Neighbour’s annoying kid - help!

[Motherofboys]

I have 2 "special" kids (not being sarky, rude or anything but it's easier to say that!) And I think you need to have a chat with the parents. Mine wouldn't be allowed to run around out the front on there own and get up to any of that! 1. They're very impressionable and could be in some serious danger! 2. They're special yes. They have autism. They have also been brought up like their older brother so have manners rammed down their throats constantly!!! 3. Social stories work well with mine so I would explain to them their actions. 4. Some, not all, parents think that being special gives their kids free reign to be naughty. I can name at least 10 different families at my kids school of being like this!!!

I'd be mortified if I found out mine had been so intrusive! And they'd also get a telling off as well as detailed explanations about their behaviours.

Not sure if this comes across how I want it to! But go speak to the parents! Give them a chance to sort it. A clear short sharp "no" to the child in future should work. No explanations. Just no. I've had to do it multiple times this weekend alone!!

 

[Mycuppatea]

This is a bit heavy but I've been rereading and thinking about it and feel like I should say that this sounds more serious than just a "naughty kid". It sounds like a child who needs help.

My kids are adopted and have trauma but I know that their needs are my business to meet and if I can't meet their needs (including their need to be safe and not exposed to risk) I need to get support from family or post-adoption team.

He shouldn't be alone because he is what 9 now and his behaviour shows lack of boundaries that put him at horrible risk of injury or abuse. I would never allow my kids to wander the neighbourhood when they were younger - not so much to spare the neighbours but for their own protection.

Children with trauma in their past often need lots more scaffolding and safeguarding, and if the parents are overwhelmed and either letting him do whatever he wants or shouting at him, they need more support from their social workers who absolutely would want to know that the family need more input. It sounds like this is not just a "stuff got out of hand in lockdown for a few days" but an ongoing, longstanding situation of a year+ where they aren't able to cope so let him wander. This is not safe. It sounds like they're desperate and have accepted bonkers behaviour of letting him roam because they can't manage him. That really is not a safe, normal or appropriate way to handle things.

Honestly I would consider calling social services. Not to grass them up but to get them support which they might not even fully realise they need if they're heads down in the trenches with multiple children with multiple needs. Whether he's adopted or not, the social workers wont be interested in removing him but in ensuring his safety. A child of his age with his issues is not safe being allowed to wander into people's property and go up to strangers. You're obviously nice and caring. The next person to move in might be a paedophile or he could end up locked in a car or knocked off his bike.

 

[DevaVictrix]

The child isn’t being a “brat.” He has additional needs as the OP has stated and perhaps has very little control over those behaviours. His parents should be supervising him when outside making sure he isn’t getting into trouble or even danger, that’s not his fault. I’m in no way excusing it as the OP deserves to have peace in their own home, but calling the child that only further stigmatises those with hidden disabilities (of which ADHD and autism both are).

Society can’t always blame bad behaviour on additional needs! We seem to be surrounded nowadays with kids that are labelled with additional special needs, why is that?? I went to a primary school of nearly 900 pupils, for 7 years, and in all that time there were about 5 pupils with additional needs. My friend teaches in a small country primary school today and she is amazed at how many kids have ‘diagnoses’. Some of these children are so bad, they have kicked her legs, bitten her, and called her stupid. Come parent-teacher evenings, when she raised this bad behaviour, some of these parents replied and said it wasn’t their problem how their kids got on in school. Absolute disgrace. I think many parents are happy to use these ‘additional needs’ labels to just let their kids run about and do whatever they want.
The length of time this has gone on, it is clear to see this child knows what he is doing.

 

[BettyCrocker]

Thank you all for the advice! <3 I think speaking to the parents about the doorbell ringing is something I’ll have to do bc that really is crossing a line IMO. He’s woken me up twice doing it.

The car thing is a bit more tricky cos he does it with a lot of ppl so I don’t want to be the one that complains.



I’ve tried this It’s locked as I drive in and when I stop, he immediately tries to open the door and knocks on the window. I have to get out to disable my alarm before I can open the garage so that’s when all the nonsense with the boot and keys happens. I’m also very aware that his parents might hear me so I have to be careful that I’m not coming across harsh. But I think I will have to be more firm and just tell him to get off my drive. His mum is aware and has told him off about it before.

Sorry but I think I’d have lost my patience and given the kid a firm bollocking by now. Stop pussyfooting around the parents. Tell the kid off and then tell the parents that it’s beyond a joke, it’s bothering you and it’s unsafe for him to be hanging around the car when you’re trying to get parked. You don’t have to put up with it!

 

[AmberSpyglass]

Just bringing this back with an update cos I’m at the end of my tether.
The kid is now diagnosed with ADHD and autism. He’s also got issues due to trauma.

But he started staring though my window at me so often that I now have to keep the blinds permanently half shut. Since I closed them he now rings my doorbell every day. Usually while I’m working. I just ignore him cos I don’t want to reward him with attention. But I have told him off for both things before.

I need to tell his parents but I don’t know how to approach it. Any tips?

This sounds awful, enough is enough.

