My mum has ruined my wedding...

[whathastheworldcometo]

Right I'm coming across all wrong here.
I joke about being the favourite because my siblings say it. It's them who are constantly arguing with my parents and causing drama saying I get treated better. Which I really don't. We've all had the same growing up and we still do now. I'm 27 incase you was wondering. That makes my sister 37.

Me and my sister have our differences. We get along most of the time but it's her with the chip on her shoulder. She's always trying to out do me (believe it or not because you've obviously got an opinion of me already - I actually don't care) but my life is constantly everytime I buy something she goes out and gets the next one up of it or buys 2 of them. You know what I'm saying? My partner has always bought me 2 pairs of Dr martens every Christmas since we met.. suddenly her husband has started doing it and she says "oh yeah it's out tradition" and her only aim is to have a collection of boots bigger than mine. I tit you not, that is genuinely her attitude!


I don't care for these things I'm not a materialistic person. I just wanted my husband to be the first person to see my dress other than me and mum who went shopping for it. Why is that so wrong of me?

I'm not in any way trying to out do her at all.
I'm well within my rights to think that my wedding attire SHOULD have been a secret till the moment I walked down that aisle. That doesn't make me a spoilt brat, or a wannabe princess. It makes me a bride.

But your sister won’t see your wedding attire when you walk down the aisle.
Hardly anyone will.

It sounds like your mum didnt show the people that will be there so they will be surprised by what you wear. Which is what you wanted, right?

To me it sounds like you wanted a big wedding.
But your wedding is really small and this bug fuss seems out of proportion

 

[Stan]

Have you ever thought that your mum may have been upset that her children (supposed adults) are having witch fits like babies ? And wanted to do exactly what she said - mend the argument so she could see her children be happy for each other and get on.
your mum really isn’t the problem here.

 

[littlepup]

You’re backtracking.
You were gleeful in your first post ‘when they realised they weren’t coming’... now it’s ‘I’m doing them a favour by not inviting them’. Didn’t bother to discuss it with them though did you. You still want them to be shocked by the photos,it’s not altruistic at all.
Your sister didn’t have the same wedding or even probably the wedding she wanted, 2-4-1 meals for goodness sake. Your go to is ‘she’s obviously jealous’, ‘she doesn’t want mine to be better’. I suspect actually that she wanted a marriage not a wedding.
You’re saying this year has been hard on you but you’ve chosen to wait for an apology for 9 weeks from your sister rather than reach out and not talk to your Mum even though you work together. You’re self sabotaging then trying to blame everyone else.

 

[Ohflogoff]

Nah, no biggy.

 

[Mycuppatea]

I did add a comment explaining that my sister also didn't have family at her wedding.


I'm not upset about a stupid leather jacket I'm upset that my mum's unable to keep something a secret for me.

Maybe I wanted my siblings to be shocked when they saw our wedding photos?
Just to clarify.. my sister isn't upset about not being invited to the wedding. She didn't have siblings at her wedding. She chose a small wedding. The only difference is she was heavy pregnant, chose not to have a dress, had it at the local registery office and had a meal at a 2 for 1 pub afterwards. She even openly said that I should have a tit hen do like she did. She doesn't want me to have nicer things than she did.

It sounds like you have some family dynamics that I frankly don't understand but that the real heart of your hurt here is worrying that your mum hasn't kept your important secrets.

Maybe, just take a deep breath, brew up a cuppa and sit down with her to clear the air. I'd start by apologising (even if you don't feel like it) and explain it isnt about the jacket but about you wanting to be sure that your mum is your safe space and keeps your confidence on the important things.

Weddings are stressful even under ideal circumstances and I hope you can relax and enjoy the real heart of the day - love and family.

 

[BettyCrocker]

What’s done is done. So your sister has seen a photo of what you are going to wear; big deal. You can’t change that now and there’s no benefit now to trying to make your mum feel bad for it. Draw a line under it. If you carry on like this it’s going to turn into a family feud with your mum in the middle of her 2 daughters. It’s not fair.

you really need to let go of feeling hard done by because you are younger. Family dynamics are usually a bit mess for everyone but you are 27 years old - you are not a child. You shouldn’t still be carrying on like this - tit for tat over things you get for Christmas or that her husband said this or that. It’s just unnecessary.

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

If I’ve read this correctly, your mum had two sons and then a daughter, then 10 years after having the daughter she had you?
I’m not making excuses for your sister and her behaviour, but I can understand why she is jealous of you and why she always want to compete with you. She was your mum’s baby and the only girl for 10 years and then you came along. That must have had a profound affect on her, especially as she was 10 and she would have had a good understanding of the world. She must have been a bit upset and put out that your mum had had another baby and a girl too. She probably felt very pushed out. I feel like you all need to sit down as a family and talk, but maybe the damage has already been done.

