The advice thread for random problems #4

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

MY DAUGHTER DID IT!!! SHE QUIT!!!! (Can you tell I'm happy for her?)

At 4pm she told her boss she needs to prioritise her own health and on the advice of her GP, psychologist and union, she'll be on sick leave for the rest of her notice period. He was too flabbergasted to speak. Handed everything over to HR, said bye to her colleagues, and she's currently in the bath with a bottle of champagne. What more can I say?

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

My poor daughter resigned from her job this week - she's not been happy for quite a while (bad management). She left amicably, offered them an extended notice period to cover an important event and make sure none of her colleagues would be burdened, and to train a replacement.

Her boss called her today and tore her apart, told her he's glad because everyone in the office hates her and wants her gone and every member of senior management has been begging to fire her for months. Apparently every single colleague has complained about her to him. He rambled like a madman and said he'll even consider suing her for 'faking sick leave' - she had her gall bladder removed, had two weeks off, and came back and resigned. She interviewed on the last day of sick leave but legally, what could he actually sue for? She had the surgery and the doctor said she's allowed to leave the house.

She knows what he said isn't true, she has a great relationship with her colleagues, but she's distraught nonetheless. She's in her twenties and he's a misogynistic old narcissist who ripped her to shreds. What can I say to her that would help?

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I was really touched when an old friend found me on FB (our Mums were friends too), but then came the realisation that it was only to try and sell Forever Living. I'm far from skinny these days and am quite sensitive about it and she had the cheek to sign me up to some juice weight loss group she'd started. I was open mouthed for about 5 minutes, then posted on there that I was type 2 diabetic, the juice was pure sugar and I'd probably end up in hospital for trying to lose weight that way so I wasn't sure why she'd signed me up..... then blocked her. It's as awkward as fuck as she now lives in the same village........!!

These people have the hides of rhinos. There is no way to be tactful or polite - blunt and direct is the only way.

 

[Thank(space)you]

Who was the poster who had a sexual harassment case going on around Christmas time? I was wondering how you were getting on now? I hope it's all sorted at work!

It is me.
He's got mandatory sexual harrassment training, missed out on last year Xmas bonus and not eligible for this year one, he's also moved departments and had a warning. Work have paid for me to have 6 sessions of private therapy to help with the stress of it all

 

[tomato_paste]

Not really sure what to do with my depression any more. I've been working on myself in therapy for literally 20 years (been going since I was 14), I'm on antidepressants, I got a dog, I have enough money to be comfortable but I'm just so tired of living. Today was again one of those mornings where I just didn't see the point in living any more. I'm tired of it, of the struggle, of the random few days where I feel better and I get hopeful again only to fall back into the hole time and time again, of which I have to drag myself out of painfully, slowly, exhaustingly. But there's really only either continuing to suffer like this, dragging myself out of the hole, or simply offing myself to finally be done with it all. If it wasn't for my dog I don't think I'd have survived the last years of crushing despair tbh. How am I supposed to be doing this for the next 30 odd years? I don't think I can. Nothing ever changes, I'm still as lonely as I was when I was 14, I'm still as unhappy, even though therapy worked really well for me and I'm an entirely different person. I have friends and acquaintances, I have a distant but ok relationship with my parents (they were emotionally abusive), and a great relationship with my siblings, but I'm still so incredibly lonely it's literally making me sick in the head.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

My advice is 100% for her to take the sick leave. Reassure her that it's extremely admirable that she doesn't want to leave people in the shit but her health is the priority. She can then have the three weeks to recover and be in the best place possible ready to start the new job.

You've probably said all that already so it's not advice really, more reassurance that you're doing the best you can to support her.

 

[trudyjudy007]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

The bridges have already been burned. She will never turn to this boss again for a reference or future job. She will never go to these colleagues for catch ups or advice now that she’s seen their true colours. They’ve done the bridge burning, she doesn’t need to stand in the fire for the next 3 weeks.

Sick leave, lots of good sleep, deep clean her space, new bedding, clothes shopping for new job, lots of fresh air and coffees, good headspace and renewed confidence for the new role.

