So there I was, sitting in my one of my favourite restaurants, doodling away on the napkin - tits and fannies if you must know, but it’s my RIGHT as a MAN and that’s feminism, baby - slowly nursing a little chub as I did so. My doodles were turning me on, you see, because I’m a powerfully sexual man in a lot of ways that I don’t like to talk about, but if you’re a sexy lady I will, whether you want to or not.
Anyway, I was sitting there, and I noticed a table across the way, with six youngish lads all having something of a low-key, but clearly heated argument. Aha, I thought, this is a job for me, because I’m all about solutions, I look at problems, size up the data, and then fix it. I’ve had decades of experience, for which I’ve been paid various amounts of money. So I thought ‘You know, Russell, old boy (not ‘old chap’, which is what I call my erection), you could do these lads a solid. That’s right, SOLID. Just like when I slip it in.
So I went over, sat down with them, and found out they were a boyband from Korea - I knew they weren’t ‘local’ - I mean, I’d do the ‘slitty-eyes’ movement here, but no doubt I’d get cancelled for that. Now, usually I have no time for music like that - I’ve been around that world a LOT, and know everything about it, and boybands and the people who like them are stupid. They’re stupid people. What I mean is, they (the people who like that music) are a lot less scientifically intelligent than me (Russell), because they are stupid and I am not. Very few people are as intelligent as me, of course, it’s just a measurable fact. Like the length of my penis, the one which wakes me up every morning and have to spank until it cries at me.
It seems they were unhappy with one of their members, and were looking to replace him. Well, I thought, from what they were saying, this J-Hope lad sounded like he was a stupid person, one of ‘The Stupids’, as I call nearly everyone. And as it happened, I thought I could bring a special twist to these boys special blend of hip-hop, R&B and light rock, along with some obviously much-needed intelligence. I suggested this, and they all looked at each other enthusiastically, and instantly agreed. At this point I was very much needed to have a Number One (a prelude to the many Number Ones we’d all have together), and went to have one, holding my penis as I did so. Things were changing for ol’Russ, I thought. All of this UX stuff I’m so amazingly good at was about to stand for Unbelievable luXury!
But when I got back to the table, they’d all gone. It must have been too much for them as a concept, and I later found out they’d patched it up with the other bloke and gone on to unbelievable success. But, and I like to fuck ladies, for a moment I was the seventh member of BTS. As it turned out, I think all that travel and money and youthful groupies and success and youthful groupies and sex and youthful groupies would have been a bit much, so I’m glad it didn’t happen.
Or do I cry myself to sleep over it every night? Relentlessly. OH WHO CAN TELL! Not me. I’m just over here, designing some UX. As you do.
My penis.