gossip_guy
VIP Member
Another 'Week in My Life' begins with Ruby practicing her crane kick technique in her huge, barren back yard for some reason.
I guess she entered an under-13s karate tournament?
Mummy must be too hungover and/or lying injured in a flower bed somewhere, because Ruby says she's forced to take a taxi to work. Her shrivelled Tory heart would break if she had to subject herself to riding a bus like a commoner, so she has no choice but to pay to be chauffeured by a stranger.
For context, Ruby's house is barely a 40 minute walk from her work and she is constantly claiming she loves taking hours-long walks several times a day. It's a ten minute bike ride, and in this very video, Ruby claims that cycling is a big hobby of hers (ha!). She doesn't need the money, but the cost of taxis to and from work will completely cancel out whatever she's being paid for 3 hours work every few days. Yet Ruby's constantly putting on her performative poverty hat to pretend that she can't afford things like books or to eat at restaurants. BOT SHE'S SYO VARRY SOSSTAINABOL.
Ruby puts on her fakest, daintiest little child voice to make herself seem young and victimised as she says, "Josst tyo antithipate quasschons, becoss...peepol AWHLWHEYS AHHSK, Oiy'm CORRENTLY on a gap YAA, BOT...Oiy'm WAAHRKING part toiyme in a schwool. OIY CHEESE NWOT TYOO SHAAHR ANNIE MWOAR DETAIL THAN THISSTHOUGH, JOSST FWOR PROIVACY REASONS."
Nahhh. Explaining the nature of her job doesn't impact the privacy of anyone, she just desperately wants people to assume that her job is infinitely more important than it is. And she no longer works in a school. Her contract was from January to end of term in July, she's just fudging the numbers, releasing vlogs filmed weeks ago and talking about it as though she's still there to seem busier than she is.
Work has been and gone and Ruby's back home and SYO VARRY AXWAUSTED. She provides zero detail as to what her working day was like or involved, so this whole thing was a pointless inclusion. The only remotely interesting thing to happen to her is not elaborated upon in any way, yet she still made sure to include a whole section telling us she WAARKS VARRY HARD AND IS VARRY TOIYRD FROM ALL THE WAAHRKING THAT WAS JANUINELY DON, even though she made a conscious choice to keeps her work and private life separate, apparently?
Ruby has bought herself a new
Faber & Faber have sent Ruby a free copy of some random book she's never heard of, so naturally she switches to sponsor ass-kissing mode.
"Faber are probablee moiy FAVOURITE poblisher," she says, while giving her patented 'I'm lying' poker tell squint. PANGWIN POBBLISHING must have refused to send her any free books which she'll never read, so they can eat shit, I guess.
"Loike, if you were gyowing tyoo be poblished with annieone..." Ruby adds, with a desperate, not-at-all-subtle series of 'Hint, hint, Faber! Please publish my terrible books! Look at all the free publicity I'm giving you!' facial expressions.
Faber also sent her a signed copy of Max "Pru-Fworma" Porter's latest book. At no point does she mention that these are gifted.
Ruby says she had a shower and got into her pyjamas, then goes outside barefoot to sign her bad poetry pamphlets for some reason. She does this while messily eating chocolate mousse, so if you're one of the poor bastards who paid money for one of these and were wondering what that brown stuff smeared on the paper was, you can breathe a sigh of relief - there's now a slightly lower chance that it was fecal matter staining the metaphorically shitty poems.
Back inside, she crams in a quick undeclared ad for BARD 'N' BLAND'S CHOCOLATE DOIYJASSTIFF TEEEEA. Then it's time to put her crappy Rupi Kaur knock-off poetry leaflets into envelopes.
Ruby claims she called her dad, did the poetry packaging and then did an additional hour of imaginary "ADMIN TAHHHSKS" which JANUINELY HAPPENED, HONNASTLEEE, taking her to "EIGHT THAAARTEEE".
Only...
Ruby's phone is on-screen before she starts sealing envelopes and the time shows as dead-on '20:00'. So only half an hour has passed. Another Ruby video, another half-assed series of VARRY PRODOCKTIVE lies and faked timescales.
It's the next day and Ruby points out that their squalid shithole of a house VARRY MOCH needs a hoover (when doesn't it, Ruby?). Rather than Ruby or her parents getting off her lazy asses to clean anything themselves, Ruby sends a dusty "robot hoover" to do the job instead. Putting this poor Roomba up against England's filthiest manor home is like wheeling an elderly coma patient into a boxing ring and expecting them to beat Tyson Fury. This thing'll be dead from dirt overclogging before it makes it 6 feet across the floor.
"Typically, oiy put CHEESEDAYS...assoide entoirely tyooo dyoooo wroyting?" Ruby asks herself, as she somehow changes outfits like 6 times in 2 minutes. "HOWAVVER. THAT DID NWOT HAPPEN TYODAY, becoss oiy was syeeing one off moiy clyosest frands."
And by "one of my closest friends", she means "Jade, who I only see once a year when our shared management team arrange a designated playdate for brand advertising purposes or force us to attend a publicity event together".
And, no surprise at all, all footage of Jade is full of ads and fakery.
Jade tries BARD 'N' BLAND'S signature 'CANDOLIT LOIBREE' tea in an undeclared ad segment. Then they go on a picnic just to show off RAMADEE KYOMBYOOCHA cans and other gifted food products which also aren't declared.
"I feel like me and Ruby have such...aligned hobbies?" Jade lies.
"Ohmoiygosh!" Ruby shouts, growing increasingly abrasive in tone. "COYCLING! AND VEEGAN PICNICKING! AND THAN REEEEADING? AND THAN WROYYTINNNNGGGG!"
Reminder: Ruby paid for a taxi to take her 5 minutes down the road to avoid having to cycle on a day of clear weather. Ruby is not vegan, but likes to pretend she is while buying leather handbags every few weeks. Ruby is unable to write above the level of a brain-damaged infant, while Jade's only piece of writing is a crappy vanity book/study guide which was a complete failure and hit bargain bins almost instantly.
These two have nothing in common aside from profound stupidity, narcissistic personalities and a shared fondness for pretending to be environmentally conscientious while jetting all over the world like they're competing for a 'whose carbon footprint is the biggest' high score.
Ruby then mentions yet again what a perfectionist she is.
The next day, Ruby claims she works from "NOINE TO FFFFWORE?" in her narration, and you can practically hear her squinting again. No way this happened, especially since she then claims to cram several hours of events into just two hours before a "JANNY MOSSTUD" book launch event.
And, of course, Ruby's eyes light up and she jumps into sponsor-begging mode when she sees that someone at the event has a Waterstones tote bag. Beyond embarrassing.
A day later and Ruby is back to shoehorning mentions of Chris Riddell into absolutely everything she can after she was sent free Riddell art prints. He's now been upgraded from her FAVOURAT ILLUSTRYATAH to ONE OF HAAAHR FAVORAT AWWWTHAS AND ONE OF THEEEE MYOST CREATIVE...CHILDRUNS...WROYTAHS? Such is the power of free stuff where Ruby's concerned.
She mentions that she's currently writing a letter to him, presumably to harass him for more freebies. However, when she shows the envelope, she appears to have used one that she's sealed, torn open, then sloppily resealed, so that won't impress ol' Chris. Did she mention that she's SOCH A PARFACKSHONIST?
Then Ruby yammers for the millionth time about how she has SYOO MANNIE ARRRGENT THINGS TYOO DOO after wasting half of her week on nonsense tasks and I got so bored I couldn't keep watching.
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