Relationship Issues - HELP 😞

[Be More Pacific]

What a bizarre thread. If you weren't a VIP Tattler, I'd say it was all a complete wind up.

Not sure it's a great move getting involved with someone who's allegedly suicidal, even if you are desperate for a shag, would be my only comment.

 

[Penguinandthepinecone]

Erm, just to add that the morning after pill is not meant to be used as protection (you seem to imply that your chosen method of protection is going to be the morning after pill?!) You do need to use a Condom. You could literally catch a life-changing STD with a man that you barely know in your first shag in four years. This whole situation sounds bizarre to me. With regard to your ‘partner’, don’t you have any mutual couple friends, what do they think of this strange set-up? How old are your children? What do they think of their Dad and his weird living choices? Do you work? Does he work? I just cannot picture how this has gone-on for so long and you’re only just realising that you’v been manipulated into this controlling set-up where you (and your children) are just ‘kept’

 

[Scorpihoe]

This guy is honestly ridiculous, I don’t even have words. He cheated, he threatened to stop child maintenance…he moved out 4 years ago and barely sees his kids…

OP text him that it’s over and go fuck that other guy. Fuck him twice if you have to

 

[Very traditional]

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.



no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

I don't want to be harsh but it sounds like you're getting nothing from the relationship. You're living as a single woman, bringing up your children alone. I don't think your new friend is the one for you as he clearly has his own issues but I don't think anyone could judge you for meeting someone else given the circumstances

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’ve just sent a message saying my sex drive is very high I need to do something and his response “get your vibrator sort yourself out.”
Lovely.

I’m going to say this and please know im saying it with nothing but kindness…

stop.

stop flogging a dead horse. Stop forcing something that just isn’t going to happen. It shouldn’t be this difficult and if you are having to push this hard, it’s not working.
He has emotionally and physically walked out of not only your relationship but your family as a whole. It’s been years. He isn’t going to change - he doesn’t want to. I know this is hard to hear and I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to be with you, he’s out.

I know you love him. I know this is hard. But you cannot carry on like this. You need to be the one to just stop it. This is only going to chip away at your self confidence if you allow it to carry on. You deserve so much more than this. He isn’t worth it.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

yes I was 17.

Oh well, he’s blown up and decided to take me to family court

I can assure you of this - he won’t take you to court or any such thing. He’s full of shit. This is him trying to intimidate you.


ignore him. Please. Just ignore him. Don’t engage in any more conversation with him at all. Contact citizens advice tomorrow.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I thought this, was utterly convinced. But no just him and his mum.



no, there is a reason. I personally think it’s pathetic. When I was on the implant I had mood swings so would never live with me because of my moods

He lives with his mum…….

Dude. Why are you with him? Genuine question?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Good morning,
I’ve had such a week I don’t even know where to begin so please bare with me. I’m in a relationship with someone and have been for 12 years, I love him but he just doesn’t have any desire to have sex with me. All I get told is “one day... one day.” This one day has become four years.

Anyway long story cut short, I bumped into an old friend of many years on Wednesday and he has recently split up with his wife (she’s walked out on him and he’s struggling with depression and suicidal.) his work colleagues have been there for him and he arranged for us to go for a coffee soon. He asked for my number aa he doesn’t have FB and it’s rare I see him, anyway.

one thing had led to another, the compliments the wanting to be with me.... he is now asking for sex. I struggle with a very high sex drive but I’ve told him no, I can’t. I can’t do it to my partner of 12-years, but last night I had phone sex. It was the most excitement I’ve had in a long time and my god, I feel as guilty as hell.

I told my partner at 1am and he had basically begged me to not cheat. He said something along thelines of “even though I don’t tell you often I do love you. I wouldn’t cheat on you, please don’t do anything.” Then the messages came in saying we will have sex, what we have had was incredible etc etc. But come this morning, nothing.

Will therapy help? He has admitted he has gained a little weight but what we did have was unbelieveable. I had the implant and turned into a hormonal cow. Then lockdown happened, I miss him. Just need that connection with him.

do you think counselling could help? We have children and I just want to save what we have. We’ve had problems over the years but always worked through it, he cheated on me back in 2009, i forgave him. I feel so guilty about last night but couldn’t help it, heat of the moment.

So he had an affair in 2009, and now you’ve had phone sex with another man?

you haven’t had a sexual relationship with your partner for 4 years? What happened to cause that to end? Can your partner explain to you what he feels? has he completely gone off sex all together or does he look at porn or whatever? I think he needs to explore what has changed within himself first before anything else. Do you try to initiate sex? Or even any physical intimacy? Have you explained to him that you want him and that you miss the connection?


id cease all contact with the other man. It’s just complicating what is already a very entangled situation and no good can come from having this other guy on the side.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

he moved back to his mums 4 years ago.

He is very arrogant, stubborn and upfront. I’ve told him if he doesn’t wanna be with metell me and he said he’s happy. If I cheat he walks away.

I forgave him at the beginning but to be honest. It doesn’t look good for him does it?

You’re letting him have way too much power here. He had an affair, which you forgave, but if you do the same then he leaves? No sorry but that wouldn’t work for me. I’d tell him it’s over right now. Not a chance would I let a man have this much power over me.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

To add if i did it all child maintenance would stop also. That’s his threat.