 

[Kim Mild]

First time poster and I literally don't know where else to ask.
Married my first boyfriend age 19. Together over 20 years but the relationship was quite abusive mentally and emotionally. He's changing etc and hasn't been treating me badly in about 3 years.
In the last year this guy started in work and we just clicked. He makes me feel so good about myself, will compliment my hair, we can chat and have a laugh, takes a genuine interest in me. We can chat and joke for ages but this is where is gets complicated.
He's extra nice to me, there has been some innuendo jokes from time to time. He knows of the abuse I have been through with my husband etc and he was supportive making sure I was OK.
I have no experience in this and I have never felt the way I do about this guy.
I am not a looker and have been told for years I am an embarrassment. There is no way he could be attracted to me and I assume its just banter and him being friendly.
Leaving my husband isn't an option for various reasons I can't explain but if I thought I would get a chance with this guy I would take it which isn't me at all .
Do I ask this guy to stop being so nice to me and giving me compliments as it's giving me the wrong idea.
I feel like I'm going insane with these feelings and need them to go away.
Really appreciate any advice x

It may be that this new guy is there to be a catalyst, rather than a love interest . His role in your life is to remind you that people do find you interesting and you can feel good about yourself. You have that and your husband can't take that away from you .

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Firstly I really hope you're doing ok, @Thank(space)you - I can only say do what you need to do for yourself, and prioritise your own health (mental and physical). Jobs are replaceable, you are not.

Secondly... some advice following a post I made on a previous thread. It's a bit long so my apologies.

To summarise the previous post, I ended up meeting a neighbour on my street who is an elderly woman (her cat kept coming into my garden). She seems quite lonely and very quickly began wanting to meet regularly, text all the time, etc. Problem is, when I turn up, she won't let me go for hours - keeps on talking and talking with no boundaries/respect for time. Hard when I work full time with a daughter etc. I know it's a matter of loneliness but it makes popping in for a cup of tea difficult if it takes two hours each time. She also added me on Facebook despite me telling her I just don't really use Facebook anymore and never check it - she would bombard me with tags on pictures and sending me memes etc.

She ended up having to move (she rents) and when she told me, I said I'd miss her cat coming round. She ended up giving me the cat - while I made it very clear to her this is her decision and I absolutely understand if she doesn't want to, I was glad as her care of him was bare minimum and she never really cared about his whereabouts.

Just before handing his vaccination details, papers etc over to me we met up for a cup of tea. She asked about my boyfriend and I said we had split up, but all was amicable and he'd simply moved away for work (a small lie, I never had a boyfriend, but it was a convenient excuse to avoid seeing her!). I told her I'd be away with my daughter on holiday for a week and when I told her where, she said she had a friend who could give me recommendations. I said that's lovely, and eventually managed to get home. The next day she told me she'd contacted this friend... and sent me screenshots of their conversation.

She said that I had been 'brutally abandoned by my lover' and was 'angry and sad and in need of support'. She asked this stranger to 'look after me, make my stay nice and console me as I needed'. She then went on to describe me - said I was lovely and kind (fair enough) - but that I was 'very fat but seem to like it that way and her daughter is the same'!! She said on my Facebook, I 'only post pictures of me eating' and that my daughter 'is probably the same'. I'm a size 12 and my daughter a tall 16/18. I was totally shocked. This stranger ended up reaching out to me, I told her that the neighbour had asked too much of her and I only asked for some restaurant recommendations. She happily gave those to me.

Since then, I have only briefly spoken to the neighbour when she handed over the cat. This all happened in November and I'm still furious. I haven't been to her new home and don't want to. She messaged mid-December to ask for updates (I feel like I should have reached out but was just too angry, and had heard nothing from her) - I told her cat was settled in well and she's welcome to check on him. Nothing since then. On a brief Facebook check today, I saw a stroppy post from her saying she posts on Facebook a lot and if people don't like it or her they should block her. I'd like to think it isn't about me.

I feel guilty for not messaging her more but at the same time, she's not my relative, she now lives 45 minutes away and I felt she was shockingly rude to me. I have her cat and I'm happy to share updates but she's not reached out to me either. Am I in the wrong here? Should I just get over myself? Congrats if you made it this far!!

