though, thank you.

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

Be honest. Say that you're sorry that his Dad lets him down and you wish it was different. My Dad disappeared off the radar for several years when I was a teenager and he'd left Mum - his new girlfriend didn't want us around. That was on Dad, but hearing Mum witch about it really didn't help. I knew myself how bad it was.

Don't cover for him - his behaviour is for him to justify, never you

 

[Popcornshovel]

And direct the child's questions to the dad. Like why isn't dad available to take them to the activity? Say you don't know and they can ask dad that when they next call/text/see dad.

 

[littlepup]

Children will always see a parent’s crappy behaviour for themselves as they grow up.
Do you have someone who’s more unbiased who could offer to be a sounding board for them? Or be in a position to offer them someone to talk to that you pay for?
Feelings of rejection from a parent can be a massive trigger for kids, it would be good if they could have an open dialogue with someone without feeling they have to ‘take sides’ (even though you’re not pressuring them to, he might).

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Children will always see a parent’s crappy behaviour for themselves as they grow up.
Do you have someone who’s more unbiased who could offer to be a sounding board for them? Or be in a position to offer them someone to talk to that you pay for?
Feelings of rejection from a parent can be a massive trigger for kids, it would be good if they could have an open dialogue with someone without feeling they have to ‘take sides’ (even though you’re not pressuring them to, he might).

I can't pay for anything at the moment unfortunately but the children's schools are really good with pastoral support (they are aware of the situation). I know they each have a couple of teachers they feel able to confide in.

The child I first mentioned spends quite a lot of time with my mum and I know he confides in her a bit too. She's also careful to remain as neutral about the situation as possible in front of the children.

Them feeling rejected does worry me. Out of the four of them, there's one that he noticeably makes less effort with and unfortunately my son's noticed there's a difference. I've pointed this out to his dad but it's made no difference at all.

It all just makes me feel very sad (and quite angry). I suppose I should be grateful he does at least see them and that the contact is regular (as opposed to disappearing for weeks at a time), even if it's only a couple of hours at a time or for a lift somewhere. Maybe things will improve when he finally gets around to finding a home that's more suitable for a family man than a singleton Although I'm not expecting this to happen any time soon to be honest.

 

[Beepboop1122]

Hi all, just found this thread and wasn’t sure where else to post as some of the work related advice threads seem to be abit dead. I accepted a new job back at the end of November and I’m still going through pre-employment checks so haven’t been able to agree a start date etc. I haven’t told my current job yet but the issue I am having is that my probation period with my current job will end on the 31st Jan. If I quit whilst still in probation, I only have to work 1 weeks notice but if I quit outside of probation, I have to work 2 months notice. Obviously I don’t want to work 2 months notice if I can help it but I also don’t want to hand in my notice until I actually know that I’ve passed all the checks for the new job and ideally have a start date. I also feel like the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about not telling my current job that I’m leaving as they keep talking to me about future work for later in the year. I get on well enough with my current manager but I wouldn’t say we’re massively friendly with each other. I just don’t know whether to bite the bullet and tell them I’m leaving or whether to continue to wait it out but I feel like I’m on abit of a ticking time bomb with the end of my probation fast approaching. Any advice??

 

[Popcornshovel]

Hi all, just found this thread and wasn’t sure where else to post as some of the work related advice threads seem to be abit dead. I accepted a new job back at the end of November and I’m still going through pre-employment checks so haven’t been able to agree a start date etc. I haven’t told my current job yet but the issue I am having is that my probation period with my current job will end on the 31st Jan. If I quit whilst still in probation, I only have to work 1 weeks notice but if I quit outside of probation, I have to work 2 months notice. Obviously I don’t want to work 2 months notice if I can help it but I also don’t want to hand in my notice until I actually know that I’ve passed all the checks for the new job and ideally have a start date. I also feel like the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about not telling my current job that I’m leaving as they keep talking to me about future work for later in the year. I get on well enough with my current manager but I wouldn’t say we’re massively friendly with each other. I just don’t know whether to bite the bullet and tell them I’m leaving or whether to continue to wait it out but I feel like I’m on abit of a ticking time bomb with the end of my probation fast approaching. Any advice??

I'd go back to the new job and explain the situation re after end of Jan your notice period will be longer. I wouldn't say anything to the current job incase something happens at the new job. I don't meant that you might fail the checks, but what if they cut budgets and rescind the offer?

 

[square_spoon]

Hi all, just found this thread and wasn’t sure where else to post as some of the work related advice threads seem to be abit dead. I accepted a new job back at the end of November and I’m still going through pre-employment checks so haven’t been able to agree a start date etc. I haven’t told my current job yet but the issue I am having is that my probation period with my current job will end on the 31st Jan. If I quit whilst still in probation, I only have to work 1 weeks notice but if I quit outside of probation, I have to work 2 months notice. Obviously I don’t want to work 2 months notice if I can help it but I also don’t want to hand in my notice until I actually know that I’ve passed all the checks for the new job and ideally have a start date. I also feel like the longer it goes on, the more guilty I feel about not telling my current job that I’m leaving as they keep talking to me about future work for later in the year. I get on well enough with my current manager but I wouldn’t say we’re massively friendly with each other. I just don’t know whether to bite the bullet and tell them I’m leaving or whether to continue to wait it out but I feel like I’m on abit of a ticking time bomb with the end of my probation fast approaching. Any advice??

