Social Currency Talk

[House of Tea]

I do feel very deeply that social media and the whole influencer thing is sowing seeds of discontent around the world. All this glossy and unreal content, it is just making people feel like failures. It helps to realise that the whole bloody lot of them are just glorified salespeople, trying to get rich off of other people. Tuning them out these days is hard. But I know that if I have a few days offline I feel so much better about what I do have, rather than what I don’t. Instagram and the like, not much original content, just copycats copying copycats.

 

[kbjhguih]

I feel like i'm in a social currency overdraft. Mid twenties, never dated (ever ...), and not a home owner. I do have a career-y job, bachelors and masters degree, and love to travel.

I just have no self esteem, so I don't think I'll be meeting anybody anytime soon. I feel so much pressure from the world to be dating.

Despite this, I think I'm perfectly satisfied with my life.

 

[Sheeeet]

This is interesting.

Firstly, I think for "social currency", you could substitute "status anxiety" - there were a few books around this subject a few years ago (Affluenza by Oliver James is a good one).

Coming to terms with it and making peace with what you want versus societal expectation is something that can resolve with age, if you have a solid sense of self. You can choose which of those expectations are things that mean something to you and disregard those that don't. For example, it was important to me to have the stability of my own house and I was lucky enough to be of an age where I could make that happen relatively cheaply. On the other hand, I've never wanted kids, been bothered about international travel or a fancy job so I've never pursued those.

I think it's much harder for those who have grown up with social media to resist the pressure of feeling they "should" have a certain standard of living and there's less time away from being online to think deeply about who you are and what's important to you.

Interestingly I'm starting to be bothered about the state of my house, partly because everything needs renovating but also because on my daily walk I pass much more expensive houses and there are builders and skips on a lot of the roads. On Instagram, I see fancy houses on there too rather than anything equivalent to my current living situation.

It's natural to compare your own situation with that of friends but social media means you're not comparing like with like, even if we aren't totally aware of that. Maybe it's more about becoming aware of our motivations and actual wants rather than blindly comparing our whole life to someone else's highlight reel of what we get to see on social media.

Eta - posted this before seeing @House of Tea reply - jinx!

 

[bcfc999]

I compare myself to other people a lot, which I know is bad for me but I also don't see how you can just stop - fine I could delete my social media (although then I'd lose touch with a couple of people who I only speak to on there) but I'd still have people in my real life to compare myself to! As people have said I don't find big influencers the biggest issue for me, because they're just not relatable. I don't care what Molly Mae or Zoella are doing/wearing/remodelling/buying because their lives are so far from mine that it's just not comparable (and of the three of us I'd prefer to keep my life!). There are micro influencers though whose lives/careers I do compare myself to - they seem a lot more like real people, I guess because they have things they actually do outside of the Internet.

Social currency wise, I'm in a long term relationship (same sex so I may lose or gain currency for that depending on the audience ), I'm from a working class background, I have a degree, I don't have a noticeable regional accent, I own a house with a mortgage, I have no kids and am unmarried. I'm overweight too which like @HoGi said probably loses me points. I feel really negative about my job and career at the moment - I'm not enjoying my job and for various reasons haven't ended up in the career I planned. Being in my 30s has knocked me a bit in that I feel like I "should" have a high-powered career like the people I outperformed at school (if only someone had encouraged me to develop my confidence rather than my grades...). I don't have a lot of friends but the ones I do have are mostly employed in careers related to their studies, or at least something they enjoy. So that's my biggest social currency concern atm - I know it sounds bad, but the fact that I'm not where I "should" be career-wise, and although I'm not old I feel like time is running out.

 

[Codiaeum]

Opening this thread, as the topic came up in Does Anyone Hate Their Job and as we want to keep that thread about jobs, job seeking, venting, etc, let's use this place to talk more broadly about Social Currency.

To me, social currency is anything like marriage, home ownership, children, career, etc. Things that tick off big milestone boxes and around which society seems to have a lot of expectations on how and when to achieve them. It's also, especially in the context of influencers and celebs what generates the most income in the forms of views, media interest, and sponsorships.

I would love it if we could use this thread to talk about social currencies and the feeling of inadequacy we might have from it.

I'll go first
I'm 33 years old and have always worked in tech and at "cool places". The sort of company where people will either start gushing about how great they are or tell you how absolutely evil anything tech is (but still make a twisted compliment that you got in).
I'm in a very long-term relationship of 16 years, but we aren't married. That raises eyebrows left and right. We don't have kids and also aren't planning on having them. Again, losing on currency, how serious could a relationship be that does not take the next commitment level of marriage and also doesn't produce anything solid like a kid? We have a beautiful home, but we don't own it and again, lost out on currency.

