New baby and post birth advice #45 Tell her you’re trying to stretch her out & she will get it in an hour

[WhatABore]

Does anyone struggle with resentment towards their partner?
I feel jealous that he can swan off for an hour or 2 nearly everyday for a run & doesn’t do washing or clean the baby bottles/any cleaning.
I have made it clear I don’t mind doing those and the deal is that he cooks, however most nights at the moment we’re eating freezer food / ready meals, so it feels like I’m not getting anything in ‘return’.
I know it’s give & take but I feel like I’m doing everything atm.
He even made a fuss about me saying when he goes back to work can he make sure if I’ve forgotten to make myself lunch the night before to quickly do me a sandwich before he logs on for work (in case I want to just get out the house & to ensure I’m looking after myself!!) but apparently even that is too much.

Baby is only 4 weeks old today, the first week he did everything (I had a section and was trying to get into a rhythm with pumping) and he makes such a song & dance about how he did everything that first week whenever I say anything.
I’ve said all of this to him before but nothing changes and I’m not sure if it’s my hormones but I really question if he’s the person for me now.
When we’re good we’re great yet when I feel like I’m giving 100% whilst still recovering and caring for a newborn and cleaning up after him 24/7 and he can take himself for a half hour shower or go for a run without a second thought it’s so bleeping exhausting.
And he has such a complex about making sure we each do “our turn” of feeding. I wanted to go out for a bit the other morning and he said “ok when you get back you can do 2 feeds in a row since I’ll have to do yours” I told him don’t worry I’ll do all of them going forward if he didn’t want to feed him!!!

I don’t even know what I’m looking for but needed to get it off my chest!!

I dont have much advice but I can only reassure that you're not alone!
I would say a good percentage of relationships end up like this after having a baby.
You become the main parent.
My oldest is 10, we've got a 5 year old and 2 year old too and it's always been this way.

Even for example, even on his days off, I'm the one responsible for making sure the kids are up in time for school, getting them ready for school, making sure the 10 year olds lunch is packed. Making sure their homework is done/reading is done.
In 10 years, he's never done any homework with the kids. It doesn't even cross his mind.

He will often say "Well I do this this and this"
But forgets all the things I do. He thinks he does loads.
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Can't edit but just realised I said he hasn't done any homework in 10 years when obviously he hasn't been at school for 10 years
You know what I meant haha

 

[Ro98]

@Ro98 have you tried to do things for yourself? Like can you say to him "I'm going for a nice shower now", or take yourself off for an hour? In my (limited) experience, he'll do what I ask but won't necessarily see things to do be done in relation to the baby.

Yeah I do, although only once so far to get my nails done & give myself a home pedicure. That’s what I’m always doing- asking him to do things but I’m finding it so draining like a broken record every week do XYZ. How can some people not just *know/see* what needs doing

 

[Nosysamsie]

Does anyone struggle with resentment towards their partner?
I feel jealous that he can swan off for an hour or 2 nearly everyday for a run & doesn’t do washing or clean the baby bottles/any cleaning.
I have made it clear I don’t mind doing those and the deal is that he cooks, however most nights at the moment we’re eating freezer food / ready meals, so it feels like I’m not getting anything in ‘return’.
I know it’s give & take but I feel like I’m doing everything atm.
He even made a fuss about me saying when he goes back to work can he make sure if I’ve forgotten to make myself lunch the night before to quickly do me a sandwich before he logs on for work (in case I want to just get out the house & to ensure I’m looking after myself!!) but apparently even that is too much.

Baby is only 4 weeks old today, the first week he did everything (I had a section and was trying to get into a rhythm with pumping) and he makes such a song & dance about how he did everything that first week whenever I say anything.
I’ve said all of this to him before but nothing changes and I’m not sure if it’s my hormones but I really question if he’s the person for me now.
When we’re good we’re great yet when I feel like I’m giving 100% whilst still recovering and caring for a newborn and cleaning up after him 24/7 and he can take himself for a half hour shower or go for a run without a second thought it’s so bleeping exhausting.
And he has such a complex about making sure we each do “our turn” of feeding. I wanted to go out for a bit the other morning and he said “ok when you get back you can do 2 feeds in a row since I’ll have to do yours” I told him don’t worry I’ll do all of them going forward if he didn’t want to feed him!!!