100% do not say a thing to your current employer until the new job is signed and sealed. I know you might feel a bit guilty about your current employee planning a future around you but honestly this is business, and it happens to companies all the time.

As Popcornshovel said, explain situation to new employer to see if that nudges them along. Don’t say anything absolute (i.e. say you ‘may’ become subject to a two month notice period beyond x date as opposed to you ‘will’) as you don’t want to turn them completely off either. Depending on who your current company is they may be willing to negotiate on the two months even if you pass probation as there are not many managers who would actively stand in the way of an employee who wants to leave and has something new lined up. Best of luck.

 

[Lollylaylow]

Does anyone know where I can get this type of thing from in the UK? They sell it everywhere in the USA

The closest I can find is this from B&Q

 

[House of Tea]

Does anyone know where I can get this type of thing from in the UK? They sell it everywhere in the USA


View attachment 2693438


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The closest I can find is this from B&Q


View attachment 2693449

Perhaps people that sell shop fittings might have something similar?

 

[Lollylaylow]

Perhaps people that sell shop fittings might have something similar?

Yes did think that but wondered if anyone knew a certain shop that sells them to save me from going round the houses

Edited to say Found some YAY!

 

[me myself and karma]

Does anyone know where I can get this type of thing from in the UK? They sell it everywhere in the USA


View attachment 2693438


View attachment 2693443



View attachment 2693444




The closest I can find is this from B&Q


View attachment 2693449

Is the IKEA Boaxel and good?
---

Yes did think that but wondered if anyone knew a certain shop that sells them to save me from going round the houses

Edited to say Found some YAY!

Just saw your found something

 

[Smallie21]

I’ve tried googling this but maybe I haven’t got the wording right
Does anyone know if an illegitimate (adult) child can contest the will of their biological father, if the child was never acknowledged by the father? I can’t go into too much detail but the mother never outright told the father he had a child, but other people have told him, and it is known locally that he has a child. I hope this makes sense

 

[littlepup]

I’ve tried googling this but maybe I haven’t got the wording right
Does anyone know if an illegitimate (adult) child can contest the will of their biological father, if the child was never acknowledged by the father? I can’t go into too much detail but the mother never outright told the father he had a child, but other people have told him, and it is known locally that he has a child. I hope this makes sense

 

[stargirl23]

I’ve tried googling this but maybe I haven’t got the wording right
Does anyone know if an illegitimate (adult) child can contest the will of their biological father, if the child was never acknowledged by the father? I can’t go into too much detail but the mother never outright told the father he had a child, but other people have told him, and it is known locally that he has a child. I hope this makes sense

I assume the father isn’t on the birth certificate? If not then they can still apply to contest but it’s a lengthy process & they will have to prove by way of dna which can be costly. Then if Dna confirms biological child it’ll be down to the court to decide what/if they’re entitled to the will. Each case is circumstantial

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’ve tried googling this but maybe I haven’t got the wording right
Does anyone know if an illegitimate (adult) child can contest the will of their biological father, if the child was never acknowledged by the father? I can’t go into too much detail but the mother never outright told the father he had a child, but other people have told him, and it is known locally that he has a child. I hope this makes sense

Unless we are talking mega money it's not worth it as the whole estate will be eaten up by solicitors costs and if the "child" loses they will be liable for the estates costs.
Also in England you can leave what you want to who you want and it is in very very rare circumstances that a judge would throw out/adjust a will.
In Scotland children are automatically entitled to a share if that helps.

 

[Smallie21]

The father is not on the birth certificate but obviously dna will prove it. We are talking mega bucks. And we are in ni if that makes any difference. I’m just asking around at the minute to get an idea of what it could look like, but it looks like an appointment with a solicitor would be the next step. Thanks so much all for the help!!

 

[stargirl23]

The father is not on the birth certificate but obviously dna will prove it. We are talking mega bucks. And we are in ni if that makes any difference. I’m just asking around at the minute to get an idea of what it could look like, but it looks like an appointment with a solicitor would be the next step. Thanks so much all for the help!!

Yes best to get a probate solicitor to start the process to prove dna then apply for the contest of will. Good luck with it all

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Hey all
I'm going to post as much as I can without giving too much away. A couple of years back I worked for a school within a Catholic trust (this may be relevant). today I had a letter claiming that the school has claimed a rebate so I need to pay back some tax for my time there. I checked my payslips and everything is on there. No one currently working seems to have one of these letters. It looks like a real letter and the number to call is for HMRC.
Edited to add: is this something companies can just do or is it because it's a church trust?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hey all
I'm going to post as much as I can without giving too much away. A couple of years back I worked for a school within a Catholic trust (this may be relevant). today I had a letter claiming that the school has claimed a rebate so I need to pay back some tax for my time there. I checked my payslips and everything is on there. No one currently working seems to have one of these letters. It looks like a real letter and the number to call is for HMRC.
Edited to add: is this something companies can just do or is it because it's a church trust?

I dunno, this sounds suspect. I would phone HMRC and ask the questions