Apologies if the thread isn’t in the right place, I’m wondering if there’s anyone in my position on here. For context I’m married and have been for 4 years now, been together 7 years. My partner had a huge falling out with his side which resulted in them not meeting our baby until they were 2. He’s made up with his side but his mum won’t even speak to me? But expects a relationship with my child. Is my marriage worth saving or should I just walk away?
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Why won't his mother speak to you - and was that what made your partner fall out with his mother?
I don’t want to out myself but it was a huge family event and we weren’t invited, someone commented “nice to have everyone important here” and he was obviously upset with this because he hadn’t been invited.
I would just say to the MIL, that unless she can be civil, you don’t want her around your child. It will probably confusing for the child to have their mother treated badly. You don’t have to be best mates, but she needs to be courteous and civil and there needs to be a mutual level of respect. It will only end badly on the long term as your child will probably not want to see her years down the line when he/she realises that you’re being treated badly x
I’ve literally said this word for word to one of his family members this morning and they’ve said if she can’t or won’t be civil just leave her to it x
So let me get this right; there was a big family event (something like a wedding or anniversary party) and you and your partner weren't invited. Your partner was understandably upset. Now that has been consigned to history your MIL is still against you. I don't understand why this is still being taken out on you. Did you get into a row with her yourself? or was it just him who voiced his disappointment?
As his partner and the mother of the child her behaviour to you is unacceptable and you have every right to be upset. I don't think that you should be questioning your marriage over this (unless you've got other reasons to do so) but your partner should ask his mother to be respectful to you. If he is not being supportive to you then I can understand why this would undermine your relationship.
As his partner and the mother of the child her behaviour to you is unacceptable and you have every right to be upset. I don't think that you should be questioning your marriage over this (unless you've got other reasons to do so) but your partner should ask his mother to be respectful to you. If he is not being supportive to you then I can understand why this would undermine your relationship.
Sounds like his mother thinks of you as the ring leader in him being offended and upset about being left out if that makes sense. Probably doesn’t want to admit that what she did was wrong so tells herself that it was you who caused the rift by telling your husband to be upset about it. (Hope that makes sense!)
as others have said I’d echo the don’t let her see your child without her at least being civil to you. If nothing else it’s a really bad example for your impressionable child to see their parent being ignored by their grandparent. Especially if she tries to bribe him for affection with sweets and presents, which she probably will because she sounds like the type!!
as others have said I’d echo the don’t let her see your child without her at least being civil to you. If nothing else it’s a really bad example for your impressionable child to see their parent being ignored by their grandparent. Especially if she tries to bribe him for affection with sweets and presents, which she probably will because she sounds like the type!!
I’m confused by the last line -“is my marriage worth saving”.
Are there issues in your marriage? Is your husband making you feel bad in anyway? I understand the problem with your MIL, but not sure why it would mean walking away from your marriage just because she won’t speak to you? You aren’t married to her. Unless I have misunderstood something from the post.
Tell your OH that if his mother isn’t being civil to you you won’t facilitate her spending time with your child, and he either needs to speak to his mother and tell her to sort herself out and you come as a family unit, or go back to not speaking to her.
Are there issues in your marriage? Is your husband making you feel bad in anyway? I understand the problem with your MIL, but not sure why it would mean walking away from your marriage just because she won’t speak to you? You aren’t married to her. Unless I have misunderstood something from the post.
Tell your OH that if his mother isn’t being civil to you you won’t facilitate her spending time with your child, and he either needs to speak to his mother and tell her to sort herself out and you come as a family unit, or go back to not speaking to her.
My mum was treated like dirt by my dad’s side of the family, especially his mother. When they split up, my dad’s family were vicious about my mum, and tried to poison us against her, and as a result of that my brother and I no longer have anything to do with them (through our own choice - she never stopped us from having a relationship with them). If they can’t be civil, I’d keep them at arm’s length where you and your child are concerned. If your husband isn’t on board with that, then you obviously have some talking to do about how they are treating you and what he’s going to do about it.
