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"I'm not planning on making much study content anymore," Ruby says, having
just released another
crappy academic planner and now delaying her already-delayed Italy vlog in favour of
another study-related video about school preparedness even though she's a 22-year-old graduate now.
It's a bit like saying, "No more chocolate for me!" and then breaking into the Cadbury factory in the middle of the night to gorge on Creme Eggs and swim around in a vat of melted chocolate like Augustus
bleeping Gloop.
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Speaking of greedy little assholes, Ruby starts her video in her room, wearing her (unironed) PETA-branded t-shirt, even though she has NAVVER actively promoted the organisation and would NAVVER support them in any way, how DAHRRR YOU accuse her of SOCH THINGS!
Her desk is so poorly-suited to her daily purposes that she's had to shove her new iMac up against the wall to have even a modicum of usable space. This is the kind of situation that calls for things like, ohhh, I don't know...maybe an actual desk? Possibly a proper office chair with back support, not a child's chair from a Victorian primary school? Or, I don't know, maybe move into the house you bought for yourself?
In the meantime, Ruby - queen of planning and big-brain thinking - has opted to work on a desk with the depth of a postcard while sitting on a too-small stiff chair which has a personal vendetta against her vertebrae.
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Ruby scribbles all over her math homework (a subject she hasn't studied for several years) and announces that she's going to tell everyone her top tips for things to do before the school year finishes. And if your school year already finished, then you'll get ideas for things to do before next year starts. "But what if I just graduated?" you may ask.
A while back, Ruby made a whole video full of stupid and unhelpful things which you should do the night before school. But the night before simply isn't good enough any more. You need to plan for the next year before the current one has even finished, apparently, or your academic future will wither away faster than Ruby's rapidly-vanishing youth.
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"The
FARRST THING" to do is to apply liberal amounts of fake freckles all over your nose in an effort to look more child-like. This way, when you return to your old primary school next week/year at the age of 22 to try to blend in with the other students and repeat your education and avoid adulthood for 10 more years, it'll hopefully take the adults a precious few more seconds before they realise that you don't belong there.
Wait, that's
not the first thing? (Checks video.) Whoops, my bad -- the actual "FARSST THING" is somehow just as stupid.
Why not spend some time properly organising all your notes from the last year+?
BUT WAIT! DON'T JUST BURN ALL YOUR OLD NOTES THAT YOU'LL NEVER NEED AGAIN.
Ruby's right. Don't burn any single-use notes and documents. It's paper and card.
Recycle them.
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Wait, what's that, Ruby?
Don't recycle them? Oh. But what about sustainability and the environment...?
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Ruby would prefer you burn any notes you don't keep, but keep more than you burn. Don't just throw out all the notes that you'll definitely never need again! Who knows when you
might need them again?!
Ruby's right. I mean, you could be riding the bus to work and a crazed bomber gets on board and takes everyone hostage. He'll free everyone if you can just solve one tricky math equation! In impossible-to-foresee situations like those, you'll wish you had stacks of years-old algebra homework littering your work bag, which is possibly why Ruby still has math homework from 6 years ago readily accessible.
Sorry, did I say "riding the bus to work"? I'm sorry, I forgot that work and public transport don't exist in Ruby's world of sheltered privilege.
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NOMBAH TYOO: Why not spend some time properly organising all your notes from the last year+?
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(Checks notes.)
Yup, the first two items on Ruby's list are the same thing. Organise all the notes you want to keep and file them away. Anything "important" or that you "wahhrked really hard on". Like old algebra homework, apparently.
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Ruby says she keeps multiple lever-arch folders full of old notes. "One for A-Level, one for GCSE and one for
avverything befwore that." Ruby's really just keeping massive compendiums of her primary/junior school homework like a complete basket case.
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She says she's also kept her creative writing work from school, then cuts to this shot of the Dickens collection she stole from her parents and claimed as her own.
If Ruby were anything approaching a competent editor, I'd say this was an intentional shot to draw an unconscious visual link between Ruby's scribbled drivel fiction and the works of Charles Dickens. But since she's not, this appears to be a hilarious accident.
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And to prove her lack of editing skills, Ruby repeats some footage from earlier in the video of her assembling some weird, bulky ransom package to send to her future self.
NOMBAH THREE: Digitally scan anything which is "ASSPASSHALLY IMPWORETANT" for "NAXT YAHHR".
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Self-proclaimed master of planning and efficiency has a list of ways to make your academic life SYOOPAH-DYOOPAH ORGANISED! The first two are the same
bleeping thing, and the third one makes them completely redundant.
If you digitise your notes, then get rid of the original papers. Recycle it all. It's not important financial documents or the deed to a house. You don't need it. Sure, you might want a redundancy backup, but do that digitally, too. One on your PC, one in the cloud, one on a USB stick.
This:
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Versus this...
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But as always, Ruby's life is full of endless, redundant busywork and clutter and she has never once learned to work smart and efficiently or streamline any of these pointless, superfluous tasks.
