Mother in law hell!

[Scotch Mist]

So let me get this right; there was a big family event (something like a wedding or anniversary party) and you and your partner weren't invited. Your partner was understandably upset. Now that has been consigned to history your MIL is still against you. I don't understand why this is still being taken out on you. Did you get into a row with her yourself? or was it just him who voiced his disappointment?

As his partner and the mother of the child her behaviour to you is unacceptable and you have every right to be upset. I don't think that you should be questioning your marriage over this (unless you've got other reasons to do so) but your partner should ask his mother to be respectful to you. If he is not being supportive to you then I can understand why this would undermine your relationship.

 

[Fizzwhizz2020]

I would just say to the MIL, that unless she can be civil, you don’t want her around your child. It will probably confusing for the child to have their mother treated badly. You don’t have to be best mates, but she needs to be courteous and civil and there needs to be a mutual level of respect. It will only end badly on the long term as your child will probably not want to see her years down the line when he/she realises that you’re being treated badly x

 

[Definitelyme]

I’m confused by the last line -“is my marriage worth saving”.

Are there issues in your marriage? Is your husband making you feel bad in anyway? I understand the problem with your MIL, but not sure why it would mean walking away from your marriage just because she won’t speak to you? You aren’t married to her. Unless I have misunderstood something from the post.

Tell your OH that if his mother isn’t being civil to you you won’t facilitate her spending time with your child, and he either needs to speak to his mother and tell her to sort herself out and you come as a family unit, or go back to not speaking to her.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Why won't his mother speak to you - and was that what made your partner fall out with his mother?

I don’t want to out myself but it was a huge family event and we weren’t invited, someone commented “nice to have everyone important here” and he was obviously upset with this because he hadn’t been invited.

 

[Happyvalley]

I’ve been in a very similar position to this. I did decide to let my children carry on seeing the MIL even though I have absolutely nothing to do with her. My view was that I didn’t want the kids to miss out on a relationship with her, to be fair she was always very good to the kids. I also didn’t want to put any additional stress on my husband. I decided I would let them carry on as normal and as the kids have got older they have questioned why I never go and see their grandma with them. I just said we don’t get on and sometimes that just happens in life and they accepted it.

I will add that as they have got older they have gradually themselves stopped wanting to see her as much, they will say mum she moans all the time or just talks about other people. I do have to smile to myself because I knew that would happen, with age they would realise themselves and they have. Don’t ruin your marriage over this one thing, if there’s other issues then fair enough but if not, just keep your distance for your own sanity and if she’s decent with your child then perhaps just go with it?

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Just thought I’d update you all I messaged her asking if she wanted something from my baby for Mother’s Day and she ignored me so me and my husband have decided she won’t see our child unless it’s at our house/ I’m there. So there won’t be any more visits to her house. I didn’t want a row with my husband but I said if she refuses to engage with me at all and one day she was babysitting (for arguments sake) if there was an accident would she tell me or wait for the local hospital to be in touch?! He has agreed she’s childish and now she will miss out on birthdays etc.

 

[LittleMy]

My mum was treated like dirt by my dad’s side of the family, especially his mother. When they split up, my dad’s family were vicious about my mum, and tried to poison us against her, and as a result of that my brother and I no longer have anything to do with them (through our own choice - she never stopped us from having a relationship with them). If they can’t be civil, I’d keep them at arm’s length where you and your child are concerned. If your husband isn’t on board with that, then you obviously have some talking to do about how they are treating you and what he’s going to do about it.

 

[TruffleTrifle]

Sounds like his mother thinks of you as the ring leader in him being offended and upset about being left out if that makes sense. Probably doesn’t want to admit that what she did was wrong so tells herself that it was you who caused the rift by telling your husband to be upset about it. (Hope that makes sense!)

as others have said I’d echo the don’t let her see your child without her at least being civil to you. If nothing else it’s a really bad example for your impressionable child to see their parent being ignored by their grandparent. Especially if she tries to bribe him for affection with sweets and presents, which she probably will because she sounds like the type!!

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I would just say to the MIL, that unless she can be civil, you don’t want her around your child. It will probably confusing for the child to have their mother treated badly. You don’t have to be best mates, but she needs to be courteous and civil and there needs to be a mutual level of respect. It will only end badly on the long term as your child will probably not want to see her years down the line when he/she realises that you’re being treated badly x

I’ve literally said this word for word to one of his family members this morning and they’ve said if she can’t or won’t be civil just leave her to it x

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

She sounds so rude! What the hell is her problem?! I really don’t get some women at all.
Why?!! I just don’t get it.