 

[cee-bee]

Inadvertently started a huge arguement with Mr Lolz. I feel sick about it.
To cut a long story short I called him a shit stirrer round his parents. I genuinely didn’t mean those words so don’t even know why I said them.
He was rightfully fuming and stormed off and left me round his parents.
I honestly don’t know what to do. I sent him an apology text but I know that’s not really good enough.
I’m so upset for hurting him and I know I only have myself to blame.
What would you do?

maybe this is because I was in an abusive relationship in my early 20s so my perspective is coloured…

but conflicts like this aren’t just about how you react and apologise… but a massive learning curve on how your OH reacts.

just because you did something wrong doesn’t mean your partner is entitled to handle it however they want.

storming off? Red flag
Leaving you with his parents? Red flag
being set off in a rage because of something fairly innocuous that you’ve apologised for? Red flag.
my abusive ex would blow up over very small things, make me feel horrendous and use it as an opportunity to make me compliant and apologetic and do whatever he wanted.

after years of therapy and reflection and now being in a healthy relationship… I can look back and wish I’d known what those red flags looked like. a healthy way to navigate conflict would potentially look like;

you blurt out something hurtful. He initially feels hurt and angry, but is able to manage those feelings without reacting. He waits until his parents are gone and then tells you that, what you said actually hurt his feelings and maybe explains why. You explain you didn’t mean to, apologise and promise not to do it again.

saying something a bit mean shouldn’t result in you fearing your relationship will end or you being cut off - that isn’t healthy. That’s not a relationship that allows space for mistakes or learning. That sounds like an anxious attachment style. Im not judging, I have one too. But it made me ripe for exploitive relationships and I’m not saying this to lecture you, but because I want to keep other women safe.

I think it’s fair to point out to Mr Lolz that you’re sorry, but its still rude and reactive to storm out on you and his parents and not really a mature way to navigate conflict.

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Thank you all for the advice - I'm having lunch with my daughter today and I'm going to be showing her this. I hope she takes the sick leave and runs.Thank you all

 

[Thank(space)you]

Spoiler: Spoiler : long

It's meant to be confidential whilst investigated but he has been telling people his version of events, which is that I've pursued him, pressured him for sex, I'm so clingy to him & he didn't send a video but if he did I wanted it. He's also claiming to know my address & my car.

I've sent HR numerous screenshots of him asking to meet me & me refusing, me blocking him on social media & him messaging me from new accounts, there's minutes from a meeting I had with management back in July where I was complaining he was being inappropriate towards me (asking for nudes & sending an unsolicited dick pic), people have come forward to tell HR of times he has made inappropriate sexual comments regarding me/my body.

HR have been honest & said they've not really dealt with a case like this before, which is why it is taking longer than expected. Its been 2 weeks today since I raised the issue. I've been called in for additional questioning 4 times, including quite personal questions like "you said you've not had a relationship with a work colleague, but we know you went on a date with [name of a different colleague] once. Do you see how that's a contradiction?" So I've had to explain that 1 date is not a relationship and it didn't go anywhere, plus the amount people gossiped about it put me off the idea of dating anyone from work. Asking me how I know it was [perpetrator]'s penis in the video if we haven't had sexual relations before (I don't know it is his dick, but it was a live video sent to me from his social media account) asking me if I frequently gossip in work etc. It has been really stressful and I can't talk to anyone about it at work or defend myself; because it is meant to be confidential. I know people are talking about me, nobody sat with me at the work Xmas do

It's always on my mind, I'm struggling to sleep, I'm so anxious going into office that sometimes I'm actually sick with nerves.

I just want it to be over.

I'm on annual leave now until new year but have asked they keep me up to date with everything anyway as don't want this hanging over my head over Xmas.

 

[trudyjudy007]

Spoiler: Spoiler : long

It's meant to be confidential whilst investigated but he has been telling people his version of events, which is that I've pursued him, pressured him for sex, I'm so clingy to him & he didn't send a video but if he did I wanted it. He's also claiming to know my address & my car.

I've sent HR numerous screenshots of him asking to meet me & me refusing, me blocking him on social media & him messaging me from new accounts, there's minutes from a meeting I had with management back in July where I was complaining he was being inappropriate towards me (asking for nudes & sending an unsolicited dick pic), people have come forward to tell HR of times he has made inappropriate sexual comments regarding me/my body.

