I hope you are all doing well. It looks like spring is starting show itself in my neck of the woods, FINALLY! I once heard a saying from a male friend who said "Pizza is like sex. Even when it's bad it ' good." Well, my pizza last night was made with such distain, no love, I can say that assertion is BS! Speaking of bad sex, I saw they had a CM up and in the comments people saying how hilarious they were.
Yeah, right. It's called "Saturday Papers."
Nadia is here fuffing her hair. Where is Mark?
Who gives a f... 
Oh look, he has that fly swatter racket and he is pretending he is at Wimbledon for us. Nadia says "It will be Boris in prison and you in the hospital." She tries to get Maddie to tell him. You can just bet he will be bitching about his back for the rest of the day. He finally sits down, puts his specs on and says his first girlfriend has a huge crush on Boris Bekker.
"He did have an incredible physique" says Nads. Nads says she was asking on Insta Live the question, how many times do you fall asleep on the sofa? She says she does twice a week.
Isn't that a sign of age? 
Lisa, yeah that Lisa, says she falls asleep every night on the sofa. Mark says when she fell asleep on the sofa, it made the place feel cosy and wished Lisa lived with them.
Okay. 
Chat about how comfortable people must be in your home to fall asleep.
Or bored or tired. Nads says to be fair, Lisa is up at 3 a.m.
No Teddy Talks this week because Teddy's teeth are in Mitcham. "Did you notice my teeth?" Nadia says she had them sandpapered down yesterday. We get a nice close-up of Nadia's gnashers that got sandpapered to they are totally straight horizontal-wise. "I'm so happy with my teeth."
Happy birthday to Ali in Sterling. Did you know that Mark nearly went to Sterling for uni? Now you do. I doubt he would have lasted there. The Scots would have shipped him back south piece by piece. "Thank you Stacey for your lovely letter and card." Nadia is cold and her "nose is actually running." Mark wants to show Nadia something. "I want to show you my poll." "Mark stop being silly, it's not entertaining anyone." She goes on to say no thanks and that she is absolutely fine not seeing his poll. "Now what are you going to do?" He shows off the fact that he has discovered the poll thingy for chat.
Nadia says this is riveting. Cue a tiff about too many choices. Nadia can't wait for the poll to show up. She then suggests they should have asked the "how many times do you have sex" question. So, 51% say they never fall asleep on the sofa. Nadia complains about the options and that the chatter misinterpreted it Now she says she's bored. Mark says "Right, give us your first story fuckhead."
"Shall we share what happened in the park?" asks Mark. Nadia says no, as they have done it for the vlog.
What is this vlog she speaks of?" Mark threatens to electrocute her with the fly zapper. Screaming. Nadia says if he does, she is leaving and checking into a hotel.
Promises, promises. Can you guess which story Mark is doing first? Which story this week was creepy and nasty? No, not the Depp Vs Heard case.
If you said that sad pervy MP with the porn in the House of Commons you are correct! Nadia says he campaigns tirelessly for better broadband and Mark says "now we know why." Aww Mark made a funny.
Mark says it is more embarassing that he is a grandfather.
What does his social slot have to do with anything. It's just plain gross watching porn at work, on the taxpayers dime/10p. This MP was apparently on TV about this situation (wow brass neck) commenting and says the whips will deal with it. "I bet he wants a chief whip!" Okay Mark settled down, your moment has passed. This MP says it was an accident and Mark decides to do another poll.
His wife found out from the press, because dum-dum didn't charge his phone, tells his wife he is sorry she married a
bleeping idiot.
Typical. It's her fault for marrying him. The wife says if you were mad with every man who looked at porn, you wouldn't have many wives in the world. Mark says "There you go, what can I say?" Ninety-two percent think it wasn't an accident.
This leads to talk about men watching porn on the public transport. Nadia utters the caveat "not all men." She is learning. Nadia says you can't be making love beautifully in a park.