No, he doesn’t ask how they are I have to tell him they’re okay. Or what they’ve been up to.

right.

this guy is not a parent. And he is not your partner. He sounds like a controlling, emotionally abusive piece of shit.

contact your local citizens advice office. Explain that he is threatening to withhold child support and his reasons. He cannot control you like this.The money can be claimed via the CSA and they will presume him.

I’m sorry but he shows no interest in you and no interest in his children. He doesn’t care about any of you. You need to wake up and see this for what it is.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Some men just go off having sex - as much as media and friends might like to tell us that is never the case, it is more common than people realise. Women too, but it happens with men a LOT. If your relationship ticks all the other boxes then maybe you need to engage in self-satisfaction to tick the intimacy box? I certainly wouldn't encourage an affair or leaving him if the relationship works in every other way.

Physical intimacy is a huge and integral part of many people’s relationships. If, as the OP as said, there is a healthy & fulfilling sex life which all of a sudden just stops then I’m sorry but there’s something causing that; im
not buying that men just “go off” sex like that. Or women actually. there will be a reason behind this. no one should feel they need to stay locked in a relationship that is missing such a huge part. Being physically intimate with your partner is a huge aspect of the relationship, regardless of how good anything else is.

 

[Begborrowsteal]

This is bonkers.

Hes a cunt and has just held you in this weird position whilst not actually bothering with you all. Its pointless. Its not a relationship of any kind. Having kids with someone doesnt mean you must keep trying.. especially when he isnt!

I wouldnt contact him again. I also wouldnt entertain this friend either, who is suicidal. Thats a dodgy path to go down when you're both in vulnerable places emotionally. Put you and your kids first. Get yourself a vibrator and dont be entertaining more fragile men when you need to sort your own head out first.

 

[Rippedjeanmaybe]

When did he move back to his mum’s?

so if you’ve been together 12 years, then he cheated on you right at the start of your relationship?

I don’t want to sound harsh, but I feel like this guy is just playing on your kindness and I feel like he has been doing it for a very long time. He’s been getting his cake and eating it too and you’ve been allowing it.

if he moved out because you were “moody” then not a chance would I have continued with the relationship, especially considering he’s left not only you, but also his children.

This seems a very odd set up to me and he clearly doesn’t want this relationship, but he is either too weak to tell you that or he wants to keep you right where he wants so that in case he changes his mind, he’s got you as a back up plan.

I would ditch him, go after this new guy and enjoy your life. Life is too short.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

he moved back to his mums 4 years ago.

He is very arrogant, stubborn and upfront. I’ve told him if he doesn’t wanna be with metell me and he said he’s happy. If I cheat he walks away.

I forgave him at the beginning but to be honest. It doesn’t look good for him does it?

He already has walked away. He is giving you nothing in this “relationship” - nothing. He pays for his kids - which is his obligation as a parent. You are getting nothing else from him. And sorry but he cheated on you in the past so how dare he have such a double standard!

This isn’t a relationship. He has fathered children with you, that’s it. He isn’t even bothering his arse to be a father and actually take care of his children.

he sounds like an absolute arsehole.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I’m going to speak to him later after I’ve put babies to bed. It isn’t just a quick five minute decision of “right that’s it he won’t give me what I want. I’m looking elsewhere.” Its absolutely not the case.

I have tried my absolute hardest to keep the family unit single handed. I didn’t want to look like a failure or be judged. He is not interested, he clearly couldn’t give a toss about me or them. He isn’t upfront and honest. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried to no avail.

Video calls he can’t wait to end, phone calls it’s all pure sarcasm. Okay somethings got to give.
My children are and always will be my number one priority. I’ve tried days out, he makes excuses or doesn’t turn up. I’ve suggested Wetherspoons and stood up.

I am too caring. I give too many chances. I’m the lowest of the low, because what ever I do try or attempt, it’s never good enough.

I put my hands up, thats it. I’m out.

Please know that YOU are not a failure. your view on this, on him, is so completely clouded and he’s really done a number on you.


let’s have it straight.

you are NOT in any kind of relationship with this man. He is not your partner, he is not your boyfriend. He very clearly is not interest nor involved in your life in anyway. years ago, he got you pregnant and you have children by him, but you are a single parent. He very clearly has absolutely no interest in his children, he doesn’t want to be involved with them in anyway and doesn’t care about them. He likes having control over you - not because he loves you or cares about you in any way, but because he’s a twisted sociopath who doesn’t want to be with you but enjoys knowing you can’t break free from him. This is psychological abuse.


my honest advice here is to completely cease all contact with him from right now- Contact the CSA tomorrow to enquire about child maintenance payments and start living your life completely without him.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

thank you xx



because I love him he gave me children.

None of it makes sense though.

you don’t sound like you even have any semblance of a relationship. You don’t live together, you haven’t seen him in months, you don’t have a sexual relationship…. I’m not seeing what exactly you are getting out of it?

 

[Very traditional]

thank you xx



because I love him he gave me children.

I do understand but you deserve so much more and so do your children. He seems to have completely checked out or your family life and somehow convinced you that it's your fault because you were moody.

 

[Be More Pacific]

See what today brings.

Well, according to you, it's bringing the allegedly suicidal one to fuck you senseless isn't it?

 

[HankMcPrank]

I’ve just sent a message saying my sex drive is very high I need to do something and his response “get your vibrator sort yourself out.”
Lovely.

 

[Mrs Cucumber]

If you don't live together and haven't has sex in 4 years that's not a relationship that's a friendship at that.
Be careful/mindful of bringing over men into your children's home to shag them.