I don’t even know what I’m looking for but needed to get it off my chest!!

This was happening in my house. I actually told my hubby i resented him the other week outright. I was exhausted, had done all the night feeds all week, cooked meals all week and kept on top of the housework, yet he went to work and as soon as he got in he had a nap.
We've had to sit and make a plan of action, which includes me having some time for myself. So tonight for example, he's cooking tea and then he is gonna take baba so I can have a bath. In return I'll do the night feeds tonight. Tomorrow he gets a nap when he gets in from work but he does the night feeds.
We now work on a give and take system.
Find something that works for you both and stick with it. And as for turns, there is no such thing when caring for a baba, make sure he knows that

 

[Ro98]

I dont have much advice but I can only reassure that you're not alone!
I would say a good percentage of relationships end up like this after having a baby.
You become the main parent.
My oldest is 10, we've got a 5 year old and 2 year old too and it's always been this way.

Even for example, even on his days off, I'm the one responsible for making sure the kids are up in time for school, getting them ready for school, making sure the 10 year olds lunch is packed. Making sure their homework is done/reading is done.
In 10 years, he's never done any homework with the kids. It doesn't even cross his mind.

He will often say "Well I do this this and this"
But forgets all the things I do. He thinks he does loads.
---
__

Can't edit but just realised I said he hasn't done any homework in 10 years when obviously he hasn't been at school for 10 years
You know what I meant haha

Glad to know I’m not the only one! I did think there must always be that 1 parent who does everything and the other almost lives in denial about how much they do I hope to god he helps with homework as I’m not sure my maths would be of much use looking at what kids study now

I feel so much better even just typing it on here. He isn’t a horrible person but I think unaware of how much I actually do and have done even when working & studying at uni at the same time in previous years.

And I know it’s hard for him knowing I’ll be staying at home with him for the next 2 years at least, as he would love that, but financially he takes home more so I am sacrificing my career to raise him. Which I’m happy to do and have been looking forward fobut he doesn’t see that side to it and just sees the “you’ll be out doing fun stuff with him” side.
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This was happening in my house. I actually told my hubby i resented him the other week outright. I was exhausted, had done all the night feeds all week, cooked meals all week and kept on top of the housework, yet he went to work and as soon as he got in he had a nap.
We've had to sit and make a plan of action, which includes me having some time for myself. So tonight for example, he's cooking tea and then he is gonna take baba so I can have a bath. In return I'll do the night feeds tonight. Tomorrow he gets a nap when he gets in from work but he does the night feeds.
We now work on a give and take system.
Find something that works for you both and stick with it. And as for turns, there is no such thing when caring for a baba, make sure he knows that

I’m glad you’ve managed to sort something that works for you both!
If baby doesn’t stay asleep is it the person who does the night feeds that stays up? We’re currently doing 1 of us on night feeds then the next day sleep but I feel like it could be better with deciding who stays up in the night if baby doesn’t sleep as it’s currently always me.

I need to get better at switching off & having a nap as he will forget about everything then go and nap leaving me with no clean bottles, a hungry baby, no lunch, wet washing to hang out etc yet I’d never do that Maybe I need to be an asshole some days but I feel bad when nothing is organised

 

[Nosysamsie]

Glad to know I’m not the only one! I did think there must always be that 1 parent who does everything and the other almost lives in denial about how much they do I hope to god he helps with homework as I’m not sure my maths would be of much use looking at what kids study now

I feel so much better even just typing it on here. He isn’t a horrible person but I think unaware of how much I actually do and have done even when working & studying at uni at the same time in previous years.