HR have been honest & said they've not really dealt with a case like this before, which is why it is taking longer than expected. Its been 2 weeks today since I raised the issue. I've been called in for additional questioning 4 times, including quite personal questions like "you said you've not had a relationship with a work colleague, but we know you went on a date with [name of a different colleague] once. Do you see how that's a contradiction?" So I've had to explain that 1 date is not a relationship and it didn't go anywhere, plus the amount people gossiped about it put me off the idea of dating anyone from work. Asking me how I know it was [perpetrator]'s penis in the video if we haven't had sexual relations before (I don't know it is his dick, but it was a live video sent to me from his social media account) asking me if I frequently gossip in work etc. It has been really stressful and I can't talk to anyone about it at work or defend myself; because it is meant to be confidential. I know people are talking about me, nobody sat with me at the work Xmas do

It's always on my mind, I'm struggling to sleep, I'm so anxious going into office that sometimes I'm actually sick with nerves.

I just want it to be over.

I'm on annual leave now until new year but have asked they keep me up to date with everything anyway as don't want this hanging over my head over Xmas.

Please get all of your documents in order and go to the police (today if you can). You going to the police doesn’t mean they’re going to go kick his door in, but you need to start a paper trail with them and inform them that he’s scared you by telling people he knows your car and address. He very may well have previous complaints or charges against him & the police will have this on record.

You need to try speak to a solicitor/lawyer asap before they go on leave for Xmas and you have to return to work. But For what it’s worth I would not be going back to this workplace, have your GP sign you off.

 

[House of Tea]

Random problem is my husband. It was his birthday a few days ago. We are away in a nice place. I bought him some presents but tonight he is being treated to a meal by me at a great restaurant. Except he is in a sulk because we are leaving tomorrow and reality looms large. I asked him if he was looking forward to the meal just now and he said he wasn’t hungry. I feel like chucking him a pack of crisps and saying Happy Birthday you ungrateful git. All I said was, you could have lied and said you were looking forward to it. Such a spoilt brat at times. No advice needed. Just ranting.

 

[LaBlonde]

I was at a party last night & my friend's boyfriend kept trying to pressure me to take coke..I kept saying no and then in the end he gummed me when I was laughing. How do I politely tell him he's crossed a boundary with me?

i wouldn’t in any way be trying to be POLITE about that wtaf?! i’d be telling him if he tried that again i would literally bite his hand (hopefully off).

i would tell him that no actually means no and to attempt to have some degree of decency in respecting people’s wishes. dickhead.

 

[littlepup]

Maybe more of a question than needing advice, but... Is it a thing that negative people don't want you anymore when you become happier?

I've done a lot of work on myself in the past few years. I was horrendously ill with depression for years, now I'm more or less ok. An old boyfriend has gotten in touch, after we've not spoken for 12 years. He was always perfectly nice to me when we were dating as teenagers, but when he's been messaging me the past week, I've just felt that he was such a downer. Every single message is about how he's getting old (we're 30!) and he doesn't like his career and he wants more money (he has a really impressive career). I'm just not here for it. If he was an old friend I'd been in contact with for years, then I would want to support him, but he's basically an almost-stranger who just turned up in my inbox to tell me how shit everything is.

Yesterday I was getting dental work done. He messaged me asking how I was, "because that doesn't exactly sound like a great day." I felt a bit defensive because I was having a good day and I didn't need someone to come in and enforce their idea that everything is going horribly. I just replied, "Well I feel better for having it done." Now he's not replied since yesterday, even though he's been texting me constantly for a week. I don't want to keep talking to him tbh, so I don't care, it just made me wonder: are there people who want to use you to wallow in misery together and then when they realise you haven't got that mindset, they reject you? I've been noticing in recent years how many people are negative - not necessarily the same as people in bad circumstances or who have mental illnesses, but lots of people just have nothing nice to say about anything.

Definition of the phrase misery loves company.
Miserable people look for other miserable people so they can wallow together, they don’t want to improve and revel in the negativity. If you try to share positivity to bring them up they will look elsewhere because they are comfortable in their misery and only want/need others the same to justify their own behaviour.

