Narcissistic and Toxic parents.

[TheGlossy]

When one of my siblings (the golden child) went no contact with one of my parents for a full year, my parents fought over the golden child. One parent kept saying it was the other parent's fault and they turned on each other. It all came back to normal once the golden child mended the relationship with the parent in question.

Yet, when I went no contact (because of the same set of triggering events), I remained the scapegoat. In my case, I don't think they turned on each other. They all called me names after I refused to give money when they tried to contact me for money after years of no contact. One of my siblings (the one I mentioned above) sent me a rude and hurtful message to convey a collective message on behalf on my family.

I think once a scapegoat, always a scapegoat.

It's quite ironic though because both my parents are estranged from their respective families. It seems there is a generational pattern and I hope it ends with me because I don't plan on having children.

 

[Clairer86]

Does anyone else randomly think about things said to them in the past?

I was just thinking before about the time we watched that Martin Bashir and Michael Jackson documentary; and my parents told me they would feel safe and happy sending me to Neverland. Ridiculous i know.

I often hear my dad voice telling me i was putting on weight (i was 9 stone!!!) and a size 10 is a bit chubby and i must learn to "educate my belly and be more like him" and then i wouldnt be so average.

Also, his absolute bleeping disgust when i told him i was planning on being a social worker. He told me i couldnt do it and i must go into politics (because that was what he wanted, not what i wanted).

 

[mcfeez]

Does anyone else randomly think about things said to them in the past?

I was just thinking before about the time we watched that Martin Bashir and Michael Jackson documentary; and my parents told me they would feel safe and happy sending me to Neverland. Ridiculous i know.

I often hear my dad voice telling me i was putting on weight (i was 9 stone!!!) and a size 10 is a bit chubby and i must learn to "educate my belly and be more like him" and then i wouldnt be so average.

Also, his absolute bleeping disgust when i told him i was planning on being a social worker. He told me i couldnt do it and i must go into politics (because that was what he wanted, not what i wanted).

All the time. There are particular things my mothers said to me as a teen I can still hear as clear as the day she said them. She genuinely thinks our relationship is alright now which is so delusional - the reason she thinks that is I keep her at arms length and tell her very little about my life.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

For those of you who perhaps cut ties with toxic family members (or your whole family), do you ever feel guilty (especially with COVID etc)?

I have to say, even though I have very specific reasons as to why I am no longer in touch with my family (I could go on and on), I sometimes feel guilty for cutting them off. We had been no contact for years, then they attempted to reach out to me at the end of 2019 to ask me for money on my birthday (without even asking why I cut ties or anything - they didn't send me any wishes for years during no-contact, and suddenly that particular year, they sent wishes and asked for money in the same message). That said, they asked me for money I didn't have myself and when I said I didn't have the money (literally, I had roommates and less than $1K in my savings accounts), they called me names and one of my siblings took it upon himself/herself to send me a really nasty message.

However, sometimes I feel guilty I didn't get in touch during the initial stages of COVID, but then again, when I think reasonably, if they truly cared, they would have tried to mend the relationship before asking for money right away after 4 years of no-contact. They put me through college, which I am grateful for, but the whole time, they said I wasn't deserving of their money being spent on me and blamed any financial woes on me. By the time I finished college, I was emotionally drained from them saying my college education was "crap" and how they should have never sent me to college. Instead of being proud of me being the first female in my entire family to attend college, they kept making me feel bad about it and belittling me the whole 4 years. I can appreciate that sending a kid to college is expensive, but 4 years after my graduation, they were still experiencing issues and that point, we had been no-contact for the whole 4 years. I'm pretty adamant they didn't borrow any money to put me through college because they were making good money at the time. When I went no-contact, they had just bought an expensive car for one of my siblings and MacBook's for my other siblings, so they certainly weren't struggling. I saw my siblings on social media with the latest iPhones etc, so it is to wonder.

I have never for one moment felt guilt. I never liked my family especially the person who gave birth to me from a very young age and always knew I would free myself from them one day. Why would I feel guilt over people who abused me, mocked me and did everything they could to drill it in to my head I'm worth nothing? I just know they seethe at the fact I cut all contact no fucks given and have thrived ever since.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

I have never for one moment felt guilt. I never liked my family especially the person who gave birth to me from a very young age and always knew I would free myself from them one day. Why would I feel guilt over people who abused me, mocked me and did everything they could to drill it in to my head I'm worth nothing? I just know they seethe at the fact I cut all contact no fucks given and have thrived ever since.