I don't think that comes to mind with those two. I imagine Mark is all, come on Nads get your baps out. 
I found out something I didn't need to know, that Nadia doesn't involve food with her sex. Mark says one person's making love is another's flashing.
What? Moron. 
Bad news if you have booked an all-inclusive and you like to embarass yourself overseas by getting wasted. There is a drink limit of 6. Some guy booked a trip to Majorca and is upset by this limit.
Dude's waistline looks like he could do with a drinks limit. Just saying, as I have my chocolate chip cookie. 
Nadia says she agrees with it, but they should tell people there is a drinks limit when they book. Fair enough. Mark says so if you want to get annihilated drunk, they should be able to.
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'VE GOT AN ENGLISH DEGREE AND YOU CAWN'T UNDERSTAND A WORD I'M SAYING?!?" Nadia reiterates the story in short form and he says he understood all of it. Apparently the new rules were implemented during the pandemic, but like anyone noticed.
Mark and his 3rd poll. No not that one.
"Who thinks 6 drinks limit is good?" Nadia says no, you can get as many as you want, as long as you pay for them. You just can't get more than 6 drinks free. Nadia goes on to say their questions for the poll are rubbish.
If I had a pole I know where I would like to stick it. 
More bitching about the poll question. "Women scarred for life by unregulated facial thread lifts." Mark says he filmed one of these procedures, of course.
I recall the rumour that Catherine Deneuve had a 24k gold thread lift. Nadia says she has considering having this procedure.
I think you would need scaffolding to lift that. Mark suggests he draws on Nadia's face and she is not having it. He does on to tell us how they make a hole on either side of your face, feed a wire with barbed bits on it and pull up the saggy bits. Nadia repeats that she is considering it.
Umm, doesn't this go against her body acceptance mantra? Mark says celebs and influencers do it and she is both.
Anyway, it's about women going to Turkey to get this nonsense done. (Have you see those American chicks on TLC Darcey and Stacey? They went to Turkey for the umpteenth time and came back looking like Janice from the Muppet Show.
) Chat about the charity Save Face and how they have seen so many with infections and the like from these procedures overseas, "blood flow getting locked in the cheeks."
Now Nadia says she is never having one. Poll 57% says the drinks limit is good. Nadia stares into space with her tongue in the corner of her mouth and says she forgot what the question was. Now a debate on what all-inclusive means. FFS. "People go to all-inclusives to drink all day and all night." Mark says he knows because that is what he used to do.
"Right, so this is a really horrible story" says Nads. It's about the one of the ISIS Beatles given life in prison. He apparently said his version of hell is being jailed in the US. "Thank God that's what's happening to him." He is apparently highly intelligent, streetwise and a psychopath with no guilt.
Charming. Enjoy your time in the States loser! One of his victims 11yo daughter accidently saw his headless body whilst scrolling on Insta.
MeeTube says a supermax prison is too good for them, send them to Gitmo.
Whoa, settle down MeTube.
Final serious story about HRT supply being broken. That it is more serious than, you know, an insulin shortage. Nadia, once bitten, compares it to Viagra being in low supply. Talk about women feeling suicidal from it and Nadia dreads to think how she would be if she was cut off. Davina McCall has a second doc on Monday about menopause and testosterone. They will be doing a live after the documentary you lucky people! "Put that in your diary"
No ta! I have a toilet bowl that needs cleaning 
.
Our favourite funster tabloid the Daily Star, says COVID has made us all lazy an extra 1.3 million have less than 30 mins exercise a week. "A WEEK!" screeches Nadia.
Oh please, don't act like you are the second coming of Mad Lizzy. 
Only 60% are considered active.
That number isn't bad. The weather has been sooooo cold here, it is only hitting the teens this weekend and I am more active as a result. Mark says that is worrying, as it contributed to people getting COVID.
Umm, active people got COVID, they were just better at surviving. What about long COVID? Nadia tells us to take our Vit D and exercise.
