This couldn’t be more accurate 
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You sound like a kindred spirit - I even wore heart earrings too!!
*Pulls up a chair and opens the biscuit tin*
Definitely think this is the thread for me. I have simply no desire to date.
I’m about to make a very bold statement now, but I think ‘most’ men have abusive attitudes. There are a number of reasons for that, too many to list here. But I just don’t have the inclination or the energy levels to sift the good from the bad with online dating.
Most men bore me. A sobering realisation indeed. Only took me my entire life to figure this out.
When I think about the years and years I spent twisting and contorting myself to be “what they want” and the never ending self-preening I did to fit these idealised notions of beauty, I want to cry.
It was all such a big waste of time. They still ended up treating me inadequately.
None of them were worthy.
I came across this video today on Instagram. The fact she can’t see what I’m VERY clearly seeing here is wild AF.
Definitely think this is the thread for me. I have simply no desire to date.
I’m about to make a very bold statement now, but I think ‘most’ men have abusive attitudes. There are a number of reasons for that, too many to list here. But I just don’t have the inclination or the energy levels to sift the good from the bad with online dating.
Most men bore me. A sobering realisation indeed. Only took me my entire life to figure this out.
When I think about the years and years I spent twisting and contorting myself to be “what they want” and the never ending self-preening I did to fit these idealised notions of beauty, I want to cry.
It was all such a big waste of time. They still ended up treating me inadequately.
None of them were worthy.
I came across this video today on Instagram. The fact she can’t see what I’m VERY clearly seeing here is wild AF.
...except my Dad. Nobody can live up to my Dad. Actually now I come to think of it, I know a few older fellas who are really, really decent and I don't see my a if they open a door for me etc. I just don't understand this new waxed and plucked breed.*Pulls up a chair and opens the biscuit tin*
Definitely think this is the thread for me. I have simply no desire to date.
I’m about to make a very bold statement now, but I think ‘most’ men have abusive attitudes. There are a number of reasons for that, too many to list here. But I just don’t have the inclination or the energy levels to sift the good from the bad with online dating.
Most men bore me. A sobering realisation indeed. Only took me my entire life to figure this out.
When I think about the years and years I spent twisting and contorting myself to be “what they want” and the never ending self-preening I did to fit these idealised notions of beauty, I want to cry.
It was all such a big waste of time. They still ended up treating me inadequately.
None of them were worthy.
I came across this video today on Instagram. The fact she can’t see what I’m VERY clearly seeing here is wild AF.
It's better to be single than with someone for the sake of it, I know that now. You don't get controlled and you can look and feel how you like without getting questioned. Does anyone else find it absolutely terrifying also being with someone though, because love and the emotions that go with it can be overwhelming? Also you have to be able to trust the partner would be faithful etc. I just find relationships difficult they don't ever seem to be normal and nice. Sounds like a me problem but I just think it's alot of work these days. (Being with someone)
Definitely agree, I think I've been single so long now that I don't know if I would be able to cope with a full-on relationship these days. I'm used to doing everything for myself (through necessity) and having been let down and messed around by people in the past, I'm very cynical and it would take someone pretty special to be able to get my guard down. I would say I"m single by choice because I choose not to settle or be with someone for the sake of it but I would still be open to a relationship if I met someone that would genuinely enhance my life and not be a fool.
You've very much summed up my current feelings on men and dating.*Pulls up a chair and opens the biscuit tin*
Definitely think this is the thread for me. I have simply no desire to date.
I’m about to make a very bold statement now, but I think ‘most’ men have abusive attitudes. There are a number of reasons for that, too many to list here. But I just don’t have the inclination or the energy levels to sift the good from the bad with online dating.
Most men bore me. A sobering realisation indeed. Only took me my entire life to figure this out.
When I think about the years and years I spent twisting and contorting myself to be “what they want” and the never ending self-preening I did to fit these idealised notions of beauty, I want to cry.
It was all such a big waste of time. They still ended up treating me inadequately.
None of them were worthy.
I think there are decent men out there, but by and large they are in LTRs, because they are the decent ones who don't lie, cheat, deceive, abuse and so on - they don't do any of that relationship ending stuff.
Sure there are some exceptions, but a lot of men remain, or become single for good reason.
Men bore me too. My dad always said that the sort of men who gravitate to me are my intellectual inferior, but I'd never be happy until I met an equal. And he was right, I'm still looking. My most recent Ex was cleverer than me in some ways, but very much not in others and had a massive chip on his shoulder about all the advantages he perceived I'd had (even though I grew up in a crappy part of East London in a council house with no money, and he had a middle class upbringing in one of the most beautiful towns in the UK!). So like in every single relationship I've ever had I put myself down, bigged him up at my expense. And the self centred shitbag cheated on me anyway. And made that all my fault too.
I'm currently working with a good friend of mine who's from another organisation. We were in a meeting recently, and I realised how she cheerleads for me constantly in subtle ways, pointing out my achievements or interests to others - something my parents used to do as well when I was growing up. And it almost made me cry because of the realisation that I've always wanted a partner to cheerlead for me and they never have. I've never felt they were proud of me, wanted to share my accomplishments or big me up in front of others. Even though I did that for each and every one of them. Like you, I don't think any of my many Exs were worthy of me or my time.