And I know it’s hard for him knowing I’ll be staying at home with him for the next 2 years at least, as he would love that, but financially he takes home more so I am sacrificing my career to raise him. Which I’m happy to do and have been looking forward fobut he doesn’t see that side to it and just sees the “you’ll be out doing fun stuff with him” side.
---

I’m glad you’ve managed to sort something that works for you both!
If baby doesn’t stay asleep is it the person who does the night feeds that stays up? We’re currently doing 1 of us on night feeds then the next day sleep but I feel like it could be better with deciding who stays up in the night if baby doesn’t sleep as it’s currently always me.

I need to get better at switching off & having a nap as he will forget about everything then go and nap leaving me with no clean bottles, a hungry baby, no lunch, wet washing to hang out etc yet I’d never do that Maybe I need to be an asshole some days but I feel bad when nothing is organised

At the moment hubby does the feeds but when he is at work it tends to be me thay stays awake with little one when she doesn't sleep. But again we've discussed that because little ones newest trick is to settle to sleep during the feed and then wake up once she's been put down and the person who has fed her is in bed.
We've also started making a list of housework that needs doing and we work between us to get it done. My OH is very visual, so needs a list to know what needs doing or his idea of housework is washing plates and vacuuming the living room and the odd load of washing.

 

[WeepingCassandra]

@Ro98 I straight up told mine that if I didn’t get some time to myself I’d just walk out because I find it massively overwhelming to have a little person completely dependent on me at all times. We sat down and spoke about it and agreed that he’d try and do his runs in the morning whilst me and LO are still asleep and I’ll go to the gym at least three times a week (until I can run again - then it’ll be a little easier as I’ll be out for less time, the gym is an hour and a half long trip if not more with travelling). Super important to both of us to maintain (or in my case, rebuild, hah) our fitness and its an easy thing for us to fit in.

I still have to tell him to just go ahead and do things though, yesterday he dithered about for ten minutes trying to decide if LO wanted a bottle and in the end I just shouted at him to give him it

 

[Tifastrife]

Does anyone struggle with resentment towards their partner?
I feel jealous that he can swan off for an hour or 2 nearly everyday for a run & doesn’t do washing or clean the baby bottles/any cleaning.
I have made it clear I don’t mind doing those and the deal is that he cooks, however most nights at the moment we’re eating freezer food / ready meals, so it feels like I’m not getting anything in ‘return’.
I know it’s give & take but I feel like I’m doing everything atm.
He even made a fuss about me saying when he goes back to work can he make sure if I’ve forgotten to make myself lunch the night before to quickly do me a sandwich before he logs on for work (in case I want to just get out the house & to ensure I’m looking after myself!!) but apparently even that is too much.

Baby is only 4 weeks old today, the first week he did everything (I had a section and was trying to get into a rhythm with pumping) and he makes such a song & dance about how he did everything that first week whenever I say anything.
I’ve said all of this to him before but nothing changes and I’m not sure if it’s my hormones but I really question if he’s the person for me now.
When we’re good we’re great yet when I feel like I’m giving 100% whilst still recovering and caring for a newborn and cleaning up after him 24/7 and he can take himself for a half hour shower or go for a run without a second thought it’s so bleeping exhausting.
And he has such a complex about making sure we each do “our turn” of feeding. I wanted to go out for a bit the other morning and he said “ok when you get back you can do 2 feeds in a row since I’ll have to do yours” I told him don’t worry I’ll do all of them going forward if he didn’t want to feed him!!!

I don’t even know what I’m looking for but needed to get it off my chest!!

I felt a bit of resentment the other day. My partner has been great but he’s also still able to do the things he loves. He’s a big gamer and he’s still finding time everyday to game with his friends and I was say there the other day listening to him on headset, baby on my chest trying to watch tv but even that was too much I couldn’t take any of it in and I just got so annoyed. He’s able to still function and I can’t even watch shite reality tv cos my brains too fried . I also get annoyed that I have to get up and pump during the night but obviously not much he can do about that

 

[WeepingCassandra]

Childcare has come up in our NCT group tonight and I’m now in an anxiety hole because there’s so little in our area, let alone anything that’s remotely affordable and because I work for the NHS I’d have to pay back a lump sum of around £5k if I can’t get anything for him people are being told there’s nothing until September next year!

