Relationship help

[Mrs Cucumber]

If somebody couldn't/wouldn't accept my child or family then they would be shown the door!

 

[Oopsididitagainandagain]

I really don’t want to sound harsh, but the relationship sounds seriously flawed from the get go.
To me, it sounds like he can’t accept you have a daughter and he hasn’t got anyone, which is not right in a relationship. He needs to accept your past and your family life, as I’m sure you’d accept his in a heartbeat.
Has he got MH issues?

I 100% get you love him and have made him a part of your life, but if he can’t accept your family, you need to cut him loose and not waste any more time on a poor relationship when the love of your life is out there somewhere.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Sorry this is my partner, it’s a long story !

When I told him (my partner) she was pregnant he was livid, didn’t talk to me!

Omg, why are you still with him? Kick him out. Enjoy your life, spend time with your daughter she will need you more than ever and enjoy your gran baby once they arrive.

You've been posting about how shit he is for 4 years?? I cannot understand why he's not living in his mums spare room at this point. Where did he live before he moved in with you and your daughter moved out?!

 

[Rocknrolla]

Could he be on the spectrum somewhere? Not wanting to meeting new people, not aware of others feelings and not good with emotions are all traits

 

[Frenchie]

Just wanted some other people’s views as I’ve no one to talk to , I’ve been with my partner 2 years, he has no children, when we met he never wanted to meet my daughter she’s 20, didn’t want to come round etc (she’s since moved out into her own place)
He’s a bit of a quiet one only his mum and brother in his little circle, he’s never wanted to go to parties/bbq/ or meet my family, in fact he’s only met my parents and brother and one friend (I’ve a big family)
Just lately we’ve been arguing , take yesterday, my daughter works long hours I was passing hers and brought some of her washing home, she’s in a flat so no drying place, I’m still not working so time on my hands (that’s another thing we row about) he says to me, why are you doing it what about the electric
It’s like it’s just him and his family and mine doesn’t matter, in fact when we met he said it’s just us, no mention of my daughter, I don’t even know if this makes any sence just needed to sound off .

 

[Candleshoe]

Leave him now before you waste anymore or your precious life with him.
You could meet someone really lovely and outgoing who will include your daughter and meet your family.
Think of the lovely family things you could be doing, holidays you could go on.
It sounds to me like this man is trying to isolate you.
I certainly wouldn't have a baby with him, you will be trapped then and tied to him forever.

 

[Mrspowell]

Just wanted some other people’s views as I’ve no one to talk to , I’ve been with my partner 2 years, he has no children, when we met he never wanted to meet my daughter she’s 20, didn’t want to come round etc (she’s since moved out into her own place)
He’s a bit of a quiet one only his mum and brother in his little circle, he’s never wanted to go to parties/bbq/ or meet my family, in fact he’s only met my parents and brother and one friend (I’ve a big family)
Just lately we’ve been arguing , take yesterday, my daughter works long hours I was passing hers and brought some of her washing home, she’s in a flat so no drying place, I’m still not working so time on my hands (that’s another thing we row about) he says to me, why are you doing it what about the electric
It’s like it’s just him and his family and mine doesn’t matter, in fact when we met he said it’s just us, no mention of my daughter, I don’t even know if this makes any sence just needed to sound off .

I’m really sorry to sound harsh. But I think it needs to be said. How can you begin a relationship with a man who wants nothing to do with your daughter and never has? That must be very hurtful to your daughter. He needs a tough talk that the love and responsibility doesn’t go away when a child becomes an adult. Why wouldn’t you help your daughter out with washing etc, your her mum. Personally I’d be saying to him he either accepts the relationship with your daughter, your not asking him to be a step father but he has to be respectful of your relationship with her, or he needs to leave. Sorry to be blunt. Wish you all the best x
Perhaps you should also look into route cause of why he doesn’t want to acknowledge her. Is it anxiety? Etc?

 

[Motherpuffin]

Sorry a lurker here but I had to reply. Please leave him I’m the daughter of someone who was married to a narcissist with no social skills who isolated our mum and made us feel very unwanted. He was friendly enough infront of our mum but a total shitbag when it was just us and made it very clear our mum was ‘his’. It became abusive and we had to help our mum leave him and thank fuck she did. Please protect your relationship with your daughter it should be the priority.

 

[Moe]

This must be so hard for your daughter. She was only eighteen when you got together so no wonder she moved out. I bet your mother and daughter have both got the measure of him.
I feel sorry for you that you are caught in the middle but it’s your own making. I would rather be on my own than sacrifice my family.
This may sound hard and not what you want to hear. I wish you all the best.

 

[Blessed]

It seems he is jealous of the relationship you have with your daughter and if you both have children, he may restrict you from seeing your daughter since she isn’t part of the “nuclear” family you have with him.

Also, he does sound a bit insecure. Any plan on having your own house since he feels your current place doesn’t feel like his, which is understandable.