A couple of sessions at David Llloyd and she is an expert. Studies show the hunter gather man-woman dynamic is because prehistorians were traditionally men.
Really? Get out of here! Nadia yawns without covering her mouth, then proceeds to pick at the back of her head. (OMG! What with the chat about nits and Nads, did you see on the Internet footage of that girl
INFESTED with lice? Tonnes of them crawling on her head and thick with eggs and the hairdresser trying to delouse her. If you want to be put off your food, you know where to look.
) Yeah, so apparently women had more of a role in hunting and the arts. Mark thinks Nadia would have been a fabulous prehistoric woman.
She's got the hair down pat. "I tell you what, I would be very happy in the cave cooking."
"Loo Can't Handle The Truth." Bursting for a wee keeps you honest.
Something about doing a test before and after the loo and after the subjects were more likely to cheat. So banning trips to the loo during exams prevents cheating.
Really? "I NEVER HEARD A LOAD OF OLD CODSWOLLOP!" says Nadia. Mark sugges the cops interview suspects before they go to the loo.
I think they already do that, feed them coffee, pop, water to get them to confess. Maddie found the old footage of Louis Theroux rapping and people are trying to get it to #1 on Apple iTunes. Virtual snogging kit. Mark asks Nads how she practiced kissing; Mark used his hand of course, Nads a mirror. Nadia says Jane Moore would do it on the top of twin top washing machines.
This doesn't sound right. Jane wouild snog the hose.
This leads to Mark saying he toyed with the idea of putting the Hoover on his you know what
. My poor brain. 
Nadia wonders if anyone had their penis sucked off.
Well that goes without saying. Nadia says it would happen with Henry as it is very high suction. Mark mentions her doing it with a Hetty.
Finally, yes finally, "Thou shalt not be mean to the mother-in-law." The pope says so. Mark mentions the lack of mother-in-law jokes and then Nadia remembers Rebekah Vardy. As she is busy pulling back her hair in a ponytail, she goes on about Wagatha Christie and how the trial has been going on for years.
Actually, the full trial isn't until May, it just feels like years. So Vardy admitted it was her PR/agent friend leaking the stories and dropped her phone in the North Sea.
Colleen's defence team don't believe it and Mark and Nadia go on about the North Sea excuse. Nadia says the security expert, "someone brilliant with phones," forgot the password and couldn't access the Whatsapp. Tracey says her customer was confused by the Hoover sucking off a penis convo: she needs to wear earplugs
Why are you watching this crap at work? Poll did Nadia enjoy VR sex? 63% said yes. Nadia does her newbies spiel and says sometimes they take days off.
SOMETIMES? Nadia says she cooking a gorgeous chicken roast and a divine cake with lemon curd, Lisa Loves and Maddies lame memes. "Anybody will tell you it is fantastically worth the money" and Nadia said that with a straight face. Member's live tonight. They are at letters K and L for the cards.
Happy birthday to Wayne
AND OH MY LORD NADIA DOES A GESTURE THAT LOOKS LIKE SHE IS GIVING A BLOWIE AND SHE REALIZES MIDWAY. It's at 33: 28! 
It makes watching this
tit worth the wait.
"I WAS TRYING TO DO A TRUMPET" She means trombone
"THAT WAS A TRUMPET, I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO...MAAAARK!!" She runs off and bangs her elbow. Mark makes the gesture again and says that isn't a trumpet. She screams and walks out. Comes back asks him to edit it out. Mark asks Michelle to sub clip it so he can use it on Insta Story. Happy birthday to Shomster and Nadia does a ukulele and manages to once again make it look like a rude gesture and runs away again.
Now Mark is doing that annoying laugh of his. I THOUGHT I WAS SAFE WITH A UKULELE!!! Happy birthday to Creataholic and Nadia is back with her hands tucked under her pits. She does a recorder very gingerly. Laters!