Yeah that's correct!
I can totally see that and I've never thought of it like that! We have always been really close - my mum used to work all hours and my sister used to get me ready for school, take me there and then rush off to secondary school herself! She's helped my mum out looking after me a hell of a lot, I even lived with her and her husband when I was 19/20 but the problem is she throws it back in my mum's face alot and she likes to say to me "I brought you up! I was there more than mum was!"
We got along really well until I moved into my own flat, then me and my partner bought a house of our own, she doesn't seem to like me growing up very much! She's always looking around my house like she's searching for faults as well! I love her with all my heart she's my sister, but I've been saying for years that she's got a problem with me that she won't address

This is why I kind of wanted to keep some little details to myself - it hurts that she's not interested enough to ask me herself. Like I've mentioned it's not because she's upset about not being invited to the wedding, it's something more :/

 

[Stan]

Me and my sister have our differences. We get along most of the time but it's her with the chip on her shoulder. She's always trying to out do me (believe it or not because you've obviously got an opinion of me already - I actually don't care) but my life is constantly everytime I buy something she goes out and gets the next one up of it or buys 2 of them. You know what I'm saying? My partner has always bought me 2 pairs of Dr martens every Christmas since we met.. suddenly her husband has started doing it and she says "oh yeah it's out tradition" and her only aim is to have a collection of boots bigger than mine. I tit you not, that is genuinely her attitude!

This is hilarious - is this a parody rant really ?

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

You’re backtracking.
You were gleeful in your first post ‘when they realised they weren’t coming’... now it’s ‘I’m doing them a favour by not inviting them’. Didn’t bother to discuss it with them though did you. You still want them to be shocked by the photos,it’s not altruistic at all.
Your sister didn’t have the same wedding or even probably the wedding she wanted, 2-4-1 meals for goodness sake. Your go to is ‘she’s obviously jealous’, ‘she doesn’t want mine to be better’. I suspect actually that she wanted a marriage not a wedding.
You’re saying this year has been hard on you but you’ve chosen to wait for an apology for 9 weeks from your sister rather than reach out and not talk to your Mum even though you work together. You’re self sabotaging then trying to blame everyone else.

I also find it patronizing to decide what other people can afford and to decide what is best for them and so “do them a favor”.
You could have let them decide or paid for them or chosen a more affordable venue

 

[Biatchtiats]

Get over yourself.
Just elope and be done with it

 

[Stan]

Yeah that's correct!
I can totally see that and I've never thought of it like that! We have always been really close - my mum used to work all hours and my sister used to get me ready for school, take me there and then rush off to secondary school herself! She's helped my mum out looking after me a hell of a lot, I even lived with her and her husband when I was 19/20 but the problem is she throws it back in my mum's face alot and she likes to say to me "I brought you up! I was there more than mum was!"
We got along really well until I moved into my own flat, then me and my partner bought a house of our own, she doesn't seem to like me growing up very much! She's always looking around my house like she's searching for faults as well! I love her with all my heart she's my sister, but I've been saying for years that she's got a problem with me that she won't address

This is why I kind of wanted to keep some little details to myself - it hurts that she's not interested enough to ask me herself. Like I've mentioned it's not because she's upset about not being invited to the wedding, it's something more :/

Also if your sister practically raised you and did all these things when your mum wasn’t there, maybe she is hurt that you don’t want to share these things with her and didn’t invite them. It doesn’t sound like you’ve explained your “generous” motives about trying to save them money to them and even given her the chance to say they would be willing to pay it.
you do sound like a spoilt princess

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

Yeah that's correct!
I can totally see that and I've never thought of it like that! We have always been really close - my mum used to work all hours and my sister used to get me ready for school, take me there and then rush off to secondary school herself! She's helped my mum out looking after me a hell of a lot, I even lived with her and her husband when I was 19/20 but the problem is she throws it back in my mum's face alot and she likes to say to me "I brought you up! I was there more than mum was!"
We got along really well until I moved into my own flat, then me and my partner bought a house of our own, she doesn't seem to like me growing up very much! She's always looking around my house like she's searching for faults as well! I love her with all my heart she's my sister, but I've been saying for years that she's got a problem with me that she won't address

This is why I kind of wanted to keep some little details to myself - it hurts that she's not interested enough to ask me herself. Like I've mentioned it's not because she's upset about not being invited to the wedding, it's something more :/

So your sister helped raise you - that’s a huge deal ! She was your mum when your mum was working etc. I think she is hurting that she wasn’t invited. She had to give up a lot to look after you - her teen years - that’s a big thing!
Maybe you and your sister could go to therapy together to work on your issues because you both have them. Your sister might resent you because you had it easier , she helped raise you.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