I’ve got no idea tbh! She’s ruined it for herself now though, why moan and bitch about not knowing my child when it was her fault in the first place

 

[Crunky_Snack]

I have first hand experience as the child in this situation! My parents fell out with my dad’s family when I was a few years old (something to do with my mum loaning money to my dad’s sister after her divorce, never getting it back then the whole family turning on her for being rude enough to ask for it back when my parents were growing their family). As a result, they were UNinvited to family events etc and I never met my aunties/uncles/cousins etc until I was in my teens. My dads side are all super close with each other (he has three siblings and them and their families go on holiday together every year) and my family are just left out of everything, despite efforts to make up. My cousin got married recently and my parents, my boyfriend and I were put on a totally separate table from the rest of the family which was horrible. It breaks my heart because I know how much my parents want to be a part of their family but honestly I’d rather not see my dad’s family at all. It’s embarrassing and pointless and I have no plans to invite any of them to my wedding or be a part of my life when I have a family of my own (my dad has my back with this). It’s been more damaging for me to be a part of this than it would’ve been if we’d cut them off altogether at the beginning. You don’t need to fight for their approval

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Apologies if the thread isn’t in the right place, I’m wondering if there’s anyone in my position on here. For context I’m married and have been for 4 years now, been together 7 years. My partner had a huge falling out with his side which resulted in them not meeting our baby until they were 2. He’s made up with his side but his mum won’t even speak to me? But expects a relationship with my child. Is my marriage worth saving or should I just walk away?

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

My mum was treated like dirt by my dad’s side of the family, especially his mother. When they split up, my dad’s family were vicious about my mum, and tried to poison us against her, and as a result of that my brother and I no longer have anything to do with them (through our own choice - she never stopped us from having a relationship with them). If they can’t be civil, I’d keep them at arm’s length where you and your child are concerned. If your husband isn’t on board with that, then you obviously have some talking to do about how they are treating you and what he’s going to do about it.

Oh god that’s horrible, I could see that happening to us tbh. X

That's good news then, but still doesn't explain her animosity towards you. What is her problem with you? Has she ever explained her behaviour? If you haven't done anything wrong then why is she against you?

You really need to get to the bottom of this before you can find a way forward.

She was okay with me until I married him, it went downhill from there x

 

[Happyvalley]

I haven’t stopped her seeing the child she’s only met my baby a couple of times and you do speak sense, I think I’ll let her see the baby however she will miss out on things like birthdays etc but that’s her choice x

Yes totally, my MIL has missed all birthday parties, Xmas etc as I’ll be there. It’s their loss if they can’t be decent and civil.

 

[Scotch Mist]

Oh god that’s horrible, I could see that happening to us tbh. X


She was okay with me until I married him, it went downhill from there x

Is it a case of her thinking that 'you're not good enough for him' or is there some other prejudice at work here?

She's not acting very intelligently here. Even if she doesn't think you are her idea of the right partner it's incredibly dumb to not be polite at the very least.

I certainly wouldn't be dropping off or collecting my child from someone who couldn't be polite to me. I hope you make her do all the running around

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

I’ve been in a very similar position to this. I did decide to let my children carry on seeing the MIL even though I have absolutely nothing to do with her. My view was that I didn’t want the kids to miss out on a relationship with her, to be fair she was always very good to the kids. I also didn’t want to put any additional stress on my husband. I decided I would let them carry on as normal and as the kids have got older they have questioned why I never go and see their grandma with them. I just said we don’t get on and sometimes that just happens in life and they accepted it.

I will add that as they have got older they have gradually themselves stopped wanting to see her as much, they will say mum she moans all the time or just talks about other people. I do have to smile to myself because I knew that would happen, with age they would realise themselves and they have. Don’t ruin your marriage over this one thing, if there’s other issues then fair enough but if not, just keep your distance for your own sanity and if she’s decent with your child then perhaps just go with it?

I haven’t stopped her seeing the child she’s only met my baby a couple of times and you do speak sense, I think I’ll let her see the baby however she will miss out on things like birthdays etc but that’s her choice x

 

[Scotch Mist]

He is supportive on this one, I didn’t row with her myself x

That's good news then, but still doesn't explain her animosity towards you. What is her problem with you? Has she ever explained her behaviour? If you haven't done anything wrong then why is she against you?

You really need to get to the bottom of this before you can find a way forward.

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Also, your husband should be talking to her about her ridiculous behaviour as she is his mum.
I agree, that perhaps if your MIL isn't nice to/about you, then your child should not be around her.
If the child asks why they aren't seeing gran: "we aren't getting along." Children are not stupid and will pick up on what is going on.

I agree he should bring it up with her and I’ve told him this and he says he would rather talk face to face rather than on the phone/messages. X

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

Your partner is not your mother (and hopefully doesn't share the same traits), so based on that alone, yes your marriage is worth saving.

Can you ask your husband to talk to his MiL about being civil around you? If not, that's a concern ... he should be doing all in his power to protect you.

Sorry, but your MiL sounds petty and damaging - I speak from experience! *Most* can't stand to see their son being taken care of, and happy, with another woman.



I think you need to tell him firmly that it needs to happen sooner rather than later. Is he scared of talking to his mother about this?

I think you’re right, I think he’s definitely wary of bringing it up. She’s just spoke to him after 3 years of no contact x

 

[Phoenix Lazarus]

Why won't his mother speak to you - and was that what made your partner fall out with his mother?