It’s the same with most negative behaviours, bitching, gossiping, substance abuse, laziness… If you shut them down they’ll give up with you and go and find someone else who’ll be on board to make their own behaviour feel acceptable.

 

[Brewtime87]

Would you have gravy with a chicken and leek pie?

I have gravy with anything I can when I moved up north I said as a joke to my new boss I'd only moved for the gravy, and they printed that quote alongside my photo on the global company website

 

[Rxt156]

Hello all! Update for you on my previous post - in short, daughter resigned from her job (amicably) and her boss has decided make her life a living hell for her 5 weeks of notice.

He's continuing to belittle, humiliate her, tell her to do one thing on the phone and claiming a totally different thing once she's done it - in front of colleagues. Banning her from meetings and shouting at her for not knowing what was said in them, etc. Worst of all for her, only one colleague has reached out to her to ask if she's ok. She hasn't asked them for anything, but she's really quite hurt that not a single one will even ask privately if she's doing alright - they're watching the boss act like this and burying their heads in the sand. She's hurt because they were a small office and all very close, and she's certainly helped them through tough times.

The doctor has put her on anti-anxiety medication and is willing to sign her off on sick leave until the end of her notice, which is now about 3 weeks. She knows going on it would absolutely burn any bridges, and leave her colleagues in a mess, which is why she's reluctant. But I'm really worried about her mental health - I've never seen her like this. She's in tears all day long, even at the weekend. This just isn't her. She's trying to keep a brave face up but I can see her crumbling each day.

Any advice? I want her to just take the sick leave and tell them to F off, but I'd appreciate any input.

Sick leave definitely. There is nothing to be gained from going in the remaining few week

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Thank you @littlepup and @Popcornshovel, I've passed on the message. I think you're both 100% right. Sadly he's the CEO of a relatively small company - so HR to him is just an annoying fly to swat.

Thankfully she's off to a role on triple her current salary and she impressed them so much at interview and with the practical tests that they want her ASAP, no need for references. I'm a proud mum!!

 

[cee-bee]

Spoiler: Spoiler : long

It's meant to be confidential whilst investigated but he has been telling people his version of events, which is that I've pursued him, pressured him for sex, I'm so clingy to him & he didn't send a video but if he did I wanted it. He's also claiming to know my address & my car.

I've sent HR numerous screenshots of him asking to meet me & me refusing, me blocking him on social media & him messaging me from new accounts, there's minutes from a meeting I had with management back in July where I was complaining he was being inappropriate towards me (asking for nudes & sending an unsolicited dick pic), people have come forward to tell HR of times he has made inappropriate sexual comments regarding me/my body.

HR have been honest & said they've not really dealt with a case like this before, which is why it is taking longer than expected. Its been 2 weeks today since I raised the issue. I've been called in for additional questioning 4 times, including quite personal questions like "you said you've not had a relationship with a work colleague, but we know you went on a date with [name of a different colleague] once. Do you see how that's a contradiction?" So I've had to explain that 1 date is not a relationship and it didn't go anywhere, plus the amount people gossiped about it put me off the idea of dating anyone from work. Asking me how I know it was [perpetrator]'s penis in the video if we haven't had sexual relations before (I don't know it is his dick, but it was a live video sent to me from his social media account) asking me if I frequently gossip in work etc. It has been really stressful and I can't talk to anyone about it at work or defend myself; because it is meant to be confidential. I know people are talking about me, nobody sat with me at the work Xmas do

It's always on my mind, I'm struggling to sleep, I'm so anxious going into office that sometimes I'm actually sick with nerves.

I just want it to be over.

I'm on annual leave now until new year but have asked they keep me up to date with everything anyway as don't want this hanging over my head over Xmas.

Confidential doesn’t mean You’re not allowed to report. I don’t care if they haven’t dealt with a case like this before, they are letting you down horrendously. Their incompetence and lack of experience isn’t your problem. If they can’t handle it, they should’ve passed it to police, two weeks ago. You don’t deserve to suffer because they suck. Your reputation and work environment is suffering because of their inability to do their job properly.

I’ll be frank with you. I’d say you have a robust legal case against your workplace right now. I’d strongly consider getting a lawyer to review.

I’m absolutely furious on your behalf.