 

[Sky Sports Main Event]

Childcare has come up in our NCT group tonight and I’m now in an anxiety hole because there’s so little in our area, let alone anything that’s remotely affordable and because I work for the NHS I’d have to pay back a lump sum of around £5k if I can’t get anything for him people are being told there’s nothing until September next year!

I'm in Ireland and it's the same here. Very few places take them under 1 year of age which means unpaid leave, very tough going! I put baby's name down when I was pregnant, still wasn't guaranteed a place. It's very stressful, it feels like such a catch 22 situation. Cost of living crisis so must work, can't work because can't get childcare and baby is still under 1, childcare is expensive so taking a portion of wages, and repeat! The childcare staff are getting paid luttle, I feel bad leaving the baby, I don't want to work but need the money..... There are no winners.

Side note, what does NCT group mean? Have seen it mentioned a few times here

 

[juy7nhio]

Why do people stay with men like these?

Why put up with it and have MORE kids with them?

 

[Rxt156]

Does anyone struggle with resentment towards their partner?
I feel jealous that he can swan off for an hour or 2 nearly everyday for a run & doesn’t do washing or clean the baby bottles/any cleaning.
I have made it clear I don’t mind doing those and the deal is that he cooks, however most nights at the moment we’re eating freezer food / ready meals, so it feels like I’m not getting anything in ‘return’.
I know it’s give & take but I feel like I’m doing everything atm.
He even made a fuss about me saying when he goes back to work can he make sure if I’ve forgotten to make myself lunch the night before to quickly do me a sandwich before he logs on for work (in case I want to just get out the house & to ensure I’m looking after myself!!) but apparently even that is too much.

Baby is only 4 weeks old today, the first week he did everything (I had a section and was trying to get into a rhythm with pumping) and he makes such a song & dance about how he did everything that first week whenever I say anything.
I’ve said all of this to him before but nothing changes and I’m not sure if it’s my hormones but I really question if he’s the person for me now.
When we’re good we’re great yet when I feel like I’m giving 100% whilst still recovering and caring for a newborn and cleaning up after him 24/7 and he can take himself for a half hour shower or go for a run without a second thought it’s so bleeping exhausting.
And he has such a complex about making sure we each do “our turn” of feeding. I wanted to go out for a bit the other morning and he said “ok when you get back you can do 2 feeds in a row since I’ll have to do yours” I told him don’t worry I’ll do all of them going forward if he didn’t want to feed him!!!

I don’t even know what I’m looking for but needed to get it off my chest!!

Although my son is now 14 months old I still feel this massively. I can’t even take a dump without making childcare plans yet he can do whatever he likes for hours at a time. I started long ago making it known how much I do (particularly what I do when he swans off doing as he pleases) and we now make sure that it’s fair so I have baby free time to do anything as well. It has taken a long time to get to this point. I think men are programmed to not understand anything about how women feel . Definitely tell him. My husband was shocked when I said I resent him. Tbf it is a bit better than it was but still not like it was before. I’m hoping for improvements as little one gets older. Good luck
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Why do people stay with men like these?

Why put up with it and have MORE kids with them?

Tbf this is an unhelpful comment . People here already have babies with their partner by the time they realise how useless they are when there’s a baby around.
Most men are like this. We can’t just up and leave coz he won’t vacuum or he goes to the gym too much.

 

[Ro98]

Why do people stay with men like these?

Why put up with it and have MORE kids with them?