This resonated with me a lot, especially the part where you suppressed your intellect and downplayed your gifts. This has been my life, my whole life. The problem though, is the way it slowly eats away at you. You realise they are getting their needs met, but you are always left hungry and deeply unsatisfied.
I recently did the Clifton strengths test—I’ve had a recent career change (highly recommend doing the test for anyone interested). It came back that my #1 and #2 strengths is high intellection and high ideation. Well, I wasn’t exactly surprised. Basically, I need a LOT of stimulation (in lots of ways) and sitting in front of the TV every night watching soaps and reality TV shows doesn’t cut it. And that’s all my ex was interested in, as well as having one dimensional conversations, packed with superficial ideas.
I thought I could deal with it. I thought that his other qualities would make up for it. Turns out those other qualities weren’t that great either.
Now, I would only have a relationship with an intellectual man, with a high degree of emotional intelligence and sensitivity. And that is a big ask, given that we are talking about the male species here.
This is interesting to me, I haven't had a relationship and I think it is partly because I've never met a man who was intellectually stimulating to me, and also attractive. It's one or the other! Not to blow my own trumpet but I am fairly intelligent, it's pretty much my best quality, and I'd be mortified if I had to play that down to a MAN.
Definitely hold out for the intellectual man. But he needs to have the emotional intelligence/feeling component too (VERY RARE). Without it, there will be problems still. The ex before the recent ex was very intellectual, but he was so cold and unfeeling, it was the loneliest relationship I’ve ever had.
So, if you haven’t had a relationship yet, you haven’t missed much. Most men are basic AF. And settling for one, will just give you more problems then it is worth.
Finding a guy who's all the above plus doesn't take himself too seriously is hard going. Notice none of us have mentioned looks so I think we are all happy to compromise on that but finding a decent, bright, self aware man who can laugh at himself and make me laugh is not happening.
Basically, I want me in male form
Basically, I want me in male form
I'm nearly 2 years out of my last relationship and I really now see it far more clearly. He is a clever man, he is also physically exactly my type. But he isn't actually a very nice person and although with his help I did finally pass my driving test he did that as much to benefit him as me. Plus encouraging me to do things like that should be a bare minimum in relationships, it's not some inspiring selfless act!
He was incredibly petty too. I said to him once I hate carnations and chrysanthemums (I do, a friend and I have always called them funeral flowers. I love all other flowers though). Even though up to that point he'd only bought me lilies and roses - my favourite flowers - he never bought me any flowers again. fool. There were loads of things he wouldn't do or places he wouldn't go because he did them with his ex wife and she didn't appreciate them. The more I reflect on it, the more I think I have thee diplomacy skills of Kofi Annan to have done 8 years of that nonsense.
Never dim your light ladies!
He was incredibly petty too. I said to him once I hate carnations and chrysanthemums (I do, a friend and I have always called them funeral flowers. I love all other flowers though). Even though up to that point he'd only bought me lilies and roses - my favourite flowers - he never bought me any flowers again. fool. There were loads of things he wouldn't do or places he wouldn't go because he did them with his ex wife and she didn't appreciate them. The more I reflect on it, the more I think I have thee diplomacy skills of Kofi Annan to have done 8 years of that nonsense.
Never dim your light ladies!
SO happy I found this thread! I split with my ex in October and I've never felt so light.
I really do think we were together just for the convenience and neither of us could afford to live alone (Thankfully a healthy pay rise has sorted that for me) I reflect on it quite a lot as it was my first proper long-term relationship. I was bending my own wants and needs to fit another person in order to not be an inconvenience (I was literally going to move to London, despite my well-know hatred cities)
I'm now living on my own for the first time and I've really surprised myself with how much I love it and how much my confidence in myself has grown and newly found energy!
I really do think we were together just for the convenience and neither of us could afford to live alone (Thankfully a healthy pay rise has sorted that for me) I reflect on it quite a lot as it was my first proper long-term relationship. I was bending my own wants and needs to fit another person in order to not be an inconvenience (I was literally going to move to London, despite my well-know hatred cities)
I'm now living on my own for the first time and I've really surprised myself with how much I love it and how much my confidence in myself has grown and newly found energy!
My long term ex was my intellectual equal and he was good looking, funny and so charming / charismatic. I thought I’d hit the jackpot.
Problem was - he turned out to be living a double life. Hadn’t been honest about his sexuality. Cheated on me with men and woman. Gaslit me to unspeakable levels. Abused me emotionally, physically and financially and when I called it, he took the only the things I had left to love (my dogs) and disappeared.
I’ve recovered from it all (still bitter but who can blame me) but I genuinely don’t think I could make it work with anyone else.
I did date someone afterwards for about a year and he was lovely and kind and emotionally mature and he couldn’t have hurt an ant BUT intellectually we had nothing in common. I struggled so much without the mental stimulation. I want the big, long, important conversations that turn our brains on and the rest then comes naturally. If you have that, and some daily laughter then you will be attracted to them and the sex will likely be good too.