You need to be sure, you want a future with him, where your mother and daughter can be part of your lives without you watching the time (which is very unhealthy and controlling on his part). You want a partner who can accept your family as you have accepted his.

Also find out what you mum and daughter truly thinks of him because just from what you have written here, he is not worth the hassle.

What will be your advice to your daughter if she was with someone exactly like your partner and she has to watch the time when you visit?

 

[Candleshoe]

How are you still with this moron???

 

[SansaStark]

That sounds really tough Frenchie

do you live together? it’s strange he doesn’t want to meet the people who are really important to you esp your daughter!

I don’t really have any advise to offer but do you see yourself being with him for the long run?

 

[Candleshoe]

Usually when you’re unsure about someone there’s a reason why, and 98% of the time that reason won’t change. This is a bit dramatic but it’s how I reason things myself sometimes- imagine god forbid something happened to one of your close family members, would you regret not spending as much time with them or that the time you have spent was dictated/tainted by someone else? A partner should add to your life not take away x

Exactly this! You should be living your best life, not being miserable because of him.
If things were as they should be you wouldn't be on here asking us for advice.
Kick him out and get happy without him.

 

[Raininvain]

Your right, he’s said tonight he wants his own family, it’s nothing to do with my daughter, he needs to decide what he should do

I think its You that needs to kick him out not him deciding anything. You deserve so much better, hope you gain the strength from somewhere to tell him to fuck off.

 

[Tiktoklurker]

I think this is what he is, a narcissist , I’ve been doing my research and he has all the traits
things are getting tough again, I’ve been quite poorly and he’s shown no empathy to me, he’s also started to be …..look at me, I’m good, I’m the best etc, it’s very draining and I’m at a loss what to do.

Hi Frenchie,
Two years ago you said the exact same thing “I’m at a loss what to do.”
I think you know what you should do. Leave him girl. You’re better off without - hope you get better soon xx

 

[cedarpeach]

“He doesn’t care if I’m upset” really jumped out as a red flag. My ex was abusive but it started off very subtle and I dismissed his cold, callousness as him being “stoic” and “set in his ways”.

just please be careful and don’t miss any potential warning signs. If you find yourself trying to understand or explain behaviour that makes you sad, hurt or uncomfortable then you’re on a slippery slope. If your partner can’t or won’t make an effort to understand you then why bother with the relationship?
Good luck

 

[LittleMy]

If somebody couldn't/wouldn't accept my child or family then they would be shown the door!

I quite agree. I would be putting my foot down at being told my own child (no matter how grown) has to leave at a certain time etc. My children will always be welcome in my home. You say he could potentially be on the spectrum, but how do you know he’s not just using that as an excuse to get his way? Autism is more than being antisocial. If he doesn’t care when you’re upset then what’s the point? A relationship has to be equal and it sounds like it has to be on his terms. He comes across very controlling in a very under-handed way, that’s a big red flag in my opinion. I hope you make the right decision for you OP.

 

[CherryAcid]

This sounds awful, im sorry you are going through this.
A couple of years ago my friend ended a 10 year relationship with someone similar. He had all the same traits as your bf and it just got worse. He would monitor how long her and her daughter showered, only allowd the washing machine to run once a week and only two loads etc etc. My friend was a shell of her former self, she felt she had to try to fix him as he had a traumatic childhood with harldy no family left and stuff. I never liked how he treated her daughter, he wasnt so much mean but there was an undertone to the things he said to her. Anyway when she left him(she eventually had a child with him) her daughter cried with happiness as she hadnt liked him all these years and how he made her feel.

Basically i think life is too short to spend time in an unhappy relationship, i know opposites attract but you shouldnt have to change everything about yourself to suit him. The fact he told you at the start of the relationship makes me think hes going to only get worse as time goes on.

 

[Candleshoe]

Thank you so much for your post, I’m sorry you’ve gone through it, I really don’t know what to say I’m at a loss what to think and do xx

I think you know what you need to do.
Are you scared of being alone and perhaps think being with him is better than being with no one?
If your daughter were in this situation what advice would you give her?
I wouldnt waste another second of my precious time on this man child.
Life is short believe me, don't spend it being unhappy.

 

[Interestingbitsnbats]

i dont want to be very negative but withiut a marriage contract this js a total minefield... my friend who is a family lawyer spends a lot of time on this and has always insisted that none of her friends ever buy somewhere without being married first as a lot of it without that contract can just come down to how good your lawyer is... my advice is the best lawyer you can get

Thats what I was thinking sick of having big arguments then going back to like it never happened because I know I would be bloody soul destroying to do but either way I'm screwed living with a partner that takes piss never do anything together etc or fighting to get my investment back he didn't pay the deposit my dad gifted me it. Partner put nothing in i paid legal fees etc he just pay half of bills and mortgage but he wants half of everything