Mother in law experiences #4

[JustmeKC]

Rant incoming.

I have posted before about mother in law not respecting our boundaries.

She out did herself yesterday, all went for a meal insisted upon by her even though it’s stressful with a toddler and a baby.
her other grandchild was up too staying with her.
she tells our toddler he’s going to the park with her and the other grandchild
When I say no, cue huge meltdown from our toddler which causes her to cry in the street outside and she insists on holding his hand whilst I’m holding him as she said ‘I’m letting him down’ he wants me.
when I explained he quite often has huge tantrums like this and it’s because she’d caused due to telling him he’s going to park she said she’d never said it!
who cries over their grandchild having a tantrum? If anyone should have cried it would be me as he was kicking and scratching me in the face! She’s not the full ticket.

I have my adult child, partner & grandchild living with me, as a result, I don’t get to do as much ‘fun’ stuff as the other grandparents but I take a lot from having the benefit of a snatched few minutes are various points in the day & am very careful to not overstep my boundaries, remembering various things my parents did that I wasn’t happy with as a young parent. Your MIL needs to know her boundaries, know what’s ok to promise your kids and what isn’t, as well as learning to let tantrums run their course.

 

[knivesnflowers]

My baby was 5 weeks early, none of my partners side knew we were expecting and now my baby is a month old and no one’s even asked to see her.

i can count on one hand the amount of times i've met my dad's mum (when she didn't run on to the bus away from me when i recognised her at 7 years old). my life is so much better without the old bag in it. with no due respect to them and if your partner is on the same page, fuck them off and look after yourselves - from experience your baby will thank you

 

[Crybaby Tania]

After much research I identified my mother in law as being a conversational narcissist. She is the most draining person I have ever met in my whole entire life. She does not stop talking. About HERSELF !!
She is also tactless as hell and thinks nothing of telling you how she’s paid off her mortgage through her wonderful management of finances and ‘oh did I tell you I flew first class to Singapore’
She loves praise but minutes of it. Don’t stop at one ‘well done’. She wants a stream of well dones and refuses to break eye contact with you until you have fully caressed her ego Anyone else experienced anything similar?!

My late mother-in-law could predict the future, after the event of course.
Whatever events happened in the family she knew it would happen.
Whether it was happy, sad, death, illness, divorce, pregnancy, engagements, date of birth and gender of newborn (after the birth) she 'knew it'
I found it very irritating. It also strengthened my belief that she was indeed an old witch

 

[Ro98]

Is it normal to absolutely hate your MIL but be sad that it's come to this? Iv posted on here a few times about my MIL.
But there are times I just get so sad about the situation. I suppose hence why I tried so many times to make amends and sort it out with her. I know if she had really wanted to then she would have wanted to sort it out and so I do accept that the relationship is now irreparable. But I dunno, it makes me so sad for my son and my husband.
I think it does say alot when my husband makes no effort with her now. I think I miss my relationship with her prior to having kids. I swear alot of MILs seems to go crazy when becoming a grandmother, like a switch is flicked and it automatically becomes 'war'to them. Weird.
Just wondering if anyone else gets sad about their situation with MIL whilst having a huge dislike to them, I suppose like a 'if only feeling.

Absolutely. I feel this right now.
All my brothers wives have an incredible relationship with my mum, go out for meals without my brothers, first person to meet their babies, my mum is so kind to them and respects their different parenting approaches, never belittles them or makes it a competition. She knows my sister in laws are number 1 to my brothers and loves that.
Then you have my MIL who is an absolute cunt and I wonder what the f I did to deserve such shit. (Nothing because she’s like it to everyone). But seriously I’d love an amazing MIL who treats me like a human!!!
I text my MIL yesterday that we would be having some space from her for a month due to her recent actions and haven’t heard anything from her since. I’d be distraught if my son’s partner ever said that to me.
We can only take peace in the fact we will never be like them.