I love your perspective here. It's very inspirational actually

I did suffer with a lot of guilt. Guilt is what stopped me going no contact sooner.

I dont suffer anymore, just the odd pang of guilt but it passes quickly.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

I love your perspective here. It's very inspirational actually

I did suffer with a lot of guilt. Guilt is what stopped me going no contact sooner.

I dont suffer anymore, just the odd pang of guilt but it passes quickly.

Honestly I think it could be why I was singled out as well. I never craved my mothers love even as a small child, I never did want their approval and I always knew something was very wrong and was vocal about it. The family make the odd attempt here and there to make contact to which I ignore and go about my day. Never ever feel guilty about not wanting people who wish you ill in your life. I disregard them the same way my needs and feelings were disregarded as a small helpless child. I don't have too many people in my life but it's still filled with love and happy moments that I could of only dreamed of all those years ago.

 

[Sheabutter]

Honestly I think it could be why I was singled out as well. I never craved my mothers love even as a small child, I never did want their approval and I always knew something was very wrong and was vocal about it. The family make the odd attempt here and there to make contact to which I ignore and go about my day. Never ever feel guilty about not wanting people who wish you ill in your life. I disregard them the same way my needs and feelings were disregarded as a small helpless child. I don't have too many people in my life but it's still filled with love and happy moments that I could of only dreamed of all those years ago.

This is what I always wanted for myself. I don’t have it but I do what I can.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

This is what I always wanted for myself. I don’t have it but I do what I can.

It took me a long time completely by myself. I removed every last bad seed in my life which left me completely alone and isolated but most importantly I was free. One day I was out doing my shopping and saw a clearly abused dog with 2 people I approached them with money and told them I was taking the dog. The first time in my life I had something to truly love and care for and I nursed him back to health and he started to love me back. Then from that good loving people slowly trickled in to my life. It scares me to imagine what my life would be like now if I'd stayed a part of that "family". If you don't already I can't advise you enough if your situation allows it to get a rescue dog! The love and happiness you get from each other is beautiful!

 

[Sheabutter]

It took me a long time completely by myself. I removed every last bad seed in my life which left me completely alone and isolated but most importantly I was free. One day I was out doing my shopping and saw a clearly abused dog with 2 people I approached them with money and told them I was taking the dog. The first time in my life I had something to truly love and care for and I nursed him back to health and he started to love me back. Then from that good loving people slowly trickled in to my life. It scares me to imagine what my life would be like now if I'd stayed a part of that "family". If you don't already I can't advise you enough if your situation allows it to get a rescue dog! The love and happiness you get from each other is beautiful!

That story is beautiful 🥲 I don’t have the proper space to care for a dog at the moment. I have always been awed by the love they give though.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

That story is beautiful 🥲 I don’t have the proper space to care for a dog at the moment. I have always been awed by the love they give though.

I've still got the dog nearly 10 years later and he's been through all the ups and downs with me. He's lying on my feet as I type. Cats can be quiet loving as well but it is a case of the cat picks you rather than the other way round. Even hamsters can be affectionate. Honestly the decision I made that day is one of the best I ever made. I just couldn't walk by and ignore him (not blowing my own trumpet I'm sure anyone else here would of done the same in my position).

 

[PrincessCharming]

She’s not a rescue dog but a big mongrel that we have from a friend’s accidental litter. She’s a big cuddle monster who brings so much joy.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

She’s not a rescue dog but a big mongrel that we have from a friend’s accidental litter. She’s a big cuddle monster who brings so much joy.

They are the best! Is she long haired? Random just the picture I have in my head. Always had a soft spot for mongrels and greyhounds actually.

 

[Sheabutter]

I was on a group call with some of my family including my mother. She was behaving strangely. I started to say something in response to my brother and my mother interrupted me. When she finished my brother started to ask me what I was about to say but my mother cut him off again to say something quite inane. She did this a total of three times before I was able to finish my thought. I think it has to do with her feeling starved for attention. She is living alone. She has not shown an interest in dating. She has girlfriends and colleagues she speaks to throughout the day so I don’t feel as if she’s justified in being this needy. Has anyone experienced something similar? It was more important to her to share a fact about her best friend with the family than hearing what it was I wanted to share.

 

[Thank(space)you]

I used to genuinely think she had bpd because of the abandonment issue. But she is not very emotional nor impulsive more cold and calculated. She has a cold rage that is usually passive aggressive but she does yell under stress. But her baseline is anger bubbling under the surface and can last for weeks months years. She is incapable of tears even when the people nearest to her die there is no grief. My dad nearly died and we were all inconsolable she coldly complained of the inconvenience of hospital visits. She is also not impulsive, bides her time, really sensible about looking after herself and money.