And the worst thing is, while I know that none of this should matter at all, it does nag on me and I do feel sad about "losing". I shouldn't compare - I know that that apparently fancy career is just as crappy from the inside as a "boring" job somewhere else, though it might come with some nicer perks and good pay. I know that marriage and kids aren't for me to make other people happy, but as an inherent overthinker and people-pleaser, I start to doubt whether I'm doing it right. I'd love to buy a home, but timing and place didn't seem right...
So here I am, feeling sad when I hear what other people have in terms of social currency, fully aware that that is an outside picture they're projecting to me that may well look very different inside.

 

[MinnnieMouse]

I don't know what the Barbie speech is but I do know that anyone who thinks less of a person due to how many kids they have, what job they have, what pet they have, what car they drive etc is an absolute bell end.

 

[nini-vin-floofsberg]

I LOVE this thread!

I hadn't really given it much thought until reading replies, so here's my input..

34 years old. Married. 1 son who is 5. 2 cats (I expect the cats will lose points as a dog is typically seen as more valuable)
We have a nice life I guess - not amazing income but enough for our survival (more on this later...)

As I said above, we have 1 son and don't plan on having any more children which definitely loses points. The judgement is always a good laugh though.

Home wise, we bought our first flat in 2016 and have since sold it and moved up the ladder. We couldn't have done this without a significant inheritance which allowed us to completely renovate our now home. Without the inheritance we would likely still be in our little flat. Which to be honest, was a lovely starter home and for all it was small, it was cheap mortgage wise and also bills wise.

Our home now is a 3 bed semi (nothing special but a lovely coastal spot which is a 30 second walk from the beach which may grant me more points!) although we're in the north east with a VEY strong regional accent.... swings and roundabouts eh.

We are a working class family and come from a long line of "work to live". I guess this is typical for our location - grim up north.

Both MrNini & I work in financial services which sounds far more "point worthy" than it actually is.

He is in the corporate world, and I'm in the independent arena. I get paid far less than he does for a far more qualified role. The Barbie speech (IYKYK) has really opened my eyes about this to be honest and I'm considering jumping ship. I've worked hard to get where I am but still feel undervalued and underpaid. I guess thats often the risk with a small business.

I have a small circle of girlfriends (friends from being at school) and we see each other maybe 3/4 times a year as a group.

Comparison to others its something I really personally struggle with, and dare I say I think its quite normal. Whether the comparison is out of curiosity, jealousy or otherwise, I think its a natural thing.

On paper I guess we may score quite reasonably on the social currency scale, but I still feel like there is a lot more to achieve and time is ticking away.

 

[Codiaeum]

Oh yes, I know what you mean with upgrades in the home. There was actually a discussion around that here recently in the Discontent topic that there is a pressure to upgrade anything in your home. My gut feeling is that that is largely coming from a combination of social media, where you see influencers upgrading their kitchens after five years, or putting in a new bathroom because they couldn't stand the horrible tiles that were on trend four years ago anymore. Couple that with home good being a lot more accessible than they used to be (hello, ikea!), and there seems to be an expectation that you just constantly cycle through new stuff.

 

[HoGi]

Oh yes, I know what you mean with upgrades in the home. There was actually a discussion around that here recently in the Discontent topic that there is a pressure to upgrade anything in your home. My gut feeling is that that is largely coming from a combination of social media, where you see influencers upgrading their kitchens after five years, or putting in a new bathroom because they couldn't stand the horrible tiles that were on trend four years ago anymore. Couple that with home good being a lot more accessible than they used to be (hello, ikea!), and there seems to be an expectation that you just constantly cycle through new stuff.

Definitely! We bought a fixer upper as it meant we could buy a bigger house but we haven't got the budget to fix it up

Have done what we can and it is more than livable but it isn't instagramable. I really wish people would show more "normal" homes.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Came over from the job thread to see what social currency is all about, never heard of it before. And it makes me sad to see how people feel affected by it.
I’ll be honest none of these things ever occur to me. I wouldn’t say I’m a particularly confident person but I am happy with my life and choices - even when I lived out of a suitcase I never felt judged tbh.
Is this because I’m older (40) or because I walk to the beat of my own drum?
We are not married and don’t have kids, don’t want any either.
We do own a very nice house, which we don’t keep renovating but it’s homely.
And we are well off, although you wouldn’t know this from our lifestyle.
We just sold our business so will soon be jobless, I have two degrees and Mr lolz has none.
I am “foreign”, though British now and Mr lolz comes from a social housing background.
I mainly travel by myself and nothing super fancy that is instagramable.

So if I understand social currency correctly I kinda feel like we even out because we have some +’s but also several -‘s

 

[HoGi]

I forgot that's another thing I lose points on, I didn't go to uni so I am seen as a failure by so many, despite having a decent job

 

[Codiaeum]

To me, I feel social currency more when in contact with friends and associates because there’s more direct comparison! I don’t feel too affected by social media life updates from people I have never met.