 

[LouBug19]

That is absolutely horrendous I hope there were witnesses, if you managed to restrain yourself and not punch her back, I’d definitely get her charged or use it as a way to get a restraining order to keep her out of both your lives! What a vile individual

There were witnesses but because " I was pushing and shoving her back" then the police won't do anything and apparently it wasnt caught on CCTV. It's an absolute joke! I could tell so many things about what she's done over the last 8 years. Definitely going to apply for an order. Her partner went for my boyfriend today and I told her to get him back and she screamed at me. Should've ran her over in my car on the way out.

 

[Upintheair83]

Is it normal to absolutely hate your MIL but be sad that it's come to this? Iv posted on here a few times about my MIL.
But there are times I just get so sad about the situation. I suppose hence why I tried so many times to make amends and sort it out with her. I know if she had really wanted to then she would have wanted to sort it out and so I do accept that the relationship is now irreparable. But I dunno, it makes me so sad for my son and my husband.
I think it does say alot when my husband makes no effort with her now. I think I miss my relationship with her prior to having kids. I swear alot of MILs seems to go crazy when becoming a grandmother, like a switch is flicked and it automatically becomes 'war'to them. Weird.
Just wondering if anyone else gets sad about their situation with MIL whilst having a huge dislike to them, I suppose like a 'if only feeling.

 

[lucyloo11]

After much research I identified my mother in law as being a conversational narcissist. She is the most draining person I have ever met in my whole entire life. She does not stop talking. About HERSELF !!
She is also tactless as hell and thinks nothing of telling you how she’s paid off her mortgage through her wonderful management of finances and ‘oh did I tell you I flew first class to Singapore’
She loves praise but minutes of it. Don’t stop at one ‘well done’. She wants a stream of well dones and refuses to break eye contact with you until you have fully caressed her ego Anyone else experienced anything similar?!

 

[amiallowedtoexpressmyview]

My mother in law has now taken to refusing to come in our house when she drops our child off, to clearly make a point which none of us know what is about. This means she doesn’t get to see her second 8 month old grandson as he’s in the house so she’s losing out!
She says she needs some alone time with my husband which to be honest I find weird but it is clearly because she wants to talk about stuff she can’t do with me there. He’s married with 2 children, why does she continue to have this time alone with him? I find it very strange.
She has seen him with me Easter weekend the following week and the last weekend he was on a stag so saw no one! She isn’t right in the head I swear.
then she will spend the time guilt tripping my husband and making him feel like the worst son because he is trying to be a devoted dad and husband. Some people can’t let go can they.

 

[hereforfodney]

I'm furious about mine at the moment. I often am . She insists on booking weekends away ages (a year) in advance without consulting on whether we want to go, the destination, the proposed activities. It's just, we're going here for X nights, on this date and we're booking it now.

She said last July that she was going to book a weekend away for me and my husband, her and her husband and her husband's son and his partner for the first May bank holiday this year. My husband told her we couldn't commit at that time because two of his friends are getting married this year, and they hadn't yet set the dates. She said she'd hold off until he heard more, then two weeks later it's all well, we've got to book now because all the places are getting booked up. Then she books for an extra night and says we can just finish work early to get there!! I'm a news editor and we work on a shift basis, I can't just say ok, cool, let's just hold off on the news now, need to leave for a hostage situation weekend away.

The place is miles from us, my husband refuses to drive so it gets left to me, or we have to take multiple trains (which we're doing this time). It's got activities that none of us are interested in.

She sends a massive long email about the supermarket shopping - the first time I've been included in any of the comms about the weekend - and gives us a 1 May deadline to add what we need to the list. She then sent a shitty message to my husband on Sunday, 28 April, asking why we've not done the shopping list yet, why he's not confirmed what time we're arriving etc. "You've known about it for months, you should both take half a day off work to spend the whole weekend with us."

She's SO draining, SO demanding and SO controlling. She dominates conversations. Everything has to be a big group activity. We'll have to have a Skype conversation with her family in Australia while we're there, nine people plus a two year old on the line.