Tell his parents that you hoped the issue might resolve itself but the situation has now become untenable and you need them to take control of their Son.

He is disrupting your day to day life, don’t feel awkward and be very firm that his actions are causing you anxiety and are anti social.

 

[LittleMy]

As the parent of an autistic 4 year old who often struggles with boundaries, I think you need to have a firm word with the parents. It’s not on. I’d be mortified if my son was annoying any of my neighbours. What are his parents doing while he’s running around like this? Can’t they keep him indoors or let him play out in the back garden with a lock on the gate and keep an eye on him? I have to have an eye on my son constantly when he plays in the back garden because he’s unaware of dangers and will go into other people’s houses if the door is open. It’s exhausting and I’m hyper vigilant as a result of his behaviours, but he’s my child and he needs to learn boundaries sooner rather than later, for his safety and for the sake of other people.

 

[Mycuppatea]

You need to stop engaging with all the "just discipline him for us" stuff from the parents because this has been ongoing for too long, it isn't your job and nobody is keeping a vulnerable child safe.

Just call social services.

They do not stage dawn raids over this and I know you said the family has social services involved but I doubt they're saying that they're outsourcing parenting to random neighbours and letting him roam the neighbourhood when they can't control him at home. He is in danger.

 

[Sven]

It’s even more important to speak to the parents now because he shouldn’t be out and running around when he should be staying away from people because of the virus. His parents should be teaching him to not stare through peoples windows. I would hate that.

 

[BettyCrocker]

You have to speak to his parents. He’s obviously got no sense of personal space and isn’t taking a telling when you’ve asked him to stop.
Do his parents know that he does this and on a regular basis??

Be firm. Just explain that it’s happening too often and that you are worried that he may get hurt. Tell them you expect that it won’t happen again after you have spoken to them.
I’d also try to stop interacting with the boy if you can. Keep the car doors locked until you are ready to get out of the car. Get out and immediately lock the car door. Don’t entertain him - go straight inside your house and lock the door behind you. I’d stop interacting with him completely and just tell the parents to sort it out, but make it clear that he’s in danger of getting hurt if he keeps running around near your car when you are trying to park up
Etc. I’d also tell them bluntly that the ringing off the doorbell has to stop immediately. He’s only 8 - they need to control him.

 

[shortgirl]

This is a little bit harsh but next time he rings your doorbell tell him there’s a monster that lives in your house that doesn’t like children and if he rings the doorbell again or comes into your garden then the monster will eat him then if he rings it again go on YouTube and play a monster sound effect really loudly from your phone through the letterbox to scare him away

 

[wotdidijustwatch]

The parents need to be keeping more of a tight leash on him imo. If I had a child with special needs (Im so sorry I don't know how else to word it ) then i would not want them running up to neighbours or ringing peoples doorbells.
If he got injured like his fingers trapped in the car door then the parents would be bollocking you when its them who need to keep a closer eye on him.

I once found a neighbours kid in my back gardeb crying. Our home backs on to a cul de sac and the kids play out. The balls comes over, they ring our bell and we chuck it back but this one time this 8 year old lad somehow scaled our fence to get over for his ball. Then was knocking on the back door asking to be let out.
Poor thing, I cheered him up saying he must be like spider man to get over that fence and asked if he was hurt. He said no, i said knock on in future and i'll throw it back. Ok then.

An hour later his mum bangs on my door, proper Karen, saying i had yelled at him for being in the garden and i had upset him. I explained the above but as soon as i said to her perhaps she needs to tell him not to climb into gardens she flipped her lid.

Some parents will not be told will they?

 

[Jelly Bean]

I thought maybe a small white lie if you feel nervous about tackling the parents. I agree with MotherofBoys re his safety so possibly say you had heard of strangers in the area and obviously you can't keep an eye on him when he is on his own out the front. The parents sound like they are quite content for him to hang around you as they are getting a small break. Must be infuriating for you arriving home knowing he will be there. These sort of things build up I know.

 

[AmberSpyglass]

You need to talk to his parents , his behaviour is unacceptable, special educational needs or not .

 

[newtoyou]

Hello,

So I need some advice. I live next door to a nice family who have an incredibly annoying 8y/o kid. I know he goes to a “special school” (his dad’s words) but I’m not sure exactly what for.
I’m a friendly person (I hope) but I like my personal space and he’s slowly winding me up.

He’s outside a lot and every time he sees me drive in he runs up, grabs my car door and tries to grab my keys to open the garage. He then tries to open my boot and my front door and wants to look inside my car and mess with my indicators etc. I tell him over and over to please not open my boot and touch my car, to not go in my garage where there’s stuff that could hurt him. He’s even started ringing my doorbell on a Sunday afternoon which I get most annoyed about bc I just want to relax and I know he’s doing it bc he’s bored.

I really don’t want to ask his parents bc they have a lot on their plates personally and by the sounds of it (over the wall) have a lot of trouble stopping him doing stuff themselves.

I really don’t want to be mean bc I do feel bad for him but I need a way to make it clear to him that I’m not a kid on the street and I don’t want him invading my space. He does do the car thing with other people but I feel like he’s less likely to do it to my male neighbours.

