Mumsnet #34 beep beep witches!

[Technobiff]

Bloody hell, if I wore an orange maxi dress, I'd look like a fucking space hopper.

 

[Geetbo]

LETTUCE!? It’s all sugar! You might as well inject yourself with lard you fat moose.

 

[Serene Serena]

I’m doing probate and selling my dear dead DM’s house. It’s costing me thousands and I’m saving receipts to show my bro when I take all that precious cash out of the inheritance when we finally get it. My bro is a lovely and reasonable bloke but I’m still worried it’s going to look shady e.g. I spent £500 on getting docs translated! I need it back!

OTOH he could have done all this death admin himself

Condolences on losing your mum, that must be tough. As your brother is a lovely and reasonable bloke, I don't think you need to start a thread for advice on Mumsnet just yet. When he accuses you of fraud, however, I shall expect a 3 thread saga of how awful he is, with a cast of characters including friend A, B, C,D and E and other relatives, Aunt X, Uncle Y and Cousin Z.

 

[orangehead]

Ref drinking. The Pernod and black post brought back a long buried memory of going on a date when I was 17 with a lad I had a fancy for.
I was drinking Pernod and black, but then later I felt sick.
Rather than making my way to the loo, I fought it until I couldn't fight it any longer.
I decided to try to get outside, but unfortunately the pub was packed, so after attempting to fight my way out, I projectile vomited.
It was like king canute parting the waves as people leapt out of my way.
Unfortunately I was wearing a cream coloured jumper dress ( remember them? ) which ended up with a lovely purple stain all down the front.
I never saw him or that dress again.

Mother's day.
I'm currently sat in my knackered old fleece dressing gown which has complimentary fag burns, wishing I hadn't had that last Tia Maria and coke last night, while the 'usband rattles about in the kitchen making breakfast. He's currently making an almighty racket rummaging around the freezer looking for hash browns. The noisy bastard!
Later I'll be going back to bed as I'm working tonight.

Hash browns? Well I hope you’ve all got your stories straight for the coroner. I know a woman who ate hash browns and was a ginormous size 12. She dropped dead at 86, likely because of the hash browns, so be warned. Carbs = coffins.

 

[Serene Serena]

I feel a bit sorry for that Jesus bloke. First he's born in a barn to homeless, unwed parents, then he ends up being nailed to two bits of wood in his undercrackers.
Imagine that today? MN would be in a frenzy logging it with social services, 101, 111, the school, safeguarding and the neighbours cat.

Yeah but he came alive again 3 days later to say a proper goodbye to his mates. That was nice.

 

[Cheddar Chalpupa]

I went to Uni in Manchester and discovered the delight of steamed pudding, chips and gravy. It is just the best meal in the world. If I was on death row, that's what I'd choose. Followed by a mountain of profiteroles and whipped cream, and a litre of red wine to wash it all down with. I'd probably die of a heart attack and diabetes before the lethal injection got me

Extra paperwork for the coroner. Spectacularly selfish OP.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

I love how nonchalant and matter of fact this poster is

‘How have you been coping without a working toilet since November?’

‘Pooing in a bag. Obviously. What else would I have been doing?’

 

[bread-pitt]

He didn’t have a 6-figure salary. Did he even have a real job? Or just a very outing hobby of walking around in a Toast hessian dress, fisherman sandals, and telling stories to anyone who would listen?

 

[Technobiff]

Well, I look so young that people are surprised that I've actually been born.
So there!

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

Someone is asking how to curb her chocolate addiction.

“Something I enjoy is stirring some unsweetened cocoa powder into cottage cheese with some Stevia and frozen raspberries (or others). Put in the fridge for a little bit to allow the cocoa to hydrate and thicken the cottage cheese and the berries to defrost a little. It really is good and the cottage cheese has lots of protein.”

That has given me the boke.

It really is good

No. No, it really isn't. And nobody enjoys that. At best they get a disordered hit from eating artificially sweetened non-food that they think will make them a size French but not a size Japanese with all that pure sugar sushi and definitely not a huge, galumphing, enormous, elephantine, fork-lifted size 14. But nobody enjoys that. Because it's shit. That's why it's not served in any restaurants and nobody ever makes it. Because it's shit. I like raspberries and cottage cheese and I'd never eat that. Because it's shit.

 

[HoGi]

Every time I see the floral midi dress / denim jacket and trainers combo, I can't help but look at the wearer and think...
I wonder if she's a mnetter with a saggy vaggy and a crusty rusty sherrifs badge.

I love a midi dress, trainers and denim jacket

Definitely not a mumsnetter though as I'm childfree by choice aka the spawn of Satan in their eyes.

 

[Geetbo]

I’m 6 foot 3 and about 16 stone so I’d be taken out behind the chemical sheds and shot.

 

[Technobiff]

If Jeremy Kyle started messaging me, I'd wonder what I did wrong in life.

 

[ShopTilYouSlop]

I'll tell you what I fucking love. Those stinky, disgusting onion ring crisps, the ones from Bobby's that you get only in the cheapest, nastiest little corner newsagent places. You get them in normal packs and big packs and I could inhale a big one easily with room for more. I know they're disgusting, I know they're horrible, I know they'd probably corrode the packet if you don't eat them fast enough but I bloody love the things.

 

[mindlessness]

I love the poster who thinks her daughter (who is 26) goes on too many holidays when 'she could save for a deposit on a house'. Daughter apparently 'has an addiction to holidays abroad' and 'spends every moment of her annual leave on a beach in a foreign land' (sounds a rather lovely way to spend one's annual leave, if you ask me!). 'She rents and doesn’t have a huge amount of savings. She earns a lot of money for her age and does work hard to be fair to the girl.'

to be fair to the girl! ffs. I'd be fucking off to Mexico as well if my Mum was like that (My mother on the other hand suggests holidays )

 

[missy83]

Posters on MN just like to take a contrary view

OP - a dog walker just put dog poo in my bin. Aibu to be pissed off?

MN - it is just a bin why do you care? I'd rather it was in my bin than on the pavement etc etc

Different OP - I just put my dog's shit in someone's bin. Wibu?

MN - yes very unreasonable. Take it home. That poor person will have to clean their bin and they might not even have hands etc etc.

 

[Tuesdaysdoll14]

Hi guys, just checking in. SO I was the poster about the nutter psycho messaging me on TikTok to say he was going to rape/murder me- and I got banned from MN as they said I was a troll and it’s true!

Anyway, went to update but can’t now so bit tricky but here is a slight update- he started to send more abuse, and his employer got back to me, he doesn’t actually work there anymore but he does use them self employed- and he also has been using their imaging on his FB illegally?! So he is going to get in trouble at least for that.

He has also since sent me another bunch of abuse which I have downloaded from TikTok and attached for you all to have a nose. Tried to blur out some identifying info even though he doesn’t deserve it. Guess that’s the end of that one.

just think Mumsnet although full of trolls and weird shit, do need to realise sometimes people aren’t lying!

 

[Geetbo]

I had two packets of crisps and a cookie for breakfast. And my late lunch today is just going to be wine and pizza.

How I’ve survived past 40 (and still ovulating ) would blow a Mumsnetters mind!

Have you considered you might have dementia?

 

[50degreesnorth]

All these tales of drunken teenage shenanigans is imo, exactly the way it should be. Let them go and make mistakes instead of babying them to the nth degree.

I’ve got Mother’s Day covered. Bought myself a pound of Godiva and have hidden them in the meter cupboard. Even if nobody finds them I guarantee they won’t be there by next weekend.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

Oh no, I'm going to have to hand back my Tattle account. I've just found myself agreeing with NatashaDancing on a style & beauty thread