Yeah that's correct!
I can totally see that and I've never thought of it like that! We have always been really close - my mum used to work all hours and my sister used to get me ready for school, take me there and then rush off to secondary school herself! She's helped my mum out looking after me a hell of a lot, I even lived with her and her husband when I was 19/20 but the problem is she throws it back in my mum's face alot and she likes to say to me "I brought you up! I was there more than mum was!"
We got along really well until I moved into my own flat, then me and my partner bought a house of our own, she doesn't seem to like me growing up very much! She's always looking around my house like she's searching for faults as well! I love her with all my heart she's my sister, but I've been saying for years that she's got a problem with me that she won't address

This is why I kind of wanted to keep some little details to myself - it hurts that she's not interested enough to ask me herself. Like I've mentioned it's not because she's upset about not being invited to the wedding, it's something more :/

If she did so much for you then I find you ungrateful for not inviting her.
Did you ever thank her for giving up a part of her childhood/teenage years to care for you?

 

[Ohflogoff]

Ps - that is not ruining your wedding. Just to put things into perspective here - The groom not turning up would be your wedding ruined.

 

[Stan]

Ps - that is not ruining your wedding. Just to put things into perspective here - The groom not turning up would be your wedding ruined.

Yeah, someone having a fight in the middle of the wedding would ruin it.
funnily enough - and some people may not agree. A wedding is not just about the couple getting married. It’s about the family who all want to enjoy it. Parents especially, they raise you, care for you, may even contribute to the cost of the wedding, they should have some allowances. You can’t let your mum get excited and then police her joy

 

[Ooohb*tch!]

You’re backtracking.
You were gleeful in your first post ‘when they realised they weren’t coming’... now it’s ‘I’m doing them a favour by not inviting them’. Didn’t bother to discuss it with them though did you. You still want them to be shocked by the photos,it’s not altruistic at all.
Your sister didn’t have the same wedding or even probably the wedding she wanted, 2-4-1 meals for goodness sake. Your go to is ‘she’s obviously jealous’, ‘she doesn’t want mine to be better’. I suspect actually that she wanted a marriage not a wedding.
You’re saying this year has been hard on you but you’ve chosen to wait for an apology for 9 weeks from your sister rather than reach out and not talk to your Mum even though you work together. You’re self sabotaging then trying to blame everyone else.

Actually I said when they realised they wasn't invited. I am doing them a favour because they won't have to feel like they are letting me down when they say they can't attend. And equally we won't loose out on money for paid meals if they don't let me know till last minute.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

If she did so much for you then I find you ungrateful for not inviting her.
Did you ever thank her for giving up a part of her childhood/teenage years to care for you?

And then I totally get your mum for sharing information with her. Your mum is probably grateful to your sister

 

[littlepup]

So you’re sister gave up part of her childhood to raise you, gave you a roof over her head when she was a young couple with her husband making their own way, sacrificed so much of her own life for you and you didn’t even bother to explain that you weren’t inviting her to your wedding. Or to have a wedding where you could show your appreciation to her by having her there as part of the wedding party. It wasn’t as important enough to you to have her there. But you don’t speak to people for weeks over some photos and instead you want to be clever and sarcastic about being the favourite and her being jealous.
This is absolutely unbelievable!!!! The level of selfishness here blows my mind.

Actually I said when they realised they wasn't invited. I am doing them a favour because they won't have to feel like they are letting me down when they say they can't attend. And equally we won't loose out on money for paid meals if they don't let me know till last minute.

Exactly, you didn’t even tell them, they had to work it out. ‘You didn’t say, this is what we’re doing, I understand it’s expensive...’ They could have chosen to get a baby sitter and have the weekend just themselves, You don’t know. You’re not doing them a favour at all. Have a good look at yourself.[/QUOTE]

 

[Stan]

Actually I said when they realised they wasn't invited. I am doing them a favour because they won't have to feel like they are letting me down when they say they can't attend. And equally we won't loose out on money for paid meals if they don't let me know till last minute.

But why wouldnt you say to them “we want to invite you but don’t know if you would want the expense? But you will have to let us know so we know how many meals are required”
Why on Earth would close family members back out of a wedding at the last minute.

 

[Yayitsavaliable]

So you’re sister gave up part of her childhood to raise you, gave you a roof over her head when she was a young couple with her husband making their own way, sacrificed so much of her own life for you and you didn’t even bother to explain that you weren’t inviting her to your wedding. Or to have a wedding where you could show your appreciation to her by having her there as part of the wedding party. It wasn’t as important enough to you to have her there. But you don’t speak to people for weeks over some photos and instead you want to be clever and sarcastic about being the favourite and her being jealous.
This is absolutely unbelievable!!!! The level of selfishness here blows my mind.

If this is how she treats family no wonder she doesn’t have many friends !