My husband and I got married 2 years ago. He was 33 and I was 29. He is attractive and we got on well from the first day we met. I wouldn’t say I’m gorgeous but i know I’m not ‘ugly’. I felt great on my wedding day though (wonders of hair and makeup and I hadn’t eaten properly for about 3 months so I was really slim). We went away for a 2-week honeymoon. Week 2 we literally didn’t sleep together at all, in fact, I don’t think we even kissed much. We slept together a few times before that Christmas, and then found out we were expecting. We literally have not had sex in over a year. And I mean nothing, at all. Pregnancy sickness took over my body for so long and then I was paranoid about losing our baby. Now that I have had the baby I feel wobbly and bigger in places. I’m knackered, dark-eyed and irritable a lot of the time because life is tough these days. I do find my husband attractive and wish we could be close sometimes, but honestly I don’t really enjoy sex very much, I don’t like my body and feel very vulnerable / exposed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually verging towards being asexual, but then again, my odd feelings towards sex have definitely been affected by a very religious upbringing in which I don’t recall my mum ever using the word in front of us, and it was seen to be dirty. All in all, I’m probably a disappointment to my husband, in that respect.
Hey this was really sad to read, especially the last line. Marriages and sex are a partnership, you don’t exist to either delight or disappoint him. And of course every woman who ever gave birth saw her body change after. It doesn’t make you any less attractive, truely. On the contrary it’s a sign of the most beautiful and natural things you can do - conceive, carry and care for a child with the person you love.
It doesn’t really sound like he is there for you though. Like you say you wish you could be close sometimes - of course you do. Intimacy is much more than sex itself and probably more important in many ways. Especially when you’re still recovering from labour. Does he ever hold your hand ? Or cuddle you ?
I don’t want to assume too much. Have you ever spoken to your husband about how the lack of intimacy makes you feel? withdrawal of that is withdrawal of a certain kind of love. Does he make you feel valued any other way - compliments? Both physical and not? And what about your child, you mention being exhausted, are you the sole carer?
Sorry to pry so much I just hate to hear something as familiar and infuriatingly unfair as a woman stripped of her confidence. You nurtured and carried life and then pushed a human out of you ! (Assuming you gave birth that way but any way is a marvel). You need support and respect.
I think you don’t have to be defined by your upbringing when approaching sex. Of course it’s significant - but the fact you have identified it shows how self aware you are, and that you have the mental strength to forge your own relationship to sex.
You haven’t said much about your relationship with your baby and again I don’t want to assume but having gone through it I’m sure you see how ironic it’s is to associate making a baby with something sordid, when in my view there is nothing purer than create someone you love, unconditionally.. It seems so disproportionate i sometimes think, to be shy about the reason every single person you’ve ever known - and the rest of the world - is here. The orgasms of billions of fathers! .
Sorry am I getting distracted ? Yes there are many different types of sex, but it doesn’t have to be conceiving to be an expression of love. You aren’t a baby maker and deserve to get pleasure from the act too. The fact you basically stopped in the second week of your honeymoon kind of implies it was his issue. If it was something you did he would have tried to get you to change it. No guy is going to be passing up sex on his honeymoon unless he had a different problem entirely. Was it ever discussed? Did you ever initiate sex, or try to?
Because i don’t think you are asexual. I think you’d know for sure if you were. And you are clearly attracted to your husband. confidence element is key as you say. I’ve struggled with it too, and still do, but it can’t be stated enough how important having a partner that shows they love your body whatever it’s shape, and are turned on by it too is for building
It. If they don’t do that, you won’t be able to fully relax - it is a vulnerable thing, but that doesn’t have to be negative - but unrelaxed you will just be willing it over. Learning to love your body as strong and beautiful and female is so important for you right now. It’s the first step to the healthy sex life you deserve and there’s no reason you can’t achieve - but you won’t be able to, without someone alongside who loves you and your body and shows that.
I’m sorry to have written such an essay, I hope it doesn’t come across too sanctimonious, or like I think im soem kind of therapist. It’s just that word “disappointment” - no man should ever have the audacity to make you feel that way. Certainly not after carrying his child for 9months and raising it for the next ...18 years ? How old is your baby?
I hope you know you are enough.
I’ve told her about her turning 40 not being a deal breaker when it comes to kids but she thinks if/when she leaves by the time she finds someone new.. dates a while.. she’ll be too old. Adopt is what I told her if she’s set on kids! Yeah she is already resenting him and I think that’s going to get worse as these months pass. Haha I asked her what she’d tell me if I was her and she said “bullshit, you’d have bailed after 6 months” To be fair I probably would have. They just need to break it off imo. Sad all around though.