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The editing incompetence continues, and alongside the familiar clipped sentences and garbled assembly of footage, there's a single-frame image of pale-faced, fake-freckled Ruby lurking amongst the B-roll footage at 03:06. It just pops up out of nowhere like a horror movie jump-scare from a film about a sinister, unhinged English girl who steals the lives and homework of those around her.
Ruby does not explain why you need to keep the original paperwork for old science classes from when you were 10 to begin with, but especially if you digitally backed them up.
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"NOMBAH FWORE: Myake a tyoo-dyoo list of all of your sommah hyomewahhrk and things."
Ruby writes yet more fictional school tasks as she dreams she's still in high school.
She segues into advertising her crappy planner and says this is exactly the kind of thing she used her own planner for! Only she didn't.
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"NOMBAH FOIYVE: Make a sommah bocket list."
Ruby's life is so stunted and sheltered that she has to go back years to find footage of anything resembling a summer activity that wasn't just her withering away in her bedroom.
She shows footage of some kind of cultish Midsommar-esque gathering of Tory Karens and their Stepford children which took place on the grounds of Ruby's family manor.
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And then she shows footage of Martha from years ago, long before her e-girl phase.
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And then a tiny snippet of her Italy trip, which we'll see all over again when she releases her Italy vlog in several months.
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And a shot of Ruby with Blakeney at the beach, because she's desperately clinging to the hope that Blakeney hasn't just moved on with her life to get a job and be an adult and is happily rid of Ruby the productivity parasite.
Ruby rambles about how she's more excited and "inventive" while she's studying and can come up with more ideas for her days off. Even though all her days off are spent doing the exact same things.
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"NOMBAH SYIX: REFLACKT ON YOUR ACADEMIC YEAR."
Ruby says you should REFLACKT on how you think the year went and what you should have done differently.
Oh,
duck off, Ruby.
Nobody needs to do this, much less at
bleeping GCSE or A-Level. If you did your best, that's all you need to do. Take on board any teacher feedback for next time and that's it. Don't spend all your free time thinking about school and college. It's not beneficial. It certainly never helped Ruby. She's never learned from her failures and never reflected on or grew as a person as a result of anything.
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"NOMBAH SAVVEN: You moight want tyoo nyote down your ideal morning and night routines for the naxt yahhr."
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Ideal night routine: Go to bed.
Ideal morning routing: Wake up after a decent night's sleep if you can get it.
Boom, done. Get enough sleep if you can. That's all you need to do. None of this superficial, affectatious
bull that Ruby concocts.
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"NOMBAH EIGHT: Wroyte a thankyou card to your teachahs!"
Ehh, sure, why not.
It's not exactly common to do in the UK after primary school (which is the mindset in which Ruby perpetually lives), but if your teacher worked hard and supported you, why not get them a card and/or a gift at the end of your/their time at school to say thankyou? It's not a requirement. They aren't going to be offended if you don't and they aren't going to grade you more generously if you do. But after that, leave them the
duck alone, Ruby.
Do not send them card after card after card and unsolicited gifts year after year, long after you've graduated from their school. They were hassled and harangued by your "DIDJOOKNYOW?!"
bull and had their time monopolised by you for your entire time there. They are not your friends or your peers and they are not on the hook to endure a lifetime of stalking from you just because they refrained from pointing out what a complete dunce you are. Give them some peace and quiet for the rest of their life, for god's sake.
But Ruby, if you really wanted to help teachers, you'd stop voting Tory and encourage others to do the same. A thankyou card won't get them better pay, funding and working conditions.
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22-year-old uni graduate Ruby then writes an imaginary card to Miss Honey, the teacher from Matilda, because she's beyond a joke at this point.
Ruby's apparently learned to spell the word "difficulty". One word down, the whole rest of the English language to go.
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"NOMBAH NOIYNE: Clean out your bag thoroughly."
The first sensible idea and it's something Ruby undoubtedly never does.
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It's also just an excuse to shoehorn in undeclared ads for gifted teas and snack bars and lie some more about how tidy and clean she is.
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She claims she disinfects her bag, cleans it inside and out and sprays it with "hyome spray". Yeah, not buying it, Ruby.
Martha, who Ruby has somehow talked into acting as camera operator, chimes in. "EXXXTRAAAAA!"
"VARRY ACKSTRA," Ruby says. But these are serious times and we can have no levity, so Ruby abruptly cuts away and Martha is not allowed to speak again.
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"NOMBAH TAN: Thryow away annie-thing that yoo dyon't need."
So...basically just Number 1/2 again.
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"NOMBAH ELAVVEN: CHACK THROUGH YORE SCHYOOL EMAILS AND MAKE SURE THARR AREN'T ANNIE LYOOSE ANDS YOO NYEED TO TOIY OP."
Did you get all your work in on time? Yes? Then who gives a
duck about your emails. If it's urgent, you'll hear about it, otherwise, enjoy the summer.
This list is also geared towards young children. They're not going to need to check a school email or "tie up any loose ends".
Ruby shows her screen and apparently very important to her is finding out how to accept all edits in Word, so that she can just go "YASS, YASS, CORRACKT ALL MOIY ARRORS ALREADY, I DYON'T WANT TO PRYOOFREAD IT MOIYSALF!" Also of vital news is that London plans to band fast foods from opening nears schools.