Omg when my stepdad was dying in hospital my mum was the same! She would complain about him dying being inconvenient and how she didn't want to visit him every day, she didn't want to bring him clean clothes. She was cross he wasn't eating (he was on palliative care in a hospice)
Yet around people who didn't know her well she was playing the hysterical grieving woman
I'll never forgive her (or L - my stepsister) for arguing over who got what when he wasn't even dead yet and could hear them.

How me and my sibling made it through the teenage years alive I will never know. We could have been dead in a ditch for all she knew or cared.

We would go on nights out and return home to find she had locked us out
Or find our bedrooms smashed up or our clothes in bin bags in the front garden

The fact that we met decent partners and are relatively successful and happy sticks in her throat. We could turn up at her house in a new car and she will completely ignore it, get a new job or be promoted and somehow it’s all down to her fantastic parenting.

I can relate a lot to this. I remember going to a party on a Friday and not coming home until Tuesday and she didn't bat an eyelid.

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I feel for you & all of your stories. It's nice to know I'm not alone.

I have cut ties with my mother & step-dad for various reasons (my middle brother died a year ago but tbh it was brewing anyway).
The only person I have contact with is my sister-in-law & nephew (deceased brother's son).
Recently my step-dad contacted my sister-in-law to ask if she'd had contact with me and ask why I am not speaking to them (we've never had a discussion, & quite honestly I don't want to get into one, they are absolutely the type to not take responsibility & I really & I don't need the drama). My step-dad also added that 'I always talked about myself', which is honestly complete rubbish & I don't want to bore you all with every detail. My step-dad also followed up this conversation with an email to my sister-in-law!

My eldest brother who doesn't speak to them either (but he is a a very angry & selfish person I've drifted from also). Recently my bank account got hacked & left me with 20pounds. He happened to text me the same day it happened (so I explained what had just happened, still in shock), he replied by making a joke. Despite being very well off (driving a Bentley * living in a 4bed alone) he didn't even ask if I needed anything.
In the next coming days he sent me an invite to his bday party in Jan expecting me to fly over from Dubai & pay for a hotel stay for the event.

I am not sure anything surprises me any more.

 

[Eureka]

How is everyone feeling coming up to Christmas? It can be a difficult time.

 

[Rodneytrotter]

How is everyone feeling coming up to Christmas? It can be a difficult time.

A bit fed up with hearing people moaning about how they might not see their parents this Xmas. But I realise its not their fault

How.about you?

 

[mcfeez]

How is everyone feeling coming up to Christmas? It can be a difficult time.

Very mild dread. My mother is such a control freak she is exhausting around Christmas. I tried to organise it so my parents would come to me and we could go out (I prefer neutral settings) but there was so much awkward resistance. I am now eating dinner at her house one day, not staying over thank goodness.

How are you feeling?

 

[TheGlossy]

I think the holidays tend to stress me out a bit because people start asking about whether I'm going "home" for the holidays. I honestly don't understand this question at all. I'm a grown woman with a life where I currently live, it's my true home to me. I know they refer to visiting family etc.. and I always have to fabricate a lie or say I'm spending the holidays with friends. Last year was no one asked because we were in lockdown and I felt good without that pressure of having to fabricate a random answer.

I always spend Christmas and New Year's alone, but I honestly do not mind it one bit. I sometimes wish I had a partner & decent in-laws to spend time with, but I'm also good on my own. I grew up not celebrating Christmas, so it's never been a big deal. I love spending Christmas day watching old movies (Breakfast at Tiffany's), so this is my own tradition (and perhaps one day I'll get to share it with a family of my own, who knows).

 

[yogiessexdubs]

I think the holidays tend to stress me out a bit because people start asking about whether I'm going "home" for the holidays. I honestly don't understand this question at all. I'm a grown woman with a life where I currently live, it's my true home to me. I know they refer to visiting family etc.. and I always have to fabricate a lie or say I'm spending the holidays with friends. Last year was no one asked because we were in lockdown and I felt good without that pressure of having to fabricate a random answer.

I always spend Christmas and New Year's alone, but I honestly do not mind it one bit. I sometimes wish I had a partner & decent in-laws to spend time with, but I'm also good on my own. I grew up not celebrating Christmas, so it's never been a big deal. I love spending Christmas day watching old movies (Breakfast at Tiffany's), so this is my own tradition (and perhaps one day I'll get to share it with a family of my own, who knows).

I completely get this. x