He is supportive on this one, I didn’t row with her myself x
That's good news then, but still doesn't explain her animosity towards you. What is her problem with you? Has she ever explained her behaviour? If you haven't done anything wrong then why is she against you?
You really need to get to the bottom of this before you can find a way forward.
Oh god that’s horrible, I could see that happening to us tbh. X
She was okay with me until I married him, it went downhill from there x
I’ve been in a very similar position to this. I did decide to let my children carry on seeing the MIL even though I have absolutely nothing to do with her. My view was that I didn’t want the kids to miss out on a relationship with her, to be fair she was always very good to the kids. I also didn’t want to put any additional stress on my husband. I decided I would let them carry on as normal and as the kids have got older they have questioned why I never go and see their grandma with them. I just said we don’t get on and sometimes that just happens in life and they accepted it.
I will add that as they have got older they have gradually themselves stopped wanting to see her as much, they will say mum she moans all the time or just talks about other people. I do have to smile to myself because I knew that would happen, with age they would realise themselves and they have. Don’t ruin your marriage over this one thing, if there’s other issues then fair enough but if not, just keep your distance for your own sanity and if she’s decent with your child then perhaps just go with it?
I will add that as they have got older they have gradually themselves stopped wanting to see her as much, they will say mum she moans all the time or just talks about other people. I do have to smile to myself because I knew that would happen, with age they would realise themselves and they have. Don’t ruin your marriage over this one thing, if there’s other issues then fair enough but if not, just keep your distance for your own sanity and if she’s decent with your child then perhaps just go with it?
Is it a case of her thinking that 'you're not good enough for him' or is there some other prejudice at work here?
She's not acting very intelligently here. Even if she doesn't think you are her idea of the right partner it's incredibly dumb to not be polite at the very least.
I certainly wouldn't be dropping off or collecting my child from someone who couldn't be polite to me. I hope you make her do all the running around
I haven’t stopped her seeing the child she’s only met my baby a couple of times and you do speak sense, I think I’ll let her see the baby however she will miss out on things like birthdays etc but that’s her choice x
I was a child who was exposed to dysfunctional family relationships and tension (they hated my mum, she decided to be the bigger person and try and foster a relationship between me and them). As a child, I was easily able to pick up on their feelings towards my mum and vice versa. I haven't spoken to them for years, no regrets on my part. Children are like sponges - they pick up and internalise the negativity around them, as well as the positivity.
I do worry about when my child is older, will she resent them for behaving like this or me for not trying hard enough, will they slag me off when she’s around x
Sorry I should have worded it a bit better! We do have other issues not relating to her but she has bizarrely taken my side on these things even though she won’t speak to me, he does defend me and everyone else in the family has no problem with me at all I get on with all of them, what I meant was she’s still a big part of my OH’s life obviously and I don’t want to be the reason for drama or conflict so would it be better to walk away x
I don’t drop off or collect I just let him take our baby there xIs it a case of her thinking that 'you're not good enough for him' or is there some other prejudice at work here?
She's not acting very intelligently here. Even if she doesn't think you are her idea of the right partner it's incredibly dumb to not be polite at the very least.
I certainly wouldn't be dropping off or collecting my child from someone who couldn't be polite to me. I hope you make her do all the running around
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Yes totally, my MIL has missed all birthday parties, Xmas etc as I’ll be there. It’s their loss if they can’t be decent and civil.
I can only speak of my experience, but I was angry at my mum for a long time for exposing me to an emotionally harmful environment, I can understand now why she did it, but it had an impact on my self-esteem because when you're young, an attack on the mother is a roundabout way of attacking the child. That side of the family didn't openly slag off my mum, but there were always little comments here and there.
It’s actually really sad that people can’t even be civil for the kids sake x
I do see your point about it being an attack on the child, I hope you and your mum are okay now x