I've been very clear about my boundaries - I don't want things booked months in advance, and anything that is booked needs to be discussed, I don't want to be dictated to about where we're going and when - but they're repeatedly trampled on. Had a big blow up with my husband about it yesterday, I'm just dreading the weekend.

ok being devil’s advocate here … obviously without knowing the history and the detail … but I am in my 40s now with teenage children and going back ten years had these sorts of issues with my MIL. With age and experience comes the ability look back and see things with a bit more perspective and from her side rather than just mine …. It sounds like you are both making it very obvious that spending the weekend with her is the very last thing you would want to do … the excuses/reasons you give will sound false to her … if you wanted to go away for a weekend with her you would make it happen. She will be feeling hurt and rejected and will be pushing more to try and make it happen which pushes you further away. And the cycle continues. Unfortunately to book a weekend away with a group of people you do need to book far in advance. And it’s annoying when people don’t give you a straight answer or say they can’t commit. My advice to you (which I’m sure you won’t want to hear) is that life is too short … let you barriers down and try and embrace the relationship, give her more than you are giving now and she will stop pushing. Yes MILs can be annoying, but so can daughters in laws (myself included). Try and see it from her side and be empathetic. It’s very easy to get tangled in a negative thought cycle and be stubborn and selfish but it just causes stress for all. Let it go, make an effort to let her in and you will all be the better for it. Yes some people are pushy and annoying. It’s life. Deal with it. But the reasons behind it are that she wants to spend time with you both. With her son. It must make your husband sad. Stop being awkward. Suck it up and Do it for him. Try and see the positives that you have family who want to spend time with you, it’s only a couple of weekends a year, do they treat you or do you pay for yourselves? Try and find the positives. We used to make excuses not to see my MIL and I look back now and am ashamed by how wrapped up in myself I was.

 

[Lucyxxxx]

Won't even believe what I'm about to type. Saw her today and had a CIVIL conversation!!!!

 

[Norfolking Good]

In a way I think the only way to think about it is it’s her loss not yours. Keep your head held high and don’t defer to her. If she can’t be civil then you don’t need her in your life. I’ve cut a lot of toxic people out of my life and although it’s hard to begin with it’s better than that coil of anguish in your stomach when you even hear their name.

 

[amiallowedtoexpressmyview]

To be honest I wouldn't stand for that. You are your husbands family now and she should respect you. What exactly can't she say in front of you?? I think its appalling behaviour on her part, and what message is it sending out to your children? She's the elder one here, she should be old enough to talk as an adult to both of you and act like a grown up too. This is shocking.

Yeah you wouldn’t believe she’s nearlu 70. She’s acting like a stroppy teenager.
When our second was born, when my husband finally went to the football with her she said I haven’t seen you alone since before (our son) was born. I mean who says that! He’s been helping his wife and children!

 

[Rxt156]

Yeah you wouldn’t believe she’s nearlu 70. She’s acting like a stroppy teenager.
When our second was born, when my husband finally went to the football with her she said I haven’t seen you alone since before (our son) was born. I mean who says that! He’s been helping his wife and children!

That is sooo weird. she doesn’t need to see her grown up son alone. Women like this give me the creeps. They need to let go

 

[CrazyGiraffeLady]

i can count on one hand the amount of times i've met my dad's mum (when she didn't run on to the bus away from me when i recognised her at 7 years old). my life is so much better without the old bag in it. with no due respect to them and if your partner is on the same page, fuck them off and look after yourselves - from experience your baby will thank you

He’s on the same page thankfully but I know it upsets him seeing the favoured grandchildren having a relationship with them and our kids are ignored. Their loss I suppose

 

[Mollywobbles]

There were witnesses but because " I was pushing and shoving her back" then the police won't do anything and apparently it wasnt caught on CCTV. It's an absolute joke! I could tell so many things about what she's done over the last 8 years. Definitely going to apply for an order. Her partner went for my boyfriend today and I told her to get him back and she screamed at me. Should've ran her over in my car on the way out.

Nope, you were defending yourself in case she hit you again!
I would raise this with the police complaints or whoever it is.