If you read my comment and previous comments about him & comments I’ve posted since he isn’t a horrible person. He is an incredibly kind hardworking individual.
Moments of stress, sleep deprivation & differences in abilities are challenging. This is an outlet to vent and share challenges in life.
This is our first child.
Take your rude judgemental self elsewhere
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Although my son is now 14 months old I still feel this massively. I can’t even take a dump without making childcare plans yet he can do whatever he likes for hours at a time. I started long ago making it known how much I do (particularly what I do when he swans off doing as he pleases) and we now make sure that it’s fair so I have baby free time to do anything as well. It has taken a long time to get to this point. I think men are programmed to not understand anything about how women feel . Definitely tell him. My husband was shocked when I said I resent him. Tbf it is a bit better than it was but still not like it was before. I’m hoping for improvements as little one gets older. Good luck
---

Tbf this is an unhelpful comment . People here already have babies with their partner by the time they realise how useless they are when there’s a baby around.
Most men are like this. We can’t just up and leave coz he won’t vacuum or he goes to the gym too much.

We had a chat and have got a plan of action in place, and I think it’s genuinely some people aren’t aware of certain things. I think the word resentment really hits them hard so they understand Yes it’s the time scale of things that bother me not what is being done, I’d love to sit & relax watching tv but find it hard to do unless baby is soundly asleep with him. It’s such early days with a newborn so I’m hoping it’s just us finding our feet!
This is the thing I’ve dated some major tit heads in my time and he’s definitely not one. But I do however have a low tolerance for stuff when I’m hardly sleeping and still doing everything as normal!

 

[Sky Sports Main Event]

We need a new thread. Any title suggestions?

 

[Hunthehun]

Side note, what does NCT group mean? Have seen it mentioned a few times here

So glad you asked this I feel like they’re all heading off with their babies to get their cars checked

 

[WeHadFunRight]

.

So glad you asked this I feel like they’re all heading off with their babies to get their cars checked

@Sky Sports Main Event

national childbirth trust

they run antenatal courses that cost an absolute fortune and you do then with a group of other expectant parents

 

[Hunthehun]

.

@Sky Sports Main Event

national childbirth trust

they run antenatal courses that cost an absolute fortune and you do then with a group of other expectant parents

In Ireland the NCT is the national car test so the equivalent of the MOT! I was always so confused but it gave me a giggle everytime someone posted it

 

[WhatABore]

Why do people stay with men like these?

Why put up with it and have MORE kids with them?

Because majority of the time, you don't know until you have a child with them, I don't know many women that don't become the default parent, in fact, I don't know any

I'm also, personally, not going to leave my partner on the basis that he needs to be told to do things.
You're hearing 1 side of things and not the rest of the relationships. Doesn't mean they're bad people.
And I'd rather complain about this than my children grow up with separated parents, because we're not unhappy and love each other

It's not just about you once you've got a child.

 

[WotsitG1]

Baby wotsit last few days after a couple of his bottles has projectiled it back up….. had a fair few more than normal dirty nappies yesterday….
Some feeds he will take one sip and scream!
Not sure if this is normal…. Has health care worker yesterday and she just said keep an eye on it all!
Any experience of advice?

 

[WeepingCassandra]

Because majority of the time, you don't know until you have a child with them, I don't know many women that don't become the default parent, in fact, I don't know any

I'm also, personally, not going to leave my partner on the basis that he needs to be told to do things.
You're hearing 1 side of things and not the rest of the relationships. Doesn't mean they're bad people.
And I'd rather complain about this than my children grow up with separated parents, because we're not unhappy and love each other

It's not just about you once you've got a child.

I’m not trying to boast but for all his failings my OH is pretty bleeping awesome, he’s kind, gentle, caring and has endless amounts of love for me and our LO. Always makes me laugh and we rarely ever actually fight. He’s my best friend and just because he has to ask multiple times how many scoops of formula to put in a bottle despite it 1) being on the box and 2) him making the majority of the bottles since we’ve started using them isn’t a reason for divorce IMO

 

[WhatABore]

I’m not trying to boast but for all his failings my OH is pretty bleeping awesome, he’s kind, gentle, caring and has endless amounts of love for me and our LO. Always makes me laugh and we rarely ever actually fight. He’s my best friend and just because he has to ask multiple times how many scoops of formula to put in a bottle despite it 1) being on the box and 2) him making the majority of the bottles since we’ve started using them isn’t a reason for divorce IMO

Exactly
You said it better than I did haha