And she's been shopping for expensive Guess handbags and watching middle-school mean girl movies again, as she always seems to when it's time to write a book about bullies, having no actual experience with the topic herself.
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"NOMBAH TWALVE: Write summaries about the myost valuable and impworetant and intrassting things you learned this yaaahr, oiythah academically or about yoresalf."
So...reflect on your academic year? Hold up, let me check my notes again...
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Yep, this is just number
bleeping 6 again, Ruby! For the love of god, eat a
bleeping sandwich because your brain is utter mush and you should not be providing advice to anyone about anything.
It's also a completely useless piece of advice. If you learned something, then your brain is already aware of it. If you actually enjoyed it, then you're probably going to recall it. Nobody needs to write comprehensive list to remind themselves of all the things they learned and enjoyed to read at some point in the future, unless they have crippling amnesia.
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The visual symbolism is completely lost on Ruby...
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"NOMBA THAARTEEN: Make sure your school uniform is WASHED."
Ruby doesn't do laundry as an adult and never irons anything she wears (her PETA shirt has clearly just been pulled out of a laundry hamper and is completely creased and wrinkled), now she's stressing that children need to make sure they wash their uniform and PE kit and IRON IT.
If you're young enough to wear a school uniform, in all likelihood, your parents/guardian will be doing your laundry. You don't need to worry about this.
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Ruby's desperately trying to prove that she really does her own laundry though, JANUINELY! But since she never does, she just recycles that footage from a while back of her struggling to figure out how an iron works while mummy supervises in the background - the only footage that exists of her holding an iron, because she never uses one.
Meanwhile, everything she wore before this footage and after is creased beyond reason.
"OBVIOUSLY THAT'S VARRY SCHOOL-SPECIFIC AS WAL," Ruby notes. Because small children should definitely be using searing-hot irons.
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"NOMBAH FWORETEEN: Make sure you clean your wyaaahtuh bottuwww."
Ruby demonstrates how to do this, and as always with her horrifyingly inept attempts to try to prove she does housework, she just gives the outside of the container an awkward scrub and doesn't bother with the inside. No bacteria could possibly have gotten in there. And Ruby should know - after all, she "understands how the world works on a molecular level" because she studied science at A-level.
And apparently you only need to do this once a year, so bear that in mind, too.
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Ruby shows that the utterly destroyed chair, which she managed to somehow completely tear apart in one year just by sitting on it, is still taking up space in her room.
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NOMBAH FIFTEEN: Pack your school bag a year in advance.
"Your schyool bag is a good vassull fwore keeping avverything togather in one plyace."
If you're in school, you'll be taking a pen and a notepad. That's it. Do it the night before. And even if you forget those two things, you'll be provided them by the school anyway. So who gives a
tit? It's not complicated, much as Ruby would like to imply that your life will be ruined if you don't put a ballpoint pen in your bag months in advance.
This was just an excuse to pretend she uses her planner and takes it everywhere with her. Only...if you use that daily and expect others to, then why're you packing it away in a rucksack until next year, Ruby? Not exactly smart, is it?
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The stupidity continues unabated as Ruby stresses that this tip also applies to uni students too - "HAVE BIG BOXES, LIKE, BIG PLASTIC BOXES OR, LIKE, CYARDBOARD BOXES. THAN it's kind of RADDY TO GYO WHAN YOO WANT TO HAD BACK."
So Ruby believes that you should prepare for next year by cluttering up your room with the biggest, most monolithic boxes full of random
tit which you won't need for several months.
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NOMBAH SIXTEEN: "SAT GOALS FOR THE SOMMAH."
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This is number five again! Sweet Jesus, what a lazy, incompetent, puddle-minded fuckwit.
"We koind of write out own narratives onto things a lot of the toime, syo what
koind of sommah do you want to have? You could create a Pintrasst bwoard wi--with--wha--what--you-want to MANIFEST over the somma--[ABRUPT CUT]"
Ruby, this list is geared towards children. Most of the things are specific to primary/junior/high school level kids. 11-year-old kids are not going to have the option of backpacking through Europe and setting their own schedule of adventurous activities. They're not going to plan their summer to "MANIFEST" an idealised life and meet a superficial aesthetic like you do, nor should they.
Just switch off, enjoy summer, do whatever fun stuff you want and have the opportunity to do. But take academia and throw it out the
bleeping window and forget all about it unless you get massive enjoyment out of it. Ruby doesn't, and never has, so don't let her tell you that your summer should be "productive".
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Ruby shoves in some old footage of herself spending time with the young children of her parents' friends yet again, because that constitutes like 94% of her social interactions.
But Blakeney will always be her FRAND, JANUINELY! She might not be returning any of Ruby's calls, but that's probably just because she's VARRY BUSY writing lots of replies to the 1,450,643 unanswered letters that Ruby sent her.
Ruby closes out her latest showcase of stupidity, ineptitude and insanity with another reminder that the planner which nobody wants is on sale now. Don't all rush at once, people.
I actually remember Ruby saying that she didn't enjoy the Pippi Longstocking books. Didn't she give them a low Goodreads rating or something?