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

This is a massive issue I have with my MIL too. Insists my 3 years old legs are too long to rear face. I have lost count how many times I've had my OH speak to her about it. One time she started by saying. I think XX should forward face and before she could even get the next word out her mouth I said no, she will rear face. I feel she gets on to my OH about it as he questioned it with me and I ended up showing him pics showing that my daughter was clearly comfortable rear facing and there was no issue with her legs. The no car seats is crazy. I don't think I'd allow my daughter back in the car if my MIL done this. Why can't they just do as they are asked? They forget the are grandparents and not parents and try to make the decisions.

I had to explain that broken legs were repairable whereas a broken neck wasn’t, when it came to extended rear facing. This was with my own parents. They meant well and wanted to buy a super expensive seat so their precious grandson would be safe - but I had to insist it was rear facing. He was about 15 months I think.

 

[DanDanTheIceCreamMan]

Is it normal to absolutely hate your MIL but be sad that it's come to this? Iv posted on here a few times about my MIL.
But there are times I just get so sad about the situation. I suppose hence why I tried so many times to make amends and sort it out with her. I know if she had really wanted to then she would have wanted to sort it out and so I do accept that the relationship is now irreparable. But I dunno, it makes me so sad for my son and my husband.
I think it does say alot when my husband makes no effort with her now. I think I miss my relationship with her prior to having kids. I swear alot of MILs seems to go crazy when becoming a grandmother, like a switch is flicked and it automatically becomes 'war'to them. Weird.
Just wondering if anyone else gets sad about their situation with MIL whilst having a huge dislike to them, I suppose like a 'if only feeling.

BiB I think it's kind of 50/50. I think that the grandparents do ramp up their behaviour but I also think that the new parents have a new person to care for and realise that they need to have stronger boundaries. So stuff that would get ignored beforehand is no longer tolerated causing more battles.

That and you get much less tolerant on not enough sleep

Having read tons of MIL stories over the years, it always seems to kick off when there's a new baby.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

Had that exact conversation as well. My MIL just can't get it. Says if you have a crash from behind the glass from the back window would break and land on my little one if rear facing. Like you said I had to say what about her neck that may break. Just do as you are told. I literally need to watch her put my little one in the car to make sure she rear faces. Ridiculous really.

Well I've been in a pile up due to an out of control truck, and although the noise sounded like a burst chandelier none of the windows smashed. So tell her to put that in her pipe and smoke it!

 

[Upintheair83]

My mother in law has now taken to refusing to come in our house when she drops our child off, to clearly make a point which none of us know what is about. This means she doesn’t get to see her second 8 month old grandson as he’s in the house so she’s losing out!
She says she needs some alone time with my husband which to be honest I find weird but it is clearly because she wants to talk about stuff she can’t do with me there. He’s married with 2 children, why does she continue to have this time alone with him? I find it very strange.
She has seen him with me Easter weekend the following week and the last weekend he was on a stag so saw no one! She isn’t right in the head I swear.
then she will spend the time guilt tripping my husband and making him feel like the worst son because he is trying to be a devoted dad and husband. Some people can’t let go can they.

To be honest I wouldn't stand for that. You are your husbands family now and she should respect you. What exactly can't she say in front of you?? I think its appalling behaviour on her part, and what message is it sending out to your children? She's the elder one here, she should be old enough to talk as an adult to both of you and act like a grown up too. This is shocking.

 

[heythere!]

I had to explain that broken legs were repairable whereas a broken neck wasn’t, when it came to extended rear facing. This was with my own parents. They meant well and wanted to buy a super expensive seat so their precious grandson would be safe - but I had to insist it was rear facing. He was about 15 months I think.

Had that exact conversation as well. My MIL just can't get it. Says if you have a crash from behind the glass from the back window would break and land on my little one if rear facing. Like you said I had to say what about her neck that may break. Just do as you are told. I literally need to watch her put my little one in the car to make sure she rear faces. Ridiculous really.