I also think I’ve felt it more over last 10 years leaving uni, moving away from my home town. There’s more occasions to catch up with people and of course, those milestones are the first topics to rattle through!

Yes, I think I'm in the same boat - while I wrote above that for influencers they make a lot of money from exactly those milestones, I'm not particularly bothered by them, as I know it's a made-up thing. But the people I went to school with feel different, it's the first thing you talk about...

 

[MinnnieMouse]

I have a master's degree, but I actually feel like that's not credit-worthy at all not a subject you win any points with, so to speak.

I'm always massively impressed by people with a masters. I have never really thought about it terms of social status, although I suppose I probably automatically assume people who have one are privileged financially to afford it.

 

[Magee]

This is going to be a good thread! Thanks for starting.

There’s a lot of similarities between you and I, I’m 32, unmarried and been with my partner for 14 years, no pets, no kids. My social currency is my current property which we are building.

Last night we were at a birthday party and that was a hot topic for us as we are doing everything ourselves whilst living in it. People love to know the ups, downs, ins and outs!

To me, unmarried without kids isn’t an issue because none of my peers have kids and our money is being spent on our home which we find more fulfilling.

I’m not well travelled, and I hate that I can’t contribute to conversations about New York bakeries, the beaches of Barbados and my favourite south of France city. I awkwardly nod along.

 

[!noseyparker!]

I know it sounds strange/ foolish of me but I genuinely didn't think it was insecurity/ jealousy at all!

Yeah it definitely sounds like their issue, not yours - especially given they can't even give you a single example. What do your parents think?

No idea, to be honest. My parents have said it's sad that I'm not as close to my brothers and sisters anymore but otherwise not got involved.

Yeah, I bet they do feel social pressure also in their own peer group, but you, as family and likely a save ground, will hear all about it

I think this is true and cuts in various ways - a lot of our mutual friends/ friends we grew up with are either artists of one kind and another or lawyers/ teachers/ doctors and although this is a very sweeping generalization I think for some of our friends, getting married and having kids actually reduces your social currency/ makes you seem less "woke" and boring. Whereas for others, they expect everyone to want a big wedding/ a house/ husband etc. I guess I feel like, for some of my siblings, they think I'm boring because I got married!

 

[Magee]

To me, I feel social currency more when in contact with friends and associates because there’s more direct comparison! I don’t feel too affected by social media life updates from people I have never met.

I also think I’ve felt it more over last 10 years leaving uni, moving away from my home town. There’s more occasions to catch up with people and of course, those milestones are the first topics to rattle through!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

How do you all deal with different social currencies between adult siblings? After having worked fairly low-paid jobs until the last two years or so/ been single until I was in my mid-twenties, I am more surprised than anyone that I have a good job that I enjoy mostly/ am married/ co-own a house with my husband.

I am the second eldest of five children - all between mid twenties to mid thirties and I am the only one completely financially independent from my parents. Two of my siblings live with my parents (in London) and my parents also supplement my other siblings' rent in less expensive UK cities.

Now, not all my siblings want a partner/ a house/ children/ to work for a big organization like I do! I know that and I don't expect them to make the same life choices I have. But for some reason, over the last few years, they've all at some point said I make them feel like I do expect that, and when I stress I don't for one second think that and then ask for examples so I don't do it again, they can't think of any, so I just apologize and then the same thing happens a few months later coming, from my perspective, out of nowhere.

I don't think I'm better than them for any of my achievements - so much of my achievements have been based on some hard work, and the right choices at the right time, yes, but mainly a lot of luck. But they seem to think I do think that and I don't know how to change that. I do live in the US which I think puts more pressure on our relationships when I visit, which I try to do at least twice a year, so maybe that's part of it, but it's frustrating that it's changed our relationships so much.

It’s most probably perceived pressure rather than you actually expecting more. People tend to project when they feel insecure/jealous etc

 

[Codiaeum]

I have a master's degree, but I actually feel like that's not credit-worthy at all not a subject you win any points with, so to speak.

 

[HoGi]

This is a really interesting topic.

I am married and own (with mortgage) my house, but I work in public sector (and not one that anyone thinks deserves a thank you, a clap or any sort if discount) and am happily childfree to lose a few social currency points there! I'm also overweight which I think loses points too.

And despite owning my house it is nice but isn't supoer modern, it doesn't have new kitchen/block paved drive/etc.

 

[Codiaeum]

It’s most probably perceived pressure rather than you actually expecting more. People tend to project when they feel insecure/jealous etc

Yeah, I bet they do feel social pressure also in their own peer group, but you, as family and likely a save ground, will hear all about it