I want it all or I’d rather be single. I think a lot of us on this thread are like that. I’m genuinely content. I’m happy living on my own with cat. I love having full autonomy over my life.
What bothers me the most about being single is how other people perceive you. I see the pity, I hear the tone (from friends, family, colleagues). The underlying current behind their well meaning yet patronising words that something must be wrong with us when in reality we’re SO much stronger than a lot of people in relationships that have settled for someone who isn’t their intellectual equal, who doesn’t make them laugh. They’re prepared to turn a blind eye to bad behaviour or carry the full mental load of working and keeping the kids happy and the house in order while their husbands spend all weekend on the golf course.
I’ve lost count of how many women I know who are a shell of their former selves and I’ll be damned if that’s happening to me (again).
Problem was - he turned out to be living a double life. Hadn’t been honest about his sexuality. Cheated on me with men and woman. Gaslit me to unspeakable levels. Abused me emotionally, physically and financially and when I called it, he took the only the things I had left to love (my dogs) and disappeared.
I’ve recovered from it all (still bitter but who can blame me) but I genuinely don’t think I could make it work with anyone else.
I did date someone afterwards for about a year and he was lovely and kind and emotionally mature and he couldn’t have hurt an ant BUT intellectually we had nothing in common. I struggled so much without the mental stimulation. I want the big, long, important conversations that turn our brains on and the rest then comes naturally. If you have that, and some daily laughter then you will be attracted to them and the sex will likely be good too.
I want it all or I’d rather be single. I think a lot of us on this thread are like that. I’m genuinely content. I’m happy living on my own with cat. I love having full autonomy over my life.
What bothers me the most about being single is how other people perceive you. I see the pity, I hear the tone (from friends, family, colleagues). The underlying current behind their well meaning yet patronising words that something must be wrong with us when in reality we’re SO much stronger than a lot of people in relationships that have settled for someone who isn’t their intellectual equal, who doesn’t make them laugh. They’re prepared to turn a blind eye to bad behaviour or carry the full mental load of working and keeping the kids happy and the house in order while their husbands spend all weekend on the golf course.
I’ve lost count of how many women I know who are a shell of their former selves and I’ll be damned if that’s happening to me (again).
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Well ladies... I am currently sitting in bed in my chilled bedroom. I'm listening to cheesy soft rock classics from the 80s on Spotify. A church candle is burning on the top shelf of the furniture that I put together myself. I'm drinking hot coffee and downloading some pictures for my journalling scrapbook. My supermarket order will be delivered soon and I'll put together some healthy lunches for work this week. Later on I might walk down to the beach and collect some shells and stones for a project that I'm working on. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world I can't imagine any man fitting into my lovely life.
I know of some couples that genuinely seem to have a great time together. It must be a wonderful feeling, seeing your kids grow to adulthood and enjoying life, feeling part of a team. I now know that that's really pretty rare.
Hi guys, I've been reading this thread when I'm up with insomnia.
I wanted to share a book I read a couple of years ago which is still one of my current favourites. It's called The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine Gray.
Its by no means a perfect book and I think I remember one or two things she said that I raised my eyebrow at, BUT, I recommend it to all my female friends.
I think it may bring some comfort or help shift some perspectives for any tattlers who are struggling with being single / single by choice.
If you read please let me know what you think!
I wanted to share a book I read a couple of years ago which is still one of my current favourites. It's called The Unexpected Joy of Being Single by Catherine Gray.
Its by no means a perfect book and I think I remember one or two things she said that I raised my eyebrow at, BUT, I recommend it to all my female friends.
I think it may bring some comfort or help shift some perspectives for any tattlers who are struggling with being single / single by choice.
If you read please let me know what you think!
*waves*
New to this thread! I'm super happy being single, have been for a few years now, and the only discomfort I have surrounding my singlehood is the fact that no one in my life aside from my mom understands that I'm happy being single and that being in a couple isn't the only way to live life. Like any friend that becomes single sees it as a disease to cure ASAP which makes me feel like I'm somehow broken for not wanting to be paired off.
So I'm very glad I found this thread!
New to this thread! I'm super happy being single, have been for a few years now, and the only discomfort I have surrounding my singlehood is the fact that no one in my life aside from my mom understands that I'm happy being single and that being in a couple isn't the only way to live life. Like any friend that becomes single sees it as a disease to cure ASAP which makes me feel like I'm somehow broken for not wanting to be paired off.
So I'm very glad I found this thread!
Had a dream about my Ex last night (probably because I've been talking about him in the last couple of days, that tends trigger my subconscious) In the dream I was asking myself why I'd ended our relationship, when he was so great and feeling really happy that we were getting back together.
Of course the dream him only included the positives (plus some other positives he never or rarely displayed) and none of the negatives. Sadly dream him is just that!
Of course the dream him only included the positives (plus some other positives he never or rarely displayed) and none of the negatives. Sadly dream him is just that!