It’s got to the point where I wait until he’s gone out before I cut my lawn cos I don’t have the energy to deal with having to keep an eye on him touching my stuff.

This probably sounds mean if you have kids but no other kid on the street does this and it’s driving me mad.

 

[Queenie]

It sounds horrendous! I’m having a similar problem. My neighbour’s 8 yr old son has a drum, the type you get in a marching band. It’s adult size & this kid plays this drum in the street, usually right in front of my house, for 8-10 hours a day. Literally non-stop. It’s deafening. We have elderly people, disabled people, people working shifts, young kids living in the street.
His parents are “undesirables”, breed dogs in their tiny garden, shout & swear at each other & the dad is involved in a very dangerous gang. I live on a council estate & know when people have complained to them before they’ve been “put out” of their houses by this gang. So now everyone s too scared to do anything. I’m at my wit’s end with it all. The police refuse to do anything so this kid continues to terrorise everyone (the constant drumming isn’t the only thing e does, he bullies the other kids, spits at the elderly & vandalises property.
I hate this kid.

 

[Itsallaboutmememe]

I had this years ago

we moved into our first house when I was 8 months pregnant with no2 baby

my ex knew the families of kids in our street which I didn’t think too much about-I didn’t know the area at all but he’d grown up there

then it started-the doorbell ringing non stop,kids in our garden,peering in when we’d gone out,one peeing on my flowers etc

i got him to have words and it seemed to calm down

well when baby was born I was breast feeding and at home it was easier to just whip my top/bra off and feed from one side/hold a pad to the other

i was doing this when one of the kids,thinking we’d gone out-peered in from my lounge windows to see me topless while trying to shove a nip into howling babies mouth

i hit the bloody roof-and once baby had been fed I went round to his house and gave it to his mother that I had a right to live in my own home and if he came in my garden again I’d phone the police and the council

she made a point of dragging him home saying he was grounded and I left it at that

2 minutes later he’s back-it turned out she’d been getting ready to go out and didn’t want him under her feet while she was getting ready to go out on the piss!

the police and the council dealt with her/him and i never had any problems from them again

 

[Jelly Bean]

Oh FFS you poor thing. Peering through your window? I'd feel so trapped.
What the hell are his parents doing letting him roam around especially during social isolating?
And they really need to teach him now what is acceptable behaviour - what is *just* tolerable at his age will become quite sinister for a teenage boy. His parents are not doing him any favours and he could get into a lot of trouble.
I'm afraid it looks like you are going to have to bite the bullet and be completely upfront with them - he is now disrupting your work too. Just not on. Good luck.

 

[LittleMy]

Thanks guys for your comments.

Just to be clear - his parents have never tried to justify his behaviour by using his conditions. I only know about his diagnosis because it came up in an unrelated convo with them. And yes as @Death2unicorns guessed, there are other major factors with trauma.

If he ever plays up when they're there eg going on other people's properties, they properly shout at him straight away and make him apologise. But he doesnt do it often when they're there because he's occupied. It's when he's alone (and I guess bored) that the problem occurs.

My feeling is that he's often just so much to deal with that they send him outside. Eg when they have bbqs, he'll just want to copy them and join in and poke at the fire. No matter how many times they shout at him to stop, he'll continue. To the point where they have to send him out of the garden.

Sounds a lot like a lack of impulse control. My son with autism is the same, it’s very difficult because you feel like you’re talking to a brick wall. Their brains don’t always process things as quickly or easily as ours do. That’s why I suggested the parents need to be supervising him at all times, or get help if they are struggling to manage his needs/behaviour alongside that of their other child(ren). I just don’t think it’s helpful to label him a brat.

Also to add with regards to another poster’s comment that so many children having diagnoses these days, you have to remember that these conditions such as ADHD, autism, etc are far more understood nowadays than they were back when we were all younger. These needs are being recognised as something more than just unruly behaviour, and therefore more people who would’ve normally fallen between the cracks are being diagnosed. Also, if children are receiving a proper diagnosis from a specialist team, you cannot argue that they’re being labelled just for the sake of it, that just doesn’t happen. The diagnosis process is very long and complicated for many of these conditions.

 

[Lardoflife]

Don't let them use his medical issues as an excuse - it's not. As someone who not only works with autistic people (Some have ADHD too, some other conditions) and someone who is also autistic let me assure you that is no excuse for his behaviour. They need to teach him right from wrong because not only is his behaviour creepy and inappropriate now but only likely to escalate and become more worrying as he ages if they do not nip it in the bud now.

You shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable being in your own home and you shouldn't have to keep your blinds closed or wonder how many times he's going to ring your doorbell that day. They need to take this behaviour in hand because it's not fair on you or the other neighbours.

That isn't even going into the current situation with the virus, what the hell are they playing at? If he got it who knows how many people or surfaces he could be spreading it to!

 

[Jelly Bean]

And always bear in mind you are not responsible for the boy's medical issues - his parents are. Don't feel guilty for feeling annoyed and concerned. Seems you are actually more concerned than they are - following strangers for eg.